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NehEma t1_j8mlzjz wrote

Reply to comment by dollywooddude in [Image] The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you. by crm_expert

The world tells you a lot through social conditioning. Most of the things that we often deem as "natural" or "evident" are social norms. Have you ever been told to "man up" or that something is "not lady-like"? That's the world telling you who you are (or what it thinks you should be).

There are a lots of reasons for not knowing who you are. Lacking similar people around you is one possible reason.

imho it's motivating because it gives you other options than the miserable life you might've been ascribed.

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ihitrockswithammers t1_j8n3tn9 wrote

This makes a lot of sense to me. I'm gender non-conforming in that I'm a tall guy with masculine facial features, and I'm most happy with my waist length hair down, wearing a long flowing dress and make up. This is apparently extremely strange to 99% of people, disturbing even.

Gender roles are very deeply ingrained in society and our training/conditioning starts early. It never even occurred to me that this is who I want to be until my mid 30s, and it was very painful to discover about myself.

Most of the time I dress fairly normally because it's practical for work as a stonecarver (currently wearing overalls and a woolly hat), and people make hardline assumptions about who I am and how I'm likely to behave. How I ought to behave.

Occasionally I'll slip up and a sudden expression of happiness will come out in a very girly way, like fists balled to my cheeks and little jumps for joy. This is usually regarded as utterly pathetic, by both men and women alike - at least in the straight cisgender world. If I'm working on site I can't express myself freely at all because if my queer side shows at all it can make an entire room of previously relaxed laughing men freeze over and turn sour.

I'm still doing the work of shrugging off these societal shackles in my early 40s.

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NehEma t1_j8p0bxs wrote

Hey fellow breathing human being \o

I'm glad you're able to deconstruct these social norms and experiment with things that make you happier and feel more fulfilled.

I'm not for that bespoke cishet world but afaik they tend to be scared by masc looking folks expressing other emotions than anger ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'd say it's easier to be yourself and send idiots fuck themselves than play a part that wasn't meant to be yours. Otoh I'm a 27yo French countryside punk, what do I know? :)

(Lastly, lots of guys look stunning in dresses and everybody telling you the contrary is a bad liar)

PS: nice username

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ihitrockswithammers t1_j8qudld wrote

> I'm a 27yo French countryside punk, what do I know? :)

All of the things ;0)

Thanks! I'm finding it really difficult tbh, how to know what is authentically me and what is the result of all those years of the world telling me who I am. Queer theory says gender is performative but I didn't respond well to my training in the masculine stage show. Some people do, and are quite comfortable in that space, and more power to them, but finding another path is challenging when most of the people you care about are deeply uncomfortable with it and angrily try to push you off it and back on to the traditional one.

How do people in the country feel about punks?

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NehEma t1_j8s1no6 wrote

It is fucking difficult. You have to find out what makes you the happiest while dealing with losing a lot of your role models which tend to react disappointingly to all your endeavours.

First and foremost: the naysayers are wrong.

Do you have some supportive people around you? If you happen to need some, and are ok with that person being me, my DMs are open and you would be welcomed.

I've been so damn lucky to have had some supporting close friends who spent a whole lot of energy to cheer me up and reassure me. Now they're my dear family ♥

Some people have a very detailled plan about what will make them happy and what they'll need to do to get it. You don't seem to have that, I don't either, and tbh I think most people are in the same case... I just tried as much things as I could and kept what seemed to work best for me. I had some tries at being a guy, then a high femme phase, now I've stabilized a bit somewhere between butch and androgynous. It is ok to doubt yourself, admit than something was just a phase, and test weird stuff :)

People tend to react a bit weird to me because of my looks (tattoos, piercings, colorfull hair, etc) and because I'm a tad socially awkward but it's almost always a matter of first impressions rather than direct hostility. Often they're very confused about whether I'm a dude or a woman but it's been a constant during my whole life so I'm getting the hang of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

edit: 'Cause if it becomes too easy/ Friend, you'll start to lose your punch

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ihitrockswithammers t1_j8sxde6 wrote

I have a great friend who's also a trained make up artist, and her mum used to dress the stars in movies in the '70s, she's been amazing. My employer was always like the big brother I never had but he seems to be struggling with it now. I really appreciate that, thankyou.

Yeah it's all about community, we're lost on our own, most of us anyway.

I have an idea of what I want, not so much how to get there. I've been making sculptures for the last 20 years, that's been my lifeblood. I feel deeply connected to the things I make, which helps, but it's not enough in the long run. It's human connection and partnership I need to find.

I'm similar, in some ways I'm very masculine, others quite femme, though it's my feminine side that's the hardest to express. I've been having my beard lasered off cause it's such a huge barrier to feeling like myself. Still very heavy stubble around my mouth and I hate it, makes me look like the thug I am definitely not. And that in turn seems to influence the kind of potential partners I attract.

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