Dear Son

Submitted by harrygatto t3_10dg179 in Jokes

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

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910

Comments

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HavokD t1_j4l7gho wrote

PS: I wanted to send you a couple of twenties along with this letter but I had already sealed the envelope. Love, Ma.

338

ReplacementDry6844 t1_j4mhlap wrote

I don't get it

1

DiamondBurInTheRough t1_j4mhv3f wrote

How would she have written that part of the letter if the envelope were already sealed?

56

Dinosalsa t1_j4lvqh5 wrote

"Dear Ma,

If you are reading this, I might be dead. I just want to tell you that I love you, Pa and Sis so much. I am fighting for my life with all I got. I decided to drive to your new home to meet the new baby, because I too want to know if I'm an uncle or an aunt. But I've been delayed because I locked the car with the keys inside. I called the locksmith and the insurance guy, but both got really mad and stormed off just as they arrived. I haven't eaten in days, my last meal was a pack of biscuits I found in the glove compartment

Love,

Sonny"

292

National-Currency-75 t1_j4ntjcq wrote

Yeah man, my bass player locked his keys in his car and it took an hour to get unlocked so drummer could get out.

9

TonyJosephSr t1_j4paxxd wrote

I knew a blonde that locked her keys in the car, and it started to rain... She couldn't get in to put the top up

2

mbergman42 t1_j4o1ee4 wrote

Geez, sounded all West Virginia until you got to the biscuits part.

8

___HeyGFY___ t1_j4lz8mt wrote

I love seeing these old story-type jokes coming back. I remember this one from junior high, 40, 45 years ago.

43

TomMixsSuitcase t1_j4mf9kd wrote

I think the last time i saw this, it was mimeographed.

39

APariahsPariah t1_j4ofea8 wrote

First time I read this, it was in a book my father got as a kid.

They also left out the bit about 'Tuesday being so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.'

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Piscesdan t1_j4lxlyo wrote

i don't get the washing machine part

36

Gladukame t1_j4ly41d wrote

Toilet

61

murphanduncas t1_j4npkps wrote

Your aunt and uncle died of exposure when they took the convertible to the drive up movie to see "closed for the season"

28

alamohero t1_j4nli58 wrote

What’s with these style of jokes? First banned from the grocery store and now this one.

16

CooperDaChance t1_j4p540q wrote

I don’t get the whiskey vat one. Is it just because he was stuck in alcohol so he’d burn longer due to alcohol being flammable?

8

KookyWrangler t1_j4lkt7k wrote

Reading this made my brain feel scrambled.

5

clemclem3 t1_j4mom7v wrote

I like the one about the Uncle and the whiskey vat. You could end that one differently...

We tried to cremate him, and the funeral home exploded.

5

Brockleigh35 t1_j4mpwza wrote

I heard a variation of it:

Guy at a distillery fell in one of the vats and drowned. At the funeral, the widow kept wailing, “My poor husband, he never had a chance.”

Finally the foreman said, “Never had a chance? C’mon, lady. He got out three times to take a leak.”

25

Cause0 t1_j4n7j2d wrote

Most realistic Arkansas residents

5

Needorgreedy t1_j4o0t15 wrote

Damn she a little stupid but she got heart.

5

alex0166 t1_j4n6604 wrote

Is a stereotypical joke written twice? Is a stereotypical joke written twice?

4

Wholikesguava t1_j4mge6k wrote

I don‘t get it, can someone please explain? What’s the joke?

3

DiamondBurInTheRough t1_j4mi34h wrote

Every paragraph is an individual joke. Taking off the buttons but putting them in the pockets doesn’t change anything, the washing machine was a toilet, etc.

19

TonyJosephSr t1_j4pb7mx wrote

It loses a little when you gotta explain the punchlines...

0

DiamondBurInTheRough t1_j4py6bt wrote

It’s not really hard to understand the jokes, tbh. I was helping someone out but I think the majority of people reading this picked up on what was happening.

1

RafaelArgus t1_j4oldhq wrote

First heard this one when my Dublin cousins sent me this under the heading “Letter from a Kerryman’s mother”

2

Eickheister t1_j4pb2t1 wrote

Read this back in Alexandria. Man, i miss that hot librarian...

2

meskigski t1_j4pjj4q wrote

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the grandma one

2

jbaxter119 t1_j4m1q0z wrote

Really shoehorned in the Arkansas part.

1

sugarpooo t1_j4q1mcu wrote

I almost peed my pants laughing hard at this one! I just moved to the south & it hits close to my area!! LMAO

1

Jorma_88 t1_j4mup48 wrote

If her son is an aunt or uncle 🤔

−3

Dimas_Lusiano t1_j4lcu27 wrote

What ? Why i'm understand all Ma said?

Im I special too and gifted like Ma and Pa ?

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