Submitted by JonathanMackay t3_11acxn7 in Jokes

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!



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apehm t1_j9r8z7p wrote

I love Moroccan couscous...


antofed2013 t1_j9r9og0 wrote

Last time I heard this joke I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur


theWanderer_420 t1_j9rkjbn wrote

I have always told this joke myself a little differently but basically the same joke. Classic!


darthbreezy t1_j9rqtw3 wrote

I'm a silver haired old lady who drives a muscle car - Joke or no I'm gonna remember this one....


ExcitingChip5267 t1_j9s12nj wrote

idk why ur downvoted but: the old woman tricked the second cop into thinking his colleague(the first cop) was lying about the woman have no license, stole the car, and killed someone when in reality, the woman lied about those herself. this brings the trust that the second cop has for the first cop significantly since the first cop pretty much just wasted his time. this makes the second cop believe that the woman wasn’t actually speeding, it was just another lie told by the first cop.


kanna172014 t1_j9s677m wrote

More realistic scenario:

Cop: You were speeding pulls out gun and shoots her dead


Restless_Dragon t1_j9sb27q wrote

The same elderly woman is pulled over for speeding 2 years after the first incident. The officer comes up she hands over her license and registration. The police officer asked her if she had any guns in the car. She answered yes, and he says really what guns do you have in the car? She replied, I have a 9 mm in the center console. I have a Magnum 45 in the glove compartment. I have a shotgun in the backseat, and I have an AR-15 in the trunk.

The officer looks at her in surprise, and asked ma'am what are you scared of?

She looks at him with a smile and says, not a damn thing!


thisishans t1_j9slbad wrote

Cop: licence

Guy: don't have one

Cop: vehicle registration

Guy: what the fuck is a vehale resuscitation?

Cop: sir are you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol.

Guy: not just that mate, we also burned up a few Macca's toys and inhaled the fuck out of em aye.

Cop: sir I'm gonna need to check the trunk of your car.

Guy: yeah no worries, be careful there's a spider in the back.

Cop: holy shit!

Guy: see the spider yet mate?

Cop: sir, there is every drug under the sun in the back of your car! Including a fire arm.

Guy: yeah haha. Fun weekend when we got that aye.



Cop: youre fucken going straight to prison


superkoning t1_j9smnlg wrote

>police cars circle the car.
>A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.


and ... bang!!! ... she gets shot, as the police officer did not ask her to move.


BadBeast_11 t1_j9t6ql3 wrote

Ok so that's why bodycams came into existence.


MontEcola t1_j9t6unz wrote

A police officer pulls over a pick up truck going too fast in Florida. The officer approaches the driver and asks, Got any ID?”

Florida man is quiet, takes some time, then responds, “ ‘bout what?”


Nooni77 t1_j9tafcu wrote

Then the police officer examined the body camp footage and found that the old lady was lying the whole time and she was fined and charge for trying to lie to police.


Joe_from_Orlando t1_j9tnfq3 wrote

If I ever kill someone, chop up the body , and am stopped while carrying the parts in the trunk of my car, I will use this exact script as then the cop will think I am setting him up and let me go


darknight99x t1_j9trp20 wrote

This joke must be old as grandma herself since she hadn't realized cops have body cams


Robert-L-Santangelo t1_j9twwya wrote

officer! thank goodness you're here! there's a guy in the back who committed suicide! locked himself in the trunk and shot himself in the head six times!


Malnurtured_Snay t1_j9u8go9 wrote

Why do we assume that a description that's just "old lady" has to be white? It makes it sound like the default description of anyone is white, and that we have to clarify if they're not.

Besides, what white lady would have this level of gumption?


420trainwreck t1_j9uacpl wrote

An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding in LA. The cops approach her car……. then beat her to death.


Time4uToBeEqualized t1_j9vv0sf wrote

Oh no no no, she’s so old that she forgot that police have body cameras. She going to jail for lying to a law enforcement officer.