Submitted by LordFarhaams t3_11pcw1k in Jokes

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is.

6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together."

The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?"

To which Peter replies, "Jesus Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"



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DerRaumdenker t1_jbxsxfb wrote

What do you call a priest who's also a lawyer?

Father in law


loosererun t1_jbx6ksq wrote

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

‟There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. ‟I am too young to die. I am only fifty five!”

‟Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. ‟No, according to our calculations, you are eighty two.”

‟How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter says, ‟We added up your time sheets.”


DidntWantSleepAnyway t1_jbxglya wrote

I’ve somehow never heard this one! Here I was, thinking I’d heard all the lawyer jokes in existence.


MagentaKevin t1_jby875k wrote

My personal favourite is:

A man is being interviewed at a police station. A man leans forward and says "I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present". The police officer, confused, replies "but you are the lawyer" and the lawyer says " where's my present?"


emzirek t1_jbxxre8 wrote

what do you call a million lawyers in hell?

a damn good start


Tempuran-San t1_jby9is9 wrote

I don't get it, could you please explain?


deepkick120 t1_jbyavza wrote

The lawyer’s getting paid for hours worked, but he’s recording way more hours on his timesheet than he actually worked. The lawyer’s seriously overcharging his clients - because the joke’s that lawyers suck


nartziss t1_jbx61n1 wrote

Oh number 345, I tell this one a lot too, it is good.


truebydefinition t1_jbxtihs wrote

nartziss: "345"

truebydefinition: "meh"

nartziss: "What's wrong with 345? 345 is hilarious."

truebydefinition: "Oh, I completely agree. The problem wasn't the joke, it was your delivery."


things_U_choose_2_b t1_jbxv6by wrote

Rimmer: Kryten, you're forgetting Space Corp Directive 1742.

Kryten: 1742? No member of the Corp should report for duty in a ginger toupee?


lasssilver t1_jbyysks wrote

Do you?.. do you tell it too? Or are you pretending you’ve heard it so often that you’ve labeled it 345. Which is assuming you have 344 other lawyer jokes off the top of your head.

whips out cigarette I don’t believe you.


Agnosticfrontbum t1_jbxxana wrote

I just bought a new book on herpetology called Snakes, Lawyers and Other Reptiles.


Antique_Direction255 t1_jbzx7mb wrote

Difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead skunk in the middle of the road? Skid marks in front of the skunk


uncontroversial_name t1_jc2oe0t wrote

My dad is a lawyer and I sometimes send him lawyer jokes. Unfortunately, after 40 years practicing law, he’s heard them all. Thank you for giving me one he hasn’t heard!!


peter_the_martian t1_jbxlith wrote

Lol. Didn’t know they kept track of time in Heaven! Good to know. I wonder if they validate parking.


Blockenstein t1_jbxnrie wrote

They keep track in a Jeremy Bearimy-sort of way. Time feels like it's passing for you, but it's not the same as time passing in the mortal plane.


mmikhailidi t1_jc74vjn wrote

I recall a phrase from some good book:

>"After five seconds of eternal agony...."


Glorx t1_jbxqoez wrote

Jesus Christ had twelve apostles. Saint Peter was not the brightest of the lot. If he had used his brain, he would have married the couple on the spot.


Anonymous_Bozo t1_jbynicq wrote

Actually as the first pope he would have known:

Matthew 22:30
For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.


Glorx t1_jbyzpgl wrote

He must have forgotten that since he went looking for a priest anyway.


posterholt t1_jc0wv1y wrote

The New Testament books were written between 70 and 300 years after Jesus was crucified and Peter was long dead. But who wants trivial details messing up the punchline of a good joke?


EggCouncilCreeps t1_jbxtrk7 wrote

It took Peter six weeks to find a priest?


pra_com001 t1_jbxatcs wrote

This joke will be reposted till eternity.


Redd1tored1tor t1_jbyk3h2 wrote

*A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.


CJLowder1997 t1_jbz98uv wrote

Actually, there is no marriage in Heaven


Kwaterk1978 t1_jbzb3qg wrote

Actually, there is no heaven.


CJLowder1997 t1_jbzdjx6 wrote

Yes, there is


ka-pow-pow t1_jbzoher wrote

Prove it


justheretospoiljokes t1_jc1592y wrote

You say that like some sort of gotcha. As though the people who profess their faith don’t know that, by definition, faith in something can’t be proven. It doesn’t make them look stupid; it just makes you look like an asshole.


Huge_Name1866 t1_jc11vml wrote

What do you call a lawyer who goes to heaven? Nonexistent being.


manualshifting t1_jbzuqyx wrote

I like this one! I think I'll tell it IRL at some point.

One small change that I would make, though. Right at the punch line, where Saint Peter says "Jesus Christ!" I think I'll change that to this.

Then Peter said, "Oh, for my sake! It took me six weeks to find a priest up in here. Do you know how long it will take to find a lawyer?"


RonMcVO t1_jbynakw wrote

Okay this is one of the best ones I've seen on this sub. Just ran into the other room to tell the wife. Good one.


EduArt_Paper t1_jbywed1 wrote

Haha, that's a great punchline! I guess divorce is not an option in Heaven after all.


Vch3forever t1_jc0n959 wrote

Thank you for being so sweet. This is adorable.


Comfortable-Treat681 t1_jc0ztt4 wrote

Haha, will have to remember this one. Haven't heard it before, good stuff.


WildBoy-72 t1_jc10ti6 wrote

He ain't findin no damn lawyer up there


Plastic_Ad_7733 t1_jc20m2q wrote

Well if peter wants to find a lawyer he should just pop down to hell.


kanna172014 t1_jbxnmd7 wrote

Why not just let them into Heaven and get them situated first?


ctesla01 t1_jbxsnce wrote

I hope like Dante and D&D, their are levels of hell, because I don't want them in my neighborhood..


kanna172014 t1_jbxubin wrote

I don't mean the lawyers, I mean the couple. They can wait at their new home just as easily as at the gates.


Shaabloips t1_jbymlik wrote

Why is Jesus trying to get married??


Adventurous_Ask_9098 t1_jc01m70 wrote

LordFarhams need to join them too, perhaps they can do a better job of teaching him English.


mr_spaceton_ t1_jbyecxo wrote

I honestly thought this was peter griffin at first


I_L0ve_M1necraft t1_jbxwwzh wrote

Lawyers go to Hell joke, haha, so funny and original.


ronniecalberta t1_jbxlkh2 wrote

Unlikely St. Peter would use the Lord’s name in vain. Ruins the joke.


MagentaKevin t1_jby8yy0 wrote

You're joking right? St Peter did everything right on earth, so much so that he was canonised and God repaid him by making him the only person in heaven to have a stressful, permanent, full-time job. I'd be cursing him every which way if I were him!!


fyrdude58 t1_jbykrkx wrote

You'd probably like "Job:A Comedy of Justice" by Heinlein.


[deleted] t1_jbx5uvg wrote



maggieufledu t1_jbx6119 wrote

The joke doesn’t say they were on their way to their wedding, though.


ben_db t1_jbx7gaz wrote

Or that they were in the same car, the groom's car could have struck the bride's.


monadyne t1_jbx90y6 wrote

>Now that I think of it, this probably didn’t even happen.

[spits out beverage] Pffft!! What, now?


MtPollux t1_jbx62ua wrote

The joke doesn't say they were on their way to get married, just that they hadn't had the chance to get married yet.


soylentbleu t1_jbxhknq wrote

😂 I know you've been down voted for this and my first thought was "it's a joke, wtf is this about?" but I read all the way through and genuinely LOLd.