RIP Christina.

Confidence is not about other people.

It's about whether you trust yourself to execute what you are doing competently - including social tasks. "To confide" means to place trust in. When we talk of "confidence" as a personal trait, it implicitly means "self-confidence", viz. "I trust in myself".

Genuine confidence thus requires both developed competence and an accurate assessment of that competence. Otherwise, you can either become overconfident (a fool), if you lack the competence; and you can likewise become timid if you have the competence but sell yourself short.

It's a form of trust, fundamentally, and thus does/should operate like all other types of trust.

No I'd argue it's "do I even like them"

Confidence is not thinking about either of those things.

Confidence is finding the "they" that will like you. Not all people are the same. But we are social beings. So if you have a product, you have to find one who needs it. Or maybe even build the product that people need. But the best product that many people need always faces people who do not like it or even hate it. Confidence is not not caring about others' opinions. It's not being hypersensitive about every last one person's comment on the earth.

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No, confidence is "I'm too amazing for these mere mortals."

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To me, there are two types of confidence which unfortunately share the same name. One is a social script... learned vicariously through being surrounded by people who are also playing out the script. The important thing is that you have to socially relate to them to adopt their behaviors, through friendship or being involved in the same business or team sport. Lets call it scripted confidence.

This scripted confidence can also be passed down through the confidence of parents, siblings, idols, made up characters in movies, books, or games, and the structure of one’s upbringing. But it’s still a learned script. And MOST of its development comes down to caring what people think of you.

I also find it extremely deceptive and dangerous. It’s the foundation of con-men (which even stands for ‘confidence man’) and I’ve seen many people who are celebrated for their confidence lead people, countries, battalions, projects, etc into absolute hell because they were living on pure false scripted behaviors and self belief.

The other form of confidence is gained through the direct knowledge and experience of succeeding. If a basketball player trains to shoot hoops from any angle and distance, to the point that they never miss... then they develop an intrinsic confidence. It's forged into their muscles, into their brain. And when that specific skill translates to winning a game, they walk with a deep self value.

If anyone trains long enough to achieve mastery of a subject or skill, they will subsequently be confident.

Some people have a hybrid form of confidence that exists as a mix of the two… they compound off one another and the combo parades them through life, succeeding both physically and socially.

But the two fundamentals remain:

Intrinsic confidence is earned.

Scripted confidence is learned.

One is learned and developed through osmosis, backed by nothing but blind belief. The other is real and can be silent and formless. Someone who is intrinsically confident can be the butt end of social hierarchy because they don't know the "script" of confidence.

A sharp and intuitive eye can tell the difference in a heartbeat. But most people can’t, nor does it even matter to anyone but those interested in truth and authenticity. Don’t be a fake. Develop intrinsic confidence, don’t be a scripted fake.

eh almost

I don't need them to like me.

I would argue this isn't confidence.

Confidence is knowing they will like you.