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spider-bro t1_it4rwa5 wrote

Reply to comment by PM_SHORT_STORY_IDEAS in [Image] "Toxic Positivity is Forced..." - Susan David by true90sstory

Skipping straight from sharing something difficult to declaring it resolved/transformed is the definition of minimizing something.

“My mother just died”

(a) “Oh my God that’s terrible!”
(b) “Turn it into a positive!”

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PM_SHORT_STORY_IDEAS t1_it4ycuj wrote

TLDR: Looking on the bright side =/= 1984 forced happiness.

Obviously grieving someone's death or mourning a loss is a process that needs to be gone through, you're taking a generality and extrapolating it into an absolute truth.

Should you grieve your mother's death? Yes, that's horrible. Should anyone else tell you how to feel about that? No, they should f*** off.

Should you continue to be sad and grieve for years on end? Past a certain point... If you can help it, no. Seeing the positive and being thankful for the good in things will make you a happier and better person overall.

Someday my mom will die, and it will wreck me. Hope not painfully, I hope she doesn't suffer, but it's going to suck a lot. And it will suck after. But I hope that I will remember her for the positive moments after some time has passed.

The post asserts that trying to look on the brightside is actually wrong if you're not feeling good in actuality. It completely misses the point that sometimes changing your mind is a good thing, and you can often be a buoying force in someone else's life

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_tsuujin t1_it643hf wrote

My dad recently died from cancer. It was a long, painful death and I sat at his side the whole time. Watching him suffer and die broke me emotionally and I still struggle with it every single day.

If I didn’t have people around me doing their best to help me find balance I genuinely do not know how I would make it day to day. Sometimes I need to just be sad, but if I did that all the time I don’t think I could function.

Most of the time I need people to help me remember that my world is broader that my grief, and sometimes that means I need people telling me to look on the bright side when I can’t shake off being sad.

The original post is what I view as toxic here. Making an assumption that someone reaching out to remind you that your attitude is largely within your control, even when you think it isn’t, can’t just be a blanket evil, selfish act. That kind of thinking does nothing for anyone and is actively harmful to those of us currently suffering.

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Yes_Thats__My_Name t1_it7wcns wrote

Yeah I’ve been through some shit in life. Lost my mum at 12 and had no dad around and then it was a cascade of one thing after another until I got to around 27/28 and if it wasn’t for people around me helping me to see the positive in life I for sure would not be here today. I had to see the positive otherwise I would have literally just curled up died and would not be enjoying the life I have now.

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Pandora_Palen t1_it5614a wrote

B is more often than not a person fumbling around for something to say that makes you feel better. They don't know if "oh my God that's terrible" will send you spiraling into an episode of renewed acute grief so they try to say something that maybe hadn't already factored into the hardship you've been dealing with.

Most people would like to help you suffer less, so their intentions are good even if their methods need some serious work. Calling that "toxic" is bullshit.

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Ferret_Brain t1_it6m2ix wrote

That’s great if they’re actually offering TO help. Some people don’t, they listen, say “be positive” but don’t offer any real support or empathy because they’re not offering it, they just want the person to get over it.

IMO, you should always acknowledge someone’s pain first and THEN offer positivity/comfort/advise next, and sometimes, it’s more beneficial to outright ask first “do you want to talk and process it first or do you want advise/to change things?”

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Pandora_Palen t1_it8864o wrote

The people I was talking about (group B) are not the "some people" that "just want the person to get over it." I'm referring to people who actually care about you, but I think you're talking about those who were probably wondering "why are they telling me this and how do I get them to stop talking about it" the whole time you were unloading your traumatic experience. They're probably also the people you wouldn't sit down for a conversation about how you'd like them to treat you when you're divulging painful things. If doing that would be awkward, then you're probably not close enough to have any expectations for how they respond. Sharing pain can be bonding, but not everybody is up for that with everyone else all of the time and that's fair.

I agree with you about acknowledging pain then offering whatever, but there are a lot of people out there who do care about you but either don't communicate well on an emotional level or who, for themselves, prefer to always look for the positive and shove back the hardship. My kid had a 5% chance of living at one point. What I did NOT want to hear? "OMG, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It must be incredibly difficult. Want to process or talk?" It's what I'd say to somebody else, but it was not what I wanted to hear. What I wanted was something solid and grounding and positive. Maybe throw in a joke. Gimme the hopium I crave and the silver fucking lining because sympathy means absolute shit when you're really going through it. Sometimes false positivity is exactly what a person needs.

ETA: sure would have liked to have heard the reasoning behind the downvote. My personal coping mechanisms just not meeting Reddit standards? SMH. Absolutely bizarre.

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simulacrum81 t1_it5gqwp wrote

Dunno when my grandfather died I took some comfort from the fact that he was no longer suffering, that we were fortunate to have had him in our lives at all, the fact that we had an opportunity to be with him in his last days, the fact that we had the privilege of helping to ease his discomfort in his last days. Etc.. I shared some of these thoughts with some other grieving relatives and they found them useful. I could have sat there yelling “he’s gone! He’s gone! He’s gone!” Over and over in my head and working myself deeper and deeper into despair.

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