I’m Online Therapist, Claudia Delgado, LCSW. I work with Women that are having an Affair - Emotional or Physical. AMA.

Submitted by Claudia-Delgado-LCSW t3_zg2xtb in IAmA

I'm a Licensed Therapist (LCSW) that specializes in working with women that have cheated or are currently cheating in their relationship and seek out help online. Help includes figuring out reasons Affair took place, how to move through indecisiveness, guilt or shame, figuring out what type of affair it was, working through if they want to attempt to save relationship or best way to end it, how to tell partner if they choose to, how not to repeat situation in future, processing grief and loss, how to build confidence in future decisions, ... and much more.

Lots of relationships unfortunately deal with infidelity. provide a non-judgmental space to work through pain, anxiety and the ripple effect that infidelity causes.

Disclaimer this post is for educational purposes only. This is not a substitute for therapy. I can provide general information.

EDIT: Hey everyone. I'm going to call it a day. I will check back in tomorrow. If you'd like to continue the conversation or are interested in working together, please contact me at www.AffairRecoveryCounseling.com

Here is my proof: https://imgur.com/a/vFbqVWW?s=sms

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redditor1101 t1_izet308 wrote

How often do they end up leaving?

Also how many just keep doing it again and again despite seeking your help?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izevxxw wrote

Hi Redditor1101. In my experience, it is about half of the time that women leave the relationship. This is because, often times, by the time the affair takes place, the relationship was already over for them. This is more common with emotional affairs that turn into physical ones. Again though, the other half do want to work to try to save the relationship.

There are women that do continue to cheat even while staying in relationship. Many times partner is aware and holding hope that woman will change.

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Other_Exercise t1_izestek wrote

Thanks for this.

  • What's something surprising about your role that most people probably wouldn't think of?
  • At times, do you think the affair relationship the woman is having is healthier than their 'legit' one?
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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izewrra wrote

Thank you for your question.

  1. Grief and Loss is a big part of the work I do.
  2. Although I never encourage cheating as a solution to a problem, in abusive situations, the affair relationship can be healthier.
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Other_Exercise t1_izeyzrc wrote

Thank you for your answer. Could I be cheeky (this is a British idiom) and ask you to expand your answers slightly?

  1. Do you mean, grief and loss meaning that the woman feels grief over her actions? Or loss in the sense that their main relationship isn't working out? I'm afraid I don't quite understand the answer.
  2. Do you ever tell the client: "leave partner X and get with affair partner Y?" I am of the belief that relationships during/following abusive ones may generally be better, but usually are not sustainable. However, I'm far from expert!
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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izf1u1m wrote

Absolutely. I would be happy to elaborate.

  1. for example, if a client wanted to work on the relationship after being unfaithful and their partner did not want to work on the relationship or both parties wanted to walk away from the relationship there is lots of grief and loss. Some of those things would include the loss of mutual friendships, the loss of connections with certain family members as family members take sides, the loss of their home if one has to move out, the loss of the ability to see their children regularly if they have children, the loss of having a consistent person in their life , the loss of confidence in decision making. These are just a few. If a person is able to work through the relationship because the other person is an agreement, there is still a loss of what the relationship once was. There is also morning of the loss of trust and respect that their partner had for them.

  2. In my practice, I do not tell my clients what to do. I do, however, deeply discuss many different ways one can view a situation to point out important things to consider.

It is true that many times an affair relationship is not one that will last or one that is the best for the client. I will also add that there are times where Affair Relationships do work out and last.

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HHS2019 t1_izev632 wrote

Would you say that most affairs start through an emotional connection or a physical, sexual attraction?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izexsgx wrote

Emotional affairs are more common when a woman seeks out to cheat vs a man. Emotional affairs often turn into physical ones but not always.

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SpokenTruuth t1_izs1mf6 wrote

I've always said men cheat for ego, women cheat for emo (emotional). How accurate is that!

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Affair-Recovery t1_izt4zu0 wrote

Hi Spoken Truth. There are many instances where women cheat and it is not emotional. There are also instances where men have emotional affairs. However, what you have said is more common.

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HHS2019 t1_izev4jc wrote

Do you believe that humans *should* be monogamous or that simply not in our DNA?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izex5bh wrote

Hi HHS2019. I have worked with people in which monogamy would not be something that would satisfy them long-term. On the same hand, I have worked with people that could not live outside of a monogamous situation.

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winston_everlast t1_izfcdr2 wrote

You mention “figure out what type of affair it was.” How many types of affairs are there and can you describe them a bit?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfeylm wrote

Hi Winston_everlast. Thank you for your question.

Exit Affair - Relationship is already over for person that is cheating and the act of cheating helps give a reason to leave.

One Night Stand Affair - a chance encounter in which most believe no one will ever find out believing no one will get hurt.

Revenge Affair - the other person cheated first and now they want to hurt them like they hurt.

Emotional Affair - when 2 people start off as friends with no intention to cheat. One usually has a “crush” on the other or is physically attracted. Communication becomes secretive and both begin to fantasize about the other without acting on it. Often times personal problems are discussed and flirting is taking place.

Digital Affair - Sexting, sending naked photos, phone sex. Many times no calls or conversations take place that are not focused on sexual acts.

Sexual Affair - Affair without romantic feelings where sexual encounters take place.

Serial Affair - Sexual Addiction

Distraction Affair - A physical affair when a person still loves partner and has affair because they can’t cope with a life event and want a distraction (death, new job, financial problems)

These are not all and I hope this helps

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HHS2019 t1_izev9dx wrote

How often when innocent flirting starts does your client know that it will proceed to an affair? Are any just friends with someone and something develops or changes or did both parties start off knowing what they wanted?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izeyvrq wrote

Most often, both parties are in denial anything could happen when innocent flirting starts. Majority of women I work with are monogamous and do not believe cheating is ever right. In situations that you described, one person usually has a “crush” on the other person. As they spend more time together the red flag is secrecy and sharing stories of personal problems.

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ZTwilight t1_izjd91j wrote

What I find intriguing about affairs is the point of view of the affair partner. The person who is willing to accept a partial relationship. Is that an issue of low self esteem? And The affairs that turn into legit relationships - how can the former AP feel confident that the person they are now in a relationship with isn’t going to cheat on them?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izkao8z wrote

Hi ZTwilight. There could be a variety of things going on for AP so I can’t give a blanket statement on reason to accept a partial relationship. I can say that self esteem can be one reason. Other times, when things start, they don’t actually believe they will be in an affair situation. After continual contact they begin to form feelings that they did not anticipate. This is the “playing with fire”. After they realize they are in love many times they will “settle for what they can get” because the thought of not being with the person they love is not something they want to confront. Again, this is one of many Scenarios and I hope this is helpful some.

As to the second part, it is often a very large issue that the AP will often struggle with for a long time. Some are not able to get over this part and eventually end relationship, others can move past it after years of living with uncertainties and some learn to accept that it may happen. It is very difficult.

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thenewman978 t1_izf8tys wrote

Would couple therapy fix most of the issues that lead to these situations or is it basically over once couples therapy happens?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfay3z wrote

Hi Thenewman978. Thank you for your question. Couples therapy can help several issues. I recommend working with a couples therapist whom is Gottman trained. I will add that both parties must be willing to work on relationship vs blaming and assuming only one person is the problem. Many couple seek out therapy during different parts of a relationship to help with difficult situations or to strengthen relationship.

Even though couples therapy can be beneficial, if one person does not want to be in relationship, it likely won’t help.

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blackeyedsusan25 t1_iznm5m7 wrote

Here's the thing - what if one partner has PTSD, for example. The other partner's contribution to relationship deterioration is a fraction of the PTSD's. "One person is the problem" can be true in cases of heavy-duty emotional conditions.

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Affair-Recovery t1_izt7036 wrote

If one person has trauma related problems it is recommended for that person to be working through them individually in therapy. As far as couples therapy, you are correct that one person may hold more challenging behaviors that affect the relationship however it doesn’t change that in order for couples therapy to work, both parties have to be willing to put in work and not blame each other. it is very challenging to have someone accountable and hold responsibility while not coming from a place of blame. This might include one person having to accommodate or bend more. In therapy it may be found that the person having to accommodate more may feel like it’s too much.

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naughtychick9999 t1_izft5zx wrote

Do you have any clients that are single women involved with married man? If so, do you any words of wisdom for them?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfvvyl wrote

Hi Naughtychick9999. I do have several clients whom are in this situation. I do not have a blanket statement as every situation can be very different but I can say that they too deserve support.

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izg3rmo wrote

I apologize. I do not know where my response went. Yes, I have several clients in this situation as well. I can’t give a blanket statement as all situations are different and I can say that they too need and deserve support.

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Traditional-Play-696 t1_izh1i2d wrote

I think we don’t get enough support. We are treated like pariahs.

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izh6bt0 wrote

It is true that there is very little support for both the person that had the affair and the affair partner. I too am not seen as favorable due to fact that these are the people I serve. This is evident by all the downvotes I keep getting. Bottom line is that everyone deserves support and help. Everyone hurts. And even though some will not be understanding of my work, I am here to help those that need it. Please know there is help available for this group of people.

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Traditional-Play-696 t1_izh85bb wrote

Thanks. Until I was in this situation I would not have known how crazy it was. There is lots of support of the couple but very little for the APs. It’s like people forget we are people too and immediately want to dismiss any of our experiences/feelings. I am training to become a therapist and am now interested in providing support for the “other woman”/“other man”.

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alchemist_lemi t1_izerzf6 wrote

how much do you charge per metting?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izetywo wrote

Hi Alchemist_lemi. Thank you for your question.

First meeting with me is free. This allows client and myself to see if we have a good connection in which client feels comfortable with my approach. It is very important for client to feel like they connect with me and feel comfortable ♥️. I lead first session, discuss my approach and client tells me some of reason they are seeking services. I then briefly discuss how I can help and then set up a second 10 minute follow up to see if client wants to schedule an appointment.

Sessions can be a one time session, as needed, weekly, every other week or monthly. Sessions cost $250 for 45-50 minutes after first free one.

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gerbalinmybutthole t1_izfetn3 wrote

Op, do you believe that cheating is a mistake or a choice?

Do you help women understand the difference between guilt, and remorse?

Do you believe affair fog is real?

Do you explain to these women that they made their husband a second choice or they became a backup plan by having the affair?

Do you tell women that the other betrayed spouse if there is one should be notified by her the wayward?

Do you believe that a man dealing with a cheating wife should offer consequences to their actions if they want to reconcile? Examples would be, removal of all social media, giving the husband full access to usernames and passwords and phone at any time, tracking apps or devices, keylogger programs, removing friends who were supportive of the affair, letting family members know of the affair to build a support system, postnuptial agreement, etc.

I tend to tell men to automatically file for divorce, as they can stop the divorce process at anytime if they choose to reconcile. I also tell men to ask for a hall pass in some instances for reconciliation.

What are your thoughts on this?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfij1q wrote

Thank you for your post.

I believe cheating can be both a choice and a mistake.

We definitely work both on remorse and guilt. This is very important in the healing process as they are very different.

I do believe affair fog is real and affair fog does not take away responsibility.

We definitely discuss the ripple affect of actions that include how loved one was hurt and betrayed.

I do often encourage disclosure of details to partner and that is up to each individual client. Not all situations are safe to do so.

We do work on disclosure to partner for those that want to take that step. I do discuss the importance to have full disclosure for those wanting to attempt to work on relationships.

I do work with clients in steps to rebuild trust with partner which do include being “open-books”. This is not a consequence and a way to attempt to show partner they are no longer keeping secrets. This would include access to things requiring passwords, email, phone, schedules, tracking app on phone and cutting all ties with affair partner and peers that encourage cheating.

It is a very delicate subject on whom to tell about the affair, especially family. If a couple wants to work on relationship, telling family or friends can be more harmful in the long run for many people.

I hope this information was helpful to you.

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gerbalinmybutthole t1_izfsmp2 wrote

Thank you, very insightful. If you did not you may want to post on supportforwaywards. As you may be able to pickup some clients from there. Most of them are working towards reconciliation. Your support may be beneficial to some. Keep up the great work.

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[deleted] t1_izhkvh0 wrote

[deleted]

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izhm41k wrote

Hi Afraid-Beautiful-886. Because I can only give general information, I cannot offer insight unfortunately. In your situation we would need to discuss things much further to help you find some answers. I wish you well.

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stereoroid t1_izerd89 wrote

How much "blame the man" do you hear from your patients? The man should be doing more, doesn't excite her any more, and so on? I also wonder how much money comes in to it - whether affairs are linked to hypergamy etc.

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izesmnb wrote

Hi Stereoroid. What is heard more often from women that cheat because of either lack of attention, affection or connection is that they have expressed needs to partner and they have felt brushed off, usually over a few years time. Most have asked for couples counseling multiple times and the other partner has not agreed.

I will add that many women do not blame the man or partner and there are many different reasons why infidelity can take place.

In my experience, rarely is cheating connected to money or status.

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IAmAModBot t1_izesul5 wrote

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DirtyLittleAnalyist t1_izfqugc wrote

Thanks for the information. A few more questions: What is treatment like for someone who would classify as having serial affairs? How is sex addiction treated differently in someone who has PTSD from sex abuse? In cases of serial affairs, is there a recovery from this lifestyle or is it more focused around coping with the addiction and making safer choices?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfvea5 wrote

Thank you for your post. For someone struggling with serial affairs it is often an addiction situation and I would recommend a sexual addiction therapist. I would also recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous for continual support. I unfortunately am not an addiction therapist so do not have more information to provide to you. I apologize for that. 😔

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Novel-Baseball3764 t1_izg0gdl wrote

Hi

Do you think affair therapists can minimise the relationship between the AP and unfaithful one? As in, sometime some people just meet and fall in love or have a better connection?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izg2dsm wrote

Hi Novel-Baseball3764. I can’t speak for other therapists and in my work, infidelity is not minimized. The pain of finding out someone cheated on you can be as deep as finding out a loved one died.

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KarpGrinder t1_izg3dk4 wrote

If a cheating spouse has become infected with an STD/STI, is there no obligation to inform their betrayed partner to the potential health risks they face if the cheater does not want to confess to the affair?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izg4jm6 wrote

Hi KarpGrinder. Thank you for your question. I have only encountered this a handful of times and in these cases we worked on telling partner. To my knowledge all partners were told.

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Artisismus t1_izga6u1 wrote

I saw in another post you say affairs can be a mistake. How do you define a series of bad choices as a mistake? Or better can you give an example of how an affair is a mistake and not a choice? Do you think limerance is real?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izgbn1j wrote

Thank you for your question. A mistake is something that is regrettable. Bad choices might not be something someone regrets. Bad choices could be something someone regrets. Either way does not make it justifiable.

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Ashleywave14 t1_izif1bn wrote

Couples sometimes struggle due to lack of sex. How they can meet each other needs, and prosper in their relationship?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izkbh20 wrote

Hi Ashleywave14. Thank you for your question. If lack of sex is the only problem then I would refer out to couples therapy with a certified Sexologist.

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Burneracct157 t1_izjwjyv wrote

Do you have any insight on how you would help a woman see if she wants to stay with her husband Vs being with the affair partner? How do you help a woman work through the guilt of choosing the affair partner when there are kids involved?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izk1bf7 wrote

Hi Burneracct157. That is a great question. Unfortunately, it’s not a simple one to answer as this takes some time to figure out with my clients in sessions. I can say that part of it is to figure out the reasons Affair started to begin with. Then it’s important to look at what a person is getting out of each relationship and what is missing. Also the outcomes of staying with one and leaving the other. Part of what is done in Therapy is we look each week to deeply discuss emotions that come up during specific interactions in order to come to better realization of what the meaning behind each relationship is. Once things are figured out, we come up with a plan on how to move forward to do it in the gentlest way possible as receiving information of this type can be very painful and traumatic to the other people involved as well as person having affair.

As far as the guilt, this too is a process that takes time as many people around will be judgmental and take sides. It’s a slow process and we work together to discuss guilt, shame, indecisiveness, grief and loss. What I would tell someone in this situation is that everyone deserves to find happiness and peace. Also, an affair does not erase all the good in you nor does it define you. Unfortunately, affairs with people having children happen all the time. Finding ways to end secrecy is an important step to starting the healing process for all parties involved.

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Burneracct157 t1_izl0xus wrote

You recommend fessing up rather than making it look like a relationship that developed organically after the fact? What if the relationship was never discovered by either spouse?

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Affair-Recovery t1_izt5mgb wrote

If the former relationship is over, the affair was never discovered, and person is still with AP … then the commitment to the previous partner is no longer active. In this situation disclosure might not help with any healing as former relationship has already dissolved.

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Usual-Tumbleweed9225 t1_j0eeuyh wrote

Do cheaters feel like they are cheating on their secret partner when they are talking or being with their marital partner?

If a women was never in love with their partner and had children, do they still see their marital spouse in their kids, is there resentment? Just wanted to know if this was ever brought up?

Thank you for making space for this convo.

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SuspiciousWeekend284 t1_izfg8ov wrote

Have you advertised on theotherwoman, legitafterafultery and Adultery sub groups?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfjnvw wrote

Hi SuspiciousWeekend284 👋

I have not. Would you mind crossposting this if you think this could be helpful?

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DangersBabygirl t1_izgscy8 wrote

Hi Claudia- as an OW who has fallen in love with a MM (2 years). We're crazy about each other. I'm def struggling. He has tried walking away many times and comes back within weeks. I've heard the experience described as gorilla glue by other psychologists.

He is miserable in his marriage, has been for years, but I get it- there are children that prevent him from leaving for a few more years.

In your experience, do these men walk away from their AP eventually, even though they have nowhere to turn to per se?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izh85la wrote

Hi DangersBabygirl. In my experience MM that have been in a long term affair do not often leave marriage. Children are a “reason” and it’s rarely ever the only reason they are not leaving. If they do, it’s usually years down the line and it’s not a clear break. They often become used to getting the affection from 2 women and continue to want that after they leave.

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Leeeshee t1_izhdhu5 wrote

Thank you for this comment. I needed to read it.

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DangersBabygirl t1_izhfpuo wrote

Thank you for the reply! Enlightening. In this instance, there is no affection from the other side. At all. It's a roommate scenario. Not sure if that changes anything.

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izk9442 wrote

Even in that scenario, which is actually very common, it usually doesn’t change outcome much in my professional experience. Usually there are many other reasons they are not leaving and often they will say things like “you deserve more/better” “if you choose to leave, I would understand” . These are often ways to manipulate someone to stay longer as they are attempting to show they care and give hope in order for things to continue as they are.

I’ve seen many situations where kids are in college, roommate situation is still the same and person doesn’t leave.

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iamfierce1111 t1_j1y0ql7 wrote

Why do you think they stay if they aren't happy? Too scared to leave and all the changes that would come?

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bgoug t1_izfyvn8 wrote

Do you ever feel an obligation to tell the spouse/partner of the woman cheating? This is yucky :(

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izg1pr7 wrote

Hi Bgoug. Thank you for your question. As a therapist I am able to remove my personal feelings from situation in order to best help my clients. This is how I am able to offer a nonjudgmental space and deeply discuss different views to help clients process ripple effects of actions. I can share that most of my clients are remorseful. Many are actively working on how to disclose the affair or fully disclose details. In some situations, it is not safe to disclose affair.

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bgoug t1_izg2lx2 wrote

I understand if you can’t answer this for confidentiality reasons! how many of your clients are in abusive situations where disclosing an affair would be dangerous vs. not?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izg3c5a wrote

I can’t disclose this information due to confidentiality and I can add that abuse is not the only reason it would not be safe to disclose affair. An example I can give is if partner is suicidal.

But there are many reasons. Sometimes it has to do with timing as well.

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bgoug t1_izg4hdp wrote

How many of those reasons do you believe to be morally justifiable?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izg52f0 wrote

All I can say is there are lots of gray in these situations as there are many different beliefs. This includes culture, religion and upbringing. An answer for one would not fit an answer for another.

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bgoug t1_izhmcpw wrote

I don’t believe culture, religion, or upbringing should ever be an excuse to betray the person you’ve committed yourself to and possibly made vows to. You’re doing good work, therapy is so important, but please remember that

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iamfierce1111 t1_j1y006v wrote

This is way too black and white. I think as a therapist she's better suited to determine that her personal beliefs have no place in how she treats her patients.

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