This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

Submitted by Jackrwood t3_10o05d2 in Jokes

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

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SouthernZorro t1_j6dgldr wrote

A guy was very drunk at a bar when he puked all over his suit. He said, "Oh, no! My Wife will kill me when I get home!"

The guy next to him said, "You got 20 bucks? Let me tell you how to get off her bad side".

When the drunk got home, sure enough his wife was furious to see the puke on him. He said, "Hold on! This really drunk guy at the bar is who puked on me and he gave me this 20 bucks to get my suit cleaned!" With that he pulled out two 20 dollar bills.

She said, "But what's the other 20 for?"

He replied, "Well, next he shit my pants".

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eagleeyerattlesnake t1_j6eiqoj wrote

Why did the other guy ask if the first guy had $20? Shouldn't he have given the guy $20 instead?

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BlueEyedBlackOwl t1_j6eq4hg wrote

He wasn’t offering him a solution for $20, he was saying if drunk dude had $20 he could say it was given to him as an excuse.

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BioletVeauregarde33 t1_j6g507s wrote

Wouldn't it be $40?

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nIBLIB t1_j6g66ir wrote

Why would it be $40?

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BioletVeauregarde33 t1_j6g68pe wrote

Because 20 + 20 = 40.

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nIBLIB t1_j6ghd8k wrote

Drunk puked on himself. Guy said ‘you got $20 here’s the plan’. Drunk shit himself on the way home and improved the second $20. So the drunk had $40. But guy isn’t psychic. He just gave him the $20 plan and so that’s all he asked about.

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LASER_Dude_PEW t1_j6g863b wrote

Is this one of the "woosh" things?

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BioletVeauregarde33 t1_j6g8ds6 wrote

If he was asking the guy if he had $20 and not giving him any more money, where did the other $20 come from?

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LASER_Dude_PEW t1_j6g8vkb wrote

The other guy asked, "do you have $20?" and then told him what to do. So he used his own $20 (actually $40) to convince his wife that another dude puked on him (and also pooped in his pants). Maybe he swung by an ATM or something.

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BlueEyedBlackOwl t1_j6g95l1 wrote

It was originally $20 because it was just puke. But it can be ascertained the guy had a second 20 on him and when hit shit himself decided to use the same line.

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bigFatBigfoot t1_j6ekly3 wrote

Why would he give him his own money in real life?

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Kat_GotYourTongue t1_j6g7rw4 wrote

He was saying “hey dude if you have 20$ on you, just say someone else threw up on you & show her your 20$ saying it was given to you as an apology” not requesting 20$ for advice.

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5-MEO-D-M-T t1_j6gnsjf wrote

The guy puked on his own suit, the guy next to him was offering his advice on how to get out of trouble.

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Who-shat t1_j6h5x03 wrote

Clement Freud did a good dead pan rendition of this joke.

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NorvalMarley t1_j6grjpb wrote

I saw Funkhauser tell this joke on a documentary and I tell it all the time too!

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Yazer9977 t1_j6d51pf wrote

Can I be the one to post this tomorrow?

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wrenchbenderornot t1_j6dsgrh wrote

Just yell out “number 126!”

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Russc70 t1_j6f9y65 wrote

Nice repost without actually reposting!

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GACyberCool t1_j6fru6z wrote

Someone needs to compile all the jokes in this Reddit and put a number beside them for reference.

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TheNobleDez t1_j6c7eo5 wrote

Needed to read it twice to understand but this one was really good

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alwayshazthelinks t1_j6cxj09 wrote

Yes, it was a hugely complex and difficult situation to unwrap. Worse than Ulysses. Personally, I used CliffNotes.

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SnowyLocksmith t1_j6d07x9 wrote

I need a youtuber to make a 40-minute video, including the origin and history of jokes before I can understand

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boxingdude t1_j6dijcn wrote

Also, an in-depth explanation about how they went from being a homeless bum and dragged their way into the top-echelon of joke explainers.

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CentralFeeder t1_j6dh80n wrote

And make sure said you tuber uses the phrases “having said that”, “that being said”, without further ado” and the word “literally” 90,000 times because well, it’s the you tube way…

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Jackalope_Sasquatch t1_j6dquly wrote

The second sentence of which, before you've heard any content whatsoever, is "Don't forget to subscribe and click that Like button!!!!!!!"

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eidoK1 t1_j6czrzg wrote

It was funny, but I think I'd get rid of a clock that made noise every hour that was loud enough to wake you up.

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TellTaleTank t1_j6d7wq1 wrote

I took it as she'd wake up to him coming in the door and hear the clock.

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TransSlutUK t1_j6d027j wrote

You get used to it! But I did stop winding up the chime on mine eventually.

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Neolithique t1_j6d5ahc wrote

My in-laws have one, we spend two weeks at their house every year. It’s like having a newborn all over again… The clock is on the ground floor and our room is upstairs on the opposite side of the house.

It makes me want to die.

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murphanduncas t1_j6dbr5i wrote

The fart at the end got me. Nothin funnier than a fart.

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hibiscustoo t1_j6eccg5 wrote

You know what they say...It's not the first kiss that's important it's the first fart.

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karimamin t1_j6dxkiu wrote

I don't get this joke. Wouldn't the wife had woken up at 2AM when the Cuckoo clock cluked twice? Also 1AM when it does it once? Therefore, she'd have known he wasn't there at least 2 times before I tried this bafoonery

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2beatenup t1_j6e707i wrote

You don’t g out much do ya

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karimamin t1_j6fcx8u wrote

No, I just don't like bad jokes unlike yourself

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sudo_mksandwhich t1_j6e62ww wrote

She woke up to the sound of him coming in. And subsequently the cuckoo clock told her it was (just before) 3am when he got home.

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PawLoverXP t1_j6dzk3d wrote

and she did know. she’s making fun of the husband

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karimamin t1_j6fd33c wrote

I know that. The issue is that she knew because she got up because the clock went off. Every hour!

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YayGilly t1_j6eigqv wrote

I was thinking about this joke yesterday!! Thamks for sharing it..i couldnt remember the punchline..its adorable..

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vilidj_idjit t1_j6gnjxy wrote

What irresponsible company releases clocks that utter such foul language?

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Nickoru t1_j6drrww wrote

He: "Of course we get a new one, darling! Already on it"!

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Ogfrebu83 t1_j6f6q4k wrote

"Why a new one? The cuckoo just came back from his friends!" "Don't be silly, it also threw up all over the toilet..." "Don't tell me he brought his friends home while I was sleeping on the couch?" "Next time you hear or dream on a cuckoo's party, have some Pepto-bismol, please."

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nedlyest t1_j6fz99f wrote

What does the cow say?

God damn it, your home at 4am and drunk again!

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BansheeShriek t1_j6cteg2 wrote

Im sorry I don't get this one lmao

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Wundawuzi t1_j6cv26y wrote

In his drunk state he though he perfectly mimiced the cuckoo clock. So when she asked him when he came home he just lied and said 12. The wife then, in a funny way, explains to him that his mimicry was terrible and she absolutely knew.

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Initial_E t1_j6cw8ck wrote

It’s like the lambo driving scene in wolf of Wall Street.

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CuryInAHury t1_j6cxzpb wrote

I thought it was a Ferrari

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Initial_E t1_j6cy6ra wrote

Shit it’s either a countach or a testarossa but for the life of me I can’t remember. Was I high on qualludes?

Edit: I think the doors swing up, not out.

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Gtp4life t1_j6d7217 wrote

Specifically it’s a countach 25th anniversary edition. And yes they destroyed a real one for that scene.

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Jackalope_Sasquatch t1_j6drb8i wrote

>Shit it’s either a countach or a testarossa

That's a totally different scene when he's looking at her countach, though...

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2stoked t1_j6czibw wrote

Ferrari was the first scene in the movie, countach is where he takes the lemon and tries to get to the payphone at the country club to call Donnie

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Different-Result-859 t1_j6cv7k5 wrote

Guy tell his wife he will come home at 12, comes home at 3, imitates the cuckoos 9 times to trick the wife into thinking it was 12 midnight and goes to sleep.

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Lanky-Ad5726 t1_j6cx585 wrote

The clock makes a cuckoo noise to respresent what hour is it. He was supposed to be home at 12 o’clock. When he gets home the clock cuckoos 3 times meaning it’s 3am. If the wife heard this, she would know he was late. So, he imitates the cuckoo noise 9 more times to make it seem like it was 12 o’clock. Because 9+3=12

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Vast_Cricket t1_j6dt9b7 wrote

A realtor sending out solicitation service eMail by turning his PC clock backwards as he worked 2 AM in the morning looking for customers.

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[deleted] t1_j6d30o9 wrote

Is it a digital clock? I can’t tell time on those round one.

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Yogi_Kat t1_j6dc79a wrote

don't worry this one cuckooes the time for you

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brianray76 t1_j6dfbas wrote

For 1 you don't go out with the boys.cause if wife decides to go out with her always older single friends she will chea

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[deleted] t1_j6bxh45 wrote

[deleted]

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DragonscaleDiscoball t1_j6cpbaa wrote

What is wrong with you?

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lachjeff t1_j6d0g8g wrote

It’s a bot. Recognises certain words in a post and replies to it with a previous high-ranking comment. This sort of bot is extremely common on subs like this which are full of text-based reposts

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Zepp_BR t1_j6d6ct1 wrote

The situation on Reddit is kind of... Tense, huh?

Bots all around

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[deleted] t1_j6bxz28 wrote

[deleted]

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Jackrwood OP t1_j6byd49 wrote

I beg to differ. I’ve lived with one for 18 years and she screams in her jeans.

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eatenbyalion t1_j6d68kb wrote

A bit cruel to dish the dirt on your daughter like that.

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lachjeff t1_j6d0aoc wrote

This is clearly a bot that sees certain trigger words and responds to the post with a top comment from a previous time the post was made. Clearly, this bot took the comment from a time when the wife was the one who came home drunk, but didn’t differentiate between the genders

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Waitsfornoone t1_j6c50h5 wrote

Another Bot that needs to grow up a bit.

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Waitsfornoone t1_j6d87en wrote

?? This gets downvoted for pointing out that the above comment was made by a Bot? Is it that the Bots have now unionized, or that Redditors don't like their bots being dissed?

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