Submitted by survivalothefittest t3_124tymj in LifeProTips
And just because someone seems fine three months later, four months later, they can feel like they are falling to pieces all over again.
Comments
robsticles t1_je31k59 wrote
My god I am sorry you had to go through this
BitStompr t1_je330j0 wrote
Yeah, me too. Thanks for the kindness internet stranger
sarahjd82 t1_je2ddfo wrote
The best explanation for grief I've ever seen was the ball in a box metaphor. Basically, when you lose someone it's like you've been given a box with a button on one of the walls. In that box is a grief ball. At first the ball almost fills the entire box, so it constantly pushes the button. With time the ball shrinks but it's still huts the button from time to time, often unexpectedly.
Grief is unpredictable and hard.
NateCow t1_je2f71i wrote
As soon as I read "The best explanation for grief," I figured you were going to go into the ball in the box. Spot fucking on. I lost one of my best friends and then my girlfriend with 16 months of each other, both while I was living across the country for work. That metaphor really helped me through the random waves of grief.
A friend of mine lost his wife (of just under 3 years) last year. The thing I told him is that it doesn't get "easier." You just get used to it. You're suddenly thrust into a new phase of life without that person, and you'll eventually grow accustomed to this new reality.
EDIT: Rephrasing.
KeeperofAmmut7 t1_je33c24 wrote
>The thing I told him is that it doesn't get "easier." You just get used to it.
Deffo. I feel guilty that I was relieved that I didn't hafta wait up until he decided to come to be, because I hadta walk behind him and help him up the stairs because his knee would go out. Too many times he started to fall and I got body slammed into the front door, or had to move his feet closer onto the step so he could get balance.
Bierbart12 t1_je0xt0n wrote
This also applies if the person they are grieving is still alive, but the parting of ways felt like a death.
This is an extremely important part that non-therapists never seem to consider
NinjaLanternShark t1_je0wwgz wrote
My wife lost her mother several months back. The hard times are when she goes to do something that she would have done with her mom -- prom dress shopping was really hard this year because they'd always do that together.
If you know something like that's coming up perhaps offer extra support for that activity.
HumpieDouglas t1_je2dmts wrote
It's been almost 10 years since my wife died and I still have days where it seems like it just happened.
thxsocialmedia t1_je22hph wrote
Yes. My father's death was as tragic as our relationship. We had time at the end to generally forgive each other, but my god the things I should have said and didn't. Cried in my boyfriend's arms this morning. It was 14 mos ago that he passed.
amboomernotkaren t1_je2i1ww wrote
My mom had been dead since 2010. I’m crying just typing those words. My close friend lost her 32 year old son in 2021, her mom and brother last November and her husband three weeks ago. I don’t know how she can cope. Her son had a stroke at 33. He was a really great young man.
Solid-Question-3952 t1_je2z26f wrote
I lost my dad a year and a half ago. We were close and it was heartwrenching. This past weekend my husband and i were trying to do a home project on a subject that was my dad's profession. It was going wrong and we couldnt figure out why. I had a mini breakdown. I missed him so much in that moment because he would have come over, took 2 seconds and told us what was wrong. Weird moments like that pop up and the little things because huge losses.
Kitcheb t1_je36oru wrote
So sorry for your loss. This one hits home for me too. He sounded like a wonderful and knowledgeable dad.
RighteousTablespoon t1_je1icmf wrote
My mom never got an opportunity to properly grieve her mother (family drama being the main reason). It’s really hard to watch her during a down moment. I know she’s got years of work ahead. I always tell her grief is our final act of love.
somuchstrange t1_je2ig2t wrote
I had to get used to each person including parents and grandparents not being around for each holiday. It felt different for each person because of their relationship to holidays, but nonetheless had to get used to not including cards (or seeing them, buying gifts, spending time w/them, etc) and remembering they weren't a part of any holiday anymore. After the first year the remembering was easier, but the deceased are always thought of.
swedeinsuede t1_je2zxjf wrote
My mom died in 2012 when I (F) was 19, I am now 31 and getting through my first years of aduthood without a mom was really hard. Somedays still, the grief hits really hard. You just get used to it over time and accept it. The hardest part is missing someone you know you will never see again.
KeeperofAmmut7 t1_je32s2r wrote
Well said.
I already have ads in my spam folder for Russian Women, 50+, Sugar babies...LOL My hubby of almost 35 years has been dead for a little over a month from a massive stroke. I was spending the nights at the hospital by his side, holding his hand, watching TV with him. He died with me holding his hand.
To be honest, I have up days and down days. Seeing someone I haven't seen in a while and having to tell them while trying not to break down was so damned hard, especially when he started to fill up.
The most innocuous comment can start the waterworks.
I work at a wrinkle city and I've seen how grief is such a bloody big dipper for the folks and each one is different. Some are like woohoo freedom. Others are so very sad since they've been made alone. I'm still stuck with paperwork and phone calls. I haven't even started the taxes yet. I haven't even really had any time for grieving. My boss said to take all the time I need, but then wanted me back by a certain date because she didn't want to do my job and my coworker was on vacation.
The best thing you can do is call and check in, give hugs, make meals ( I kept the local greasy spoons in the black for a month) clean up (my bestie helped me do this)
I just got a thing in the mail saying that one of his investments is changing brokers. I have no idea wtf to do with it. Can't ask him...and am clueless atm. It's already going into the not now pile.
See if a friend can help you get bills sorted. I mislaid 4 that were right in front of my face.
Sorry about the OT sorta rant.
I can just say that if you feel like screaming, do so. Crying, do that too. It's rough. One day to the next, one second to the next, you'll feel something or even nothing at all. I just feel right now that if I cry, I won't stop and I'll be like Odo in his bucket. I remember what a character in one of my stories told herself. "You don't have the time for that now, you have too much other shite to deal with."
When I get all this shite sorted, I'm gonna find a place where you can smash dishes with a baseball bat, or an axe throwing place, and go wild.
shebabbleslikeaidiot t1_je239tz wrote
My dad died in 2016 and I still cry about it every so often. You just have to give some space and let those just cry it out. It literally feels like it all happened just last year.
just--so t1_je2yawm wrote
Thank you for this. My mum and I had a very poor relationship, the last decade and a half. She died a week and a half ago. For some reason I have a feeling I'm not really going to be able to grieve her death for another year and a half.
Lacaud t1_je25lmk wrote
Yup. My gf's mom was in the hospital (she made it), and they had a rocky relationship, but it impacted my gf so much to her mom in that state.
foomachoo t1_je383gl wrote
Grief comes in waves.
​
It usually takes more than a year, as yearly events trigger memories that we otherwise forget.
​
Oh, it's Easter? The last time we had Easter ____ was with us!
Oh, it's Halloween? The last time....
Oh, I smell cookies baking? The last time...
Each event is like a fresh wave of grief washing over us.
And, if we are healing properly, each repeated wave hits a little less hard.
​
So, 3 years is 3 waves of each type of yearly trigger, and that's quite optimistic for some of the worst losses we might face. 1 year is just too quick for most losses.
goodsam2 t1_je3o17i wrote
To add onto this.
If someone is grieving or some other nervous don't know what to do. Clean up, having dishes away isn't a lot but you want to help and that's something.
keepthetips t1_je0rqcz wrote
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[deleted] t1_je36f7d wrote
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DarkInkPixie t1_je3utcv wrote
It's been 10 years since we lost my sister and 3 since I lost my boyfriend. My mom still goes through episodes where she lapses into grief. On those days, I'm soft with her and let her talk, and I don't correct her if she calls me by my siblings name. I have PTSD from how I lost my boyfriend, and certain things will trigger it. I'll never ride a motorcycle again, can't even watch videos of accidents happening with riders involved, and have panic attacks when close calls happen to me while driving. My fiance is gentle with me on my bad days. He knows in theory how bad it was to go through, and supports me incredibly well.
When you have a loved one who has been hurt by loss, or if you are the one hurt by it, gentleness is the balm to grief.
bad_analogy_ t1_je4gyeu wrote
This will be the seventh year without my dad. I still break down and cry sometimes and I am okay with that. At first, I tried to bottle up my feelings, or drink them under the surface. That led to a lot of harmful behaviors that I regret.
Ozstriker06 t1_je4nmdd wrote
Sending much love to everyone in here, life is amazing and extremely hard at the same time. I personally lost my little sister to a car crash when she went to travel the world that broke us all, then my uncle and nan who had been pillars for me over my life passed away within a few days of each other, hopefully they are somewhere together having a laugh, drink and playing some new and old school music together. Hang tough everyone we all got this 💪💪❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
[deleted] t1_je53ddd wrote
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cffhhbbbhhggg t1_jeckz7l wrote
A year? My dad died when I was a child 13 years ago, and I’m only just starting to grieve it now. Didn’t cry at all for at least five years after it happened
MrKahnberg t1_je2abtt wrote
For us data fanatics, any good studies related to this?
StarrySunflower714 t1_je34cmf wrote
While I do agree I was extremely over my ex and him constantly crying about his grandma like 8 years later. He never attempted to actually work through it. Just wanted to cry about everything
My_first_bullpup t1_je3y7v2 wrote
If you’re speaking of time… it can only be linear… so this technically isn’t correct.
Time only moves forward, so whenever the grieving process begins or ends is still linear as it can only move forward with time
BitStompr t1_je1pmof wrote
I lost my wife in 2016, my dad in 2019, and my mom in 2021. Between the caretaking and loss I swear I'm just starting to come out of decade of terror and grief.