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UniversityofBath OP t1_j0gk35q wrote

Reply to comment by theternal_phoenix in Hi! I’m Dr Lucy Maddox from Bath University (UK). I’m a clinical psychologist researching compassionate care and things that can get in the way. I have a new book out called A Year To Change Your Mind, about how psychology can help with everyday life by UniversityofBath

This sounds tricky... And christmas is a time when we often find ourselves stuck in repeating patterns in relationships with people we have known for a long time. One thing that can sometimes help is thinking about what you can do differently to shift the dynamic slightly. Can you make a conscious effort to talk more about your own stuff and not wait to be asked? The results might be surprising!

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theternal_phoenix t1_j0h0spy wrote

Thank you for answering!

And again, you've mentioned something super intriguing: "repeating patterns in relationships with people we have known for a long time."

I have had friends who just won't let go of what happened or what I used to do/be several years ago. Hard to tell if it is out of spite or their inability to let go of the past or what else. Should one move on/get past such people? Is there hope to make them move past these repeating patterns?

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nancam9 t1_j0j4zq8 wrote

Not OP obviously but this thread is relevant to my journey. As a complete amateur, take this for what it's worth .

You can't change other people, ultimately. Your friends may be stuck on the past but you are not. You can change and you can point this out to your friends, but ultimately they decide for themselves what they want to believe and how they respond to you.

If they won't change and you have, then you have choices to make. You can continue as you have and put up with the frustration. You could cut them off completely if it's bad enough. Or you can set boundaries and enforce them. Ultimately that is your choice.

I've been through this with both sides of my family, my spouse and my kids. Been through the phase of demanding they change. It just doesn't work. No one likes to be told they are wrong.

So work on yourself. Be comfortable with yourself and your past. If you hurt them, apologize. Make amends. If they can't move on then maybe you should. But you can also leave the door open to reconciling in the future if they do change. If you do not act on your own, that's where the pattern repeats and you get stuck.

I kind of view it like my relationship with my therapist. They are not really my friend but they are friendly. They are there to give me advice from their experience and training. I accept their influence or I do not. We've had three therapists in the past decade, each was good for some things/areas, not so good for other things. Make progress in one area then move on. Do some self work as well.

It's a journey. It moves at different speeds. Sometimes slow, sometimes amazingly fast.

The good therapists have absolutely been worth their fees. They have helped me see things I could not on my own. I've done a lot on my own but with their guidance.

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theternal_phoenix t1_j0jbph9 wrote

Thank you for taking the time to respond with a thoughtful answer. Short vent follows.

I made a mistake by staying in my comfort zone and sticking with the two friends I had for a long time. I felt the direst consequently this year when at my lowest point, the very friends abandoned me, citing hurts from years, even decades past and haven't spoken in months.

You're right that it's a recipe for disappointment to expect others to change. Moreover, it gets progressively harder to make good friends in life - atleast that's been my experience - you're left with less time as you get into your 30s : you cant really rush closeness or real connection. With more and more people finding a partner or starting a family you eventually turn into a bit of an outcast...

I've benefitted from therapy as well - had to stop since I was moving countries, but perhaps it's time to restart it.

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nancam9 t1_j0jfgz3 wrote

Thanks for your response! I am glad you found my response useful. Its just my opinion based on my experience. Wishing you all the best!

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