I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you shouldn’t be too harsh with yourself, you’re human like everyone else. We all mess up and we’re always harder on ourselves than anyone else. After being hurt in a relationship, whether it’s emotional/mental/physical abuse, infidelity, it can be super hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a future relationship. I can totally relate to that feeling. Keeping people at a distance provides a feeling like you’re protecting yourself from being hurt. It’s hard to fully trust someone even and especially when you love them very much, because of fear of having your heart broken again. I’ve been struggling with changing that behaviour myself and healing as much as possible through therapy etc. so I don’t eff up my current relationship. Forgiveness usually comes with time, I hope you’ll find a way to be kind to yourself and learn from going through tough times so you can grow and next time hang onto the love that you find.