I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

Submitted by mat_the_wad t3_yf20dv in Jokes

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman.

Fed up, she finally went to the doctor. The doctor said the problem wasn't physical, and said "I've been told hypnosis can help in these situations," so off she went to the hypnotist.

The hypnotist said, "no problem, we can fix this. All we have to do is come up with a command that will clearly tell your body what to do. Just make sure it's a word that people don't use in everyday conversation, or it could be trouble."

After some long thought, the young woman came up with the word "urinate." She figured the only time you hear that word is around medical professionals.

The hypnotist does his magic.

Later, when the young woman gets home, she runs to the toilet, eager to test the solution.

Nervously, she says "urinate," and it works right away.

Thrilled, she immediately sets up a date with a man she's had her eye on.

They meet up at a fancy restaurant for dinner and drinks. Things are going really well, and the young woman is really enjoying herself.

A few drinks in, both of them are pretty buzzed.

The young woman, dying to hear what her date is thinking asks, "be honest, what do you think of me?"

He says "Well, I think you're really smart, clever, and I love your laugh."

Leaning forward seductively, she whispers,"you haven't said anything about my appearance."

He replies "well, you're very pretty, but not like a supermodel, which I like. On a scale of one to ten…you're an eight."

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Comments

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Graphitetshirt t1_iu1hgwv wrote

<Proceeds to pee all over him>

Him:...... make that a 9

487

SkaldLouisCyphre t1_iu2ur4y wrote

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

>!I wouldn't pay $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.!<

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hux t1_iu3fi81 wrote

After the date, she gets so anxious about her bodily habits that she begins having trouble pooping.

The hypnotist was highly effective so she goes back to him, but she tells him what happened.

He says “That must be horrible. Think harder this time and we will figure out a word to end this constipation.”

She thinks to herself “I only ever hear people say the word deuce in reference to poop or cards and I don’t play cards”, so she selects that word.

She gets home, tries it out, and out comes a jet like she had never seen before.

She calls up her date and says “Let me make it up to you, let me come over and I’ll make you dinner tonight.”

He accepts and she goes to his house. Dinner turns out fantastic and they hit it off well. Things start getting a little hot and heavy so they start moving to the bedroom.

She says coyly, “So, how can I make this up to you?”

“Seduce me” he answers.

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Zallus79 t1_iu4xqxd wrote

… well better hope he’s into that kind of thing.

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CaptainDutchFN t1_iu1onux wrote

i expected ''you're inate''

is that a word?

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KnightofSpamelot t1_iu1pv7o wrote

Innate is a word, inate is not. Innate is an adjective meaning natural

So I don't think you could use "you're innate" but you could use "your innate" like "I love your innate ability to make people smile"

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brokkeli t1_iu18z3x wrote

Long bt worth it.

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championPinhole296 t1_iu1bo4x wrote

It is funny the punch line is something [LONG] his wife does nt use

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onairmastering t1_iu2ckrc wrote

Good thing it was you and not your 4 month old toddler or whatever. Good recycling.

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falselife47 t1_iu2dudx wrote

Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.

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phoneix35 t1_iu2xpl7 wrote

May be it fulfills his Golden Shower fantasy

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Capable_Stranger9885 t1_iu4gw06 wrote

Turns out the date is a diplomat, and when she asked him what his most meaningful achievement was, it was when the president sent him in a delegation to Timor-Leste to congratulate their independence from Indonesia and recommend to them they can apply to join ASEAN because you're a nation now.

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Plain_Bread t1_iu6ynp6 wrote

You can tell the woman is American because it took her and her family two decades of suffering through a debilitating condition to save up enough money for a single visit with a doctor.

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