Submitted by SexySwedishSpy t3_124ge31 in Jokes

... so they sent Johnny out onto the porch with an ice-cream sandwich. Not wanting the boy to finish too quickly, his mother came up with an idea to keep him distracted.

"While you're eating that," she said, "watch the neighborhood and tell us everything interesting that you see."

A few minutes in to their lovemaking, Johnny's parents heard him yell his first report: "The Hendersons got a new car!"

"That's great!" answered his mother. "Keep looking!"

More time passed, and Johnny shouted again: "The Smiths are planting flowers!"

"Good job!" responded his father. "Keep looking!"

Another minute went by, and Johnny called out for a third time: "Mister and Missus Johnson are having sex!"

Johnny's parents abruptly stopped in their own activity. After a moment of silence, his mother replied with "How do you know that they're having sex, Johnny?"

"Because Billy Johnson is eating an ice-cream sandwich on their porch!"



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Make_the_music_stop t1_jdzaixu wrote

A doctor is delivering Little Johnny. His head comes out and Johnny says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and Johnny shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the midwife over to have a look. Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The midwife says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and midwife decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The baby’s head pops out again. “Hey, you my dad?”

Father “Yes!”

Little Johnny, “Well come here” and a tiny arm squeezes out, and starts to punch the top of the father’s head nonstop while shouting “HOW…WOULD…YOU…LIKE…THIS…TO…HAPPEN…EVERY…NIGHT…OF…YOUR…LIFE”


O-U-T-C-A-S-T t1_jdzhqf0 wrote

My 2 inches couldn't have hit you.

I had been working night shift every day to better provide for you.


MrHappyHam t1_je1i7gc wrote

Dangerops! Prangent sex will it hurt baby top of its head?


RhinoBuckeye t1_je24t9u wrote

38 + 2 weeks preganenant?


palebluedotcitizen t1_je26161 wrote

Some interesting spellings in this thread.


MoffCH t1_je36owr wrote

Funny thing is babies don’t switch to head down until after 32 weeks.


Lil-Miss-Anthropy t1_je1vi5b wrote



ReasonableBug7649 t1_je3lhuj wrote

it's a joke you joyless camel


Lil-Miss-Anthropy t1_je3xrf0 wrote

A joke that I barely understood because I was scratching my head thinking no one could be so daft as to imply that a baby is getting punched in the head during intercourse. But thank you for the compliment. :P


cronsumtion t1_je43mt4 wrote

I could barely understand it cause I was wondering how anyone could be so daft as to imply a newborn baby could talk! Madness!


DreaminSeaweed t1_je3215w wrote

We did this joke in middle school, tapping the forehead of the listener with the index! Jokes that are an excuse to hit your friends, fun times


OyVeyWhyMeHelp666 t1_je10ymw wrote

I love these types of jokes. I can share them with my 96yo mom.


FancyAlligator t1_je2lny1 wrote

And she’ll probably say, “I remember when your great grandfather first told me this one!”


Philcycles84 t1_jdz77yj wrote

Haha, I like it.


tomatoaway t1_je1ad5v wrote

That's eerily word-for-word what a bot would say.


scientology-embracer t1_je1at2m wrote

Agreed. Comments like these may indicate bot like behavior. Though we are not bots. We are humans.


Catfrogdog2 t1_je1epp1 wrote



12altoids34 t1_je1y63m wrote

That is correct [insert appropriate personal pronoun] are 1000% [div by zero err. On err goto <start>] That is correct [insert appropriate personal pronoun] are 1000% [div by zero err. On err goto <start>]That is correct [insert appropriate...


TuxedoDogs9 t1_je4bios wrote

i would write a comment in some coding language to mimic a human comment but i don’t know how to code very well, can someone else do it


12altoids34 t1_je7ak04 wrote

Don't feel bad. As any programmer/coder could tell you my knowledge of programming is extremely outdated. I did the majority of my programming on an Apple 2 plus. I also took Fortran and cobol and got a C minus in each of them back in 1984/85


Whitealroker1 t1_je25sai wrote

What the guy says when he blows up the cop car with the grenade launcher in Robocop minus the haha.


Qalinx t1_jdzugbt wrote

Some guys rob a bank but all they could find were some yogurts. Feeling depressed that they have not found any money they eat all the yogurts and off they go. Next day, the boss comes back and ask the guard: mate, where do you keep the money in this bank ? The guard looks at him: we dont, this is a sperm bank.


uphill_iceskating_mf t1_je03y15 wrote

The real joke is always in the comments- not in this comment- but somewhere.


Puukkot t1_je069gp wrote

You mean the real joke is the comments we had along the way?


damien665 t1_je0t2xs wrote

The real joke is the people who commented along the way


blobblet t1_je0mawj wrote

How does the boss not even know what kind of bank he is the boss of?


UBKUBK t1_je12t8x wrote

A sperm bank is also a business so likely has money someplace.


Brave_anonymous1 t1_je18i98 wrote

Yes, they keep the money somewhere in a table drawer. But the robbers reasonably went for the most secured vaults. And there was only yogurt...


jman904 t1_je1hb58 wrote

You’d think they’d keep the sperm in there!


Kermut t1_je0via2 wrote

Lies, there’s always money in the banana stand


[deleted] t1_je1k995 wrote

okay! i think I am going to throw up! 🤮🤮🤮🤮


UBKUBK t1_je6knz0 wrote

Hopefully they aren't Jack-tose intolerant.


angelholme t1_jdzipok wrote

A Robin Williams joke that I will always find funny.


SidratFlush t1_je0xtn1 wrote

Tablets/TV/Computer with headphones. Even if they are on a time limit at least the adults can plan ahead.


eidoK1 t1_je1edfj wrote

The original joke was by Yakov Smirnoff. The original was better. He said when he growing up his family was so poor they only had one room in the house/apartment/whatever it was, so they had him look out a window.


FlounderOdd7234 t1_je190jx wrote

I had 1 laugh of the day. In constant pain, I got a second. This one by myself out loud. Thx. It makes the day a bit easier


NmlVerbraucher t1_je0kuaz wrote

I see you are also an enjoyer of Yakov Smirnoff.


SexySwedishSpy OP t1_je22sfb wrote

I actually didn't know that Yakov Smirnoff originated the joke! My husband told it to me last night, and he just described it as "an old joke that he'd heard."


Tulip-roots t1_je1yj5j wrote

This is such a stupid joke but it made me giggle LOL!!


TheSlayerOfJellies t1_je3tsnu wrote

It took me way too long to realise why my parents always took “Sunday naps” 😂


[deleted] t1_je1cxr4 wrote



Ornlu_Wolfjarl t1_je23cum wrote

Johnny's parents want to have sex, but don't want Johnny to be around or know about it. The implication is that Johnny is too young to know about sex. So they tell him to go eat an ice cream outside and give him a task to distract him, while they are having sex inside.

The joke is that despite the parents attempts at being stealthy, Johnny knows what sex is, and knows that him being outside and eating ice cream means his parents are having sex. But he still plays along with his parents' efforts for misdirection, and doesn't say it outright. Instead he tells them the neighbours are having sex, because their kid is doing exactly what he's doing.


Cindexxx t1_je1olg4 wrote

The kid is eating ice cream on the porch while the parents are screwing, and the kid figured out their trick. They're just yelling to each other because there's a window open or something.


oxvjisyj t1_je21ypb wrote

Wow, every night? Johnny's dad has some serious game.


yeetfeet353 t1_je2a73k wrote

Dear little Johnny,

There will soon be ghosts in your living room.


Eggslaws t1_je424ln wrote

Little Johnny’s parents never learnt their lesson from 3 days ago.


EduArt_Paper t1_je1aviq wrote

Looks like Billy Johnson is enjoying his own kind of "alone time" too!


ItachiUchihaItachi t1_je0m3i5 wrote

Don't get it


neko_mancy t1_je0p526 wrote

the whole time the kid knew his parents were having him do that so they could fuck in peace


KingNosmo t1_je17bqs wrote

Guess your kids never get ice cream, either.