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FlashpointJ24 t1_jdhm9ai wrote

>I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

--Henny Youngman


True_Tear_471 t1_jdjtt0i wrote

„Hey honey, I've had a wildlife-vehicle collision.“ – „What did you hit?“ – „Fish.“


KiloJools t1_jdjxlwm wrote

I did that on a floating bridge once but I didn't think to make this joke at the time! Dang it!


rascible t1_jdj0fi6 wrote

Thief: "Your money or your wife" Henry Youngman "I'm thinking it over..."


ChaseShiny t1_jdkvozs wrote

That's a rip on a Jack Benny classic: Benny's held up by a mugger, and has to decide between his money or his life


RaiseOutside8472 t1_jdmdigj wrote

i and the home invader had a fruitless 3 hours trying to find some money he could steal in my house. in the end send him home as i saw his failure was getting to him mentally.


Luked0g44O t1_jdjj959 wrote

“Honey, the carburetor is missing.” That’s right dear, they are all fuel-injected nowadays.”


Few_Ear_1346 t1_jdlkbvy wrote

2 twin sisters are given identical VW bugs for graduating from high school. They each drive to the mall the next day to show their friends their new car. One of them starts crying and yells to her sister, "OH my God, my engine has been stolen! ". To witch, her sister replies, "Don't worry, there's a spare in the trunk. ".


Sjonnie_Spain t1_jdkffjd wrote

Honey, I've got good news and I've got bad news..

Good news is the airbags work


nimvin t1_jdkt5e9 wrote

Good news is the airbags workED.



Sjonnie_Spain t1_je4m50v wrote

You a schoolteacher? Or just nothing better to do? Blame me for not using my native language? What is it?


nimvin t1_je4tovs wrote

No I was being a smartass. Sorry I hurt your feelings.

Edit:Also because once the airbags go off, they aren't going off again.


fairlyPertain t1_jdgsxs5 wrote

A husband and wife joke where the punchline is not infidelity?Blasphemous!


AdministrativeFox784 t1_jdgxyno wrote

Afterwards my wife had sex with the guy and the police officers joined in too! Can you believe it?!


rigabamboo t1_jdig3yf wrote

Then the wife removes her wig to reveal it was the bus driver the whole time.


Delicious_Throat_377 t1_jdilxq8 wrote

What a plot twist


Waitsfornoone t1_jdk7etr wrote

That wily Bus Driver always seems to show up when kinky sex is involved.


Me_is_irish t1_jdh464n wrote

Must of been the cop from Tennessee lol


Talik1978 t1_jdhorga wrote

They should send that woman to Ohio, so that she can show that state how to run a train.


Lazaruzo t1_jdi6o1t wrote

I wish I could give you an award 😂😂😂


EwoksMakeMeHard t1_jdhhzo9 wrote

The grammar in your comment is as good as the grammar in your username.


theplutosys t1_jdhqw6x wrote

ok grammar nazi, literally nobody cares


EwoksMakeMeHard t1_jdhs8lw wrote

Well I care, so you are incorrect when you say that "literally" no one cares.


kbauer14 t1_jdhts7n wrote

I also care. Grammar is important.


theplutosys t1_jdhv5s8 wrote

Metaphorical “literally”

Why the hell does it matter? The message is still conveyed either way


TheWiseOne1234 t1_jdhxuqb wrote

Well, some apparently don't care that you don't care, even though you do! How about that? :)


Luked0g44O t1_jdjiw3x wrote

I could care less, butt I won’t bother today.


theprofessa808 t1_jdhj6ht wrote

Instead it's a "my wife is bad at driving" joke ha ha ha


JukePlz t1_jdhmn5c wrote

there's no mentions of cars or driving tho. I think it's just a joke about marital violence, since "accident" is ambiguous

edit: Why the fuck am I getting downvoted? You people see CAR written there?


RanCestor t1_jdha54k wrote

It's a different category from the "3 people go to a bar" joke I think.


[deleted] t1_jdhse14 wrote

I once ran over a glass milk bottle and wrecked my tyres.

The silly fucker had it hidden under their coat.


ZaphodBeeblebrox2019 t1_jdhx88h wrote

Oddly enough a Cop and his Chief in my State, recently got into trouble for arresting a Woman for being Drunk in her own Home, after someone else crashed his Car into a Bush on her Property …

Steve Lehto covered it on his YouTube Channel:


Harsimaja t1_jdl6qui wrote

It could make sense very briefly if they arrived and saw a drunk lady by a car and assumed she’d been driving it. One would think this would be cleared up very quickly though…


ZaphodBeeblebrox2019 t1_jdlj7yk wrote

Nope …

They came back to first Breathalyze, then arrest her, and finally conduct a Warrentless Search!


Blackswordsman8899 t1_jdkbxhb wrote

Were they stupid? That’s private personal property. They can do damn near anything there.


ZaphodBeeblebrox2019 t1_jdkd7ic wrote

That’s what the Judge said …

As for the Cop, not to mention the Chief, they aren’t Officers anymore!


BaltimoreBadger23 t1_jdheuot wrote

Similar thing happens to my wife, and as much as she insisted the guy she hit was drunk, the police insisted that he's allowed to be inside the bar she drove through.


[deleted] t1_jdifknn wrote

I read this as my wife was a minor by accident... I need help


[deleted] t1_jdmk1l6 wrote

I just read it again an this time read it as my wife was a minor accident... I still need help


[deleted] t1_jdgtag7 wrote



yParticle t1_jdgtrl6 wrote

At home? In his living room? Land lines exist. Corded phones even.


firebolt_wt t1_jdhfwe0 wrote

They do exist, just no one under 50 has them


1TenDesigns t1_jdj2fxm wrote

My Dad is 80. He still has a landline, but last summer he told us kids to use his cell as the default now. I think he's getting rid of it this year.

My Mom is 78, and broke. She uses the landline because it's cheaper. My brother and I talked at Christmas about just putting her on one of our plans instead. Unlimited talk and text plus shared data for like 20 bux more a month. She pays 25ish for very limited minutes.


Kjata2 t1_jdh7to0 wrote

Sure, but those are the ones that need qualifiers. "Phone" defaults to smart phones these days, anything else is the unusual one.


gambled94 t1_jdhwho9 wrote

Hardly. Most people got rid of them because why pay for a land line when you pay for a cellphone.


Pause_Affectionate t1_jdihmch wrote

Because if you live in hurricane prone Florida and need to call 911 or family, cell service and WiFi goes down when the towers go down. Land lines go through.


Luked0g44O t1_jdjjun8 wrote

Only if the phone lines are buried below ground. If they’re above, they’re just as vulnerable as above ground power or other utility lines.


Pause_Affectionate t1_jdjok6b wrote

Yes, agreed. They're buried. Like our chances of ever having a normal governor...


Luked0g44O t1_jdpq3yv wrote

Ooofff. Good ol’ Ronnie DeathSentence. Better you than us. We had to survive eight years of Eagle Scout Scotty Walker, 2010-2018.


Pause_Affectionate t1_jdpqims wrote

"Better you than us"... WHAT? Look, I'm sorry you had Scott Walker. I don't wish Desantis on anyone. That's not the spirit or the answer.


Luked0g44O t1_jdpx7jk wrote

It was said in jest. Don’t be thin-skinned, like a typical MAGAt supporter.


Pause_Affectionate t1_jdq27rl wrote

I'm against Desantis. Don't point fingers at my reaction when they were your inconsiderate words. Now that's a "typical MAGAt" reaction.


wpapawally t1_jdsvyky wrote

Our phone provider changed to Voip lines instead of normal land lines. So lights go down, no phone service. Found this out and got rid of the "land line".


Luked0g44O t1_jdjjjrq wrote

I still have a land mine. I like them, and believe wholeheartedly in their effectiveness.


Fun-On-A-Bun-3k t1_jdjmous wrote

I got a car for my wife, best trade I've made all year


radoteux t1_jdhj6bf wrote

Minor accident driving through walls?


Sapphire580 t1_jdihheg wrote

Why say Coke? Why not say beer or something that would be illegal to do while driving.


Ath47 t1_jdj07gn wrote

That's what I was thinking. "Officer, this guy was texting while drinking a beer!" "Well, it's his living room, he can do whatever he wants."


Gil-Gandel OP t1_jdir7ay wrote

Well, juggling your phone and a can at the same time would be bad enough, yesno?


AcousticBob t1_jdhz325 wrote

Minor accident? Thought you were gonna say she ran over a teenager!


BlindUmpBob t1_jdjx041 wrote

I asked my wife how whe got the car in the living. She said she took a left at the kitchen.


SpiralSuitcase t1_jdhgonp wrote

Being on the phone and drinking a coke would be a lousy defense anyways...


Gil-Gandel OP t1_jdhmloi wrote

You haven't argued with many women lately, I guess.


SpiralSuitcase t1_jdhogm1 wrote

Your casual misogyny is not the point. The joke only works if at first her excuse seems reasonable, and then the punchline turns it around and MAKES it unreasonable. Otherwise there's no subversion and no joke.

Somebody else already commented it, but it works better if she tries to claim he was drunk. A drunk person could conceivably stumble in front of your car, and it wouldn't legally be your fault if you hit them. Then the punchline actually changes things.


Gil-Gandel OP t1_jdi81i9 wrote

Who hurt you?


SpiralSuitcase t1_jdi9sed wrote

You did. Or it might have been that amateur juggler outside of Jersey City. Deliberations continue.


Past_Love2715 t1_jdhxu88 wrote

My wife got a ticket for running into a policeman…in a traffic copter!


dxkds t1_jdi7u54 wrote

So am I mistaken or is everyone else wrong. The accident that she got in was with a homeless man. So in his defense he can do whatever he wants in his living room.


leyline t1_jdia7gs wrote

He didn't have to be homeless.

The humor is the expectation that the man would be at fault for the car accident because being on the phone AND drinking at the same time is very dangerous [while driving].

However expectations are subverted when it is revealed that the wife hit the man in his own living room. Actual living room, in a home. Therefore the man was not being dangerous, did not cause the accident, and above that it is wild that the woman drove through someone's house and hit them in their own living room.


SnakePlisken_Trash t1_jdinywy wrote

I had suspicions that my wife might be cheating. I work almost 50 miles away. So, one day I went home around lunch and parked down the street and walked to my house to see if I could catch her. Wouldn't you know it, there was another strange car in my driveway. As I got to the corner of property I snuck up and hid behind my boat. I could see it looked like she was making out with someone in my living room and to make sure they didn't see squatted down behind my boat transom. Looked like they were taking each other's clothes off..... OMG ! That's when my heart sank and I realized all my suspicions were true, there was gear oil directly under the prop on the concrete. That's why I've been losing power on those really long runs. and having trouble getting reverse. Time for all new seals let's hope she don't need a new lower unit.


bobcouldbeyouraunt t1_jdiwcs2 wrote

My wife was just in a minor accident. She knocked over a 12 year old.


EvitaPuppy t1_jdj8xys wrote

I believe his exact words were... 'This is my own private domicile and I will not be harrased....'


eatenbyalion t1_jdjy0lc wrote

He shouldn't have rear-ended her. Then again, he has no requirement to wear pants and sit normally in his living room.


RoLaAus t1_jdl8mca wrote

I just woke-up from the worse hangover in my life, I got totally wasted last night at the local bar. On a side note, whoever drove my truck home owes me a mailbox.


Drkindlycountryquack t1_jdo0wbv wrote

We have a landline so my wife can call her cell to find it and so we can get our share of spam calls.


Kooky-Meat506 t1_jdizqos wrote

Women I right fellas ?


peter_the_martian t1_jdhdd2c wrote

My schizophrenic husband got in a car accident trying to give himself road head. He hit a tree thinking he was a contortionist


yParticle t1_jdgttdp wrote

So which one of them was the minor? Or did you misspell miner?


BaltimoreBadger23 t1_jdhep6v wrote

My wife was in a miner accident, how she got the car down there in the first place, I'll never know!