Submitted by bigwolf29 t3_11chvhi in Jokes

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. The General is 76 inches tall, so he gets $760,000.

Then an Admiral takes up the offer and has the doctor measure from the bottom of his left foot all the way up and around the top of his head to the bottom of his right foot. This ends up being 136 inches, so he gets $1,360,000.

Then a Marine General takes the offer and he asks the doctor to measure from the tip of his penis to his balls. The doctor asks him, "Are you sure? I can measure anywhere else..." But the General insists, so the doctor tells him to drop 'em.

But after the General drops 'em, the doctor says, "Wait, where are your balls?" The General replies, "Oh, they're somewhere in Vietnam."



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Erock482 t1_ja4auqb wrote

From the Pentagon to Vietnam is about 8,758 miles

Which is 554,906,880 inches

Which would be $5,549,068,800,000

Which would put our Marine in 3rd place in terms of countries GDP, ahead of Japan and Behind China


Human_Information166 t1_ja50tyx wrote



Roku-Hanmar t1_ja52131 wrote



largiuss_dickuiss t1_ja5cybj wrote



LoopDeDoopLaLoop t1_ja5edsf wrote



SMM9673 t1_ja5xq5y wrote



... it was this or r/itcaughtoninamath


Maxils t1_ja6ifkw wrote

it cosined in a flash


SMM9673 t1_ja6ij24 wrote




Maxils t1_ja6ipp6 wrote

it is, r/itcosinedinaflash


SMM9673 t1_ja6itb4 wrote

Oh, thank God

It wasn't showing up on my end


Nick85er t1_ja5bv9m wrote

Didnt specify the county in Virginia, or the province in Viet Nam. Sooooooooo Im gonna raise your estimate by $1.00 and totes win.


Erock482 t1_ja5ctwa wrote

Pentagon is a specific place, but I’ll give you the specific location in Vietnam.

Best I can do is $0.50


Usof1985 t1_ja5onvy wrote

The Pentagon covers 34 acres. I'm going to say $1.25


Lazerius t1_ja6c10d wrote

The center point is an easy thing to figure out using GIS software.


Nielsly t1_ja8u3rh wrote

But they are unlikely to be at the center point of the pentagon


Onifon t1_ja6ejvw wrote

They would have to go to Vietnam, find his balls, bring them back to verify, and then measure the distance. It really would only be a few rooms over or the next lab over. That is if the balls were still in tact enough to verify. Otherwise it’s dick to lack of balls which would make the monetary sum undefined and would not be payable. Knowing the government and how they treat some of our vets, they would just claim that the exact location of his balls cannot be confirmed and deny his compensation all together. The marine thought he was being smart but he just screwed himself.


lallepot t1_ja79h69 wrote

In that case you’ll need to enter 0 in distance


Onifon t1_ja7lb7z wrote

When they held his balls in a jar up next to his dick, he knew he messed up.


FillThisEmptyCup t1_ja51pxr wrote

Except it’s not on their body no more.


mojomcm t1_ja5xip4 wrote

Which is exactly the reason the government gave to avoid paying this massive amount of money


thenewcomputer t1_ja6j5od wrote

I would give up my balls for 5 trillion dollars. wow, I'm such a whore, I just learned my price


Illusi t1_ja7lfks wrote

An overestimate though. That is about the distance following the Earth's surface. But in 3D the distance is smaller.

The 3D distance, piercing through the Earth, is actually about 6973 miles, or 417,876,814 inches.

This is obtained by taking the geo-coordinates of the Pentagon (38.87091,-77.05588) and around the middle of Vietnam (17.5938,106.4014). Take those angles into the trigonometric functions gives us 3D coordinates around the unit sphere for the Pentagon (0.174398369,−0.758777835,0.62756785) and Vietnam (−0.269156822,0.914433935,0.302266744). With Pythagoras, the distance between those is 1,761306232. Multiply this by the mean radius of the Earth (3958.8 miles) for an approximation of the 3D distance: 6973 miles.

417,876,814 inches would give this general $4,178,768,140,000. That's in 4th place in terms of nominal GDP, between Japan and Germany.


KylarSternn t1_ja78kcb wrote

It would be significantly cheaper to launch an expedition to exhume his balls, develop the tech to revitalize them, and then reattach them.


mrSunshine-_ t1_ja3xe0h wrote

What kind of injury means leaving your balls in Vietnam. So sad.


bigwolf29 OP t1_ja3xoji wrote

During the Vietnam War, many soldiers got infections in their testicles, often leading to amputation.

Source: MCRDSD museum.


TheRealVillain666 t1_ja4rix1 wrote

So you are telling me there's a scrotum museum?


bigwolf29 OP t1_ja4run2 wrote

As funny as that would be, no.

It's a museum that has exhibits on the USMC and the wars they fought in, such a Vietnam, Korea, and Iraq.


MisterDecember t1_ja5p3lf wrote

For the non Americans, USMC stands for Uncoupled Scrotum Missing in Combat.

MCRDSD is the Museum of Chopped, Removed and Detached Scrotum on Display. It’s a great museum. Wonderful exhibits but everything smells of formaldehyde.


SomewaysAlltimes t1_ja5rj2h wrote

This is a cruel comment.


AltJerrawa t1_ja4u16c wrote

There is a phallic museum


legritadduhu t1_ja52tai wrote

>The rising popularity of the museum and size of the exhibit

I see what they did here.


iox007 t1_ja59roc wrote

im disappointed it's not called


seanbrockest t1_ja5k6z6 wrote

I'm disappointed that there IS a and it's completely wasted.


ABugsLife123456 t1_ja4vysx wrote

All marines visit the MCRD museum before leaving bootcamp, I think during the last week of training.


Des8559 t1_ja59ij2 wrote

A SOG guy got his shot off and captured the nva that did it


prindacerk t1_ja4vzg6 wrote

Banging all the prostitutes they came across probably gave them the diseases. Not to mention all the village rapes that happened during Vietnam war and the American fathered children left behind when USA left Vietnam.


Nick85er t1_ja5bns7 wrote

You might enjoy reading "What Soldiers Do" - I think you might appreciate the read, you seem well-informed.

Its a tough fucking read, btw.


b0ngsm0ke t1_ja6eea8 wrote

You should see what happened to the other guys.


Dranks t1_ja7497b wrote

“Left my balls with the sappers round Khe Sahn”


FactoryBuilder t1_ja35im4 wrote

Why does the Admiral get to measure between three points? Left foot, top of the head, right foot.


TDAM t1_ja3whbi wrote

Should be bottom of left foot to tip of right hand and then spread them out


luntcips t1_ja3wt0v wrote

Usually I’ve seen this with the second person going wingspan


eatenbyalion t1_ja4dcnh wrote

Wingspan is typically the same as height or very close to it, so the joke wouldn't work as well.


WeNeedToTalkAboutMe t1_ja4fyl6 wrote

Tangent, but it's always annoyed me how they measure 'reach' in combat sports (boxing, MMA).

Let's say a fighter has an...80 inch reach. Now as I understand it, that measurement is with their arms outstretched, from the tip of one middle finger to the tip of the other.

But realistically, even if you have an 80 inch reach, if you're standing 80 inches away from me, you can't hit me. Because that's 80 inches divided between both arms and the torso. To me, it would make more sense to measure from the shoulder to the fingertips.


SauronSauroff t1_ja5eyd5 wrote

They need to factor in someone taring off their own arm then beating someone with it


MyLifeisTangled t1_ja5l6sh wrote

For most people, wingspan = height. That means you have an ape index of 0. Some people (like my grandmother) have a wingspan that is noticeably less than their height. That means you have short arms (negative ape index) and should choose to measure from head to toe for the most money. Other people (myself included) have a wingspan that is noticeably greater than their height. That means you have long arms (positive ape index) and should choose to measure from fingertip to fingertip for the most money. It means you M0NKEY


Jbwood t1_ja5tn4z wrote

Me.. being 5'9 with my wingspan measuring 6ft and 2.5 inches. It's a struggle at times.


MyLifeisTangled t1_ja5zzy6 wrote

My fiancé is over 6ft and I’m like 5’5” - 5’5.5”

I always say I’m an “Honorary Tall Person” bc I can reach stuff on high shelves that my grandma can’t. Then he touches the ceiling with both his feet flat on the floor and we both say “fuck you” and/or flip him off lol


vincent3878 t1_ja6xfm3 wrote

Laughs in dutch where ceilings are 8ft 6 inch high lmao


Satanic_soup_dragon t1_ja322bn wrote

Well crafted. 😄


bigwolf29 OP t1_ja32aon wrote


Although I'll admit it isn't original. I saw it in a joke book a while back that had a bunch of good stuff.


leonscum t1_ja3g58r wrote

Here's another recycle from National Lampoon in the 70's:

What do you call a junkie with no legs on a dolly that steals hubcaps?

A Vietnam vet.


Specialist-Look-7929 t1_ja3jag8 wrote

Or, what's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I chopped up the onion.


Potential_Bee_7739 t1_ja38p2s wrote

I haven't seen it here yet, and good on you for giving credit where credit is due. I regret that I have only one like to give...


P0L1Z1STENS0HN t1_ja3elq6 wrote

>I haven't seen it here yet,

Oh, a newcomer, welcome!

I remember reading it here at least twice.

It was posted in 2015, 2016, 2018, 2018, 2020, 2020, 2021, and that's just the ones that made it to the first page of results of a quick google search.


TinnyOctopus t1_ja4ubwo wrote

It's obviously due. It's been over a year since the last successful repost!


Potential_Bee_7739 t1_ja3f0uo wrote

Ah, well. It is the only one I haven't seen repeatedly (NOT repeated 😂), and I am new, so you might have something there.


bigwolf29 OP t1_ja39r6a wrote

Yeah, I haven't, either.

Thank you.


BertzReynolds t1_ja41h1y wrote

I know this is a joke, but they really do have way too many.


InvisiblePhilosophy t1_ja4myg3 wrote

It’s a holdover from the Cold War and World War II, really.

In an all out war situation where we are drafting people, the generals will have many more people under each of their commands, so the proportion would look “correct”.

As is it with the number of people we have today, we are drastically overbalanced.


BertzReynolds t1_ja4n98o wrote

There will never be a draft in the USA again and the addition of the “Space Force” just ensures too many more Generals.


InvisiblePhilosophy t1_ja4o8ut wrote

I’m right there with you.

The last report that I read said we could cut something like 25% of the generals and be fine.

Similar numbers for colonels and lieutenant colonels, less for major, and even less to none for captains and below.


Phoenixjt041 t1_ja32tpl wrote

Banks hate him!

See how he earns money in one simple trick!


CoderJoe1 t1_ja40k9r wrote

Another Deez Nuts joke


SYLOH t1_ja3s1au wrote

The Air Force General re-defines an infra-red photon emitted by his skin shortly after his 1st year birthday as part of his body.
Statistically at least one was released out into space.
Meaning it is <age - 1> lightyears away.
The precendent was set by the Marine gaining from a lost body part.

Air Force people are more techies/lawyers than soldiers.


mossed2222 t1_ja4pjij wrote

> So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

Perfectly normal.


Derboman t1_ja732va wrote

Yeah the setup is so ridiculous lmao, why not make it a whacky radio contest or something


BarkBeetleJuice t1_ja4sa2n wrote

The admiral is measured by three points, not two. Broke the rules.


Tkainzero t1_ja6m3oj wrote

"where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body "

The balls are not "on their body"

No money awarded. Case closed


Tinsel-Fop t1_ja6qxu0 wrote

Joke needs to change to "any two body parts," maybe.


sto_brohammed t1_ja5tb7m wrote

It's a joke but there are more generals now than there were in WW2 when the military was much, much larger.


Koopicoolest t1_ja5cmt6 wrote

I'd say the start of my oesophagus to my anus, internally. Something something football field


Carb-BasedLifeform t1_ja62h15 wrote

I think in this scenario I'd say the distance between both ends of my digestive system... aren't there like 27 feet of intestines?


HkayakH t1_ja4qh3o wrote

That Admiral is cheating. That's 3 points.


TVotte t1_ja36v8m wrote

Here and I thought this was going to be an ass to mouth joke


avahz t1_ja4ws5k wrote

A classic repost


RecalcitrantHuman t1_ja6jlnd wrote

On their body. Not off their body. Too easy. I’ll settle for 20%


marcocanb t1_ja4wsx9 wrote

Picture 160 Generals running Ft Drum. That's Canada.


YoloSwag3368 t1_ja5eqdt wrote

This is my favorite repost by far


ansolo00 t1_ja5pcoj wrote

But wouldnt his eyeballs be the next point to measure to?


wolfie379 t1_ja5s4j5 wrote

At least they weren’t involved in the infamous Reddenbacher Incident.

A large hyperbaric chamber was built to test the mental performance of personnel under high atmospheric pressure. O-5s and O-6s were performing mentally taxing tasks as the chamber’s pressure was slowly increased to the equivalent of a depth of 600 feet. Unfortunately, the contractor wasn’t told the rank of the people who would be using the chamber, so it was built to the standards of equipment intended for use by lower enlisted.

The door latch failed, the door flew open, and the chamber underwent explosive decompression. Almost every Colonel popped.


emzirek t1_ja65089 wrote

TIL admiral means general in the Navy


bigwolf29 OP t1_ja7ehgq wrote

Yeah. Navy is weird with officer ranks.


Sander08481 t1_ja6lkb1 wrote

I would do from my mouth to my anus but through the digestive system if possible


headloser t1_ja6r95f wrote

For a second, i thought you were talking about all the Russian Generals that Russia keep losing in the war.


ToastyWarmHamster t1_ja9vm2o wrote

“Somewhere in Vietnam”. I can tell you if my balls became detached from my body I could tell you where that happened within precision of Latitude and longitude 20°25'N 105°09'E


mazerakham_ t1_ja560r3 wrote

Using his penis was entirely unnecessary, but all the same, I condone the decision.


GreatNobody007 t1_ja5gotw wrote

I'll Will end it like this: general what's the distance. -5 inches, so that is 5,000 dolars. -yes but I make a Bet of 1000 dolars to all soldiier In this platoon that the general Will be touching My balls and penis before I retire xD


skordge t1_ja6ykli wrote

I heard a version of the same joke with a Jewish salesman trying to buy cabling for the telephone company he represents.

"I asked them, how much cable does $5 buy me? They say - for five bucks, you can have a length of cable from the tip of your nose to the tip of your dick. Little did they know - I left my foreskin at a synagogue back in Odessa!"


Tidesticky t1_ja7640e wrote

But his penis ain't on his body


A_Beautiful_Brain t1_ja7qvjp wrote

You could expand in this and say goes in long hard and dry comes out soft wet and shriveled up - answer still gum most traditional gum is long and flat and the details make it seem even more like the other answer