Is it harder to find friends as an adult or is it just me?

Submitted by britt_102689 t3_10p301a in Connecticut

I'm a 33 year old female who moved from Hartford county to New Haven county almost two years ago with my boyfriend. He has an amazing group of friends, who if they haven't talked or seen each other in months, the next time they do, it's like nothing has changed. I am really having a hard time meeting new friends and would love to find some! I feel kind of weird posting this on here, but I'm racking my brain on how else to go about meeting some nice genuine people.

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chameleonchild8 t1_j6i5b8d wrote

It’s not just you. Making new friends in 30s is tough. 30s is a weird age because you have people who still do drugs in bathroom at the club, and you have others who are taking their kids to daycare. Wide variety of chapters in life which may not be at the same place as you. Best of luck!

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6idset wrote

HAHA that was my thought! But I didn't want to seem judgemental saying it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that way! :) thank you!

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lilacoceanfeather t1_j6il6wh wrote

You need repeated proximity to make friends. When you're in school, it's easy. For years, every day, you have class, you have sports, clubs, and other after-school activities.

When you're an adult, you have to find and make those opportunities yourself. You have to put yourself out there, and commit to some kind of regularity.

What do you enjoy doing? Your hobbies? Can you find social activities for your hobbies? Have you looked at Meetup or Bumble BFF? What about volunteering? Is there a social cause or passion that you could explore?

If you are the sports or outdoorsy type, join a gym and take classes, join a recreational sports league, check out community centers, find a hiking group, etc.

If you are an arts or creative type, join a book club, a writers' group, take a music lesson, a pottery or painting class, woodworking class, knitting, etc.

Be open to meeting and making friends with people of different ages and life stages. And be willing to take initiative in being the first person to invite someone to do something or follow up.

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packofpoodles t1_j6irs0v wrote

Well said. It takes time! Even when you join a gym or a club, it can take months or even years for adult friendships to fully take root.

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lilacoceanfeather t1_j6iv4f2 wrote

Yes -- no relationship develops overnight. You still need time and the right people, personalities, and schedules to form real, mutual connections with others.

With that in mind, you should be prepared to partake in activities and events that you actually enjoy, or at least be willing to put an honest effort in. Not everything you do will help you make a friend, or make a friend in that immediate moment. You should still continuously put yourself out there, though, and have fun while you do it!

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cbdeane t1_j6jr6nh wrote

Repeated proximity can legitimately be work when you’re trying to make new friends in your 30s lmao 🤣 super worth it though

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pet3121 t1_j6i1bp7 wrote

You can use the app meetup to get into groups that will have the same interest as you do. I made really great friends there.

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RededHaid t1_j6i29t7 wrote

Do any of these guys have women in their lives you could meet with? A warm introduction can be a great ice breaker.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6i5a2j wrote

They do, but I'm trying to separate my friendships from my relationship with my sig. other. Is that weird? I mean I like my boyfriend's friends and their sig. others, but I want my own group of friends too. :(

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etchx t1_j6iihb6 wrote

I learned my lesson sharing friends with a relationship of 5 years. All of my friends were her friends and when we split up, I was left with nobody. After that, I met a lot of long term friends through WAKA www.kickball.com (started playing at age 30, no idea what the scene is like now, though)

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shhhhnotsoloud t1_j6jmhd3 wrote

It’s still going. That’s how I met my husband. We bring our kid to games now.

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Badboyforlife411 t1_j6i6frj wrote

At this point me and my wife (mid 30’s) just run in the same social group.

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tonysnight t1_j6j7nx5 wrote

Don't share friends too much it's good to have a sense of self my guy.

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RededHaid t1_j6iaibo wrote

Not weird at all if it’s a choice that works for you! Yoga class?

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highway_to_heck420 t1_j6mrld3 wrote

Can I just say I really appreciate that you’re doing this? One of my good friends essentially became her SO.

If you like metalcore and rock climbing, hmu.

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rjmdcs t1_j6i5a76 wrote

It does depend on what you’re interested in. I moved to Waterford in November and luckily have met some really great people. Of course everyone is pregnant or has young kids, but we both love kids even though we don’t have our own. I’ve actually been more social than my husband for a change, which feels really nice. Feel free to send me a DM if you ever want to hang out near New London.

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catbirdgrey t1_j6iew7s wrote

Making friends after your mid 20s is hard af. Do you knit/crochet/sew/craft by any chance?

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6iqvwo wrote

I do like to craft!!! I reallly like to cook!

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catbirdgrey t1_j6ir4u6 wrote

I just started a knitting/crafting group in Hamden. Next meeting is Saturday morning. DM me if you wanna know more :)

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foxhagen t1_j6jd7bn wrote

It is definitely not just you.

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rossiterpj t1_j6ivmrd wrote

Try some of the parks and rec departments for affordable and low commitment classes.

Libraries have or can direct you to book clubs or other clubs that might meet in their library.

Volunteer with an organization; meet people and do some good.

Join a church. There are ones that aren't totally crazy. Mainline protestant or Unitarian generally don't run cults but offer plenty of opportunities for socializing.

Join a community choir (or church choir) or orchestra if you play an instrument.

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LoveIsLove75 t1_j6ix93b wrote

My wife and I moved up here in 2011 and we quickly discovered that if you were childfree and have no dogs you have virtually no shot of meeting new people. We got lucky that our first neighbors were childfree and around our age, but they were unicorns and definitely not the norm. We only started making friends when we joined group fitness classes and the membership luckily skewed older. If you live in a town that doesn't have a lot of transplants, you're pretty much SOL. The "natives" already have their friends that they grew up with and their family and have ZERO interest in meeting you. At least, that has been our experience.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6j3iv5 wrote

Yeah, that could be the case for us, since we are pretty new to our town. We got new neighbors that are our age, but they are rarely ever home and when we have tried making attempts to do something with them, there was no response.

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Front_Way5087 t1_j6mvjs9 wrote

What town are you? I’m in Southbury

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6mw3cf wrote

I’m in Wolcott.

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Front_Way5087 t1_j6mxxyj wrote

That’s not too far of a drive. I belong to a book club if your interested in joining send me a message. I’m also usually around to hang out.

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midmodmad t1_j6i9v2k wrote

It’s not you. It’s not easy. People here have given great suggestions. I hope you find new friends.

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ThemesOfMurderBears t1_j6izvi9 wrote

It's hard. The vast majority of friendships I have formed as an adult haven't really endured. A few have, but largely they only last as long as whatever shared thing you have expires. At my last job, I made quite a few friends. Played volleyball with one person, went to the bar a few times with him and another guy we work with. Once I stopped working there, I stopped talking to most of those people. Some text messages here and there, but that is it. I have tried to keep up a bit, but ... it just always kind of fizzles. Hell, there is one person I thought I was going to be friends with for the rest of my life. But after leaving that job nearly five years ago, I have seen him once. Last text messages between us were from six months ago.

I did stay close to one of my colleagues after leaving that job, but he died ~2.5 years ago.

Most of the people I talk to regularly are people I have known for 20+ years.

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Compusense t1_j6j5boh wrote

You didn't move that far from where you were from, are any friendships from before you moved no longer an option?

What are your general interests?

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6jnjtq wrote

I'm pretty down for anything, the issue is my friends all have boyfriends and can't seem to put that aside for girl time, you know? I love to cook, go for hikes, shop, do crafts, watch sports, try new places, pretty much anything!

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HallwayHomicide t1_j6i24gy wrote

I'm fresh out of college and it's definitely hard.

Hobbies can definitely help. Rock Climbing in particular I find can be great for making friends, or at least socializing. It was working really well for me the first 6 months after I moved to Connecticut but unfortunately I lost the motivation to climb and I sorta fell out of contact with those friends as a result.

My girlfriend uses Bumble BFF and it's worked fairly well for her.

I realize that my suggestions may be more tuned for folks in their early-mid 20s , but maybe they can help you.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6i5368 wrote

I love these suggestions! I actually did Bumble BFF for a bit, but then it got to be meh. Rock Climbing sounds like so much fun! :)

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keenjerry t1_j6impes wrote

It is hard but I would recommend indulging in your interests and see who you meet that way. I miss my old friend group but I am at the point where I have just moved on. My current friend group is through men’s league hockey. I have an absolute blast with them on the ice and just usual friend stuff. If I didn’t have that idk what I would do. See if you can find any leagues or groups that meet for one of your favorite sports or hobby’s!!!!

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keenjerry t1_j6imvs8 wrote

Also to add - we have women on our team and in our league!! It’s open to everyone and we all have a great time together!!

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6j3nvu wrote

That sounds like so much fun! Unfortunately I have never skated before so that might be tough for me :)

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keenjerry t1_j6jb1yr wrote

Of course! Maybe there is a league for your favorite sport or hobby? Couldn’t recommend it enough. Go for it!

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blastmemer t1_j6it7af wrote

Give the Waka New Haven kickball league a go when it starts. Great place to meet friends and you don’t have to be athletic.

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THL76 t1_j6iv0b9 wrote

Ya it is difficult most of us just don’t have a lot of time between work or school and other daily obligations and since covid it’s def gotten worse

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SaranghaeHoe t1_j6j6o20 wrote

I'm also in New Haven county, I'd totally be friends with ya!

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ValuableNorth7868 t1_j6j808p wrote

People in CT really keep to themselves, its hard to break the ice if you even get a chance to find ice to break in the first place. Best shot is to be a regular somewhere, anywhere that isn't your computer chair

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ccorbs89 t1_j6je7ft wrote

You’re definitely not alone. New Haven County as well here. 33M my wife 36F is always going out with her friends and I never do because they live further away and I don’t have many of them.

We have a 4 year old and she has an 8 year old with her ex husband. Reach out if you’d like to chat!

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[deleted] t1_j6k51e7 wrote

Hi! I am in the New London county and am in my late 30s single f looking for new friends! If you want to chat sometime that would be great!

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jimmy9120 t1_j6kjle7 wrote

Sort of, people are everywhere, it’s just tough finding that friend you can connect with that has similarities

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GameM8FeedRepeat t1_j6l3mhs wrote

Some guy posted how he wanted to make friends on this sub. We started chatting and it turned out he was just looking for other men to hook up with. I was genuinely trying to make a new friend haha.

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DeskFan203 t1_j6ldssv wrote

Lolwut. That was pretty recent, right? I remember that dude, that sucks that it wasnt legit. 😟l

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GameM8FeedRepeat t1_j6mtxu8 wrote

Yes it was a few weeks ago. It's like at least be honest in your posts about what your looking for. I even told the guy I was married with kids before he hit me with the "So are you into men?" Lol dumb bastard.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6mitwb wrote

Aw man, I’m actually looking for friends though hahaha

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GameM8FeedRepeat t1_j6mu2vu wrote

I assume your only looking for girl friends?

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6mw803 wrote

So let’s put it this way. When I get married eventually, I don’t have very many people I’d want to be bridesmaids in my wedding that aren’t family lol

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6mwk2p wrote

I do have guy friends though! I totally didn’t mean to make it sound like I won’t be friends with men 😂

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GameM8FeedRepeat t1_j6mxgeq wrote

Ok cuz I'm married with 2 boys and I just had a baby girl. I'm happily married. Just putting my cards out on the table. It would be nice to meet new people and do stuff with. Are you looking for a couple to be friends with your bf or are you looking for solo friendships?

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BeerPizzaGaming t1_j6mdhm2 wrote

Get married, get pregnant and then the parents of your kids friends will become your new friends. :)

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roadpupp t1_j6i4pyc wrote

Kickball or a knitting group. Anything that brings people together. All of my adult friendships have come from the activities that I like to do.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6i54xp wrote

I will definitely have to look into those! I've never tried knitting before!

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Itsmoney05 t1_j6ic8g8 wrote

Join a Crossfit gym. Im in my 30's and have made great friends through the community in the gym. There are a excellent one's in Milford and Branford with great coaching - just a thought.

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DarkLamont t1_j6idvyh wrote

What are you currently doing to try and socialize? What clubs do you belong to? What sports do you play?

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6ir65c wrote

So I was pretty active in the foodie community here in CT, but unfortunately that had to take a back seat for a little bit. I used to play soccer and basketball and work out at the gym, but I ended up getting a home gym so I cancelled my membership.

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[deleted] t1_j6j549v wrote

[deleted]

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6jrpo3 wrote

OH! That's cool! I'm not, but I will let my boyfriend know about that!

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tavomcdouglas t1_j6jeggc wrote

I'm a young 48 (don't look or act my age at all), married w/kids and happy. Stopped drinking almost two years ago and realized almost all of my friends are drunks and beacons of misery. Trying to make friends is really tough at my age now. I have a looked at a few meetup sites/apps and nothing comes close. Its hard to just find some dudes or people in general to just to simply hang out with. Not sure why?

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6jpfve wrote

I get it. I really do. I tend to think I always acted different for my age. I was never into partying or anything, and that seems to be a reason I didn't have many friends when I was in my early 20's. Don't get me wrong, I like to have a good time, but I am definitely not in my party stage like some people my age still are. HAHA!

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purplehayes00 t1_j6ji7pl wrote

My son starts soccer this year, hoping for some parent friends lol.

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Mofiremofire t1_j6knb3r wrote

We made most of our current friends through Girl Scouts, soccer, library activities, summer camp, etc. start with play dates, then dinner parties, now basically every weekend we’re hanging out doing something.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6jnr73 wrote

I hope you make some too! I cant wait to have a little one so I can get them into sports!

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DangerClose567 t1_j6jnvr3 wrote

My gf is struggling with this right now.

We're both 32, I grew up in CT, made friends here, moved to Boston for work.

Met her there, we moved in together, cost of living pulled me back to CT, she followed.

I reunited with my friends, as if nothing changed, but now all her friends are still in the Boston area. Ironically, she did have a CT friend she met in college, but that friend of hers LEFT CT I think the SAME WEEK we moved into CT because her relationship ended, so she moved back to Boston with her family.

​

Meanwhile, all but one of my CT friends are single so there's not really much room to meet others through them necessarily.
She's also still job hunting so hasn't yet had the opportunity to make friends via work.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6jqcst wrote

That is the worst. I can't imagine what she is going through :(

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IrishWithoutPotatoes t1_j6jro32 wrote

Yeah it sucks. I moved here when I was 27, now I’m 29. I have 3 people I hang out with regularly outside of family, my girlfriend, and two random people at two separate bars that are both 30+ years older than me.

I need friends my age besides my gf, she’s lovely and all but I miss hanging with the boys a lot.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6jzm9n wrote

What kind of hobbies are you into?!

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IrishWithoutPotatoes t1_j6k17pr wrote

Gaming (video, board, and tabletop), music (playing/watching), skydiving, and general bar time shenanigans. The last one was usually with the boys though. But honestly that one is also the least requirement-intensive of them so idk lol.

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chpbnvic t1_j6k92om wrote

Try meetup.com and clubwaka.com

Meetup is for casual group hangouts. The group puts up an event and you rsvp to go.

Club waka is for coed sports

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wherehaveubeen t1_j6kakb0 wrote

It’s hard. I’m 39 and haven’t really had a new friend since my 20s. I’m married with kids and I have a job which fulfills my social needs personally. That being said, when I do get lonely I’ve been going to yoga classes. I think just being out of the house around a positive group helps even if you’re not talking to anyone.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6ke6l1 wrote

That sounds awesome though! I’m glad you’re able to do that for yourself when you can!

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gbr_azhusker_gbr t1_j6kkcze wrote

My wife is around the same age. A lot of her friends are other moms. She also started a book club because she likes to read, and made a lot of friends there. I am the one struggling to find friends in my 30s! Might take up rock climbing again to meet some people at the climbing gym.

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Automatic_Log6315 t1_j6km7lg wrote

Definitely look for local activities. In Stamford there’s a dodgeball tournament for 21+ people. It’s usually a great way to meet new people. My girlfriend also used bumble at one point to meet new friends. I know it’s hard, even I find it difficult to hang out with people. But I try and make friends from places I visit often

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6kogxt wrote

I feel like my shy side makes it hard for me to meet friends. It’s a lot easier to chat online, which is why I think Bumble is a good way to meet people

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Automatic_Log6315 t1_j6kov3w wrote

Honestly, you don’t even have to be all that outgoing for it. I made some awesome friends simply by going to the same restaurant every week for a year. I wasn’t even looking for friends, I just simply started making small talk each day.

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Additional-Rich-8372 t1_j6ku7yx wrote

I wish you the best, I have had zero luck finding a friend.
I'm married with 4 wonderful children and have given up at 45.

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pozzisoft t1_j6kzbsl wrote

I'm gonna be real with you. Unfortunately I have no advice, but am here to say I hear ya! It is NOT you. Also in NH county and 0 friends. My wife grew up here so at least she has a couple from school.

Even my friends from college got either narcissistic or cheated on their tests in the same class as me and bragged about their test scores. While they arent as successful on life now as me, it still sucks because it's not like I had friends to spare. Here is a somewhat negative way to look at it:

  • I feel like most people are about themselves. I take pride in being empathic and caring about others, but it usually leads to backstabbing me. This is probably just a me thing.

  • It can be daunting as a parent to find time for friends, even if I really wanted friends. I'd be afraid of letting someone down of they wanted to go to the mall or something and I kept saying no.

Sadly, what ends up happening is I surrounded myself with "fake friends" at work... And eventually that made it harder as a manager in the past.

I was hoping when the kids got older I'd find some friend's parents that played video games like I did or something...but mostly it seems they are into sports and Im not. It's funny, the first 2 parents I actually can hold a conversation with are two moms of my son's friend. I didn't expect that, but they are both pretty cool peeps!

I also noticed CT tends to be a bit older than I am. A lot of retired people that I wouldnt connect with.

This probsbly just makes me an introvert. But I'm sure it'll get better. Seems like you are more than willing to put in the effort. I've probably just been burned too many times. That, and people are just wierd. Some dude at the Milford mall last week taunted me and my son and made us flee our table. 5 mins later the guy EATS OUR FOOD with my FORK! There's one less friendly candidate there! Lol best of luck to you!

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6l16n7 wrote

Omg that person sounds like a jerk! I am definitely in the same boat as you I feel like. I’ve put myself out there a lot and have gotten burned a few too many times. I hope things get better for you! Don’t stop trying! :)

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kittyjoker t1_j6lbbve wrote

Yo what games do you play

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pozzisoft t1_j6lc5dd wrote

I started life as an MMORPG addict, and now as an adult I find myself in single player games on ps5/pc/steam deck. Action RPGs or whatever new game comes out that I rent like midnight suns, Forespoken, that recent DC game, Crisis Core, etc. But my best games were Everquest, Ultima Online, DaoC, even Wow at the time... But mmorpgs dont do it for me lately anymore.

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DeskFan203 t1_j6lakr3 wrote

It's not you. I'm early 40s married female who has lived here (New Haven area) all of her life except college, and I have no area friends. I did but...when your life experiences bring you down different roads, they don't want to hang out anymore (big one was them having kids, us not). We got a dog about a year ago but she is so shy around other dogs LOL so there went the "meet people via dog" idea! Work is hard bc I'm a manager...

We live in a town with few transplants (what someone else said on this post is correct lol, totally obvious here!), so it's hard when everyone on your street already has their group from freaking kindergarten...

We do the church thing but everyone our age has taken a hiatus due to covid and not wanting to expose their kids. Or hardly come bc of the kids. Or don't come to social things bc of their kids. Other people are OLD and have cliques (ridiculous at church)...or I worry that I'm not holy enough lol. I like all sorts of random shit/pop culture and feel like I'm going to stick out.

As I've told my therapist, I guess I'll wait to meet friends when I retire. Hopefully it'll be easier to try new things since I'll have more time and can meet people that way.

But I get where you're coming from, and it's hard to keep looking for people when you're doing a lot of work already. I admire your positivity!!

Edit: typos

Edit2: clarification

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6mjcln wrote

Thank you so much! I hope things work out for you! :)

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4thbookintheseries t1_j6mlut4 wrote

You said you like to craft. MakeHaven on Chapel st might be a good place, to take classes and/or regular membership.

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BearPure4028 t1_j6mmk38 wrote

Hey! I just moved here from out of state so I really don't have any friends lol. I'm 30 year old female and married without any kids. Let me know if you want to try to be friends? I realized how awkward this is writing over the internet but it is worth a chance!

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Athrynne t1_j6n0p7r wrote

Not just you. My husband and I moved here in 2016, and haven't made any friends. I have a lot of what they call weak social connections via walking my dog, but none of those have actually turned into friendships. Everyone is either way younger than us, or just established in their own friend groups. Can get pretty lonely sometimes.

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6n1k13 wrote

No I absolutely get it. I get lonely too, even having people to talk to is nice, you know?

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Athrynne t1_j6n4hsy wrote

Indeed. If it wasn't for a Discord server that a lot of my friends use, it would be even harder to deal with.

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ForestHills9407 t1_j6o6u90 wrote

Which president was is who said "if you want a friend in Washington DC, get a dog"?

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LE_Wash t1_j6p48eu wrote

I moved to the New Haven area about 8 years ago (originally from West Hartford), and if it wasn’t for gyms and a local job that I held then I’m not sure how I would’ve met friends outside of my husband (he’s from New Haven). You and I are the same age, and I fully understand the need to have your own group of trusted friends. How far are you from New Haven? I’d be happy to meet up or share some of the places I’d suggest you check out.

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IndicationOver t1_j6ifmn1 wrote

OP is this sarcasm or is this really a new revelation for you?

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britt_102689 OP t1_j6irkdl wrote

Not sarcasm at all. Its something I always thought would get better for me, but never seems to.

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