LPT: Look for friends, not for soulmates while (online) dating!

Submitted by Captain_Kyra t3_yai1be in LifeProTips

TL;DR: My best advice, don’t search for a soulmate or “the one” while browsing dating apps. Instead, just look for nice and/or interesting people to meet up (date) with and who knows, maybe eventually you find what you were looking for :)

Edit: When you start dating someone, my advice would be to not try to find your soulmate at the first few dates you have with someone. The new people you meet, the new things you might learn… it should never feel like utterly wasted time when it turns out someone is not “the one”!

That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be looking for someone you can share your life with, but I noticed the best mindset while creating your profile and swiping left and right, is to just meet nice new people and not necessarily to find your future soulmate. For me, it made for a better connection with my now partner when we were dating.

I found my lovely partner on Bumble, but the reason I swiped right (it’s right, right?) is because I thought he would be a fascinating person to meet, and not because I saw immediate future husband material in his profile. And afterwards he told me he thought the same about me.

Turns out, we both just wanted to enjoy each other’s company, without the immediate expectation and pressure to be each other’s soulmates (and no, not in a one night stand kind of way, we didn’t even have sex the first few dates). It made our first date (and all after that) more than fantastic, and we’ve now been living together for quite some time and even added a little doggo to our home!

He was of course not the only person I dated, and with the rest of the bunch I just had a nice time! Learned some new things, saw some new perspectives, etc.

Edit: Even my lesser dates were interesting in some way. Sometimes it just gave me a good laugh afterwards, other times I found new placed in the town I lived in for over 10 years and some of them taught me new things or gave me refreshing insights, even when I would definitely not see them as long term romantic partners.

I know a lot of people have way less luck than I had while dating, but I also want people to hear the (non life partner related) success stories about dating apps!

I know this won’t work for everyone, but it did for me :)

Hope this story helps or at least fill some people with hope. Have a lovely day and make new friends wherever you go! 💕

Edit: This advice is meant specifically for people who ARE eventually looking for their soulmate/life partner or whatever. You can be searching for “the one” without adding that pressure onto every date you have. It is essentially a very go with the flow mindset. This does not apply to people who just want to have a fling for some time. Sorry if I didn’t clarify that the first time :)

Edit: I do NOT mean let’s be friends first and fully get to know each other before getting together. What I meant to say was, just don’t put pressure on first dates to meet “the one”. Go to your first date with a mindset like: I am just going to hang out with (hopefully) a nice person. If it romantically/sexually clicks, then hell yeah. If it doesn’t? No wasted time, still enjoyed hanging out with this person.

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[deleted] t1_itb68m9 wrote

I think you really have to be a go with the flow person or not be looking to find a long term partner to have this mindset.

It’s hard to date these days as it is and people don’t say that for no reason.

These people voice this because people ghosts each other now, aren’t forthcoming about what they’re looking for or are just afraid to speak up.

Like I said, if you ARENT looking for something serious then this is great advice, but if you want something serious and aren’t open to other options, then this isn’t for those people to be honest.

Can’t tell you how many people I came across who were open to friends if things didn’t work out/go with the flow and wasted my time when I wanted something more serious. Of course I’m not in the game of holding a home hostage and let them go. 😂

Some people are cool starting off as friends and I’m not judging.

But I’d rather be in the “let’s get to know each other stage” before calling each other friends because I don’t fall in love with my friends and I don’t fuck my friends personally.

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Spinningwoman t1_itb6s7u wrote

What I think you are missing, though, is that this may be the best strategy for finding a serious partner too. If you go into each relationship feeling that it is wasting your time if it isn’t ‘the one’, you may actually be sabotaging the chance of ‘the one’ developing.

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[deleted] t1_itb777g wrote

I just don’t agree with this post. Telling people not to look for a life or serious partner on dating apps is a tad bit weird for me because a lot of people get with people with the intention of having a life partner.

Also not everyone starts off as friends either or WANTS to do so. I don’t fuck my friends. If we’re friends, we’re friends and I have no intentions of moving past that stage.

We can be in the let’s get to know each other stage. I’m cool with that.

But advising people to not actively search for someone serious is just a weird stance to try to pass off as advice.

Now what works for them is cool. I’m not judging and I’m glad they’ve found someone they love.

But I’d just never advise people to not search for a serious relationship or something serious overall if their goal IS to find something serious.

A lot of people are on apps or doing it face to face for that reason and searching for something serious was never the issue.

Like I said if some people personally don’t get on apps to do that then more power to them. But I wouldn’t give this as across the board advice. It’s not realistic.

People are on dating apps to find something serious aside from the people want friends or a hook up but 9 times outah 10 will make that known.

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Spinningwoman t1_itb7g2i wrote

It feels like you read the tl/dr but not the rest of the post. But maybe we just read it differently.

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Captain_Kyra OP t1_itb7wx4 wrote

I can understand where you’re coming from! I am a very serious type when it comes to dating. I won’t just keep romantically hang out with someone if I know it’s not going to be it for the long game. That would be unfair for the both of us.

But when you start dating someone, my advice would be to not try to find your soulmate at the first few dates. The new people you meet, the new things you might learn… it should never feel like utterly wasted time!

Even my lesser dates were interesting in some way. Sometimes it just gave me a good laugh afterwards, other times I found new placed in the town I lived in for over 10 years and some of them taught me new things or gave me refreshing insights, even when I would definitely not see them as long term romantic partners!

Hope this clears up my post a bit!

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Nakitu-Michichi t1_itbhefj wrote

In addition to OP, don't treat dates like job interview where you try to present yourself in the best light possible. That way you will have to be inauthentic and keep up the facade which is draining. It's cliché, but just be yourself. They need to like you the way you are for the relationship to work.

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keepthetips t1_itb5zwa wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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more_beans_mrtaggart t1_itb8ana wrote

Many people get the idea of friends becoming partners eventually, and that “getting to know someone” as a friend first is far easier pressurewise.

Lots of guys think this is a way forward.

Ladder theory and experience says otherwise. It very rarely works out. It’s a huge mental leap for most female brains to go from friend to partner.

Sure it happens, but usually it doesn’t.

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Captain_Kyra OP t1_itbbhf6 wrote

I’m not necessarily saying start as friends, than become partners. More like just don’t put pressure on first dates to meet “the one”. Go to your first date with a mindset like: I am just going to hang out with (hopefully) a nice person. If it romantically/sexually clicks, then hell yeah. If it doesn’t? No wasted time, still enjoyed hanging out with this person.

That way you take the pressure away of having to meet the right/perfect person, and just enjoy the company you have right now.

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fleja t1_itcfj9l wrote

This seems like horrible advice tbh.

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Captain_Kyra OP t1_itcl6b4 wrote

Could you elaborate on that? Would like to hear your perspective :)

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Njtotx3 t1_itejeib wrote

My marriage ultimately dissolved because I felt like I'd married a best friend but she wanted the soul mate.

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Captain_Kyra OP t1_itg8a87 wrote

I’m sorry that happened to you, hope you’re doing okay though

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queenslayer6969 t1_itcfn3d wrote

Doing this gets me friendzoned. When you're competing with other men who just jump in and go for it, being the "lets be friends first" vibe usually doesnt work in my experience. It did work once. 1 in 6 lol

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Captain_Kyra OP t1_itcligb wrote

I added some more info at the end of the post. I didn’t mean let’s be friends first, than become partners. Just keep the pressure low by thinking of your first date as having fun and casually getting to know each other and not “having to meet the one”. :)

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