Doggosnotfroggos t1_j3gxcft wrote on January 8, 2023 at 2:24 PM

I’m glad this worked for you but honestly some of this is just plain wrong. I hate it when I see advice like you can’t be happy in a relationship if you can’t be happy alone because its completely nonsensical. Humans are social animals and being alone for prolonged amounts of time isn’t normal or healthy. People absolutely can be miserable alone and much happier in a relationship. Sure if you can’t be five minutes on your own you have problems but otherwise advice that says stuff that means you have to be at this special level in your life (love yourself, happy alone) before you should be in a relationship is really toxic imo and makes people think they aren’t good enough to have a partner.

Jimwdc t1_j3h6sji wrote on January 8, 2023 at 3:35 PM

I get what you’re saying. I interpret what OP is saying is that you bring your emotional baggage with you into a relationship so that if you’re generally a shitty person alone then having a partner isn’t going to make you any better unless the relationship makes you want to change, and you can genuinely do it.

BestKeptInTheDark t1_j3idvxy wrote on January 8, 2023 at 8:08 PM

Silly put in this Adam handler sketch on a more recent snl https://youtu.be/TbwlC2B-BIg

The travel agent. Say there is a lot a vacation can do, but not change how yo are in group settings... Make you comfortable in a bagbb suit or change why you drnk...

GroovyNoob t1_j3ix6k8 wrote on January 8, 2023 at 10:04 PM

I get where you’re coming from. Our need for companionship and love is very strong. That said;

Yes, if you are an otherwise balanced person with a good social, fulfilling hobbies, et cetera, then getting in a relationship with another person on your level probably will make you happier.

But that is not the kind of person OP is addressing.

If you are anxious, disconnected, depressed, et cetera, and despite having no friends or social ability feel the NEED to have a romantic relationship, you need to slow down. Your lack of self-worth is creating a huge vulnerability. You think a partner is going to fix you, cure you, validate you, but they won’t. It’s a lie your monkey brain tells you in an effort to pass your genes on. Most likely, your partner will either have your same baggage and the two of you will wear each other out trying to get the validation you can’t give, or they will exploit your weaknesses for their own gain, emotionally sucking you dry for their own ego.

Or both. I’ve seen partners who do both.

Point is, I suggest you listen to OP. Learn to enjoy the company of others without needing their validation, and when the right person comes along, you will be ready for them. And in the meanwhile, you’ll have friends and interests to keep you from suffering.

Doggosnotfroggos t1_j3yote8 wrote on January 11, 2023 at 11:41 PM

I don’t need to listen to OP. I’m perfectly happy in my relationship, and think they’re talking harmful bollocks.

GroovyNoob t1_j428n2q wrote on January 12, 2023 at 5:56 PM

So, just to be clear, you were anxious and depressed, and then you got into a relationship and it fixed everything for you?

Doggosnotfroggos t1_j45i5zm wrote on January 13, 2023 at 8:23 AM

I mean yeah? Living a life alone is hard and sad. It’s not such a radical concept. 15, 20 years ago it was normal to be in a relationship and if you weren’t you were an anomaly and and it was accepted it was a shitty situation to be in. This new attitude is overthinking things and is emotional gaslighting in my opinion. Get the relationship, if you’re still sad and depressed go see someone but don’t try and treat situational symptoms without trying to fix the situation. It’s madness.

GroovyNoob t1_j46ye7k wrote on January 13, 2023 at 4:27 PM

Living life alone IS hard and sad, and most of us do long for romantic companionship. And I agree that sometimes, all that’s wrong is that you’re lonely. I don’t, however, think that’s the majority of cases.

Why? Because people who are emotionally secure, socially interested, and intellectually involved are in a perfect position to find a partner (much like you did, in fact!) This post is not written for people who are just in the normal transitory state between growing up and finding a partner. This post is intended for people for whom relationships do not come, or do not work.