Expecting Washington but still hilarious

I'll have you know that I was not born screaming.

I was born with the umbilical wrapped around my neck and I wasn't breathing. Mom had to talk my dad through untangling me and breathing for me to get me started.

So, you know, suck on that or whatever.

So you were born in the state of panic?

Well, my dad was panicking, that's for sure. My sisters though Mom and Dad were torturing the cat in their bedroom.

Kentucky, if anyone was actually wondering.

Thanky much.

I was born chill AF. My father says I barely cried. Popped out and took a dump right away. He seems to think I was probably holding that and just happy to get it out.

JK of course I was screaming like a bitch.

State of duress…

Do you guys not have midwives and hospitals?

This was in 1984 in a very rural area. Hospital is a 30 minute drive, minimum. I was Mom's third kid and she ignored signs of impending birth for too long. So she was home, asleep, at 2 in the morning when her water broke. She woke up in a wet bed and thirty minutes later there was a baby. Happens more often than you'd think.

And so was Jefferson Davis, both grew up to be president at the same time.