Submitted by JonathanMackay t3_11acxn7 in Jokes

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!



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antofed2013 t1_j9r9og0 wrote

Last time I heard this joke I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur


TexasIsCool t1_j9rh465 wrote

Who’s your dinosaur guy?


JAYHAZY t1_j9sc6ro wrote

Dino call me guy, pal!


Strfox-777 t1_j9si2kw wrote

Di-not your pal, buddy!


Wasteland-Scum t1_j9sji8h wrote

Dino your buddy, amigo!


Strfox-777 t1_j9sjn3i wrote

Di-not your amigo, compadre'!


RevolutionaryAd94 t1_j9synol wrote

Di-not your compadré, mate!


Disorderly_Chaos t1_j9syvcu wrote

Di-not your compadre, dude!


iq-braggng-o-smrtass t1_j9tb18n wrote

Yeah she an older woman. She's been using this same strategy for decades.


Joe_from_Orlando t1_j9tmrq4 wrote

That explains why when I first heard the joke, it was a young woman who was speeding


anon2282 t1_j9tiswr wrote

Last time i heard this joke i laughed so hard i fell off my--shit never mind.


kittendaddy65 t1_j9tpbl5 wrote

I didn´t expect Keith Richards in this group
welcome sir


cheshire_splat t1_j9sxtwb wrote

Hey, there are new people born every day who haven’t heard every joke. They’ve all heard this one, though.


MontEcola t1_j9t6unz wrote

A police officer pulls over a pick up truck going too fast in Florida. The officer approaches the driver and asks, Got any ID?”

Florida man is quiet, takes some time, then responds, “ ‘bout what?”


richnbj08 t1_j9rermv wrote

Old as dirt.


DrBarry_McCockiner t1_j9s3xui wrote

The joke didn't specify how old she was, just elderly.


EDH70 t1_j9sbwpx wrote

Still funny though!


Lord_Tynan t1_j9t2h3j wrote

Doesn't really work in a world with body cams though. Which really starts to show the age of the joke.


Dragoninja26 t1_j9twme4 wrote

That's what I was thinking about while reading it too


superkoning t1_j9smnlg wrote

>police cars circle the car.
>A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.


and ... bang!!! ... she gets shot, as the police officer did not ask her to move.


Grimlokh t1_j9ui2vf wrote

"Simon didn't say 'breathe' now did he"- the cops probably


thisishans t1_j9slbad wrote

Cop: licence

Guy: don't have one

Cop: vehicle registration

Guy: what the fuck is a vehale resuscitation?

Cop: sir are you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol.

Guy: not just that mate, we also burned up a few Macca's toys and inhaled the fuck out of em aye.

Cop: sir I'm gonna need to check the trunk of your car.

Guy: yeah no worries, be careful there's a spider in the back.

Cop: holy shit!

Guy: see the spider yet mate?

Cop: sir, there is every drug under the sun in the back of your car! Including a fire arm.

Guy: yeah haha. Fun weekend when we got that aye.



Cop: youre fucken going straight to prison


NewDayNewLife100 t1_j9suthr wrote

Very nice plot twist. It really worked a reverse, reverse psychology. 10/10.


TH_Byakuren t1_j9tqfv3 wrote

It's always nice when I see Big Lez stuff. I should really get the boys together and watch that again.


thisishans t1_jac5enx wrote

Bloody oath, I think we're all over due for a big lez marathon


darthbreezy t1_j9rqtw3 wrote

I'm a silver haired old lady who drives a muscle car - Joke or no I'm gonna remember this one....


Nooni77 t1_j9tafcu wrote

Then the police officer examined the body camp footage and found that the old lady was lying the whole time and she was fined and charge for trying to lie to police.


theWanderer_420 t1_j9rkjbn wrote

I have always told this joke myself a little differently but basically the same joke. Classic!


kanna172014 t1_j9s677m wrote

More realistic scenario:

Cop: You were speeding pulls out gun and shoots her dead


letbillfixit t1_j9sbier wrote

It says she was old. It didn't say she was a person of color. How many old white lady's out here getting shot dead by the police?


Malnurtured_Snay t1_j9u8go9 wrote

Why do we assume that a description that's just "old lady" has to be white? It makes it sound like the default description of anyone is white, and that we have to clarify if they're not.

Besides, what white lady would have this level of gumption?


letbillfixit t1_j9u8t2p wrote

People of color don't usually behave like this with police. Years of poc being murdered and qualified immunity.


420trainwreck t1_j9uacpl wrote

An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding in LA. The cops approach her car……. then beat her to death.


Slash_Raptor92 t1_j9rb8r8 wrote

I don't get it.


ExcitingChip5267 t1_j9s12nj wrote

idk why ur downvoted but: the old woman tricked the second cop into thinking his colleague(the first cop) was lying about the woman have no license, stole the car, and killed someone when in reality, the woman lied about those herself. this brings the trust that the second cop has for the first cop significantly since the first cop pretty much just wasted his time. this makes the second cop believe that the woman wasn’t actually speeding, it was just another lie told by the first cop.


toandfro9 t1_j9urn95 wrote

Wow, thanks rando. You must be a hoot at parties and comedy shows


Restless_Dragon t1_j9sb27q wrote

The same elderly woman is pulled over for speeding 2 years after the first incident. The officer comes up she hands over her license and registration. The police officer asked her if she had any guns in the car. She answered yes, and he says really what guns do you have in the car? She replied, I have a 9 mm in the center console. I have a Magnum 45 in the glove compartment. I have a shotgun in the backseat, and I have an AR-15 in the trunk.

The officer looks at her in surprise, and asked ma'am what are you scared of?

She looks at him with a smile and says, not a damn thing!


Robert-L-Santangelo t1_j9twwya wrote

officer! thank goodness you're here! there's a guy in the back who committed suicide! locked himself in the trunk and shot himself in the head six times!


BadBeast_11 t1_j9t6ql3 wrote

Ok so that's why bodycams came into existence.


apehm t1_j9r8z7p wrote

I love Moroccan couscous...


runnerkid6521 t1_j9s8n6h wrote

Those who downvoted just didn’t get the connection…


E34M20 t1_j9sc8oc wrote

Ok I'll bite: what's the connection?


runnerkid6521 t1_j9tlu2n wrote

Absolutely nothing. But It’s interesting that everyone upvoted the comment after I said that. Guess no one wants to be the one that doesn’t get the joke? 🤷‍♂️


Joe_from_Orlando t1_j9tnfq3 wrote

If I ever kill someone, chop up the body , and am stopped while carrying the parts in the trunk of my car, I will use this exact script as then the cop will think I am setting him up and let me go


Time4uToBeEqualized t1_j9vv0sf wrote

Oh no no no, she’s so old that she forgot that police have body cameras. She going to jail for lying to a law enforcement officer.


darknight99x t1_j9trp20 wrote

This joke must be old as grandma herself since she hadn't realized cops have body cams


BlueBloodedBlaze t1_j9u9mqq wrote

body cam footage exists


Grimlokh t1_j9uhv0g wrote


The cops either had their union fight the regulation for them, or mysteriously lost the footage.


[deleted] t1_j9ra4y6 wrote



ballrus_walsack t1_j9rby3b wrote

Yawn, I'm off to bed, I hate copy paste reposts.


End_G4ming t1_j9rc6gd wrote

Yawn, I'm off to bed, I hate copy paste reposts.


Filip_Godlewski t1_j9rdhnd wrote

Yawn, I'm off to bed, I hate copy paste reposts.