In Need of a Friend..

Submitted by ccorbs89 t3_10pzk2q in Connecticut

Hi all, 33M here from Naugatuck…

This is extremely humbling to me, and I feel sort of embarrassed for asking here. However, I’m currently in a crisis situation and am slowly working on myself and my mental health while trying to salvage the little bit of family life I have at the moment as a partner and as a father.

I have a therapist lined up to see me via telehealth tomorrow evening. My support system is small since ya know I’m an “old head” and all of my friends live 30+ minutes away or have drifted apart over the years. I don’t have many hobbies, which doesn’t help one bit, and I’m sure Covid wracked my mind with social anxiety anyway so sometimes I have trouble reaching out to said friends. I guess what I’m looking for is someone around my age to maybe talk to on here in a non biased way. Maybe help me get out of the house, grab coffee or a beer or something and maybe make a new friend.

Please reach out if you feel like you may be able to help. I’d appreciate it.

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crowan83 t1_j6ney6e wrote

Just sent you a message. I run a BJJ school in Prospect. Jiu-jitsu has done wonders for my mental health and has filled my life with a ton of great people. It's not for everyone but if it's something that piques your interest feel free to drop in!

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AB5642 t1_j6nu18f wrote

100% agree with this. Jiu-Jitsu definitely helped me greatly when I got out of the Marine Corps and feeling a bit lost. Highly recommend to OP if it's something he has the slightest bit of interest in

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Demofied t1_j6nynto wrote

I have looked at stuff like this but.. $$, and being out is shape.

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SnooMemesjellies7469 t1_j6obczh wrote

I can't help with the $$, but you don't need to be in shape for BJJ

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Demofied t1_j6obq9l wrote

You do if you don’t want to run out of the building crying like a child because your fatass just embarrassed yourself and you wonder why you can’t be in shape like you for your wedding for your marriage that failed.

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crowan83 t1_j6oibas wrote

We get this a lot. Our usual response is that you don’t get in shape to go to the gym. You go to the gym to get in shape. Same with BJJ. You come here to get in shape. We all started out knowing nothing and getting our butts kicked. With time and dedication, you’ll lose weight, learn the art and gain the other benefits we spoke of. Self-confidence, the potential for improved mental health, friendships and camaraderie. If money is an issue I’m willing to offer you a free month of training!

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Demofied t1_j6oxs3j wrote

I appreciate your very serious response to my depressing and sarcastic answer. If tried getting into various martial arts in the past. Really it’s social anxiety which prevents me from ever going. I did a year of a gym and got in shape because my friend was going with me teaching me. I really appreciate the offer btw. I’m only mostly broke so I hope you save that for someone who needs it more and is more deserving. The well being of fitness is real. Where about in CT in this if you don’t mind me asking?

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BenjTheMaestro t1_j6patgv wrote

You really don’t though. I went in at 220+ You will sweat a lot and get tired, but it’s often things that can be modified. It’s a great way to GET into whatever shape you’re going for. Mostly because it’s fun and makes you use your head.

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BenjTheMaestro t1_j6palsa wrote

BJJ legitimately saved my life during a similar situation. I was down and completely alone, only time I’ve been self harming in my life and lost 30 lbs over a month. I was thrown this exact lifeline by a friend with a school and there are not enough words for what it did for me. It got me eating better so I’d feel better on the mat, gave me a community (I only rolled sundays so it was a small tight group at a small school), and most importantly, it really opened up the creative parts of my brain that had been mostly closed since I stopped playing music around the end of high school. BJJ brought me passion and the will to live, and the passion absolutely did not just stick to jiujitsu. It was the best therapy I ever had.

Sadly, I had to get spinal fusion for an unrelated work injury and haven’t been back since 2015. But if someone is offering their mat like this, it’s always worth TRYING. You’ll be beat and wiped out at first but if it clicks for you, you just found something that will be with you forever 🖤

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Saint_Chrispy1 t1_j6n0eau wrote

Try joining a for fun bowling league, many FB groups out there for things like group hiking.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6n2e0c wrote

Not a bad idea. I checked meet up and there was nothing really appealing to me.

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Saint_Chrispy1 t1_j6n37zs wrote

Also things like darts leagues, pool leagues... If your kids are in school join the PTA and meet other parents

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6nwqdu wrote

Birdwatching is a lot of fun and opportunity to get outdoors and meet others. Great for mental health. Ctbirding.org is the starting point. Just need a pair of binoculars and if you get into it's a fancy camera.

I "collect" bird species like others collect baseball cards. Always looking to see a bird I haven't seen before. It satisfies a certain bit of OCD and the "completionist" part of my personality.

Being actually out there takes you to new places, great exercise and fresh air, and plenty of other birders to meet at the hotspots who are eager to teach you. So go birding for a morning and then go treat yourself to a different social activity like having a beer at a brewery and some lunch. people at breweries are often happy to chat about stuff.

If your looking to talk about more serious issues, the a support group is the way to start. People talk about serious things with friends but it's only good to do with old friends, not new ones. Don't want to scare them away. So separate the two: work to make new casual friends (birding, brewery) and also find a support group to get your more complicated feelings out. In time, the new friends will become old friends.

Good luck

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nxmxd wrote

I collect baseball cards already.

“Bird watching” was partially what got me into trouble

Thanks for the advice I’ll take it in stride

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ericfromct t1_j6nz84g wrote

LMAO I'm pretty sure you're not talking about flying birds here, actual bird watching is fun. And a good excuse to get out of the house and go somewhere

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o7oj6 wrote

Lol glad someone got my humor

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ericfromct t1_j6opso7 wrote

It was great, same type of humor as me so right up my alley lol. Quick witty responses are the best

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6o04p3 wrote

May I ask what it was about bird watching that caused an issue? Seems like there is a story there and it's probably not what I would expect.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o82sq wrote

I was mad at my partner after a few days of arguing and drunkenly downloaded tinder because I was hurt, lonely, alone and drunk. Didn’t do anything on the app, but somehow convinced a girl friend of mine to send me a nude picture. Partner saw everything when I stupidly left my Apple Watch at home.

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6o8d2e wrote

Ah, so nothing to do with birding but a joke. Sounds like that was a mistake, but a human mistake. Your partner judged you for it, you won't get any judgement from me. Thanks for explaining it.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o8p86 wrote

But I also cheated on her (or tried to) about a year after we first started dating. She forgave me for that but this idk I feel like this I hurt her way more

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6o9spd wrote

I think that pointing out wrongdoing is not going to help you here, and what may be needed is just an acceptance that damage done cannot always be undone. But you still need to care for yourself no matter how bad you feel about your role in this. Just as she needs to do the same. There was once a time when she saw something good in you and you need to find yourself back to that place, that state of mind, even if it's without her.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6ob1wm wrote

Ya. I’m trying not to do that as we have a house, family and life together

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6ogy7n wrote

Well, the idea is that you understand where you need to be as the priority in your life, which, if you two can get through this, is also where you need to be for your family. However the feelings of your partner is not in your control, so you could do everything right to be in the place you need to be while she simply chooses to not be with you.

The partner and family is a priority, but one cannot better themselves for the sake of their family. It doesn't work that way. You have to do it for yourself and let gravity do the rest. Otherwise you wind up with the 'i did it all for them" which tends to cause a massive nosedive if the hurt cannot be reconciled. Sort of a way of saying "hey, I made all these changes, I did the work, if you choose to leave me, it's now all your fault." Sort of absolves a person from blame when the original problem may still remain in your partners mind. As I said, learn to accept that she may not be able to reconcile the past no matter what you do.

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Strat7855 t1_j6ne0vk wrote

Good for you my man.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nfiaz wrote

Thanks I suppose

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Strat7855 t1_j6nfwvw wrote

Not being snarky. Should legit be proud of putting yourself out there.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6ni3p9 wrote

Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m in a scary time right now and just looking for support

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XDserpa t1_j6n4ha8 wrote

Hey man, I moved up from Florida a couple of years ago and my friends are all back home. Looking to make new friends my girl and I live in New Haven, which is still probably like 25 mins from you. I enjoy craft beer, comedy, basketball, football

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AndWeMay t1_j6ns2ve wrote

Replying to you since I’m in a similar sitch. I moved to New Haven about a year ago and all my friends are back home.

I’m a 31 year old dude, I also like beer, comedy, and basketball, and would be happy to get together with you two plus anyone else and just be friendly and offer a shoulder should the need arise.

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XDserpa t1_j6nzmlb wrote

Let's do it, would be great to have some CT friends

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ericfromct t1_j6o33mj wrote

Totally sympathize with you both, I'm from CT but left when I was 18 and came back when I was like 26. All my friends are in NJ and my best friend who was like my brother that was actually here died when I moved back. Seems like most everyone really solidifies friendships and a lot of people pick their (at least first) partner during that period, so moving alone to a totally new area far from where your from can really be a lonely experience.

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BenjTheMaestro t1_j6pb5x1 wrote

I feel this. I’m a Jersey transplant from last year! Still haven’t really gone out tbh.

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ericfromct t1_j6pcy9q wrote

I lived in North Jersey, Bloomfield, Montclair, West Paterson (and woodland park, I was there when they changed the name), and Paterson. I miss NJ and my friends so much. Been so hard since I moved back here

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Demofied t1_j6nyso1 wrote

So much good food in that area. We need a pizza man date for redditors

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missmoxiesue t1_j6nbvee wrote

Find a volunteer opportunity? I do animal rescue volunteer work and those people have become my closest friends. When all else fails, there are dogs and cats to talk to, and they are great therapists.

Not Naugatuck, but Bikers Against Animal Cruelty does a lot of social events and they are a great bunch of people.

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RayDiscGolf t1_j6n8uha wrote

Look into disc golf in your area. Fun communities all over CT if you like throwing frisbees and hiking

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Particular_Form6135 t1_j6n19xz wrote

I’ve seen people have a lot of success with posting things similar to this in local town Facebook groups.

Similarly, meetup.com is a great resource. Or if sports are your thing, most towns have adult sports leagues where you can meet new people and break up the monotony. Good luck!

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HoneyDijon-45 t1_j6n3bh8 wrote

At 39, I moved to city where I didn’t know a soul besides my husband. Meetup was a lifeline. I joined meetups for just about anything that sounded appealing. Some were duds, a few resulted in friendships that continue. And all of them got me out of the house, and my own head, for a few hours.

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MarthStew444 t1_j6mz5sr wrote

My 2 cents....when looking to make friends, don't immediately express all the issues you're currently dealing with in your personal life.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6mzl99 wrote

Kind of am kind of am not. I’m just looking for someone to talk to. I feel alone right now.

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MarthStew444 t1_j6mzrmj wrote

I get it. My point is, expressing how lonely you are is not going to attract friends. Good luck.

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bentdaisy t1_j6n84nq wrote

A bunch of people are lonely (especially because of Covid). Saying you are lonely is perfectly fine. Many of us can relate.

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CatsNSquirrels t1_j6n9be1 wrote

Ignore that person OP. I’ve done this exact same thing before (same sort of post on a site like this, same feelings of embarrassment about it, etc.). I’m 42F and married but I’m happy to be a person to chat with if you need an ear. I’ve done a lot of therapy in my life and in fact have a telehealth appt with my out of state therapist on Friday.

We are new to CT and don’t have any friends here. We’re moving to Milford this weekend. Feel free to DM anytime. All of my friends live in my phone these days and they are both male and female.

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stangkonia t1_j6nexcw wrote

Suppressing your feelings is not a healthy way to communicate to current or prospective friends

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MarthStew444 t1_j6ng4vk wrote

No, projecting your loneliness upon strangers is fucking weird and unhealthy. Normal people strike up conversations and make friend that way. Not tell strangers I'm lonely pls be my friend.

This is not that crazy of a concept really. Stranger walks up to me and says I'm lonely and tells me their issues, I'm going the other way.

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jeangrey99 t1_j6nlbr3 wrote

Clearly the lesson on empathy bypassed this commenter. Ignore this, OP. Best of luck. I also echo joining your community’s local FB group. Mine posts a lot of different events and opportunities to meet like-minded folks.

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madnessdanz t1_j6n9fqj wrote

This is exactly why my circle is like three people.

Fuck this mentality.

I'll take a down to earth hot mess of a friend over fake ass vanity any day.

Why have friends if you can't tell them how you feel? They..then..are not friends..

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MarthStew444 t1_j6nb7lt wrote

You're arguing something different. Dude on the internet is not your "hot mess of a friend", you don't even know that person.

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Demofied t1_j6nyxya wrote

But we’ve had no one to blasting all this stuff off too besides our pets!

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Demofied t1_j6nu8ko wrote

Heyo, I’m 37 and been separated from my wife for a year. She just got a house with her BF. My best friend lives in MD, and my other friends are dead. I’m in the same boat. Trying to find people to interact with. DM me if you want some to chat about random shit with on Discord.

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IndicationOver t1_j6nyor5 wrote

Same age, yea life happens. I was talking to my best friend on the phone this morning. They are down in FL.

My sister has like 1 close friend that still ives in CT, its just a normal part of growing up. But they still have their group chat and meet up for birthdays and trips.

Marriage/Divorce/kids can drastically change friendships also.

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Demofied t1_j6nz9s5 wrote

Definitely. My best friends wife is friends with my ex too, makes me hesitate to tell him everything in fears that my ex will hear stuff I don’t want her to.

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IndicationOver t1_j6o1fh1 wrote

O yea for sure, divorces and literally end friendships for some also, happens a lot actually.

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Demofied t1_j6o1w9b wrote

Yea, bear friend for 19 years. I told him I feel guilty I haven’t been telling him everything I used to.. it’s rough!

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tonofunnumba1 t1_j6nacn6 wrote

Lots of music and art stuff. Can always find a friend in Black Rock haha

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davidjl01 t1_j6ndj7b wrote

Glad people are getting back to you bro, best of luck. I mountain bike in oxford once every few weeks with a group of other guys (40s), if you're into MTB let me know.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nfatm wrote

Dude that sounds sick. I don’t have a bike otherwise I’d take you up on it lol

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ericfromct t1_j6o05wg wrote

Facebook fucking sucks but you could probably find a cheap one on marketplace or on OfferUp. Maybe worth checking out if you're interested in it.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o86zd wrote

Hmm I’ll check it out thanks for the suggestion

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Vness374 t1_j6mxrfh wrote

Hey! I’m an old lady, so probably not gonna be able to help you in the socializing department (I’m a homebody myself) but can I ask… do you work? I found that during Covid and even after when I couldn’t find work (fucking ageism in restaurants is no joke) I got really depressed. No that I’m working again, and forced to be around people, my depression is gone. We are social animals, whether we feel that way or not. If you are not working, or working from home, would you consider getting a part-time job? You will totally make friends at work!

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6my937 wrote

I do in fact work full time. I try to separate my work life from my personal/family life as I already spend way too much time at work.

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Vness374 t1_j6myh8y wrote

Totally understand. I guess my work has always been entwined in my personal… I met my ex husband at work and all of my best friends are people I worked with at some point

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IndicationOver t1_j6nkokl wrote

There's A Big Difference Between Your Work Friends And Your Real Friends

I guess that works for you but I would never date co worker and work friends have boundaries imo. You have made work your identity with no outside life.

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Vness374 t1_j6nrv5w wrote

Maybe true when I was in my 20’s. But I’m 48 and def don’t hang out with my coworkers anymore, as they are all half my age. I’m friendly with them, and we have fun at work (you have to in restaurants or you’ll end up crying in the walk-in)

All of my friends are people I met at different jobs, but 20-30 years ago.

Edit: a letter

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IndicationOver t1_j6nvo50 wrote

Like I said it works for you. I have worked in food service before so I know how kitchen culture goes. Still the same response.

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kashmir_stg t1_j6n8y5g wrote

Do you like live music?

I use going to live music to boost my mood sometimes. I don’t know where you are but the are great little bars/venues that host great local music. And it’s a great way to meet some new people.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nci6c wrote

I’m in Naugatuck. I really enjoy edm, dubstep etc but really anything live I like.

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NLCmanure t1_j6njf4e wrote

you may not have hobbies or activities now but I bet you have something that you have always been curious about that could make a hobby or activity and I'm sure there are many here who would like to share that interest with you and vice versa. There's so much out there.
What interests you? What are you curious about?

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IndicationOver t1_j6njgtn wrote

Work on your mental health first before trying to make friendships and romantic relationships but hey that is just my 0.02 cent opinion.

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Demofied t1_j6nz1wd wrote

My psy says not to wait to make a social circle. Dating maybe wait but not friends.

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Demofied t1_j6nzgt5 wrote

Someone get this man on discord and we can have a need a friend discord channel to chat. I’m always on it for work and it’s great to just chat or share funny shit. Also if you want to do some gaming..

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Sneaky-er t1_j6nzrsg wrote

I went back to college. Eased into it. Took 1 class then went in part-time.

It keeps my mind busy and opportunity to meet people or join programs.

Be cool and go to school.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o7tst wrote

Not a fan of the fed-ed model but thank you.

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celeste99 t1_j6onkll wrote

Lots of adults meet people in various parks, to volunteer or go hiking. There are also fb hiking groups, sometimes Pokemon go ( or other online ap games ?). Walking dogs often lead to meeting strangers, and dog classes. Local human resources may have some other adult classes too, maybe pottery or cooking.
Some of the thrift stores, chess games, and volunteering with young adults, are especially friendly places. The weather will warm-up, and getting outside with more hours of sunlight may help.

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itsmills420 t1_j6oofvz wrote

I'm 34, i fish naugatuck regularly I'm from danbury. if you wanna get out can pick u up, get you a day pass and possibly get you on some salmon. I'm 5 years in recovery, I know what it's like to need to help- let me know

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AmandaRL514 t1_j6nlmuj wrote

Meetup.com used to have a ton of local groups pre-Covid. I haven't checked it out recently though.

There is no shame in all in your post! I hope you find your tribe and feel better :)

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6no3sq wrote

Thank you! And yes from what I was looking at on meetup it’s been quiet.

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anothertimewaster t1_j6not7q wrote

Go join a BJJ gym. Avoid your problems by getting wrecked on the mat while you improve your physical well being!

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1976kdawg t1_j6nr4v9 wrote

Hey man, hanging in there. 47 M here and I can tell you starting therapy is a great decision. That means you are making healthy choices, helping yourself and those around you by seeking help. As an artist I have always used art as my therapy but as an adult in therapy I see how it unlocks my creativity by helping me to process and not feel frustrated or blocked. Trying drawing to music. It can be very relaxing and a positive way to release pent up emotions.

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Sassafrass17 t1_j6nwy6v wrote

I wish you the best. I'm sure you'll link up with someone

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nxrc3 wrote

Thank you. My grandfathers dog was named sassy.

Is that you?

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TwoCanSee t1_j6n32ag wrote

Whatcha do for work brother.

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TrafficAble1854 t1_j6nb0kn wrote

Not near Naugatuck but can definitely be your friend!

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[deleted] t1_j6nk1zt wrote

[deleted]

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nl8yl wrote

Thanks I’ve heard of waka just the distance and schedule part of it never worked for me

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catbirdgrey t1_j6nkshs wrote

You might ask your therapist about IOP, partial hospitalization, or PROS programs. These are programs for people in crisis who do not need to be inpatient. It's a ton of group therapy. Honestly the best part is finding other people who can relate to you, having people to talk to. If not something like that then maybe like see if there's one therapy group you could join, maybe online, your therapist might have suggestions. <3

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taintedchops t1_j6npxmj wrote

33 isn’t old my friend, you’re just starting. Be kind to yourself and understand it’s okay to feel unsure about where you are/where you are going. As long as you are actively taking steps to make small, beneficial changes, you can’t lose. The only thing that kept my friend group together during Covid was gaming. Even now we might not boot a game some nights, we just hop on discord and have a chat, it helps

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6nr2rx wrote

Damn I wish I had friends like yours.

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Beedz74 t1_j6o37b2 wrote

My brother is in your age group and situation. I'll see if he'll chat on here.

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Heavnly19 t1_j6o3rsi wrote

I'm not sure if you're in a position to volunteer at the moment, but Naugatuck Soup Kitchen can always use some hands, and I know the local animal shelters (Animals For Life in Naugy and Whiskers in Southbury) were looking for help recently. It's not immediate friendships, but it is a way to be social and meet some people and help some others.

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nofishontuesday2 t1_j6o7qed wrote

Take a trip to the nearest animal shelter and volunteer some time. You can kill 2 birds with one stone. Help an animal in need out and get the benefit of feeling better and so will the animals. I can also guarantee you’ll meet people there that are kind and thoughtful.

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laceyourbootsup t1_j6o8xnq wrote

Join Naugatuck Valley Crossfit.

I am 100% serious and this is not some Crossfit sales pitch.

Within a week you will have a community and folks to chat with, hang out at the gym, go to happy hour.

Physical fitness level does not matter. You’ll be accepted immediately.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6oarkk wrote

Yeah..I never gave CrossFit a shot. May be something to consider as I want to get back into shape too

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laceyourbootsup t1_j6oewz7 wrote

I was never really looking for a “community” when I joined and found myself turning down weekly invites to grab drinks or just hang out.

I found it later in life when I had a family and no time for developing new friendships.

But I have always thought, if I ever needed to develop a group of friends and didn’t know where to start - a Crossfit gym would be like kindling to get a fire started

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TopMagician6574 t1_j6oov46 wrote

As for your immediate crisis, glad to see you getting help.

&#x200B;

For friends and a hobby...do what they did before the internet. Join a social club! Lions, Elks, Moose, Masons, they are all designed so people who want to know other people and work with them and socialize with them have a place to go.

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