Submitted by mercurysnowman t3_ygink4 in LifeProTips
completely cutting them off is absolutely not an option here. whatever advice you have will be appreciated. thanks.
Comments
belongtotherain t1_iu91eb7 wrote
I agree. Be open. Not everyone has the same social awareness as others. Slowly cutting them off won’t help them in the long run.
You could literally just be like “Hey, I noticed that you’re really open with me about your life. I’m glad you can rely on me, but sometimes I’m dealing with my own stuff. Is there someone else you can talk to today?”
I know you said this friend is “immature” but they might be unaware of how draining their problem-dumping can be.
EDIT: Through reading the other comments, it looks like you’re in a university setting. Maybe ask them to see if they can attend low-cost therapy or even free therapy if your university offers it?
heavy-metal-goth-gal t1_iu9tkep wrote
This is how I feel about our housemate sometimes. She's alienated her own friends because her bf only likes hanging out with his and she's a push over. It's her own fault that we're the only ones left, but we hate the bf, and we don't care to hear about their stupid fights over nothing anymore. IDK why she picks the worst guys always. Terrible taste in men, this one has. But yeah, she just starts in on a rant without asking if we've got the spoons for it. I feel she also has a lot of maturing to do. She's mid twenties.
rexmaster2 t1_iu9z1ul wrote
Sometimes hearing the truth from those closest to them, never works. They will only listen if it comes from someone else.
I have bought this book for a few friends that have needed it, and it has changed their lives for the better. It is important that her bf not see this, or he will go on the offensive.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans.
And for those considering this book, it does not matter who the aggressor is. It matters that you don't allow the person closest to you treat you this way.
heavy-metal-goth-gal t1_iu9zct8 wrote
I'll look into that book, thanks for the recommendation!
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu902oa wrote
i know i should because that's the right thing to do but they severely lack maturity and would probably not take it as well as you did.
you might think im being presumptuous here but I've been through something similar before and i know from experience that confrontational approach does not work well when the person in question has a very childish way of thinking and even more childish way of responding
Chronically_Happy t1_iu96na1 wrote
I humbly suggest you may use this time to reflect on why you find yourself in this situation. What about that personality type draws you into relationship with them? Could you identify that behavior sooner to prevent this inevitable conflict?
I wish you peace. :-}
Grownuppieceofjizz t1_iu96u5c wrote
Do they take your advice if you give it, or are they just using you as a sounding board?
It’s a tough one if you want to keep the friendship. Boundaries are important in friendships just as much as they are in relationships.
I guess you could just limit your time around them where possible and hope they get the message.
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu988d0 wrote
yep. sounding board. they just want to engage in the most unproductive of conversations, ALL THE TIME.
and yes that is the plan, limiting my time around them and basically avoiding them till they get the hint.
Kat121 t1_iu9r7yg wrote
“Hey, we have talked about this person, this issue, this feeling a lot and none of my previous advice seems to be helping you. It may be above my pay grade as your friend to help you. It might be time to talk to an adult or a professional a about this.”
Turn the conversation towards their agency to make a change instead of focusing on what others are doing to them or how they feel. “That sounds terrible, what do you plan to do about it?” “There is nothing I can do, I am a powerless victim.” “That can’t be true, try to brainstorm a couple of ideas no matter how stupid. You’ll feel better.”
Also, there is a form of conversational “grey rock” where you kind of tune out and just reply “cool, bummer, or wow” to everything they say, offering nothing of yourself to the problem. It’s kind of a defense against the black arts reserved for people that just do not take a hint about over-sharing.
Vio94 t1_iubflr6 wrote
Soooo how is cutting them out of your life not an option? I hope you're actually getting something out of this friendship.
bart416 t1_iucnz85 wrote
>and yes that is the plan, limiting my time around them and basically avoiding them till they get the hint.
They won't get the hint, all it will do is make you seem more absent, slowly increasing the distance between you two, cutting them off slowly or frustrating them to the point where they cut you off. This method never works and might achieve something you don't want.
Before you do anything in particular, ask yourself: Does your friend even have anyone else to talk to about the issue at hand? Why is this so important to them? If you want someone to back off in terms of complaining it's often a good idea to look at the reason why they're complaining to you about something or someone.
pineapplecatlady24 t1_iu9uvs1 wrote
My mom is the same way it sounds like… I just stay away from topics that are triggering, avoid asking questions about conflict with them, just respond to things with 1 word answers that you don’t want to talk about any further or try to change the subject. Basically keeping the peace as much as you can. And also if that person is making decisions in their life that a obviously bad for them but they don’t want advice or want to change then learn to accept that you don’t have that control and if anything happens to them it’s not your responsibility in anyway because that’s not your life.
Spe333 t1_iubgruz wrote
“I think you need to talk to a professional” and recommending therapy isn’t a bad thing. Maybe word it how you think they would take it better?
But a good friend will tell you when it’s time to seek help. A great friend will push you to do it.
johnsontheotter t1_iuboe9i wrote
Fuck I wish that the person I called my best friend did that. One day they ghosted me. Never talked to me again. I still miss hanging out with them and it was 3 years ago. Found out through a mutual party that they said I was too sad. I was going through a lot and I thought I had a friend to turn to turns out they thought it was better to never talk to me again than tell me what I was doing.
Coyoteclaw11 t1_iubvpb4 wrote
Yeah... it really sucks when you misjudge your friend's boundaries and lose them as a result. I wish people wouldn't be afraid of setting clear boundaries. It's really hard to depend on people when you have a history of crossing boundaries no one told you about until they got sick of it and just left.
I get that it's kind of scary and that people don't want to be mean or rude or whatever but establishing boundaries isn't a bad thing. No one who genuinely cares about you and wants to be your friend wants to push you past your limits and make you suffer in silence. I don't want my friends to have to put up with me until they can't handle it anymore. But I also don't want to be afraid to talk to them.
johnsontheotter t1_iuc0xlf wrote
I try and tell myself I'm better off but I miss them from time to time. I learned from it and I think I'm a better person for it but it still hurts that there is no closure, nothing even when I tried to actually talk to them a year after it happened to hear their side of the story and nothing. However I feel that now I hide my emotions and real feelings from people.
bart416 t1_iucn8eg wrote
If I may be blunt here for a minute: that's kind of a douchebag move on their part, ghosting like that means they were probably never a real friend or have a horrible personality. You might not actually want that person in your life.
pileodung t1_iub7qsu wrote
Yes on the flip side of this,
My friend and I didn't have this conversation, which resulted in a six year friendship hiatus. We're cool again, but not like we were. I don't think we ever will be.
dayralio7 t1_iuc3g4d wrote
This comment hits close to home, for many years I was the emotionally draining friend. Part of it was that it's very hard to understand social interaction for me sometimes especially in introspection... What I mean is the very few times when someone was brutally honest with me and made me realize what I was doing, really helped me to become a better person. Always be honest with your friend, sometimes that's way more helpful.
BoomBaby200 t1_iu8ujex wrote
This
dream_weaver35 t1_iu8q2e4 wrote
We're lacking a lot of context here. Do you work with them? How close are you? How long have you been friends?
quazatron48k t1_iu8qm28 wrote
Also, why are they draining and separately, why would you not be able to cut them off if it turns out to be justified for your own mental health?
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu8z1v0 wrote
they are draining because they always want to talk about whatever drama is going on in their life, and they don't give two shits about me or my life. im just someone they use and use.
WickerBag t1_iu96wiv wrote
Here is what I did to someone like that. No guarantee that it will work for you.
When they start whining about their life, nod understandingly and ask "so what are you going to do about it?"
When they complain that they just need someone to vent to, frown disapprovingly and insist that they need to solve this problem. "Did you try this?" "Why did you do this?" "You should do this."
In short, stop being someone comfortable to talk to.
Now, i give this advice because you said that cutting them off was not on the table. Because today, I would just tell them to leave me tf alone with their whining and go about my own business. But I'm a cranky grown-ass woman now.
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu97yy3 wrote
this is an excellent strategy! and once I'm out of uni and have my own place and job I'm also going to become that cranky grown-ass woman. thank you.
mosquito_motel t1_iu9gn9r wrote
This is a universal struggle. Sometimes it can help to point out that "venting" is more like "whining without solutions" and no one wants to be whined to, so keep directing them into "problem-solving". Stay strong!
[deleted] t1_iu9uwld wrote
Alfred Adler used to say that to his patients, when someone is saying poor me, or they’re bad he’d just ask: what are you going to do about it? It’s the perfect way to answer because it snaps them out of it.
Hole-In-Six t1_iuboo82 wrote
That sounds like a real bad therapist. Imagine telling your cardiologist that your heart feels week and he says “sucks to be you“.
[deleted] t1_iuc7ple wrote
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rampartsblueglare t1_iubpzip wrote
Was in this situation last year and one day I asked the lady where our 3rd coworker was, always late 5 minutes before start. She told me that lady had kids and had to get them to school. And I said hmm thats convenient me too. So I began coming 5 minutes late like lady #3 and the complainer had to go talk to someone else in the building and not me. Stopped working for free and stopped listening to mayhem. I'd avoid energy vampires if at all possible
BAT123456789 t1_iub1zh7 wrote
The strategy I find works well, primarily with men, is to reply, "Aw, does your pussy hurt? Does it?" Either they laugh or they shut up. Either way, they don't burden you again.
surlygrrl42 t1_iua44pa wrote
This. My sister is an energy vampire and she gets all flummoxed and frustrated when you ask how she’s gonna address a problem directly (usually one that can be solved easily but she just likes to piss and moan about it.) Otherwise, she’ll go on ad nauseum about how she’s a victim. She’s not really looking to solve her problems; she’s looking for validation that the world is full of meanies and that she’s always being targeted by them.
TruckTires t1_iu9g7ra wrote
Ooo I like this part: "stop being someone comfortable to talk to".
bigredplastictuba t1_iu9mmsz wrote
Omgv though have you seen all the shares and memes going around that are like, shaming that approach? I constantly find myself in ops position, luckily pandemic allowed me to wean all these emotionally needy people out of my life, but they were constantly posting these cutesy things like "hi! Sometimes people just need to vent! DO NOT offer advice! It's not about you lol! Just shut up and listen - hair toss-" and I'm reading them sitting in my room shaking looking at my unread messenger notifications dreading people going "hi! So you have time to talk? Ok so bla bla AHEM PLEASE I DON'T NEED ADVICE I NEED A GOOD FRIEND TO LISTEN" sorry Jesus that shit was like TRAUMATIZING to me. I now deliberately only have like 1.5 friends. I wanted to tell them "hey if you just need someone to listen why don't you whisper your problems into a bottle and throw it into the ocean or something, this feels emotionally abusive to me"
WickerBag t1_iu9svbj wrote
I agree and disagree. I think the main point is, is the person who needs to vent your friend or not?
My friends can vent, whine and use me as an unpaid therapist any day. They have earned that right. But I have a well-curated, very short list of friends who can rely on me as much as I can rely on them. They care about me. They listen to my problems. We support each other.
With acquainces or friends-of-friends, it depends on how much I like them, but I will usually indulge them, say, the first one or two times. But after that I establish boundaries.
With a person like OP described, though, I would be very short. I have no patience for emotional leeches.
AKAstumblelina t1_iua54tt wrote
>why don’t you whisper your problems into a bottle and throw it into the ocean or something
howling!!! thank you, I needed that laugh!
bigredplastictuba t1_iuags1l wrote
Honestly I'm surrounded by the "witchy" community here so I've found ways to frame healthy personal advice as "spells" like this and getting my old roommates to actually clean up after themselves and stuff. "Oh you are trying to get a new job? You should like... sweep away all your bad luck... by sweeping the floors, and then get some really hot water and put some uh... mint and basil... and orange... and... some soap in it... and magically wash the floors with it while you visualize your goals" or "i find being late on rent generates really powerful negative energy that luckily is really easy to dissipate!"
SuitableCamel6129 t1_iu9o1a1 wrote
This is great advice! Thanks cranky woman
[deleted] t1_iu9rind wrote
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CloudedEyeCat t1_iuandou wrote
I also want to thank you for this advice. I once found that a friend wanted to vent, and I wanted solutions, so I corrected myself and later asked if they want solutions or vent. But I didn’t realize I could proactively use a solution-minded approach to get them to stop whining to me.
WickerBag t1_iub5nfm wrote
I'm glad you find this advice helpful. :)
Zesilo t1_iuc1lqa wrote
Yeah, your advise is really great for not cutting someone off, but I agree it is way easier to cut ties.
ToulouseDM t1_iu8zn6b wrote
Sounds like you really know the answer. You’ll run into stuff like this living in the dorms. If you know their schedule, stay at the library and study, change when you eat meals, find other friends (it’s college so that will probably happen naturally). It‘s easy to be around someone draining when new to school, looking for new friends is common, and it takes time to learn who people are. But making a few changes to your schedule can help…it did for me.
RainbowDonkey473 t1_iu96g2l wrote
What’s preventing you from saying exactly that? Why do you put up with the behaviour? This person finds you because you allow it in your life. Set some boundaries with yourself and with them. Be honest and tell them that their style of friendship weighs on you and it needs to change. If you can’t avoid them, you need them to change their behaviour. Or you need yourself to stop accepting it. But saying nothing about it to them hasn’t work for you so my advice is to discontinue your current strategy.
Phenotyx t1_iu9c8dv wrote
But not being their friend isn’t an option?
Get used to being used.
nano_singularity t1_iu9d7oa wrote
Blargh, one of my friends used to be like that. While he was very funny at times and just plain awesome, he never cared to listen about my own issues. I was always there for him but if the roles were reciprocated he would be like, “if you’re going to keep complaining about the same thing, I can’t help you” but like sir, you’re always complaining about the same thing like, huh?!
Eventually he cut ties with me because I left his party early with our other mutual friends and blamed me, not everyone else.
Life is much better and I no longer feel like I have to exert unnecessary energy or feel that pressure to behave a certain type of way just because this person has problems that are out of my control. While I’ve attempted to rekindle our friendship he allowed his ego get to the best of him and refused any sort of friendship, whatever, not my circus, not my problem.
Daveywheel t1_iuaofuv wrote
Then, why do you care about their feelings? Why do you have put up with this?
[deleted] t1_iua6kz6 wrote
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Creepiepie t1_iuam6le wrote
"wow cool, listen, Im not really in the mood for gossip/drama at the moment. Can we talk about Lego star wars?
TheFreakish t1_iubr1s0 wrote
Grey rock technique.
Sk1pp1e t1_iu920v0 wrote
Then you need to tell them to STFU. This is on you for not asserting your boundaries. Be abrupt if you have to.
flamingorider1 t1_iu921ok wrote
Ignorance is bliss. Works well for me.
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu8yvl2 wrote
their dorm room is next to mine and they consider me to be a very close friend. we have been friends for a few months
Jayayewhy t1_iu90h8c wrote
Dude I would have this conversation with my best friend and we've known each other for 25 years. You've known this person a few months! Tell them directly it's getting exhausting listening to them complain all the time.
DK_Boy12 t1_iu94i0m wrote
The only reason why cutting them off is not an option is because you don't want to have the tough talk.
[deleted] t1_iu95fsu wrote
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HiVisVestNinja t1_iu95x8y wrote
Then you know what the solution is. Would you rather have an awkward conversation now, or deal with his nonsense indefinitely?
TonyDungyHatesOP t1_iu944o8 wrote
Every time you talk with them say, “Great! And I can’t wait to tell you about what I have going on!”
Listen like you do and then say, “Great! So here’s what I have going on…”
They’ll either become an equitable friend or they’ll go find easier prey.
el-em-en-o t1_iu9c8ls wrote
They may not have many other friends because if their nature. You don’t have to be the “nice one” forever. One thing I know for sure: 1) they will not change; and 2) view this as practice. You’ll have other people and situations in your life where you’ll draw boundaries.
Fun_Amount3063 t1_iu9owvc wrote
Them being a neighbor doesn’t mean you can’t cut them off. It’s time to start growing up and learning how to have uncomfortable conversations.
You are not required to be friends with anyone. There is a difference between being polite and being friendly.
The more you drag your feet on this, the more you become like them.
TtK_Thanatos t1_iuatv6c wrote
The way I engage with people who complain all the time to an annoying level is at first I just completely stop engaging when they start up again. Don't reply to anything, no "uh-huh's" or "wow, that's crazy" or other obvious signs that you're not interested in anything they're saying. Instead now I just hijack the conversation and always try to steer it to something else. If they're the type of person who will eventually bitch and moan about any topic you try and change the convo to, they I just start straight up calling them out: "Hey you're complaining again" or "you're doing that thing with your mouth that sounds a lot like whining". If after all that, they still don't make a conscious effort to change their behavior, then just cut them off completely. Not worth the time and effort, especially if you've only known them for a few months. You might not realize this until your 30's, but the sooner you cut people out of your life that only cause/want to talk about drama all the time, the happier you will be. You have enough shit to worry about already with your school, your family, and your job, etc....
sassy_grandma t1_iubdp85 wrote
No one is entitled to your time and energy. The fact that they consider you a close friend does not override how you feel about them. You are party in this too, and your perspective matters just as much. Do not let them bully you into being their friend if you don't really want to be.
And even if you do want to be their friend, set some healthy boundaries. Talk to them and tell them how you feel, gently. If they react poorly and think you're an asshole for it, they weren't really your friend anyway - you were just their emotional punching bag. Maybe they will learn something from it. People grow and mature by learning from mistakes.
So what if they live next to you? The occasional awkward pass in the hallway is not as bad as getting your energy drained for several hours a week. They'll get over it.
Do not let people steamroll you like this. This is how you get into one-sided relationships. Please, please, please, value your time and mental energy more than that. You deserve it. Anyone deserves it.
Daveywheel t1_iuapsqm wrote
You owe them nothing…and you already know that you mean NOTHING to them…..This is so much easier that you’re letting it be.
cynzthin t1_iu9j4sd wrote
You can start a slow fade. Learning to set boundaries is learning
beachmom760 t1_iu93k7q wrote
I was the emotionally draining friend. I didn't know it until my friend told me. I was really hurt because I didn't know that it had been hard to be my friend, and I wished they would've said something sooner so I could correct myself. I really care about this friend. Our moms were pregnant with us at the same time. We've literally known each other since birth. So I took a few steps back. Looked at myself and what was hard about me for her. Turns out, I can't change the parts of me that are upsetting (I have a personality disorder, which I learned decades after she told me), but I can change how I interact with that person. So I did. Here we are at age 47, still very close friends.
Talking to your friend is the only way to go. It will be hard & uncomfortable, but you have to protect yourself. You can't control how your friend will react to this news, but hopefully they are self aware enough to be able to adjust how they are with you. Good luck!
lotusblossom60 t1_iu8zxnf wrote
You need to not worry about their feelings! They obviously don’t care about yours. You need to be honest. This is what grown ups do. Hey, buddy, all this dumping of negativity is really getting to me. I’m hoping we can talk about positive things, but if that can’t happen, I need to protect my own mental health. Every time they trap you with negativity, you walk away. Go to the bathroom. Walk outside, whatever you need to do. Life is way too short for this shit. You owe them nothing.
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu905so wrote
i needed to hear that. thank you.
Fletch-F-Fletch- t1_iualx2c wrote
This is the right way, in my opinion. Honesty!
i_know_tofu t1_iu9bnzb wrote
"To be really honest, I'm feeling really weighed down by the lack of positivity in our conversations. I need you to find someone who can actually support you with the issues you are dealing with. I can't only hear about the bad things".
OP....you need to realize this is who you are for them, someone to dump their shit on. Other people are getting other versions of them, the version that smiles and laughs and is helpful, and you are who they download garbage on. Don't be that person. Have a boundary. "Look, for every time you tell me something shitty about your life you are going to have to come up with a positive, too. I want to be your friend but this is not friendship".
It's going to end the 'friendship' because this is our role for them but...who gives a fuck. You'll be done.
Atreideslegacy t1_iu988wi wrote
Sorry, I’ve been feeling down lately. I don’t want to talk about anything negative. (Repeat the second sentence whenever she complains about something.)
Sorry, I’ve got to study/do some reading. I haven’t got time to chat.
You need to talk to someone about that. But not me.
chimp20 t1_iu8rima wrote
You have to slowly limit your time or exposure to this individual. Have plans already made or at least made-up plans if they ask to spend time with you. Over time they’ll get the hint.
OldestCrone t1_iu93rec wrote
Good suggestion. Keep your door closed and locked. Keep your keys and a jacket by the door, ready to grab. If the chronic complainer knocks, grab your stuff and say that you were just heading out—to see an instructor, to the library, to do some research— some place he won’t want to tag along. If he says he needs to talk, say you understand and recommend that he talk to the chaplain or other local religious leader. Send him to his counselor or dean or campus health; it doesn’t matter because you sympathize but you have nothing else to offer.
In actuality, this is a good opportunity for you to develop such techniques as there are always people who talk ad nauseum about their problems. They don’t care to whom they talk because they do not take any actions to resolve their problems. I don’t know if the talking makes them feel important or what, but once you become unavailable, they will find some other set of ears.
whi5keyjack t1_iu9l3w3 wrote
This would probably work, but you shouldn't have to run away from your own space because the other person might show up. I think it'll create a lot of anxiety about being in the dorm.
OldestCrone t1_iu9lz8c wrote
True, but once or twice should do it. He just has to physically be unavailable. The chronic complainer will not waste a lot of time finding a new set of ears.
fsociety091786 t1_iuadlw9 wrote
Yep this is the way to go. You don’t have to cut them off completely. I have a friend like this that used to rely on me constantly and stressed me the hell out, but nowadays we only hang out occasionally and it’s so much better. Glad to have him in my life but not to the extent it used to be. Just need to distance yourself from them and be less available.
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu8z5c6 wrote
yeah thats what I'm going to do
brewthecold t1_iu9h0qv wrote
Keep in mind, that not everybody is willing to take the hints and some people could just keep thinking that you are busy, but would still be excited to see them.
It's not like you shouldn't follow this advice, it's more like a warning, that sometimes you will see them reaching out to you longer, then one could expect.
silentflame911 t1_iual16b wrote
I think that it's important to be open and honest about what is going on if you care about the relationship.
I was the emotionally draining friend, and I didn't understand why my friend was avoiding me. I thought that she hated me, and it felt awful. We eventually talked about it and turns out she needed space to protect her own mental health. We were able to move forward from this and still be good friends after talking about it.
vonMemes t1_iu98q52 wrote
One of the things I consistently have to teach myself in life is that some moments of awkwardness are totally worth it when it makes literally everything else better.
rapkat55 t1_iu9lib7 wrote
Consider that they might have mental illness/depression and ignore all these toxic and immature suggestions.
just be a human and have an honest heart to heart with them. If they handle it poorly then they will leave you alone on their own accord. This gives them autonomy and clarity to reflect and change things.
Seriously, dodging, ignoring or being passive aggressive to someone who is obviously going through some stuff is shitty and only prolongs the issue if not makes it worse. Confrontation doesn’t mean you have to argue or belittle, it just means to approach and engage. How you choose to approach is what determines the tone and outcome.
Even if it’s not your responsibility to fix them i think the world would be a much better place if people came from a place of understanding. We are not going to be fun and energetic when we are struggling immensely, and even if the struggle can’t be immediately fixed, honesty and genuineness can go along way to putting things in to perspective for everyone involved.
Booboodelafalaise t1_iu93l79 wrote
Make sure that you reward any positive or even neutral comments, with enthusiasm and approval. If they start making negative comments make minimal replies or or even refuse acknowledgement. It’ll be a long haul, but eventually they should get the message from all the subliminal training you’re giving them.
Good luck OP, you’re a very nice person but remember it’s okay to just say “no” sometimes.
diavirric t1_iu9mci7 wrote
I knew a woman who used to regularly report to me the latest occurrence of abuse by her boyfriend. I eventually realized she was using me as a kind of dumping ground for her traumas and I told her that I cared about her and that it hurt me to hear these stories and she would have to find someone else for this purpose and that I hoped it would not affect our friendship but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told her if she got serious about leaving him I would be there for her but it didn’t seem she was ready to take that step. We stayed friends and she eventually left him, and I do think she just hadn’t thought about the effect her complaining had on other people.
Dismas5 t1_iu8u5q3 wrote
Become stronger, help them become stronger, develop hobbies you can do with or without them, and try changing your perspective.
Captain490 t1_iu9mruz wrote
Honesty. Be honest. Brutally honest. They may thank you some day. Probably not, but you won't have to listen to their crap anymore.
Surround yourself with people who increase your positive energies. Avoid those who drain your positive energies.
Lumpy-Spinach-6607 t1_iu9v7rp wrote
Any advice for if you live with a landlord who is mpstly reasonable but in times of their personl stress, act nastily passively aggressive with you?
I just get so triggered when Im unable to respond to defend myself because of the current power imbalance which returns me to my childhood emotional and SA at the hands at my parents?
My heart races, I tremble with fear and anger and feel my internal emotional reaction is out of my control...
Captain490 t1_iuae9zq wrote
Multiple aspects to comment on...
First. Move. Yes you can get your own place. Find an inexpensive studio. Work a second part time job if you have to. Its your choice to live where you do. Move.
Next. I 100% believe our brains are muscles our inner self controls. Its not always easy, but I control how I feel. Fear is controllable. Anxiety is controllable. You are choosing to be afraid. Choosing to be a victim. Choosing to be intimidated. Work at controlling your emotions. All of us can. Empower yourself.
Take a free self defense class. Watch YouTubes on self defense. Become situationally aware. Do whatever you need to do to become more self confident. Consider getting firearm training. Avoid intimidating situations. Start embracing philosophies such as "Lions not Sheep". Wear empowering slogans on t-shirts. Focus every moment on becoming the strong person you want to be. It will happen. And much faster than you think.
Focus on you. Change everything. Sacrafice. Work hard. You will become the confident person you want to be.
Start today.
Lumpy-Spinach-6607 t1_iub8wkw wrote
Thank you very much. Great advice. So apprecoative of your knowledge and time.
acfox13 t1_iuazwf9 wrote
You may be dealing with a covert/vulnerable narcissist.
Here is my collection of resources around dealing with narcissists:
"Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on setting boundaries with difficult people.
7 options when you can't go no contact
10 rules for surviving life with a narcissist
10 things to never do with narcissists
5 mistakes we make when dealing with a narcissist
How to set and keep boundaries with a narcissist
10 ways to set boundaries with a narcissist
Why setting boundaries with a narcissist is so hard
Soul Distancing to protect yourself from narcissists
YouTube channels on narcissism and abuse tactics:
Dr. Ramani - amazing resource on narcissistic behaviors
TheraminTrees - great resource on abuse tactics
Rebecca Zung - a lawyer that got fed up with dealing with narcissists in her practice, so she started teaching others how to negotiate with them. I find her motivational.
Jay Reid - lots of great videos to help understand the narcissistic perspective. Plus ways to "fight back" and act from your values.
Danish Bashir - has a very good understanding of narcissistic mindset
Surviving Narcissism (Dr. Carter) - I like his acronym of DR.C Dignity, Respect, and Civility, and his message of peace. And I think he sometimes misses how the toxic person can twist things around on you.
_Mortal t1_iu9203z wrote
Set boundaries and limits. 'i won't talk about x or y' If they don't care about you, why are you friends. Legit answer the question.
kemmicort t1_iu9ahht wrote
Learning to set personal boundaries and navigate relationships efficiently should really be a mandatory college class.
Figure out the best way to make your friend understand that their continuous venting is causing you stress. It’s called dumping, and it should always be prefaced with something like “can I vent to you for a minute?” Asking consent allows you to decide whether you have the bandwidth to take on their stress, or not - “sorry but I’m pretty stressed myself and I just don’t have the mental energy/bandwidth right now, but I hope it gets better for you.”
Having the social awareness that they’re not just getting something off their chest, but also laying it on your shoulders, is a priceless life lesson. You owe it to yourself and the rest of civil society to teach that lesson.
IWishIHavent t1_iu9hbmr wrote
You have to be real, both with yourself, and with this friend. Check yourself for why is this person draining you. Check with your self if this relationship is even good for you. Share your findings with them in a honest but gentle manner.
Either this friend will realize something they never did, or the friendship will end. In any case, it is a win for you.
Whatwillwebe t1_iu90c0l wrote
Just start farting everytime they try to talk to you.
BoJackB26354 t1_iu92r06 wrote
That plan could backfire
captainshado t1_iu96f1b wrote
Quite literally
Raddamn t1_iu938e3 wrote
Train them like a dog. Every time they start talking about something that's draining, tell them you have to go do something, and leave the conversation. Go to the library. Go to the dining hall. Go for a walk. If they're as immature as you say, conditioning like this may work fairly quickly.
Quinquilharia t1_iu95and wrote
By saying completely cutting them off is absolutely not an option, I’m inclined to believe that they have some control over you that you’re not admitting to
mercurysnowman OP t1_iu95nxa wrote
we're going to be living in close quarters for a long time, literally, her dorm room is next to mine. i don't want to make things awkward.
BizzarduousTask t1_iu9rju8 wrote
Dear heart, things are ALREADY AWKWARD.
Now’s the time to put your foot down and nip this in the bud or it’s going to ruin your whole school year. Tell them “I’m sorry, but I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, and I just don’t have the emotional energy to be a sounding board for anybody right now. I have to go.” and then turn and walk away. Don’t give them a chance to ask questions or try to get your attention- literally walk away.
If they’re a decent person, they’ll accept it and leave you alone. WIN. If they’re a selfish asshole, they’ll be pissed and stop talking to you. ALSO WIN.
Quinquilharia t1_iugx1oh wrote
It sounds like you need to establish a boundary right up front. Because otherwise you’re going to be living with this for the duration.
’‘ I appreciate that you need to vent, but I’ve got my own things going on, and this is too much. “ You don’t have to be mean about it, but you do have to say something.
This person is taking advantage of your politeness. You don’t owe them an explanation. Just tell them you don’t have the bandwidth to be their emotional support person.
tsun_tsun_tsudio t1_iu95l5l wrote
Start talking about yourself nonstop. One up them as often as you can. Always make the convo about you. "Study" for hours on end. Pretend to be at work all the time. Eventually they'll start to enjoy speaking to you less and less and fade away to find another victim.
You don't owe them anything, least of all your time.
marblecannon512 t1_iu96fj7 wrote
Boundaries. “I see you want xyz, honestly I’m feeling emotionally drained, I can’t give you that validation today.”
Or “when you do this, or that, I feel blank. In the future I’d rather you didn’t do that around me.
Life_Addendum t1_iu97ixq wrote
It might be a little bit brutal, but next time they start over sharing don’t respond. Simple “mmhm” and/or changing the topic will do. You can always just abruptly walk away.
I think the baseline is not to engage in the conversation. Just to clarify; don’t be rude, but send a strong message that you don’t want to talk about their problems at this time.
They should quickly notice that you are not willing to participate.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Setting up boundaries are important for every person, and you should take this as an opportunity to learn/practice how to do it properly.
Good luck!
Beherit_ t1_iu9a2ro wrote
Drop them motherfuckers out of your life and work on yourself. NO reason to let them drag you down with them. It ain't your damn duty to fix them.
STAY HARD
desighful t1_iu9mvye wrote
life is too short to deal with people that don’t bring you joy or safe space. be upfront and transparent about how they make you feel, because more than likely they aren’t aware. and if they are aware and don’t care, then you need to distance yourself, no matter how complicated it’ll be. it’s ok to prioritize yourself.
Time-Object-9292 t1_iu9wiia wrote
Communicate how you feel. Commmmunnnnication is key. If they don’t respond well, then you don’t need narcissist friends.
rhymes_with_snoop t1_iua6f7i wrote
Every time she brings stuff up, suggest a therapist.
"That sounds rough, have you thought of talking to a therapist?"
"It sounds like you're dealing with a lot. Did you look into a therapist yet? They can be really helpful."
"Geez... this seems beyond me, you'd be better off with a professional."
Friend: I don't want to get a therapist, I just need a friend to listen.
"You have a lot to talk about, and it's beyond what you should expect from a friendship, not that I don't want to help. The occasional shoulder to cry on is one thing, but you have stuff you need to address, and that's just above my paygrade. It's not healthy for you or our relationship, either. Want me to help you find one?"
HobbyistRaven t1_iuaz6ko wrote
Just talk to them about it.
Let them know that you’re not in a place where you have the headspace for this, and be specific about what’s draining for you. Try to be thoughtful in how you phrase it, make a lot of “I feel x way when you do this action” sort of statements. It helps keep blame off of them in the dialogue (which is helpful because it can reduce defensiveness) because you’re not telling them “you make me feel this” and is instead you telling them that their action is having an effect they didn’t intend.
if they give a fuck, they’ll try to be mindful of it.
If they don’t, and aren’t, then you 100% have a good reason for just being extremely business-like with them.
keepthetips t1_iu8oftw wrote
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
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Tvmouth t1_iu95hk1 wrote
Are you buying food for each other? Are you dependent in any way that is not a friendship courtesy? If all the words and conversations dissipated, is there any benefit that you will miss? Are you learning from this person because they are "bringing something to the table" or are you learning to have a smaller table?
Careless-Ad-8854 t1_iu96qvd wrote
Yawn when they talk of stuff you dislike.
Or get up and go for a glass of water, or a fake toilet break.
Or tell them you don't like to discuss these issues.
Or change the subject.
They will get a hint if you don't engage, comment or show interest....
Hellyeahlalujah t1_iu988di wrote
Set some boundaries. Maybe set a time limit for that sort of talk.
browncode t1_iu996ua wrote
Do some research on setting boundaries. You’re going to need this skill throughout your life and this sounds like a good person to practice on.
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Kiashee t1_iu9dz5h wrote
You should look up the "gray rock" technique. Basically you behave like a rock; very short answers, no input and validation whatsoever. Works like a charm.
Jujunem t1_iu9fa12 wrote
Match what they say with a happy awesome thing that’s happening to you- every single time- they will start talking to you less quick -Remember EVERY TIME
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MJohnVan t1_iu9i0y6 wrote
Give them advices. Straightforward. So you stayed with him knowing from the beginning he’s abusive? Aren’t there other men around or is he the only one there. I mean inmates don’t have much choices. But you act like one. I promise you this works like a charm
Coocoo4cocablunt t1_iu9iqst wrote
Lol wtf stop hanging out with people like that how is that not an option. So you're gonna sacrifice your own health for the betterment of theirs?
chinmaku t1_iu9k224 wrote
Just be honest. next time they start up tell them you don't want to hear about no drama and you're trying to have a positive day. If you don't set boundaries, there will be none
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bbz00 t1_iu9lqu4 wrote
Energy bubble. Don't shoulder the bad vibes
k9moonmoon t1_iu9o0w4 wrote
I just say "oh I'm not a very good audience for that type of talk." And don't engage with it.
Shanehombre t1_iu9oicq wrote
Humor the truth. Make it funny.
Fine_Cause_1713 t1_iu9p1bk wrote
Read “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Tawwab. That book literally changed my life.
SirGourneyWeaver t1_iu9pimh wrote
as others have said, be honest, an honest friendship is a lot better
vivavivaviavi t1_iu9pjfu wrote
Try not to meet them in the earlier part of your day. By the time you meet them, make sure you have taken care of your top 3s or at least the top 2s.
That’s a decent strategy. It applies to any adverse situation that you dread in your day.
bearslikeapples t1_iu9qzc8 wrote
See on a non daily basis
SmithRune735 t1_iu9rpa7 wrote
Start being busy. "Sorry, I got to do ____ and I don't have time". "Not right now, I got to go, maybe later".
EquanimitySurfer t1_iu9w5mh wrote
firm communication about your boundaries and acceptance that it's gonna get hella more uncomfortable before it gets better.
i found an approach that works, especially if the conversations or vibes might entail a lot of venting or wasteful negative exchanges is asking them before they run-off:
Are you looking for comfort or solutions?: as in (your boundary), i don't have the emotional energy to hear your bitching kinda thing lol, but if you want to have a healthy conservation, we can work on solutions together.
concretemike t1_iua08hz wrote
If they are a good friend why not sit down and talk this out with them? If they are really a friend, they would want to hear what you think their shortcomings are.
Anyone who drains you emotionally needs to hear this from you, because they are doing it to others too.
Supercc t1_iua1usb wrote
Talk with him about it
Lurker-O-Reddit t1_iua3qka wrote
A great quote I once read: “The success you have in life will largely be determined by the amount of uncomfortable conversations you’re willing to have.”
jdith123 t1_iua4liv wrote
If you are a “sounding board” you could try being a bad one. Instead of offering sympathy or criticism, try just not reacting at all.
Just say oh. Not yes, not no, just a non-reaction.
My boyfriend is an asshole, That must be awful It is… let me tell you all about it.
My boyfriend is an asshole Maybe you should leave him But I love him…let me tell you why
My boyfriend is an asshole Oh He did this to me Oh I love him Oh What should I do? I don’t have anything to say
Jumpy_Ask9399 t1_iua540y wrote
Show them this post .
PartyCat78 t1_iua64wq wrote
There’s a difference between confrontation and setting boundaries. A lot of the presentation is the approach.
livelongjune t1_iua7bjz wrote
Set boundaries-either through a conversation with them or noting in your mind what you personally, are willing to tolerate. And manage your expectations of them.
futuredarlings t1_iuabhr1 wrote
I think if you don’t want to confront them directly about it, just become a little difficult. Start using phrases like “you’ll be fine” or “people have it worse.” Stuff you wouldn’t want to hear if you are complaining. Or if they’re complaining about someone say “I don’t know, I can definitely see where they are coming from..”
magbaloney t1_iuabhx2 wrote
Start slowly building respectful boundaries.
mxmaker t1_iuabm9q wrote
You can always Muffassa the shit out of her, like deers and all and you say "Long live the king" and then she falls.
mercurysnowman OP t1_iuacggm wrote
see, now this is the kind of advice i came looking for, thanks my guy!
edit : gonna try this tomorrow and will let you know if it worked
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mommadragon72 t1_iuaihc5 wrote
Set boundaries, and verbalize them. I know things have been hard for you lately, and I know you need to vent but I need to limit there amount of time I listen. Then give them 10 minutes to vent. Or change the dynamic, I hear you are struggling right now, what can I actually do to help? Do you need a safe place to vent or help with solutions? I can hold space for you but I need to keep myself healthy
Lognn t1_iuamtkc wrote
Excuses to not see on daily basis
KindredKaty t1_iuaptse wrote
People treat us how we allow them to.
I’ve learned as a person who has both been silent and dissociative, and later after lots of therapy, the more open blabber monster.
Typically the blabber stems from a search for connection, and with some particular people, they may feel uncomfortable in silence due to many possible reasons.
A very close friend of mine once, after a shift of work together, on the drive home, said “I’m exhausted, I’m not going to waste my time with people who drain my energy any more”. That cruelty really hurt, I apologized immediately and descended into rumination. I asked her to make her needs known and set boundaries as I am not a great interpreter of “hints”. She cried the next day and apologized and said that she had been tired, and values our friendship. We are still good friends and I’ll tell you one very important thing: Kindness without honesty is manipulation And Honesty without kindness is just cruelty
Lastly, while I hear a lot of people saying to say “what are you gonna do about it?” Nothing could possibly feel more disconnecting than that if you feel powerless to a stressor. I’d go with instead using validation and encourage that person to accept the struggle, and move forward anyway. Not because it will get easier, but because it’s okay for things to be bad, and there aren’t easy solutions, speak from your own experience.
If you don’t care to have a connection with that person, there’s no justification you need to set a boundary, that’s your side of the street.
Rossiii t1_iuas9l1 wrote
What about if you can't tell them?
My best friend has PTSD and severe depression and alcoholism after a work accident..
His family/life is falling apart and it's horrible to watch..
Spending time with him is painful AF but I feel obligated as he has no one else other than me and one other of the boys
DebrsLO t1_iuashyj wrote
I told my roommate/friend after 2 o3 months of hime crying and rehashing all of his life trauma that he needs to book an appointment with a psychologist. They are better at listening and deal with daily psychic pain. Nothing really bad, just common bad family dynamics. He never went but has stopped because he knows that I will tell him the same thing every time.
megapillowcase t1_iuavnfk wrote
Tell them? If they can’t accept it, then you probably shouldn’t be friendly enough for them to lean on.
lawrensu339 t1_iuaxb9o wrote
Find a corner of time and space where you can be you and do you things while they are not around.
People are emotionally exhausting, so you need to replenish what makes you you and what you enjoy, or they will drain you dry. Which isn't good for either person.
Mycatisadouchecanoe t1_iuayjbd wrote
Tell Colin Robinson I said hi
kittenfordinner t1_iuaz05r wrote
I know you sat it'd not an option, but you do need to set limits
payfrit t1_iub14ab wrote
cut them off completely.
if it's absolutely not an option to cut someone off, you should have cut them off long ago.
sexygenghis t1_iub2247 wrote
my girlfriend is afflicted with narcissistic victim abuse syndrome. her daughter forged a quit claim deed, stuck this senior woman with a 40 year mortgage, both daughters abandoned & isolated her after a massive smear campaign. reported her to adult protective services as demented & me as a gigolo that drugs her. they tried to get guardianship over her finances, both son-in-laws have threatened me physically & vandalized my truck. she finally engaged a lawyer but it's questionable if she will actually take action against her daughter. I've been dealing with her trauma bond for iver a year. a couple counselors trued to help her get through but this pathology is thick & deep. feels like I've been paddling a life boat & she keeps jumping back in the shark infested water.
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lovemybeaches143 t1_iub3tr3 wrote
Why can’t you cut them off?
guanogato t1_iub3yxu wrote
Why is it not an option? I would have a talk with them though. Make sure you are kind but honest and I think it will be okay. Most people I find really like an honest friend who is willing to go into stuff like this, even if it is difficult.
sometimeagreatnotion t1_iub4hl1 wrote
It could be entertaining to think about, “what would George Costanza do, if this was an episode of Seinfeld?” Or “what would Larry David do if this was an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm?”
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toronto-bull t1_iub52rb wrote
Is there a way to avoid seeing them on a daily basis?
Ok-Marzipan-9846 t1_iub6ba2 wrote
Chances are they know they are using you as an emotional tampon. Most people won't entertain their bs, and they will use you as an emotional dumping ground
I would just tell them to seek counseling as you have better things to do and don't want to be dragged down by their negativity.
This is how my dad was with me. I used to try and listen and give advice, but he never did take the advice and only ruined my mindset. My other siblings are more nefarious than me and would use that information against, criticize him or even turn the tables and start unloading on him. The only thing that put a stop to that was having firm boundaries and cutting him out of my life for not respecting those boundaries.
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matycauthon t1_iubcstp wrote
Are they someone that really needs your responses? I'm the kind of person that just kind of texts my thoughts to a feq of friends and don't really need responses. Honestly it's more of a thing they can take if they want or not. Just pulls of information, might help them might be something to ignore, doesn't matter, doesn't affect my relationships.
antwonllama t1_iubd3i2 wrote
Set a time boundary at the beginning of the conversation. “I’d love to talk but I’ve got 10 minutes. “
That way you have an out and an end.
ontheroadtv t1_iubih99 wrote
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So_Many_Words t1_iublpu7 wrote
Look into grey rocking and see if that would be helpful?
Gullible_Opposite_76 t1_iubmcso wrote
You can either help them resolve their issues so they shut up or tell them to practice silent moody. If they are radiating silent moody I suggest taking the opportunity to become a sturdy pillar of chill.
Dry_Entertainment646 t1_iubmuao wrote
I was in a similar situation and I’d just always be focused on something around them. Or I’d wear headphones a lot. That’s a “leave me alone” singnal. Idk just look too busy to engage. It won’t always work but maybe half the time
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BusydaydreamerA137 t1_iubq33l wrote
It’s mean to say but if talking to them doesn’t work (even if they are immature about it, sometimes they clue in later), sometimes you just need to tune them out if you can. Half-listen and give yourself the mental space you need.
rdev009 t1_iubu3eh wrote
Can you do an activity while being with them? Like walking around a mall and shop, riding a stationary bike, miniature golf, walk in the park/around a neighborhood etc. to take the pressure of some of the focused energy? I fully realize that the stuff I mentioned may not be up your ally but I’m just introducing some options. Besides, perhaps participating in an activity may give them an outlet for what they’re feeling.
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DonDonStudent t1_iuc6ygz wrote
Just move on it’s rubbish to be with energy vampires
NorthCountryGirl75 t1_iuc8ljv wrote
it’s interesting to hear this from the other side. in the last two years my life has had profound upheaval - divorce, immigrating, supporting a parent through dementia and now through cancer - i sometimes wonder if being sad about any of it is reasonable. my instinct was to never talk about it to anyone and to mask and be doing great cheers bc i had a feeling no one would give a shit. it’s funny bc the advice on the other side is ‘lean on your friends! that’s what they are there for!. looks like my instinct to keep my feelings and grief to myself were spot on, ha
mercurysnowman OP t1_iuc914v wrote
don't do that, of course you should be able to talk about these things with your friends. it would be a problem if you only talked about the negative stuff.
i do hope things get better for you :)
Slow-Anybody-5966 t1_iuca0tz wrote
Distance yourself as much as possible, giving uninterested responses, dry conversation. When they ask what’s wrong, express that you’ve gotten very busy and you’re tired. I have successfully done this with friends that I never thought I could do this to. Trust the process
justtrashtalk t1_iuce2bi wrote
my friend felt like one due to extreme mental illness but after five years of therapy i realized i was the drain by doing shadow work. we took summer off while she dated and i found another job to avoid getting laid off. I lack an SO but will find a therapist despite not wanting to
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Streacher t1_iud3yfm wrote
Excommunicado is the only solution. You don't need vampires in your lives, they are not your friends.
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distinguishedgents t1_iue3n12 wrote
advise them to talk to a therapist
My_Joobie t1_iu8x0wj wrote
Think of your friend as an exercise in developing more patience. Try to see the humor in her/his conversation whenever you can. Take good breaths and try not to buy into whatever rhetoric is being said. Stay emotionally detached while employing a few rehearsed phrases that lets your friend know that you are hearing the words. Try to redirect the conversation frequently to something positive and unrelated. The above list works for me knowing that I can’t change the person, but don’t want to be rude. I look at the situation as an opportunity to better myself through patience, calmness and humor.
DueAdhesiveness1229 t1_iu9by9j wrote
Attack back samewise. Ignore him.
Sweet-Tea-Lemonade t1_iu9ezpj wrote
Cut ties. What the heck
Kilashandra1996 t1_iu9i8fh wrote
The lady in the office next me at work is a chronic talker. When she's out sick, people (myself included) say it's quiet because she's not there. As an introvert, I do find her rather draining. If I have a story / problem, she's had it worse. And she won't hesitate to tell you how she dealt with it and move onto what's going on in her life.
I let her ramble for as long as I can take it. And then "I've got to get some work done." At first I had to pointedly turn towards my computer and ignore her. She's now responding better and will leave my office before I have to get rude.
Plus I've gotten to know her better and can tolerate her better. : )
Now my actual real friend who has hated her jobs for the last 15-20 years but won't change her life? I just let her ramble on about how she hates her job, she hasn't ever had a pay raise, and her boss sticks her with all the bad jobs just because she's late every day. Yeah...
Nothing I can do to fix that! But she is my friend so continue to let her ramble... Yes, I have tried suggestions and questions. She knows she needs to update her resume and look for jobs. But she doesn't do it. Not much I can do for her other than let her talk.
Anyway, my suggestions for you are put up with your person for a little bit or just let them ramble as needed. If your person is truly a friend you really want to keep, maybe you put up with a little more. If your person is just somebody you don't want to piss off, maybe put up with a little less. : )
Grownuppieceofjizz t1_iu8sm6a wrote
Honestly, just tell them. I went through a rough patch a long time ago and leaned on my best friend more than I should have. Luckily she told me and I’m a lot more mindful of it now.