So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

Submitted by ThomasKatt t3_zyq8fy in Jokes

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"

The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"

The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"

The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?

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QuickestOutshine t1_j27cj4g wrote

And that’s how Easter began.

198

reelfishybloke t1_j2896jw wrote

Nailed it

146

Obelix13 t1_j28m0bi wrote

I’m crossing out this thread.

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Mindless-Calendar-20 t1_j28obeg wrote

I’m just hanging around waiting

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IrishTerminator t1_j28jr31 wrote

When I was a kid I thought that Jesus really was everywhere because sitting in the back seat of my Dad's car and every few minutes my Dad would shout Jesus Christ don't do that or Jesus Christ ya flippen eejit lol

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jordantask t1_j29i0o5 wrote

“Jesus Christ?! Terrible driver that guy!”

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hazilyJilt t1_j27b3f8 wrote

Pope: ‟Well, we nailed him to a tree for suggesting how great it’d be if we were all a little bit nicer to each other for a change.”

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andywalker76 t1_j28ls1h wrote

Just killed the joke. You're supposed to leave the audience hanging.

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jordantask t1_j29imyf wrote

He would have, but we just can’t stand the suspension.

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PatKF t1_j28nsmu wrote

Because WWJD.

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andywalker76 t1_j28pkum wrote

Jesus Christ arrives at an Inn in Jerusalem. He hands to Inn keeper 4 nails and says "can you put me up for the night.........".

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Talon6230 t1_j2a8nur wrote

I will see you all after my excommunication xD

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Immortal-one t1_j2e7cfa wrote

Or at least suspended to a cross by nailing their hands and feet to it

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zhard01 t1_j2b8vpc wrote

Is that a Hitchhiker’s reference?

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unsiker t1_j27borm wrote

I thought he forgave us for that...

was not that the whole point?

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MattheqAC t1_j283a4z wrote

Yeah, but you can forgive someone and still enforce healthy boundaries

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Victorious85 t1_j28q8u6 wrote

Plz explain that to my mom

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babybiggfoot t1_j29alu5 wrote

Jesus himself can't do that

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jordantask t1_j29ia8v wrote

He tries, and tries. He just can’t.

Poor guy. He can walk on water and feed 10000 people with 2 loaves of bread and a couple fish, but making that guy’s mom listen? Beyond him.

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Victorious85 t1_j29lq76 wrote

As that guy... I gotta agree. Beyond jesus' capabilities.

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vartha t1_j281taj wrote

Weren't there even three hole points?

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Kylynara t1_j296b8i wrote

Three nails. But one went through both feet, so 4 holes (eight of you count entry and exit separately) and one more where they stabbed him in the side to speed up the process.

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LonelyDinner t1_j298qpt wrote

Not to speed up. To check if he was alive or not. To speed up the process, they would break your legs so you can't stand up and you asphyxiate faster. But they didn't break his legs because when they stabbed him in the side with a spear, they saw he was already dead.

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1TenDesigns t1_j29t3rv wrote

How does hanging from your hands cause you to asphyxiate?

Honest question btw. I've done lots of chin ups etc, don't recall breathing being difficult?

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Gil-Gandel t1_j29w7f8 wrote

Sure, but you could stop when you were tired. Now figure that you can't let go, you can't grip with your hands, your arm muscles aren't taking weight in any kind of helpful manner, but you're being forced to stay in that pose in a dead hang all day (and all tomorrow if that's what it takes).

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vartha t1_j2bqtzt wrote

I wonder if people in that situation would, if not offered any other choice, actually wish they had their legs broken.

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Gil-Gandel t1_j2d2qh3 wrote

It wouldn't be surprising. Knowing you're not coming down off that thing alive, I guess you'd reach the just-get-this-over-with point after a while.

On this occasion I don't know that it was with any particular merciful intention -- just to get the execution over with before sundown, as there was a Jewish holy day coming up (and the calendar changes at sunset, not midnight).

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vartha t1_j2dai1e wrote

That sounds like a plausible allegation. However, I was told, without being able to quote any sources, that breaking the victim's legs was in fact considered an act of mercy and relatives were happy to pay for that service.

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vartha t1_j2dbapv wrote

ChatGPT more or less confirms you.

It is not clear where the idea that the relatives of someone who was crucified would pay for their legs to be broken as an act of mercy comes from. Crucifixion was a form of execution that was used in ancient Rome and other cultures for punishment and as a deterrent. It involved affixing the condemned person to a wooden cross or stake using nails or ropes and leaving them to die. There is no historical record of the relatives of crucified individuals paying for their legs to be broken as a mercy.

Leg breaking was not a standard practice in the execution of crucified individuals. However, it is possible that in some cases, the executioners may have broken the legs of those who were being crucified in order to hasten their deaths. This was done by striking the legs with a blunt object, such as a club, which would cause the person to suffocate more quickly. This practice is mentioned in the New Testament of the Bible, in the account of the Crucifixion of Jesus.

It is important to note that crucified individuals would often suffer a great deal of pain and suffering before they died. The process of being crucified could take several days, and those who were crucified were often left exposed to the elements and vulnerable to attack by animals and insects. It was a brutal and inhumane form of punishment, and there is no evidence to suggest that the relatives of those who were crucified would pay for their legs to be broken as an act of mercy.

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myfirstacctwasbanned t1_j28rcrl wrote

No his father forgave us Jesus thinks we’re all dicks.

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davesy69 t1_j28ufuy wrote

Who ate his chocolates?

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jordantask t1_j29ihjw wrote

Pontius Pilate wiping chocolate off his face

Not me!

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jethvader t1_j2ay8i9 wrote

I think you mean washing chocolate off his hands…

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jordantask t1_j2az2il wrote

Pilate doesn’t use his hands for chocolate. He sticks his whole face in.

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techy098 t1_j29o0sv wrote

He forgave us but who know he may have also forsaken us...

But for sure, if I has JC, I would not fucking deal with piece of shite called humans who want to worship me but say anything they don't like and they fucking nail me to the pole.....fucking assholes, I am going to skip your town and take a round about always...

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Zammin t1_j2b3495 wrote

Just because you're not holding a grudge doesn't mean you're gonna be eager to come back for seconds.

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wanroww t1_j28m3st wrote

he didn't forget, he's not gonna dox us to the mean alien but he's never coming back!

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Neinball98411 t1_j29oh2l wrote

The aliens: Oh look is that Dave? This Pope guy must be important if he's standing next to Dave.

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Super-X2 t1_j28wte3 wrote

We gave him M&Ms, apparently he had trouble eating them.

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fkin_weirdo_ t1_j2924ip wrote

What a brand new piece of information in pheobe's voice

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Philcycles84 t1_j29drpf wrote

Phoebe as in, phoebe from friends?

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fkin_weirdo_ t1_j29egah wrote

Yess , you got that right .

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Philcycles84 t1_j29ersn wrote

Ah ok

Personal opinion.

She's awful. She's just, so impossibly unlikeable and narcissistic, I find myself muting the TV for like 90% of her scenes.

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eszther02 t1_j29kmwz wrote

That's a huge part of the show. You only hear like half the show then every time you watch.

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fkin_weirdo_ t1_j29saad wrote

Interesting, who is your favourite character?

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Philcycles84 t1_j2a4s6p wrote

Chandler and Monica. Not necessarily as a couple but as characters who go through hell.without ending up.as cliches ahem Rachel ahem

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fkin_weirdo_ t1_j2aj7cf wrote

Lmao ,good choice though ... Beware of dinosaurs in ur dream uk ...

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One_City4138 t1_j290aiq wrote

I had this idea that if Jesus were real (l mean, a guy named Josh probably existed at the time, but a few hundred years of telephone has a way of embellishing a few things before it was ever written down) he never came back because of all the people wearing the thing they killed him on around their necks, like wearing garlic to ward off vampires. Still makes me laugh.

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177_O13 t1_j2ayz1n wrote

Good ol #136

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GuntLman t1_j2b5c6e wrote

What is the procedure with re-posts? Down voted, up voted? Just curious for future reference.

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M2rsho t1_j2bdadq wrote

A few nails and a cross

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Cpleofcrazies2 t1_j28q0t0 wrote

Chocolate beats gold, frankincense and myrrh everytime

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Ministryofgoats t1_j2ai7oi wrote

Jesus Christ had a middle name but no-one knows what it was. They only know it began with H.

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TnBluesman t1_j2bkfm6 wrote

That's why I'm always saying "JE-sus what is the fucking 'H' for, CHRIST!"

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_Inv1ctus_ t1_j2bae0l wrote

i swear this was posted here like last week

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AngrySquid14 t1_j2bge4g wrote

I think there’s an smbc comic that’s similar to this

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photojeff8 t1_j2d0waq wrote

You done crossed the wrong guy.

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DABailey85 t1_j2b4kfj wrote

I don't get it. Looking for a punchline.

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