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Pandora_Palen t1_it5614a wrote

Reply to comment by spider-bro in [Image] "Toxic Positivity is Forced..." - Susan David by true90sstory

B is more often than not a person fumbling around for something to say that makes you feel better. They don't know if "oh my God that's terrible" will send you spiraling into an episode of renewed acute grief so they try to say something that maybe hadn't already factored into the hardship you've been dealing with.

Most people would like to help you suffer less, so their intentions are good even if their methods need some serious work. Calling that "toxic" is bullshit.

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Ferret_Brain t1_it6m2ix wrote

That’s great if they’re actually offering TO help. Some people don’t, they listen, say “be positive” but don’t offer any real support or empathy because they’re not offering it, they just want the person to get over it.

IMO, you should always acknowledge someone’s pain first and THEN offer positivity/comfort/advise next, and sometimes, it’s more beneficial to outright ask first “do you want to talk and process it first or do you want advise/to change things?”

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Pandora_Palen t1_it8864o wrote

The people I was talking about (group B) are not the "some people" that "just want the person to get over it." I'm referring to people who actually care about you, but I think you're talking about those who were probably wondering "why are they telling me this and how do I get them to stop talking about it" the whole time you were unloading your traumatic experience. They're probably also the people you wouldn't sit down for a conversation about how you'd like them to treat you when you're divulging painful things. If doing that would be awkward, then you're probably not close enough to have any expectations for how they respond. Sharing pain can be bonding, but not everybody is up for that with everyone else all of the time and that's fair.

I agree with you about acknowledging pain then offering whatever, but there are a lot of people out there who do care about you but either don't communicate well on an emotional level or who, for themselves, prefer to always look for the positive and shove back the hardship. My kid had a 5% chance of living at one point. What I did NOT want to hear? "OMG, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It must be incredibly difficult. Want to process or talk?" It's what I'd say to somebody else, but it was not what I wanted to hear. What I wanted was something solid and grounding and positive. Maybe throw in a joke. Gimme the hopium I crave and the silver fucking lining because sympathy means absolute shit when you're really going through it. Sometimes false positivity is exactly what a person needs.

ETA: sure would have liked to have heard the reasoning behind the downvote. My personal coping mechanisms just not meeting Reddit standards? SMH. Absolutely bizarre.

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