You are at the point I was last year.
At 61 years old I saw my first therapist. I wish I had done it years sooner. I feel alive, and enjoy being myself again. I had days that I didn’t get out of bed. I wanted to quit life. Not suicidal, just quit. I didn’t want to do anything, made excuses not to go places. The therapy works, it is not always easy, but it is a safe place to say what you need to say. Depression is not going to go away until you learn to manage those days. You are not alone in this. To see a Rainbow, you have to turn your back to the Sun, and face the storm. 🙏🏻