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vamanaswk t1_jbdu9zi wrote

That’s fine in and of itself. But the problem is not trying to get closure , rather being forced to continually deal with the same person over and over again


AmargithHuld t1_jbe0keo wrote

And, that’s when I cut him out of my life, your Honor.

I hear ya, though. Took me 5 years and there’s still pressure to ‘make up’.

This shit is never fucking easy.


chevymonza t1_jbhmx97 wrote

Sigh, members are difficult to eliminate from one's life entirely. Forced to cross paths now and then.


AmargithHuld t1_jbim3wq wrote

I hear you.

I was «lucky»

I was taken abroad by my husbands promotion, so I only see them when I go back.

About 2 years ago, I made it clear i was no longer interested in seeing my father or his side of the family, so I stopped flying over for Christmas.

Now I only go back for my mom and friends and during an event for her side of the family, where I endure my brothers - for now.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

But honest - it’s lifted a weight off my shoulders in a way I wasnt expecting.

And I finally get to enjoy the Yuletide ❤️

100% recommend ;)


chevymonza t1_jblssc5 wrote

That sounds wonderful!! I tried to move to Europe after my first visit in my early twenties. Didn't work out, but I've been telling my husband that if his company ever has jobs over yonder, that he needs to consider it!


or10r t1_jbilcy6 wrote

Bravo. I don't see this text saying that you should put up with bad behavior from the people in your life. Get clear of them. Just don't look for them to try and amend the harms they have done to you. Let them go. You cant run the race of life you are called to run carrying heavy burdens. Life is far too short and far too precious for that.


SweetJ138 t1_jbedlq7 wrote

yep. i'm forced to live with the person because we're broke and have kids. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


kdavido1 t1_jbeqfti wrote

Or worse, the person who is causing the harm comes at this from the perspective of the ‘hidden gem’. I.e they are abusive but it’s ok because their feelings are valid, etc. I firmly believe that messages like this text enable toxic behaviour.


writerchic t1_jbfast3 wrote

That can be true too. It depends on who gets this advice.


walking_deadinsides t1_jbhqwrk wrote

100% yes. This resonated with me and my situation with my best friend. 26 years of ups and downs. We have taken 4 breaks in 26 years bc of her being insane and letting her BPD/Bipolar take over without any regard. This will be our 5th time and hopefully the final break. She snuck into my room while I showered with my husband to snoop on our conversation. I feel so violated and sick. How do I know she did this? She told me in her 10’page text rant/meltdown. I can see her posting this “hidden gem” or sending me this as a jab of sorts.


DibEdits t1_jbhpe08 wrote

Its like how can you heal a wound when the knife is still stuck in you?


z0mb1e87 t1_jbedk71 wrote

There’s a spectrum to this. Some people react too much to the world around them and need this message. Other people expect the world to react too much to them and need the exact opposite message.


garry4321 t1_jbew261 wrote

Until you realize that it was YOU who was being unreasonable and caused yourself to be hurt. Unrequited love is a bitch.


UncoolSlicedBread t1_jbf6c8n wrote

This is why I'm a big proponent of writing letters to myself. I heard about this time after an excruciating young love breakup and it helped me heal so much faster.


Becauseimu t1_jbgi9kb wrote

What book is this?


ms-e-mo t1_jbhbc6u wrote

Not 100% sure but it reads like something Melody Beattie would write


yamaha2000us t1_jbe3ly1 wrote

Unless your the asshole…


Nintendogma t1_jbfj7y0 wrote

Exactly what I was thinking.

...seems like a philosophy that enables Karen-like behavior.


ChefGirlRD1738 OP t1_jbkowoc wrote

You see how many peoples day have been made brighter by this right?

Happy nice people don’t go online to critique and complain about inspiring quotes. That’s what the assholes do


yamaha2000us t1_jbl0mxr wrote

Based on the comments, not so many.


ChefGirlRD1738 OP t1_jbl2h70 wrote

Comments are where unhappy people spend there days. Happy people only hit like buttons.


yamaha2000us t1_jbl2xj3 wrote

I am not happy?

If you know what you are doing, you never have to ask for forgiveness.


myself_wej t1_jbezkh7 wrote

But I still need a closure. How can we stop having hopes that maybe, just maybe it is going to work someday? Waiting and having hopes because of not having a closure is a perpetual pain. And on the other hand, regrets from just leaving might emerge at any time. I'm stuck right now, because I need a closure so that I can get over, but the 'ifs' and ' mights' are just giving me a hard time. Even though they show you they don't deserve you, you still want to hear it. Life is unfair..


Smart-Car9019 t1_jbe5r33 wrote

Is it ok to send this to my gf who is kinda dealing with the ex ka trauma?


Ligsters t1_jbegg3y wrote

Not to bring you down (no clue who you are) but to shine light to certain realities. If you’re having to deal with a partner’s emotions about a past relationship, they’re not invested in you. Trauma or not, it’s never healthy to invest in someone who hasn’t done the work to overcome past romances. The outcomes never benefits you.


Smart-Car9019 t1_jbmp22t wrote

Through the due course of our relationship, isn't it possible for her to heal? Show her what love is in its truest sense


Ligsters t1_jbmuw0w wrote

As a clinical psychotherapist and many years of experience in relationship dynamics, you’re dealing with some level of desire and attraction hidden in resentment and pain. On the surface, the healing process looks like overcoming resentment and pain, but deep down those emotions cannot exist without yearning and attachment.

Look at it this way to simplify it all to the most reductive level. If a random person passing you on the street who you didn’t notice even existed insulted you, you’d probably laugh and walk away. If your mother or father or anyone you had an attachment of love to insulted you in the same manner, it would hurt you deeply. The factor that makes the difference is your attachment to the individual.

If your gf wasn’t still in love or in yearning for her ex, she wouldn’t need proof of what love is. Your love towards her means nothing. That’s not what SHE feels. It’s her love towards you that she needs to feel. It’s her uncontrollable desire towards you that dictates what “love” looks like to her.

You can’t show someone love…it’s a feeling…that only she can feel…and she currently feels that for someone else. That’s the harsh reality you need to face regardless of how YOU feel about her.

My best advice is to walk away with respect and explain that you need her to overcome her past on her own before you can dedicate any part of you to her. She may cry, she may insult you, she may blame you. But the reality is that you’re only a shoulder to cry on, a crutch that is being taken away and it’s the only way for her to truly heal. To learn how to walk on her own again. And if you truly mean something to her, she’ll return because you displayed respect for yourself and for her. And that’s what she lacked in her past relationship which will click for her once she heals and she’ll respect and truly fall for you.

If she doesn’t come back, she was going to leave you once she finished drying her tears on you anyway. Take it from someone who has been through it and who has helped BOTH parties recognize this when doing relationship work with both sides of the picture.


Smart-Car9019 t1_jbmwl5a wrote

The thing is her ex has been a bitch to her, used her only for physical purpose on the context of a relationship while she thought the otherwise. She dumped his ass ass right away but she's still not able to overcome the trauma he has given her. She admits that she likes me alot but the thing is i don't know if it's right to continue this relationship because I genuinely like her alot, met someone like her after a long time that i felt such connection with. I just wanna get her out of this truama.


Smart-Car9019 t1_jbmwrtd wrote

And i don't like her because she's dealing with this shit, i liked before she even told me abt this ex.


Ligsters t1_jbmxjmx wrote

It’s all encompassed in what I wrote. Reread it carefully if any of it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t have the time or energy to dissect a relationship outside of my work. Just sharing my knowledge, hope it helps.


Smart-Car9019 t1_jbn1z3c wrote

Thnk you for taking your time. Appreciate it. Will give it some time on what u said. Cheers!


xGolDee999x t1_jbeslka wrote


Thank you for sharing.


writerchic t1_jbeypqv wrote

Wow. Serendipitous that I saw this. I've been fighting with someone in my family who I am very close to (but who has historically lashed out at me repeatedly and gaslit me and done very mean things) for several days now after him suddenly again lashing out at me (literally out of the blue a day after everything was great), and he said something very cruel and unfair that has left me reeling. Our relationship is basically done after what he said and his refusal to walk that back, and in fact saying that I would have to admit to secretly wishing an extremely horrible accident to happen to him (which is 100% never the case- I love this person) or else I am not validating his reality. I kept saying I didn't feel that and giving him the chance to apologize, but it won't be coming. I'm heartbroken about it. But this text above is super helpful to me.


DontUseYouStatements t1_jbe4kne wrote

For those curious about the source:

"Shannon Alder is a best selling LDS author. She has been published in 300 books by various relationship authors on amazon. Visit"


Well2far t1_jbh2ljy wrote

… where can i buy this book?


Noahs132 t1_jbfe5ww wrote

I needed this in my life right now. Thanks OP !


Amarubi007 t1_jbfgr2z wrote

Thank you. I needed this.


Queenofwands1212 t1_jbfh9kz wrote

When it’s a family member this can be the most debilitating thing. I’m wondering where this quote is from…. What book?


Ethario t1_jbfjx2g wrote

Sometimes its not the person that hurts you, but your own reflection in the message that does.


MachaTea1 t1_jbgoldk wrote

How do you know if what you're feeling is a choice or not? I try and choose happiness but it's not always so easy. Do i just wait for the unpleasant feelings to subside? Can someone gaslight themselves to happiness? Are all feelings a choice?


BankerBoy83 t1_jbh4she wrote

Seen this before but it really hit this time. I think everyone can relate how these words come across as both beautiful and true.


Deasify t1_jbh7t6v wrote

is this Hidden Gems by Sara Sheehan ?


walking_deadinsides t1_jbho14c wrote

I don’t think we owe anyone closure. I am perfectly capable of admitting If and when I hurt someone.

Last week I ended a friendship of 26 years without giving an explanation. My best friend is I’m sure hurt by my actions and she demanded an explanation. I do not owe her one. The toxicity, drama and violations of my trust is reason enough to put space between us without an explanation. She is really unaware as to what she did and I have no desire to hold her hand and explain what she did.


iZenun t1_jbi6fvu wrote

Untrue, I will never heal from the pain. I know this because I've carried it for years and years, and it's still the same as from the first.


wadenotdead t1_jbihtwd wrote

Or they’re too sensitive to take accountability for what pain they caused you. It takes good character to understand their point of view with a scenario like that. Also maybe you aren’t accepting how you hurt them either.


JollySky314 t1_jblumau wrote

I noticed some of those people who don’t admit their faults were always scared of many things. If they are wrong, their world is destroyed. So, admitting their fault is a matter of life or death for them. But as this author said, we don’t need to bother them. When I wanted to take revenge on someone, I just progressed and became happy by thanking the person for giving me a chance to learn about humanity because I knew that my happiness is the last thing they wanted to see.   



cattreephilosophy t1_jbndvby wrote

This was written by Sara Sheehan aka @soulmoonchild on Instagram!


RepeatUnnecessary324 t1_jbepj0r wrote

wait, so this one is about the words? I just tried doing the “magic eye” thing, looking at this image on my phone, and I saw a hand flipping the bird emerging from the text on this page.

Going to plan on taking a nap today just in case. 😬


Scoongili t1_jbehfnp wrote

Kind of a long winded way of saying "Quit being a little punk, and get over it."