Firstly: we're glad to hear you're reaching out after such a series of difficult experiences, and that you've given yourself a pause on further recreational substance usage while you work through this.

What you're describing is rare, but not unheard of, and something one of us (Ally, writing) has seen in clinical settings with some frequency. People sometimes have such a traumatic time on psychedelics - either due to something that happened during the psychedelic experience itself, or a traumatic experience that it unearthed from their memory - that they develop demonstrate symptoms of PTSD. This includes sometimes a reliving of the trauma in flashback episodes. For other individuals, repeated psychotic episodes after a difficult psychedelic experience may be in part influenced by a genetic predisposition to schizophrenia or other related disorders; it could be that family history is a factor here.

Whatever the cause - and again, it could be a few things - there are folks out there who can help you unpack that in a compassionate, nonjudgmental way, who are also quite skeptical of mainstream behavioral healthcare. (That's why so many of us have shifted our focus into psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy, as we are acutely aware of how poorly the establishment has treated so many with mainstream psychiatry.) As difficult as it may be, a good first step would be seeking the right professional assistance on this to tease out a pattern behind the psychotic episodes. Working with someone with a clinical eye to establish what's triggering them - which is sometimes subtle and quite surprising! - can help understand their root cause, and help identify more customized strategies for how you minimize their intensity and reduce their frequency in the long term. If you're not quite up to finding someone to partner with on this, we'd advise starting a journaling practice to try to gather this information for yourself to see if you can pick apart a pattern, and if one of your friends has interest in supporting you in using a co-counseling or similar model.

Also adding: as someone who has operated in clinical environments for much of my career, it's often frustrating that we are pressured by regulatory to create a diagnosis to put on paper to justify insurance billing purposes, or for ease of communication with other providers in such a fast paced environment, when the nuances of an individual case really defy whatever is in the latest already-outdated DSM and can feel dehumanizing. In my experience, a lot of the therapists that specifically work with psychedelics are also skeptical of mainstream diagnostic labeling and mainstream psychiatry for some of the same reasons you are, so you might be best of seeking someone off the MAPS psychedelic integration list. There's some specific nuance to the experience of trauma while on psychedelics that a mainstream behavioral specialist who doesn't have that specialized education just won't get. It's such a uniquely hellacious experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Thanks for posting. What dose and how frequently were you tripping, may I ask?