A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Submitted by etternalentity t3_1181e9i in Jokes

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home.

The man then, as his second wish, wishes for a horde of mongolians to come to poland to kill and pillage.

The genie, really not understanding this man at all, snaps his fingers, and then another horde comes, this time to the first town on polish land, kills and pillages, and then returns home.

The polish man, satisfied with his first two wishes, then says to the genie, "Genie, I wish for a horde of mongolians to come to poland to kill and pillage."

The genie, completely dumbstruck, complies. This time the horde reaches the first major city, kills and pillages, and then leaves to return home.

After this, the genie asks, why? why would you want a mongolian horde to come to your land three separate times to kill and pillage?

The pole responds, "If they came to poland three times, it means they went through russia 6."

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sdarkpaladin t1_j9ey9dm wrote

A man rubs a magic lamp, and a genie pops out.

"I'll give you 1 wish," said the Genie.

"What happened to giving three wishes?" Asked the man.

"Check your bank account and in your pants," said the genie "I've been doing this for a long time".

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DigNitty t1_j9fosqu wrote

Wow I have so much money!

(Checks pants)

More money!

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PoopIsAlwaysSunny t1_j9i5hjk wrote

My bank account is bigger but nothing’s changed in my pants. Where’s my second wish?

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theastallings t1_j9ifogn wrote

I don‘t get this one. At first I thought he was saying more money when he saw the improvement in his pants and the money that would bring. I just can’t make it work.

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penny_whistle t1_j9iovt3 wrote

Really? Size doesn’t matter I guess

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MagicMLee t1_j9lbp4q wrote

Happy glorious cake day!

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penny_whistle t1_j9lxjke wrote

Thanks very much! 11 years with an account, I’ve probably spent at least a full year of that on this website 😅

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gr8h8 t1_j9jjeun wrote

Imagine pockets literally filled with cash.

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Improv13 t1_j9ex1lw wrote

A man rubs a bottle and a genie appears…

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes.

Man: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. You have no more wishes left.

Man: But you said I had three.

Genie: Sue me.

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AlphaStargazer t1_j9hyb2o wrote

Oooooof

Took me a sec lol

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Nelpski t1_j9ihhcu wrote

How

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AlphaStargazer t1_j9l1v8b wrote

I was tired and when I'm tired my brain runs on Explorer

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Mantonythe1st t1_j9msb3g wrote

I love this phrase and I'm totally STEALING IT

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AlphaStargazer t1_j9myvaq wrote

Thanks lol. I legit only know how slow Explorer works bc of memes, so I just went with it hoping other people would understand 🤣

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lmaozedong89 t1_j9j5wl7 wrote

Ah yes, lawyers, the ones against trickery and lies

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Michael-T-B-1969 t1_j9i4tjo wrote

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

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bluesheepreasoning t1_j9ijg43 wrote

A line of 100 ugly people are in line, waiting for a genie who only grants 1 wish.

The first person comes up to the genie and wishes to be beautiful. The wish is granted, and the first person leaves.

The second person comes up, same wish, same deal. No problem.

By the time of the twentieth person to meet up with the genie, the last guy in line begins giggling to himself. Those in front of him pay him no attention.

Half the line has gotten past the genie, and the guy begins laughing. Those in front of him are peeved, but don't really care that much.

As the guy nears the genie, he begins wheezing and rolling on the floor. Annoyed but determined to make their wish, the last few people ahead of him step right up to the genie. "I wish to be beautiful."

When the last guy steps up, he is rolling on the ground. The genie asks him what he's laughing about, and he responds, "I wish they all became ugly again."

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theoneandonlyzo t1_j9j2t4r wrote

Is good joke. Everyone like. Good, long laugh.

There is a door on the Hephaestus. It is locked, and no one knows where they key is. It is only for emergencies. Only for when you are alone.

What constitutes “alone”? How do we know when we are alone? There is no one in this room. Eiffel and Minkowksi are both asleep. Hera is in the middle of debugging cycle. The closest waking mind is 8 light years away.

But... does that mean that I’m alone?

Why does no one want to be alone?

Why are we so afraid of being alone?

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TheWalkingMan42 t1_j9gqpce wrote

Ginie: you have three wishes

Man: I wish I had a thousand wishes

Ginie: you can't

Man: hmm... then I wish I could!

Ginie: 🤯

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Shadowlance23 t1_j9et1id wrote

That got a lol from me, good work!

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Fit_Onion_7473 t1_j9fl7fd wrote

Man rubs lamp,genie gives him wish Man asks for his penis to touch the ground Mans legs disappear

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darktowerseeker t1_j9iq4t6 wrote

One day a newly divorced woman finds a lamp in an antique shop and shines it to see what it is made of. To her a surprise a genie appears.

The genie is a tall and well muscled man who sneers at the woman.

"I know all and i see all. Your husband has left you for another woman because you weren't a good wife. I will grant you 3 wishes, but everything you get your ex-husband gets double of."

The woman nods and agrees to the terms.

"For my first wish I'd like $5 million."

The genie nods "and your ex-husband gets $10 million."

"For my second wish I would like a mansion on the best beach in California."

The genie shrugs. "It is done. And your ex gets two."

The woman thinks for a minute.

"Ok. I've got it! I wish to be pregnant with twins!"

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mipish1 t1_j9jbs1s wrote

I’ve always heard the last wish as: “I wish to be beaten half to death”.

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new-perspectives t1_j9jl7ir wrote

I've also heard "scare me half to death" and "I'd like to donate a kidney"

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MindSnapN t1_j9jpkxq wrote

I've also heard the guy wishing for a 10 inch dong. And hers is 10x the size

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clemclem3 t1_j9k7cyk wrote

The Russian version is I wish you would gouge out one of my eyes

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Waitsfornoone t1_j9hezzi wrote

You had me at polish - I thought the guy was going to polish the magic lamp and have wonderful things happen.

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[deleted] t1_j9hon10 wrote

[deleted]

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LegitimateHasReddit t1_j9izh6t wrote

And the genie beats the brother one quarter to death

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whyamihere999 t1_j9j0nmk wrote

Double of half is one.

Half of half is quarter.

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Azteh t1_j9k0cze wrote

Fine two beatings of half to death so a beating equal to 75% to death if done one right after the other.

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whyamihere999 t1_j9k4nvr wrote

Write that in a form of a mathematical equation.

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Azteh t1_j9ltu5n wrote

50+(50*50/100)=75

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whyamihere999 t1_j9m3z4g wrote

It's 50*2.

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Azteh t1_j9nv49b wrote

Let me explain the math to you. You start out with 100% health and get beaten to half that, thus you are now at 50% if you now get another beating that yet again takes half of that off, you start at 50% and end at 25% so the number is not two in the equation. Now if you take the two beating who took out a total of 50% and 25% of your health then you get to the number 75%

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MingusDeDingus t1_j9o386c wrote

Your math is not mathing….. double 1/2 (twin brother gets double of wishing brothers wish) is 1

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whyamihere999 t1_j9o4ql4 wrote

So let me clear it for you. I can clear it using maths as well but for the starters let me try it using words only.

Double of half is full. So if I'm getting beaten half to death, my twin would get beaten full to death!

I hope you understand now. If you still don't, let me use maths.

Consider health of both twins(T1 &T2) to be exact same at 100.

Let us assume that it takes 50 punches to get T1's health down to 50. (Considering 100 as full health and 0 as death, 50 has to be half to death)

Now, since T2 get twice of T1, T2 would recieve 100 punches which will bring his health to 0 and hence, death!

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whyamihere999 t1_j9o4y27 wrote

You are probably thinking about two half to death beatings. But that's not the essence of the joke.

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Azteh t1_j9oaaps wrote

I know but that is what I was arguing as my sentence states if one beating is right after the other indicating I was talking about two beating and not one full one

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whyamihere999 t1_j9oq8nt wrote

He doesn't say 'give me one beating of half to death'. If he had said that then his brother would have received double i.e. two beatings of half to death.

Since, he said 'beat me half to death'. Hence, its double would be full to death.

P.S.: we both must be fun at parties!!

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ulyssesfiuza t1_j9ijpby wrote

A Ukrainian and a Russian find a lamp at the battlefield at the same time, and rub it at the same time. The genie appears and grant one wish to each of them. The Russian rush to make a wish: "I want that every meter of Russian ground cover a giant reserve of petroleum, for my mother land dominate the world!" The Ukrainian ask to the genie: "do you will really do that?" "already done, trillions of billions of oil in the ground. " "Ok. So, lit it up!"

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PipBoy2011 t1_j9ixmly wrote

A black man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears.

The genie tells him he will grant him three wishes.

The black man says my first wish is be white, my second wish is to get plenty of ass, and my third wish is to always be hard.

The genie snaps his fingers and turns him into a toilet.

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Luked0g44O t1_j9gp494 wrote

What do you call a fart in a bottle?

A Polish Genie.

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Apr-s89 t1_j9gr1un wrote

I don't get it?

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0Escape t1_j9hp089 wrote

Mongolians come from East from china. They would have to cross through Russia killing and pillaging. After finishing Poland they would cross through Russia a second time going home. So if they came to Poland three times, they crossed through Russia six times.

So he basically saying I wouldn't mind hurting my own country if I hurt Russia twice as much.

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Arcane_Pozhar t1_j9ij0qd wrote

What does that have to do with farts?

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Worthless_Clockwork t1_j9j4qd1 wrote

So, the Poles hate the Russians, Poland is east of Russia, and Mongolia is west of Russia.

For a Mongolian horde to raid Poland, it would have to head west, through Russia, raiding all the way. For the horde to return home, it would have to head east, back through Russia, raiding all the way. Hordes after all have to pillage and raid during their travels to support themselves.

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Arcane_Pozhar t1_j9jhcah wrote

Okay, apparently this is some sort of meta joke, but it's not helpful and not funny...

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[deleted] t1_j9hryj2 wrote

[removed]

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youwantmetofixthat t1_j9htuip wrote

True today, but lets see if Belarus is still a sovereign country in a couple of years!

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Avversariocasuale t1_j9hzg8n wrote

I'm dumb. Someone explain ?

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AlmostChristmasNow t1_j9i3lui wrote

The Mongolians went through Russia six times because they start in Mongolia, go through Russia to get through Poland, then return through Russia to Mongolia. So every time they come to Poland, they go through Russia twice, and they come three times. 2•3=6. The Polish man hates Russia enough that he’s fine with his country being damaged as long as Russia is attacked twice as much.

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Snow_Wonder t1_j9iqfr8 wrote

So, the Poles hate the Russians, Poland is east of Russia, and Mongolia is west of Russia.

For a Mongolian horde to raid Poland, it would have to head west, through Russia, raiding all the way. For the horde to return home, it would have to head east, back through Russia, raiding all the way. Hordes after all have to pillage and raid during their travels to support themselves.

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Fearchar t1_j9j0wsc wrote

See Hefty-Purchase's comment. You mixed up "east" and "west" in your first sentence.

However, if you travel far enough east from Russia, you'll hit Poland, and Mongolia is west of some parts of Russia!

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technomancing_monkey t1_j9j7z4x wrote

the russian wished that no matter where you were in russia, there was oil underground.

the ukrainian just turned all that oil into a giant bomb by asking the genie to set it on fire.

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Hamizanin t1_j9g0wyb wrote

😂😂😂😂😂

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sintakks t1_j9gxxba wrote

They blame Ukraine for all the trouble they've had in history so why wouldn't they Poland too. BTW, they do blame you too. I have a friend from Russia. I made the mistake of mentioning Poland some years back. Oh, I forgot this was the joke subreddit. So sorry.

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