Don’t try to “split the difference”. Find a location that works good to great for one of you and make it so only one person has pain. Pain from commuting is non-linear with time (i.e. the pain increase from a 2->3 hour commute is less than a 1->2 hour commute). This will allow at least one of you to have more of a semblance of a normal life.

It’s going to suck, a lot, but it can work. I’ve done this for most of the time I’ve lived in CT - with jobs up and down the eastern seaboard, but I’ve never had an employer in CT or RI.