Stingy old lawyer

Submitted by Goatmanthealien t3_z7fex0 in Jokes

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

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Edit: Wow, This is the most upvoted post and thanks for the award!

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Comments

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young_fire t1_iy6enau wrote

clearly he wasn't very smart. Put one bag in the attic and one in the basement

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baconit4eva t1_iy790fp wrote

Put two bags in the attic with a slide to the basement. If he is going to heaven he gets the bags on the way up, if he is going to hell, a trip wire under the bed will send the bags to the basement he can pick up on the way down.

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MaryGoldflower t1_iy7iig9 wrote

ah, but if you want to make that work, you'd need to know if the speed that the deceased have when going to hell is lower than the terminal velocity of a bag of money.

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Even_Appointment_549 t1_iy7n9qa wrote

Found the scientist.

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Musaks t1_iy7syyf wrote

nah, a scientist wouldn't assume 2pillows of cash travel down a slide at constant terminal velocity

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MaryGoldflower t1_iy7vtcl wrote

I wen't with the assumption that hell would be deep down enough, and the speed slow enough, that the short period where it isn't at terminal velocity is negligible.

But I am indeed not a scientist.

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Musaks t1_iy7w9qa wrote

to be fair, trying to build the slide all the way down to hell directly, instead of just the basement, adds a whole nother lot of problems :P

And in that case, wouldn't it be better for the deceased to be FASTER, not slower? So they arrive before the money and no other hell-inhabitant steals it.

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Sorry, i just couldn't resist nitpicking even more. It's what will send me towards hell, i guess

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biofuelwins t1_iy8ejm4 wrote

I'm assuming that the spirit or soul of the deceased ascends or descends either straight up or straight down, depending on going to Heaven or Hell. The money pillows need to be within grabbing distance at the time the spirit is passing. The pillows can not be sent to the other realm, only brought.

#nitpickingfurther

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NoOnion16 t1_iy9y3z9 wrote

i can tell you have thought long and hard about this

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Civil_Knowledge7340 t1_iy6fqiu wrote

Wait, did this actually happen?

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young_fire t1_iy6hotl wrote

No, jokes are fictional

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Civil_Knowledge7340 t1_iy6i2tu wrote

But the money.. the money was real?

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Waitsfornoone t1_iy6k3oe wrote

Sure, if you believe Monopoly money can pay your way into heaven.

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wingedespeon t1_iy6ndgv wrote

The Ferengi have entered that chat.

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roydepoy t1_iy6zgrx wrote

1 bag of cash in the attic, 1 bag of cash in the basement. 475th law of commerce.

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davesy69 t1_iy8yypp wrote

Those big ears hear everything, especially when money gets mentioned.

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young_fire t1_iy6u87q wrote

It's a made up story, none of it happened

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Tom2Die t1_iy7g2jd wrote

I heard that in Frakes' voice just now.

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S2Charlie t1_iy8jfao wrote

I can check it, send me all the bills you have and I'll compare the serial numbers.

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PlacidPlatypus t1_iy8vas5 wrote

Money is real and exists in many places, if that's what you're asking.

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JPincho t1_iybssxw wrote

What do you mean? Never heard of Trump?

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TooShiftyForYou t1_iy6pwj8 wrote

A lawyer dies and wakes up in heaven.

He's greeted at the gates by St. Peter himself.

The lawyer says, "What happened? I'm in good health and wasn't in an accident. I'm too young to die. I'm only 50!"

St. Peter says, "Well by looking at our records you're 87. That's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "87! You're way off, how did you get that number?"

St. Peter says, "We added up your client billing time sheets."

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NinjatheClick t1_iy6uu70 wrote

God allowed the richest man on earth to bring two suitcases. He filled them with gold bars so he could take as much of his riches with him as he could.

At the pearly gates, St Peter looked in the suitcases.

"... why did you bring pavement?"

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destravous t1_iy6uk82 wrote

A banker friend of the deceased lawyer decides to try the trick for himself. He figures the problem was that fiat currency is banned in heaven.

He instructs his wife to sell everything he has and buy gold with it.

Eventually he dies, grabs the gold on his way up, and makes it into heaven. As he aproaches the pearly gates with his precious metal, St. Peter sees what he's carrying and turns around in excitement, shouting, "I finally found someone to fix the road for us!"

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SupersuMC t1_iy6zfh4 wrote

The version I heard went "Why did you bring pavement to heaven?" XD

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destravous t1_iy79dvw wrote

Gah, I knew there was a better way to tell it; I couldn't remember the original; thanks

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02firehawk t1_iy78oyf wrote

I heard a variation of this joke where the lawyer tell his best friend to put his money is his casket. After the funeral the priest asks his friend what he was putting in the lawyers pocket and the friend says it all the lawyers money. The priest says weren't u worried about carrying all that money around with u? The friend says nah. I deposited the money and wrote him a check. He can cash it when he gets where he's going.

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palparepa t1_iy8cms1 wrote

The version I've heard has the dead dude put in his will that his three sons must each put a million dollars in his casket, for them to inherit anything. The first two do as asked, the third one takes the cash and puts in a check for three million.

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Waitsfornoone t1_iy6kbt4 wrote

Better yet, just take the cash out as it can get moldy, and put in brand new shiny checks instead.

[... and Yes, I stole that from the other "can't take it with you" joke]

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karebear66 t1_iy69ud5 wrote

OMG. I actually laughed out loud.

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tsukilili t1_iy84had wrote

Reminds me of the classic:

"Devil kept tempting people out of Heaven and down to Hell. Finally, God had enough and told the Devil to stop. In response the Devil said ‘What are you going to do? Sue me? I’ve got all the lawyers!’"

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CornDoggerMcJones t1_iy7wua5 wrote

This comment section is why I love reddit.

Also what an oddly sweet wife that she validated his thought process after his passing.

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deagh t1_iy7d7hw wrote

The variant on this joke I heard was that he wanted his wife to put all his money in his coffin with him. She readily agreed that she would do this, and he was happy.

Later when she was asked if she really did it, she said "Of course! It's what he wanted and as his wife I always did as I was asked. But, you know, I'm old, and that much money was more than I could carry. So I wrote him a cheque."

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Seeker_00860 t1_iy8g2oz wrote

An old man died and his funeral was completed. A week later a salesman with the same name as the husband checked into a motel in Texas. He sent an email to his wife and somehow by some quirk of accident his email reached the widow (probably had the wife's name to be the same as that of the widow). The old widow opened her email and was shocked to see this email that read - "Honey, I reached here safely. It is really wonderful, excepting that it is a bit hotter. I cannot wait to see you with me"

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monkey_scandal t1_iy8e8fi wrote

A wealthy old man buys his dream car and falls fatally ill shortly after. On his deathbed, his dying wish is to be buried in it, hoping he could enjoy it in the afterlife since he had hardly any time with it on earth.

On the day of his funeral, his corpse was propped up in the driver's seat of the beautiful exotic sports car while a grave was being dug large enough to fit it.

While it was parked and waiting to be lowered, an unaware passersby looked over at the well-preserved corpse sitting proudly behind the wheel and thought to himself "Now that's living!"

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Grzechoooo t1_iy9b9kv wrote

The very idea of taking money with oneself to the afterlife came to him after he took part in the most peculiar of cases. His friend, also a rich man, entrusted a will to him and his two other friends. In it, he asked to be buried with all his money, three billion dollars. The funeral took place and the body was laid in the ground with three massive chests.

After the ceremony, the three lawyers went to the side. The first one had a confession to make - he took a quarter of the money for himself. "I couldn't let all this money go to waste!", he said with sorrow. "I took even more", the second one said, "I'm sure it will be more useful in my hands." But the third one looked disgusted. "How could you disrespect your friend?! It's appaling!", he shouted. "So what, you're saying you left all the money in there?", they asked, disbelief in their voice. "Of course I did, you frauds!"

"I wrote him a check for the entire billion!"

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autumnleaves4ever t1_iy8mbds wrote

There was a similar joke about how the husband asked the wife to promise to bury all his money with him when he died. So she wrote a check and placed it in the coffin with him. Lol.

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XxannoyingassxX t1_iy7nuz0 wrote

I dun get it?

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AnotherBanedAccount t1_iy7r6na wrote

Guy dies, thinks he's going to heaven, places the money in the attic so as he ascends to heaven he can on his way grab the money. When he fails to, his wife comments that if the money was placed in the basement, he might have succeeded as he was probably descending to hell.

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ROYALEZOMBIE11 t1_iy7qany wrote

Ohhh now I get it he went to hell that's soo XD

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happyclaim808 t1_iy7zwud wrote

There's just no need for lawyers in heaven.

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mrSunshine-_ t1_iy870k9 wrote

I was more expecting the wife run with the money, hell I mean why not?

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creative_disco t1_iy8w95q wrote

Even if he could take it with him, what good would it do in the afterlife?

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EmptyWish2138 t1_iy8xz19 wrote

There’s ALWAYS money in the banana stand

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Upbeat_Journalist796 t1_iy9rvlg wrote

Can someone explain?

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Goatmanthealien OP t1_iyahsvw wrote

Guy dies, thinks he's going to heaven, places the money in the attic so as he ascends to heaven he can on his way grab the money. When he fails to, his wife comments that if the money was placed in the basement, he might have succeeded as he was probably descending to hell.

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Actual-Situation4959 t1_iy9zke9 wrote

one can swallow a crumbled up bill or a coin if it's just to prove a point -since money isn't needed in either hell or heaven, which are made up anyho

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Ahivan64 t1_iyabdkk wrote

He should have invested in bitcoin and nfts, those are stored in the cloud

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Aeosin15 t1_iyanzaj wrote

Someone should have told him that, when you die, you're just dead. No going up or down, you're just dead.

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melvinsylar7 t1_iyc18hl wrote

That's why The Chinese have a fool proof plan, you burn money.

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