Submitted by boa_constrictor t3_zktvum in Jokes

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out,

- "Father, Father I'm cold!"

So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun.

- "Is that better Sister?" he asks.

- "Yes Father, much better," she replies.

So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with,

- "Father I'm still cold!"

So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well.

- "Is that better Sister?" he asks.

- "Oh yes Father, that's much better," she says.

So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of,

- "Father, Father I'm just so cold!"

The priest thinks long about this and finally says,

- "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"

The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative,

- "OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."

So the Father replies,

- "Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.



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TooShiftyForYou t1_j02eydw wrote

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead.

Now completely stranded the priest said, "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father," replied the nun. "In fact, I don't think we can last more than day or two out here."

"I agree," answered the priest. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you mind doing something for me?"

"Anything father." replied the nun.

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

The nun hesitated, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." She opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" he asked.

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

The nun asked, "Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"Well under the circumstances, I suppose that would be OK." the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he became quite aroused.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?" asked the nun.

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."


discerningpervert t1_j02pjfv wrote

I wanna know what happened next


Malvastor t1_j02r3qh wrote

The most uncomfortable miracle in the Catholic canon.


bentheechidna t1_j03t8lv wrote

This is how Catholics tell the story of the conception of Sleipnir.


CNDoctor t1_j035kl0 wrote

Kink shaming! Dude, come on it's 2022.


Malvastor t1_j03jcfs wrote

I'll have you know kink shaming is a real kink of mine.

Please keep scolding.


Mad_Moodin t1_j048jky wrote

That's fucked up dude.


Carnivorous_Mower t1_j04pq8u wrote

Camelid necrophiliac sodomy is kind of niche, so I can understand why some might be a bit reluctant to accept it.


Metroplex038 t1_j056ljb wrote

If your kink is necrophia and beastiality at the same time, I'm pretty sure most people are going to judge at least a little


jojo69bola t1_j042bp1 wrote

I think there is some way more uncomfortable shit in the bible


Malvastor t1_j04c1rd wrote

Honestly? I can't think of anything. The Bible doesn't shy away from frank descriptions of some nasty stuff, but I can't think of any instances of camel lovin'.


2Ben3510 t1_j04gr7r wrote

I'd say Loth's daughters getting him drunk and then raping him to get pregnant is arguably more uncomfortable than fucking a camel.


transformedxian t1_j059sxy wrote

I'll see your incest and raise you dismemberment of a corpse. Young Levite tosses his concubine out into the street where she gets gang raped and left to die, which she does the next morning. He cuts her body into 12 pieces and sends one piece to each of the tribes.


WordsMort47 t1_j05f0fn wrote

Why did he do that?


theXpanther t1_j05khdt wrote

Because he was angry. All the Israelites gathered and fought the benjamintes, and destroyed the city, and killed ask the women. They also promised never to let their daughters marry a benaminite.

However, then some smart people realized they actually needed all 12 tribes so that encouraged the remaining benaminites to kidnap some women to marry. This saved them from extinction but it the tribe always stayed small.


transformedxian t1_j072s3c wrote

The Levite and his concubine (could have been a lesser wife since polygamy was allowed and her father supported the relationship) were staying with an elderly man in Gibeah. The men of the town came to the house and demanded the old man give them his male guests (the Levite and his servant) to sexually abuse. He wouldn't but tossed out his virgin daughter and the concubine instead. The Levite sends parts of his concubine to the tribes to shake them up out of their moral lassitude. (But let's not ignore the fact he himself did this despicable, reprehensible thing himself in allowing a woman in his care to be abused like this.)


Malvastor t1_j06tk15 wrote

To send a visceral, grisly message about the Benjaminites' crime. He could say what they did in a letter, but that doesn't have the same impact without a visual aid. And since it was several thousand years before the first camera...


tvalone2 t1_j05i4aj wrote

Who the hell is Loth? Sloths brother?


Kraylonavich t1_j04bdc1 wrote

Uncomfortable, like the back of a Volkswagen ?


Malvastor t1_j06w3si wrote

Yes, assuming you've stuffed a dead camel back there and are now stuffing it.


conundrum4u2 t1_j02xh61 wrote

They don't call camels "ships of the desert" for nothing!


portuga1 t1_j03ce3e wrote

He fucked the dead camel, but alas… it didn’t come back to life. Then they lived happily ever after. The end


garbailian t1_j0418vm wrote

He banged that camel until his balls turned blue,then he backed off whacked off and banged the nun too.


tshwashere t1_j03w187 wrote

The teacher fainted.

Then she sat down and cried.


wstaeblein t1_j04i1vs wrote

Since it was the third day, the priest resuscitated the camel with his magic dick, so they could escape and go back to their boring lives.


IOORYZ t1_j04e91u wrote

Well, the story was told to someone, so they must have survived. I too wonder how...


endapr22 t1_j06hkzo wrote

The camel came out alone from the desert...


handpant t1_j052ddd wrote

Father became a Saint of fallen camels


Frequent-Jacket3117 t1_j04cv34 wrote

I thought the ending would be something like:

"But father its HUGE!!!!"

"Yeah, why do you think the camel died sister?!"


Nogarddog32 t1_j033268 wrote

Yes!!! I thought of this exact joke as well 😂


Arnorien16S t1_j04m119 wrote

The real joke is that the priest got taught about how consent works.


Awesum51Merc t1_j0602ow wrote

I'm confused......whose Cameltoe got Violated? The Nun or the Camel?


Waitsfornoone t1_j01u4dn wrote

Nice gender reversal on the 'train sleeping berth' joke. I like this one better.


kembervon t1_j02lyyl wrote

I was expecting a hogging the blankets joke.


bussin_boy t1_j01nh3t wrote

Happy cake day, wasn’t expecting the end. Nice one.


IamUltimatelyWin t1_j02qua7 wrote

I was expecting something like:

So the two of them climb into the bed together. The Priest snuggled against her and places his hand on her breast.

The nun shifts and groans. "Not tonight," she says, "I don't feel like it."

The priest rolled to his back, stymied and frustrated. "I see the problem," he muttered. "You're not cold. You're frigid."


Sardukar333 t1_j033pee wrote

There's another variation where the nun turns out to be a male draft dodger.


IamUltimatelyWin t1_j0340uj wrote

Corporal Klinger?


Darnoc777 t1_j039kdw wrote

Not many remember or are too young but that was a good follow.


IamUltimatelyWin t1_j03ac1j wrote

M*A*S*H is experiencing a resurgence I think. I watched reruns on TV with my dad in the 90s, and now my wife and I are watching it. I feel like I've been hearing people talk about it more and more lately.


bahgheera t1_j03ljwy wrote

Wow, I was watching the reruns at my grandparents house in the late 70's.


IamUltimatelyWin t1_j03ltts wrote

Bro, I think you were just watching it as it aired.

From Wikipedia: MAS*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital) is an American war comedy-drama television series that aired on CBS from September 17, 1972 to February 28, 1983


bahgheera t1_j04dbw5 wrote

Nah it was definitely in syndication when I was a kid, it came on like every afternoon.


FalseSpring t1_j01pgz3 wrote

Freezing cold, but they initially only took a couple blankets from (apparently) a pretty large stack of blankets? Seems a little unrealistic.


beyonddisbelief t1_j02rykg wrote

Maybe they started with 5 blankets and 2 pillows, and somehow each time they grab a blanket there’s more left.


AE_WILLIAMS t1_j04b1rc wrote

"Those aren't pillows, Father."

"That's not my leg, Sister."


KingNosmo t1_j049bs0 wrote

It was a loaves and fishes kind of thing.


MycologistLoud4030 t1_j01qmn2 wrote

She wasn't his type. If the nun had been a choirboy it would have been a different joke entirely


Howsurchinstrap t1_j058rf2 wrote

A priest and a Boy Scout troop and scout leader are on a flight. Pilot acknowledges plane is having trouble, pilot says “we are gonna have to bale”. He grabs the parachutes but the priest says “there is only 3 parachutes “. “What do we do with the Boy Scout troop “? Pilot turns and says “fuck’em”. Priest and scout leader says “do you think we have time”?


-ll_Y_ll- t1_j03dofq wrote

Wait, was the cabin dry and sandy or sweet and chocolatey?


px1618 t1_j0287qt wrote

I thought that the priest was going to use his secret "plant the seed and need for Speed" technique to keep the nun warm


Sfumatographer t1_j02pz72 wrote

That made laugh out loud. Read it to my wife and she got a good laugh out of it too!! Thanks!!


hockri_J t1_j03mzb0 wrote

How do you tell a good nun from a bad nun??? It's in the way they say "amen".


Full-Association-175 t1_j04qtvu wrote

A priest and a nun walk past Sears. The sign says "little boys pants, half off." The nun says, "that's great! I'll have to get some for my little nephew Johnny!" She looked around, but the priest was already headed in the door with a six pack, a box of Lucky charms, and a few buddies from up at the diocese office.


B_Devil78 t1_j055wj8 wrote

Priest told this joke a my wedding


alpha-mobi t1_j05golb wrote

I don’t control the weather Jackie


lvroye01 t1_j042ed0 wrote

That one got me!!!


BillyQz t1_j04dkc0 wrote

Nun "I want a divorce!"


GirlCowBev t1_j04pupz wrote

So much better without the epithet at the end. 🙄😒


Mr-Qulop t1_j06ti85 wrote

If you didn’t want to be a fat cow you could always workout. SkeeBall is a fantastic activity to engage your full body. By being a consistent SkeeBaller you’ll strengthen your core and improve your flexability. SkeeBall might even help you regain confidence and allow you to finally laugh at silly jokes that don’t involve you.


donzell2kx t1_j04rgrc wrote

🤣🤣 That one made me LOLZ!!


drvirgilmd t1_j054e57 wrote

How can you have a blizzard in the desert? Is that like a sandstorm?


Goiyon t1_j062436 wrote

So a desert doesn't need to be hot, only dry. An area is designated a desert when its annual precipitation is under a certain level. The largest desert on Earth? The Antarctic.


Annixon06 t1_j04askl wrote

Yo happy cake day


Superfrenziedbob t1_j04e5pw wrote

Hey at least she didn't have to see his corwadice of a penis


Ewetootwo t1_j04gh9u wrote

“Then shovel us out of here in the morning, that will warm ya up.


Moxie_58 t1_j04hhkd wrote

What does camel taste like? 🫢


Me-n-tal t1_j051cru wrote

Ha, because religious people


Equivalent-Ad-1927 t1_j056itp wrote

They should of done it. That would have been more interesting.


BEN684 t1_j05emnv wrote

Happy cakeday


whovianlogic t1_j04o9j7 wrote

hahaha i hate my wife hahaha. boomer shit.


Full-Association-175 t1_j04qdh3 wrote

The world says hard pass. I'm pretty sure it was the part where it was said a priest was a gentleman. But then I realized it was the part about a priest and a nun realistically being pictured together as married. Well, we know the movie Deliverance was a documentary, so this has that same kind of smell if you ask me.


Olap t1_j02er3s wrote

Doesn't the last line read: "The nun farted"