I’ve been doing bjj for 20 years or so - I think my first 4 years were just tapping and being pinned looking up at the lights and counting ceiling tiles.

Part of what kept me coming back was that for some unknown reason I thought it was fun. I hated MMA. Sounds like you like it though, so problem one is solved.

I think if you set small goals it will be immensely helpful.

For me, the easiest way to do this is to start experimenting with reactions instead of trying to win. When I do “x” I try to see what my opponent will do. It can be a simple as taking a step backwards and watching what the opponent does. I then try to catalog the reaction.

After cataloging it, I try to anticipate the reaction, and see if I can make them move in that predictable way. That’s a small victory even if I get my butt beat the rest of the day. I made somebody do something, and I knew it was going to happen - endorphin rush!

Bonus: Now, when I ask a coach a question, I can say when I do “x” I notice most of my opponents do “y.” What can I do in this scenario? Now the feedback i get from my coach is immediately applicable to something that I know how to create. Feedback loop of positive things usually gets rolling from here.