A guy with no arms……. (Long)

Submitted by Objective_Resolve833 t3_z4569m in Jokes

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near town and thought to himself, I have always wanted to ring the bells in the monastery tower - if I don’t do it now, it will never happen.

So he walks up the path to the monastery and, using his head, ‘knock knock knock’, bangs on the door. A few moments later, a portly monk answers the door and asks how he may be of assistance. The man with no arms explains his plight and asks if there is any way that the monk can help.

The monk pauses, then looks at his watch, looks back at the man - focusing on his lack of arms - and says, ”well, I don’t know how you would do it, but it is almost time to ring the bells so I will give you a shot.”

The man is overwhelmed with joy and can’t stop thanking the monk as the monk leads him to the bell tower, slowly waddling across the yard and up the long spiral staircase to the bell tower. They reach the bell tower with just minutes to spare. The skeptical monk looks at his watch, and when the hour strikes twelves, he says , ‘ tis time to ring the bell, my son’.

Expecting the young man to grab the rope in his teeth in his attempt to ring the bell, the monk is stunned when instead the man leans forward and runs full speed into the bell. And ring the bell the young man did. When he made contact, the bell let out the most glorious ring - a sound so beautiful that the monk was brought to tears. And as the bell rang, it slowly swung backwards from the force of the impact before swinging back. But when it did swing back, it squarely struck the young man, sending him flying out the window and down to the sidewalk just outside of the monastery.

The chubby monk waddled down the stairs as fast as he could - which wasn’t very fast - and when he finally gets around to the side of the monastery where the man had fallen, a passing police officer had already arrived and covered the corpse with a blanket. When he saw the monk running up in a flustered state, he just assumed that the monk knew the victim, so he pulled back the blanket and said, ‘I am sorry to ask this brother, but do you know this man.’

The monk paused for a moment as he looked down at the newly deceased before he said, “Well, I don’t know his name, but his face sure does ring a bell.”

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Apprehensive_Foot139 t1_ixq0074 wrote

You know "a guy with no arms.... (long)" was a good enough joke as it is, honestly.

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GrevenQWhite t1_ixqhord wrote

Much better then "a guy with no arms....(short)" was going to be.

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amluchon t1_ixrchp5 wrote

Well, it doesn't matter whether it's short or long as long as his mum helps out

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AITAoholic t1_ixrr2si wrote

>Much better then "a guy with no legs....(short)" was going to >be.

FTFY.

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Ok_Quantity1489 t1_ixpcn4o wrote

So it turns out the poor fellow had a twin brother. The brother heard about his twins misfortune and decided to go ask if he could ring the bell in his brother's honor. The monks said yes and he was led up to the bell tower just before noon. 12 came and he gave the rope a mighty pull, the bell rang once, swung back and knocked him over the edge. The horrified monk ran downstairs to find the same constable covering up the body. The constable says " I don't know who this guy is, but he's a dead ringer for the guy whose face rang a bell."

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Green_Cartographer84 t1_ixpsgi8 wrote

So close. Cop asks monk if he knows this guy as well, monk says "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"

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Ok_Quantity1489 t1_ixspsmc wrote

I thought my way made more sense because the monk had met the guy and the cop hadn't. Would have made more sense in the OP also IMHO.

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beenthereonce24 t1_ixr2876 wrote

Thank you. I was disappointed to read the OP and only find half the joke.

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Cye_sonofAphrodite t1_ixqm7rh wrote

The man's identical twin shows up at the monastery a few weeks later, and takes the same job. The monk insists that he shouldn't run at the bell the same way, but he does, and meets the same tragic fate.

When the cops arrive, they're surprised to see an almost identical scene as the last time!

"So, do you know THIS one's name?" An officer asks.

"No," the monk replies, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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aclumsypotato t1_ixrq5ml wrote

i don’t get it?

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Cye_sonofAphrodite t1_ixs24h4 wrote

A "dead ringer" is an exact (dead) duplicate (ringer). Comes from horse racing. The guy's identical twin is a dead ringer for him because he 1) Looks exactly the same, and 2) Died while ringing a bell in his brother's stead.

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theplutosys t1_ixrqc18 wrote

would have been nice if you didnt steal it from another comment

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Cye_sonofAphrodite t1_ixs1p6z wrote

I didn't, I stole it from my dad. Didn't realize someone else had posted the same thing already, sorry!

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GuileMD t1_ixpm4gk wrote

Great joke! I could see Norm Macdonald telling this on Conan.

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v8grunt t1_ixpwlo2 wrote

It was Quasimodo when I told the joke!

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theplutosys t1_ixrqel3 wrote

?

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v8grunt t1_ixrsh4p wrote

Guy walking by Natradam Cathedral he looks up after hearing a strange voice shouting down at him.

Qausimodo beckons him up. The guy enters the cathedral and goes up the bell tower where Qausimodo is.

(Qausimodo was played by an old English actor who was hunchbacked and spoke with a speech impediment which when you tell the joke you imitate!)

Qausimodo asks if he wanted to hear the big bell?

Ok says the guy....

Qausimodo runs and hurls himself at the bell clings on to it and when it returns jump off waits for the bell to return and head butts it creating a tremendous clang!

"Again, again says Qausimodo. Ok says the guy.

Qausimodo repeats the above but obviously slightly groggy from the first attempt.

When he jump off he waits for the bell to return,runs and stumbles... And falls down the bell tower landing in a crumpled heap!

The guy runs down and when he gets there a small crowd have already gathered around..

Does anybody know who he is?

The guy holds his hand up and says...

"I don't know him but his face rings a bell"!

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MaraudingAvenger t1_ixs1cjb wrote

Notre Dame... Our Lady in French

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v8grunt t1_ixs1xzb wrote

Sorry. 😢 Didn't think I would have to explain a joke that was originally about the "Hunchback of Notre Dame"...

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anonymity11111 t1_ixtha2u wrote

The way I heard it, you get a second joke in there.

One day Quasimodo asks his boss for a vacation, and the boss says “no no, Quasimodo, you are too important — people come from all over the world to see you ring the bells. If you go on vacation, what will we do? No, the only way I can let you go is if you find someone who looks exactly like you, who can ring the bells while you’re gone. And where will we find anyone who looks like you?”

Well Quasimodo is depressed, and after work that night he goes out drinking in the Latin quarter, and suddenly he sees this guy who looks exactly like him! They could have been twins. So he rushes up to the guy and explains the situation, and begs him to stand in for him as a bell ringer. And the guy says sure, anything for a fellow hunchback. So they go back to Notre Dame, and Quasimodo says “okay, now I just have to show you how I ring the bells.” And they go up to the tower, where there’s this big bell, and Quasimodo says “now watch this.” And he takes one step back. And then two steps back. And then he runs…. jumps… BAM! Smashes his face right into the side of the bell. And it goes BONNNG! And he turns to his double and says “okay, now you try!” So the new guy says “well, all right.” And he takes one step back. And then two steps back. And then he takes a third step back, and he steps right off the edge of the tower and falllls allll the way down to the pavement below and is struck stone dead. Everyone in the street starts screaming, and a policeman comes running, and he sees the body. And he says “does anybody know who this is?” And a bystander says “no, his face doesn’t ring a bell…. [pause for laughter and/or groans] but actually, come to think of it, he’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo!”

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Embarrassed-Donkey42 t1_ixrs1j9 wrote

When my dad first told it the set-up was Quasimodo, who rings the bell with his face, looking for a replacement so he can take a vacation. He finally finds someone who looks exactly like him but they cant ring the bell by running face first into it. The replacement meets a similar fate as the main character in this joke and the Punchline was "His face doesn't ring a bell, but he sure is a dead ringer for Quasimodo"

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Gee_NS t1_ixq4ted wrote

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch? Doug. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox? Bill. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bush? Russel.

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1Gabadoo t1_ixqib4f wrote

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs waterskiing? Skip. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the front porch? Mat. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the desert? Sandy.

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Lightingcap t1_ixqmbaj wrote

What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art

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motsanciens t1_ixqw607 wrote

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs next to a building? Eileen.

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Glittering_Use5255 t1_ixrse1t wrote

What do you call two men with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Curt & Rod

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Mantonythe1st t1_ixt2e1g wrote

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who has glasses and ginger hair?

Names.

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smsgojets t1_ixsye2o wrote

His twin brother, also born with no arms, embarrassed by his brother's death, asked if he could avenge his brother's death. It was discussed and finally they said we must allow this. So, the boy took his head and pushed as hard as he could against the bell. Higher and higher it went until he lost his balance and let it go. The bell rang once and then on the return, smashed into the brother, knocking him from the bell tower down to the street below. As the town people gathered around the body, the town people were asking if they knew who he was. The priest came down and said, I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

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steevo t1_ixqq51i wrote

Joke number 3243

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leuk_he t1_ixr15h3 wrote

That is the joke about the man without no arms, but how did he knock on the door..

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New_Canoe t1_ixr672f wrote

I can see Norm McDonald telling this joke, but it’s 3 times longer.

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shaundisbuddyguy t1_ixpkq13 wrote

Oh god I love this. Old school clean jokes are the best.

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simplyelegant87 t1_ixqwuud wrote

This reminds me too much of that guy with two broken arms who needed help from his mother.

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bartbartholomew t1_ixr9kxx wrote

I first heard this joke in the 80s. We did it as a skit in Cub Scouts.

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kuso_32 t1_ixrbxhp wrote

Couldve saved us some time by saying Number 65

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babbchuck t1_ixrhmsb wrote

He’s actually a dead ringer for the monk.

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adviceKiwi t1_ixrkjwr wrote

Just like the guy I met in Turkey, I don't know his name, but his Fez rings a bell

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Eye_Wooden t1_ixq6c08 wrote

I only read the title and the last sentence and understood the joke

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Jade176 t1_ixq8ggr wrote

Pee Wee Herman told this joke but it started with a guy looking for a job and having to prove to the priest that he could answer the job ad.

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la_dava t1_ixqem8c wrote

I was reading this expecting to translate it to spanish (natal) and telling to my friends but I see that it will not be possible...

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CanderousOreo t1_ixqfamy wrote

So what kinds of sayings do you have in Spanish instead of "rings a bell" for something that's vaguely familiar?

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KG6S t1_ixqitmi wrote

His name was "Steve" said someone in the crowd. The next day another guy with no arms rang the bell and fell to his death. The policeman asked what this next guy's name was. "Steve" someone in the crowd said. "He's a dead ringer for the other guy."

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M3x0r4x t1_ixqpbew wrote

best joke GoTY

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Platinag t1_ixqrwej wrote

This joke is like an old onion, many layers to it but most of these are not edible

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DangerousLab1534 t1_ixr3vmp wrote

I thought this was going to be “no arms….. no legs, this is how he led a country.”

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wingsneon t1_ixr5xjh wrote

So sad I can't translate this joke to my language cus it's a pun (pt-br)

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DiarrheaPocket t1_ixr925d wrote

Bob Alpert tells this joke on his comedy album on Spotify. He adds the part 2 that someone commented below. I highly recommend that album. It's not your typical stand-up, it's more just joke after joke like this one.

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cgmacleo t1_ixr9t0l wrote

Any Freaks and Geeks fans in the comments?

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Careful_Secret_5835 t1_ixran9n wrote

I remember seeing Pee Wee Herman deliver this joke on Letterman.

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BigKevinm84 t1_ixrfm2w wrote

My late grandfather told this joke last year, as well as his memory would let him.

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Dreadfirelit t1_ixrfq5i wrote

This could be a beautiful poem

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RelationOk9653 t1_ixrjct5 wrote

Hilarious 😂 ..it does not work out for German , my native language

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delapaz t1_ixro9lw wrote

So bad, yet so good!

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mooms t1_ixrpisv wrote

Groan....😂

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Embarrassed-Donkey42 t1_ixrrdfe wrote

Very nice, I like the telling. When my dad first told it the set-up was Quasimodo, who rings the bell with his face, looking for a replacement so he can take a vacation. He finally finds someone who looks exactly like him but they cant ring the bell by running face first into it. The replacement meets a similar fate as your main character and the Punchline was "His face doesn't ring a bell, but he is a dead ringer for Quasimodo"

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Myke_Ekym t1_ixrw6zn wrote

I don't get the end lmao

My English is not that good

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tiJasaJ t1_ixs0kx8 wrote

The expression "ring a bell" means that it seems familiar. So normally, when I say "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell" that means I don't know him but he looks familiar.

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tobinatorrr t1_ixrzfeu wrote

Best joke I’ve seen here so far 😂

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Jolly_Report4 t1_ixrzhoj wrote

I thought punch line was “ have you got the time on you cock?”

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Ososoulo t1_ixs1jq9 wrote

I needed this hahah

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freeportme t1_ixs7j1z wrote

Quit your in control of your life!

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Firm_Ingenuity303 t1_ixsg5cd wrote

“Dead ringer” finds as it’s source an invention from a time when people widely feared being buried alive and many gadgets were offered to allay these fears. One such gizmo was a bell activated by the newly interred upon awakening in this predicament. Night watchmen were stationed in cemeteries listening for “dead ringers”.

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PMMEYOURPYTHONCODE t1_ixsm8ii wrote

On this sub when I read monk I expect a <insert karma joke here> punchline but this actually made me laugh

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justtobecontrary t1_ixsqxie wrote

The guy had a twin brother who lived in Scania and someone in the crowd saw the dead guy said "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for this guy I know in Scania."

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BioletVeauregarde33 t1_ixsy2dn wrote

The guy's twin brother applied for the same job.
The exact same stuff happened, except the monk's reply was:
"I never learned his name, but he was a dead ringer for his brother."

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WitchoftheWestgreen t1_ixt2p5y wrote

The name of the quadriplegic who likes to swim…. His name is Bob.

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Low_Elevator5312 t1_ixrthve wrote

I'm a pc baby and on behalf of amputees I find this offensive

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Guarantee-Wide t1_ixsv1ce wrote

This feels like one of those jokes that you came up with the punchline for before writing the joke. Like you desperately tried to make a story that made the punchline work because the punchline was too good to pass on.

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IntrepidOutcast t1_ixr6hkv wrote

Humour is different for everyone but for such a long set up and then the punchline being a play on words was disappointing. You could’ve edited this joke down to have the same effect. Take that joke to a stand up set and I’m sure it won’t have such high praise.

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BlueGillMan t1_ixqb43d wrote

Long? That’s not a long story. Your disclaimer is false.

Www.jakethesnake.com.

You’re welcome.

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palordrolap t1_ixqa1if wrote

A guy with no arms but the arms are long. Now that's a concept.

"So you're saying you have no arms."

"That's correct."

"But that they're both six feet long."

"No."

"Oh. Phew. I was confused for a second there."

"I have no arms that are eight feet long."

"What? But surely you could easily say you have no arms that are fifty feet long as well or any length. I sure have no arms that are fifty feet long, even though I have two arms of perfectly normal length. You just have no arms."

"Well, that's just it. The arms I don't have are exactly eight feet long."

"Oh, so they're missing, is that what you're saying?"

"No. Never had arms. It's just that the ones I've never had are exactly eight feet in length."

etc.

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