Submitted by dandelionbaaby t3_124xne3 in LifeProTips
I struggle to clean when my partner is home, when he is at work I’m extremely productive and able to clean while maintaining my 6 month old daughter, but for some reason when he’s home I lose all motivation to clean, any tips or advice to help me out with this specific struggle?
Thank you! These are some super helpful starting point for me to think about.. I’m not sure why it’s hard for me so the first step seems like figuring that out! Honestly all of those questions could be a simple yes depending on the day! Lol
or maybe you are simply tired by the time your partner gets home :)
I'm a father of two, 9yo and 6yo. My s/o and I both have this problem, and from what we've experienced, and keep in mind, just our experience, we just want to hang out with each other. Working all day, taking care of the kids all day+all the housework, it's lame. And when I get home from work, we just want to lay up and watch some shows, make sure kids are fed, homeworks done etc... Then re-gear to do it all again tomorrow. Parenting, whether you stay at home or be the breadwinner, is pretty tireless. However you can work out a routine, divide labor, and find your balance is going to be what it's going to be.
It also begs the question of who this concern is coming from.
Has OP's partner expressed issues with stuff not getting done in the evenings, or does OP feel anxiety about their productivity tanking once their partner comes home?
For my two cents, as long as the critical tasks are getting done, the child is having their needs met, and the relationship is happy, it's okay for both partners to slow down in the evenings and enjoy some recharge time.
Keeping a grind-set mentality and always stressing about the next thing that needs to get done is a fast track to burnout.A few tasks getting delayed is better than mentally crashing and none of them getting done.
The only issue my partner has expressed is wishing I’d throw his work clothes in the wash more often, instead of his every day lounging clothes lol. That’s easily resolved by him reminding me though! All the essential tasks are done always, we never have NO clean dishes, clothes, towels, etc. I would say my anxiety comes mostly from when he is home on weekends, or has extra days off work and my usual get it all done while he’s at work routine gets messed with! It’s almost like I get stage fright cleaning in front of people, or my cleaning style just doesn’t mesh well with other body’s in the house.. I know what works BEST for me, I’m definitely hoping I can get some tips to find what works just okay for me in terms of cleaning if there’s people home
If you do laundry 2x per week, is the issue doing laundry or the amount of work clothes they have? You shouldn't have to do laundry 5x per week just for work clothes. Or, if finances are a problem with buying new alternate work clothes, can you work out a system? For example: you do laundry on Sundays and Wednesdays. If they need more, they throw in loads themselves
So true. We all need to rest and spend time with loved ones even if we have to put off some things on our to do list.
Tell them you can have sex as soon as you're done cleaning.
A rule I live by is that if I see my partner working/cleaning, I'm working/cleaning too. It's much easier to do these things together because you can quickly resolve ambiguity ("where does this go?" "are you done with this? etc) and builds a sense of trust and partnership.
I have the same issue with cleaning around other people. For me, I've realized that it comes from adults in my life being hypercritical whenever I did chores as a kid. I was expected to help with cleaning from about 8 years old and my mom and grandma would yell at me for doing chores too slow or the "wrong" way even though I was still learning. Not much I can do about it now except raising my own children differently, but being aware of the reason for this hang-up and recognizing that it's irrational definitely helps me.
This is a very insightful comment and I can definitely relate a bit! I taught myself the important life skills I didn’t get taught from my parents so maybe the insecurity I feel about my method of cleaning is a factor!!
I (male ) used to get up on Saturday morning and take the kids somewhere while the wife cleaned. No one around to bother her and she didn’t mind.
I think this is a great way to balance the time dynamic when one partner stays at home and the other doesn't. The sahp gets alone time to do chores and the other parent gets one-on-one time with the kids.
I don't think this is the answer when both parents work outside the house.
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Maybe doing these tasks puts you in a meditative headspace that's hard to achieve with your SO at home? That happens to me all the time. Idk if it's my ADHD or what, but it's soooo much easier to stay focused and maintain momentum when I'm all alone and know I won't have to change gears for a while.
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Are you comfortable sharing your motivations with him? With my ex, I felt this weird pressure against doing what I wanted to do because I would always stress about potentially going against her plans. It wasn't a good dynamic.
Surely they wouldn't object to you cleaning and would want to help you get that done, both because it's important to you and generally nice if someone else is doing the cleaning hehe.
Down size. Get rid of stuff you don't need. Not a total solution but helps.
I've always told people the most powerful cleaning tool you have in your home is the trash can.
I hate cleaning when my husband is home. He always wants to throw in his two cents and can't understand why I don't appreciate his advice. Or he will say he is working and can't I do something else? I have been the primary housecleaner for over 25 years, so he can stfu.
Do what my wife did: Exploit my mother's teachings about "cleaning out my own mess".
It really saves a lot of time and effort.
I often get scared that my wife will be judgemental of my cleaning while I’m cleaning.
Maybe there’s a paranoia that’s stopping you
Is it absolutely necessary to clean when your partner is home and not just spend time with them?
Not always, but if he’s off for more that 2 days in a row it’s definitely something that needs to get done
Maybe he should do it?
Unless it bothers both of you just relax together. There’s always time to clean.
so spend time togather when they are home, clean when they work.
I'm not seeing a problem unless your SO is a seasonal worker.
I can definitely relate to this. One thing I have found to help with productivity when your partner is home is to set specific goals for yourself and assign yourself time limits. If you have a list of tasks to complete and a time limit for each one, then you'll be more likely to stick with it and stay motivated to keep going. It also helps to have a reward system in place - like a break to watch your favorite show, or a treat at the end of a productive session. Good luck!
So your partner gets time off from work, but you don't?
Have him take the baby out for a walk in the stroller or to the park while you do a quick clean. Have him pick up lunch or dinner while he is out. Then when he gets back you can all relax together.
He can throw his own clothes in the wash. You are presumably washing your own clothes and his child's clothes, why can't he wash his own?
I would second identifying why you feel uncomfortable cleaning around him. Do you feel like your work is insignificant just because it’s inside the home? Do you think your work doesn’t count if it is imperfect? Are you embarrassed for him to see you cleaning? A lot of times people unconsciously devalue house work and domestic activity. This can be even more likely if you are a women who was told to go 50/50 your entire life, as you feel like you aren’t living up to the expectations of “equality”. Ask yourself if you would stop working on an accounting job if your spouse was present. If you wouldn’t stop then, maybe consider what your feelings are towards cleaning and why you may have them.
Your work, labor, and contribution to your family is valuable. Domestic labor is labor- and you are contributing to your family just like your partner is. You are pulling your weight. You are the creator and composer of the music for your family. Work is work, and you should be always proud of it- whether it’s inside or outside your home.
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Hire a cleaning person. Worth the money
I’ve had a cleaner in the past and omg was it ever!!! Unfortunately I can’t afford it right now but I’m definitely getting one when I have the extra cash flow
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Maybe your partner should be cleaning when they’re at home?
They definitely do their fair share of cleaning, cooking and childcare when they’re home! I’m a very messy person by nature so unless I keep up on my messes the house become a disaster, he is a very tidy person and having him cleaning up after me when he is home is okay sometimes, but is unfair to expect always
So your partner gets time off from work, but you don't?
Have him take the baby out for a walk in the stroller or to the park while you do a quick clean. Have him pick up lunch or dinner while he is out. Then when he gets back you can all relax together.
He can throw his own clothes in the wash. You are presumably washing your own clothes and his child's clothes, why can't he wash his own?
BaldBear_13 t1_je1dri3 wrote
First, congrats on figuring out the parenting routine. Plenty of people struggle to get anything done while taking care of a small child.
Your problem sounds like it is more about your motivations.
Do enjoy the company of your partner so much that you forget to clean? If so, maybe get them to join in?
Or you do not want to disturb him while you clean? Then identify the chores that you can do while they are there.
Or is it something about sharing the workload of chores? Like you feel it's their turn to clean? Or you do not want to pressure them into cleaning by doing it in front of them? That stuff is just something you need to talk about.