LPT Request: How can I improve my ability to talk to others and be more extroverted?

Submitted by Somo_99 t3_1258dzi in LifeProTips

I'm an introvert, and have never been a big talker. Most of the friends I've ended up making are all extroverts though, and they get annoyed and upset at me sometimes when I don't talk to them or add to what they're saying when we're hanging out.

Specifically, one of my female friends wants me to talk to her more and has recently got upset that I don't, but I'm not a big talker and never know what to say or what to talk about.

I've tried, and improved a little bit, and it's not that I don't want to talk to any of them, I just don't know where to start to build my social skills.

I'll admit, I'm in awe and envious of everyone else who can, including my other friends, and how they manage to come up with endless topics to say or add to the conversation and keep at it for hours. It just baffles me how easily people can do that; does anyone have any tips or tricks I could use to make me more like them?

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crossplanetriple t1_je37wy2 wrote

Ask questions. People love talking about themselves. Ask questions to increase your knowledge. Use that knowledge to drop bomb ass facts about things later on that nobody asked about. The more the other person is talking, the less you have to anyways.

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Jankypox t1_je3jve3 wrote

It comes down to practice and improving incrementally. Also accepting that it may never feel or be natural for you, but still trying your best anyway.

I’ve always been shy and struggled to make small talk or talk to others with ease. Even after decades I still have to go out of my way to do it and force myself out of that comfort zone.

It does get easier and most of the time even close friends are shocked that I claim to be so shy, when to many people I apparently come off as confident, friendly, and chatty, despite still internally feeling like a total dork and uncomfortable a lot of the time.

It’s a cliché, but you’ve basically gotta fake it until you make it. Even if you still feel like a total imposter most of the time.

Practice with clerks in the store or at checkout or even other customers in line with you. These engagements are usually short and end quickly so they are great opportunity to strike up a very quick chat and organically end it without feeling weird or the need to prolong the conversation. You’re also unlikely to ever meet them again so even if you flub it or say something stupid it’s easier to forget about it.

Also as other have already said, read more, stay up to date with current and world news and events so when someone os talking about something and you’ve recently read, heard, watched, or learned about that thing, talking about it will not just be easier but feel more natural. If it’s something you know nothing about, straight up say so and then say something like, “Wow! I really know nothing about that, but it sounds fascinating! Tell me more.”

People love talking about things they know well or are passionate about, especially if they feel like they are teaching or sharing something special with you. Just remember to ask questions and be genuinely interested, and you’ll have won more than half the battle.

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itsawhocares t1_je2zph7 wrote

Read. Read the papers. Sports, Op-Ed, Front Page, whatever. Know what’s going on. And ask questions. Be interested in the other person’s hobbies, career, family

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KNick1111 t1_je33tlp wrote

Read and know about current events, then ask questions, be interested in others. Read local news and talk about them...Example with your friend: "don't you live in the area where that building burned down last night John.?"..yes I do..."was it close to your house? "...yes just down the street"..." Wow, that's too bad, they lost everything " ..talking is like ping pong. The conversation can be simple, but it takes two to keep in going and asking questions gets it going back and forth. .

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Somo_99 OP t1_je350t2 wrote

talking is like ping pong. I suck at ping pong.

And tennis. And badminton. And back and forth games in general.

I've gotten similar advice like this before, but It doesn't help me much considering that 9 times out of 10 my brain doesn't work fast enough in real time to come up with good enough questions or statements to reply with to give the other person enough to then say their next part (right now my verbal vocabulary consists of chuckles, one or two words acknowledgments to what they said, or silence as I mentally panic, trying to think of something to say when it should be easy).

Great advice though, I'm noting these down!

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KNick1111 t1_je395q1 wrote

I hear ya. 😪I have an extremely shy nephew and he said the same thing about sucking at ping pong ect. He's trying but it's not natural for him. But your WANT is the first step, so you'll be fine

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nightzephyr t1_je38r4s wrote

If you see, hear, or read something interesting, make a quick note of it. Especially if you know it's something your friends are interested in. Use that as a list of ideas to pull from. For me this is now a mental list, but when I was really focused on improving I'd actually keep a physical list and give it a quick read before times when I knew I'd need to make conversation. Think of it less as a script, and more a menu of things that happened this week that you could talk about for a minute or two.

If there's a pause in the conversation, you can either ask a question / comment on the previous topic, or use the topic from your list that seems to fit best if it feels like time for a new subject.

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keepthetips t1_je2z88n wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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Columbus43219 t1_je39u6r wrote

I joined a barbershop chorus! They have both men and women versions.

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FelixVulgaris t1_je3uy6h wrote

Try practicing in low-stakes situation. Make an effort to make small talk with the cashier at the store. Maybe have a short chat with the person in line behind you if they seem open to it (use your introvert radar, we are usually pretty good at reading non verbal cues from someone that wants to be left alone). Make sure to pick neutral, inoffensive topics (Weather, yes. Politics, no) and aim for short interactions.

The idea here is to get in some practice in an environment where there is minimal chance for negative consequences. If the interaction ends up being awkward, its easy to stop. Worst case scenario a stranger thinks you're a bit weird and then goes about their day, never having to see you again.

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Bryan_Mills2020 t1_je55ml8 wrote

Practice on friends and family. Use visualization techniques to see yourself successfully talking with strangers. Start small and work up to bigger and bigger conversations. Relax and have fun with it. Before long people won't be able to shut you up.

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tyetyemn t1_je6a8kh wrote

Number one thing that can help is to start getting curious and interested about other people's stories.

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Somo_99 OP t1_je6am4d wrote

What if I'm seen as overly curious and annoyingly nosy?

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tyetyemn t1_je6yvsg wrote

If you are genuinely curious and the person is talking about something they like, that is unlikely to happen. You can say things like, "That is so interesting to me, tell me more, what's xyz like?"

At some point they should recognize their turn for talking is over and ask you a question back. If they don't tell them "Thanks for sharing" and move on to talk to someone else or grab a drink/food/move locations

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lilyrosewizz t1_je30m7j wrote

omg i feel the exact same way!! u are not alone at all. im so shy

ive only ever been good at making friends online and even then i still have a hard time maintaining them

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Somo_99 OP t1_je331ay wrote

It feels good knowing I'm not alone then 😂

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lilyrosewizz t1_je370fv wrote

ya its rly rly hard to make friends sometimes! i overthink everything

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Somo_99 OP t1_je37a8b wrote

I overthink what to say, how to say it, whether or not the other person will find someway to keep the conversation going based off what I said, whether it's appropriate to say it, when it's a good time to say something, how I'm actually gonna say it, the tone I'll use... Everything!!! 😂

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