Well I am very different six months after starting my new job, but it just feels not enough.

I'm my biggest disappointment ever since I had a major depressive episode that led to me switching majors and setting five years of college aside for 4 and 1/2 years studying a different area.

I constantly feel five years behind and failing the grand mission I set for myself back when the depressive episode happened. Even the "good" things I do feel like punishment because I view the objective of personal happiness and grow as vain, narcissistic and self-centered. Yes at the same time I feel like I'm not cut for politics or starting a big business to have the messianic influence I hoped to have to atone for I don't even know what.

I have simultaneously pride, perfectionism, loss of faith, despair, shame, guilt and low self-esteem, and I barely reduced the pressure I put myself under (something my therapist brought up).

No matter what I do, it never feels enough. Yet I can't allow myself to go seek peace/enlightenment through meditation cause my ego is too scared of getting destroyed.