LPT: When someone you know casually loses someone, read the obituary and comment on something specific.

Submitted by dbsgirl t3_y7q2hj in LifeProTips

Many of us have felt the awkward moment when someone you are casual friends or acquaintances with loses someone they were close to - what to say? It feels underwhelming sometimes to drop another "sorry for your loss" into the pot - though there is nothing wrong with that and I assure you, your sympathy is still felt and appreciated.

But if you're tempted to not say anything due to wishing you had something "better" to say, then use either your personal knowledge (recollection of any stories or mentions by your friend about the deceased) or read the obituary once posted.

It lets the acquaintance know you really took a moment out to consider their pain and learn/remember the person that has shuffled off this mortal coil.

Examples: Wow Friend, it sounds like your whole town will feel this loss with all they've done for local charities and fixing up cars for people in need. I know woodworking isn't a common habit, it sounds like they were very talented!

Or

Oh man, Friend I'm so sorry. I remember well the story you told me about your fishing trip together and how they made you laugh so hard you dropped your pole in the water. It's such a blessing to have made so many great memories together, I know that one day those stories will give you something to grin about again instead of feeling the sting of loss. My best to you, your family and everyone missing them right now.

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Comments

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DetN8 t1_isw2yn4 wrote

"I'm so sorry about your dad. It must have been rough for him to get dismembered like that."

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BXFXMIKE t1_isw54j6 wrote

Totally disagree! If you knew the person casually and never met the person who passed????

You would only ever start sourcing obituaries in your conciliatory comments for your own self importance.

Speak from the heart and move on. This is not the time to talk for the sake of talking.

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tookuayl t1_isw8oca wrote

Exactly! This is all about the person trying to make it about themselves. Ask something like, “is there a favorite memory that you have of them that you would like to share?” Perusing the obits for details on someone you know nothing about is just plain creepy.

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yaniv901 t1_isvz2sg wrote

Oh title confusing

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exploristofficial t1_isw1zou wrote

Lol, right? How do you casually lose someone?

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whosmellslikewetfeet t1_isw8a39 wrote

I feel like a well placed comma would fix that

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dbsgirl OP t1_iswa2p2 wrote

Sadly I cannot edit the title, it's ok though. Folks understood enough to get angry about it lol.

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yaniv901 t1_iswevn3 wrote

I don’t get angry. Well maybe sometimes. Like what the heck is dark chocolate and why isn’t it sweet? That’s no chocolate, that’s a poser.

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wildadragon t1_isvzdcd wrote

I'm sorry X was survived by their SO, kids, and grandkids

I'm sorry X's service will be held at John's Mortuary at 6PM on Y date.

Maybe learn a bit more that the template posted in the obituary.

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dbsgirl OP t1_isvzqd7 wrote

Hmm, that was largely why I included examples which were clearly not a templated list of survivors. And included the option of your own recollection of a story that you remembered. But by all means, be hateful that should work too.

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wildadragon t1_isw0grh wrote

If you had a story of your own recollection then you shouldn't need to read the obituary because your own personal story and feelings would mean more, but by all means be obtuse and clueless that should work too.

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303elliott t1_isw2im4 wrote

Did you die and no one had anything good to say about you? I can't figure out why else you would act like such a toxic edge lord

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wildadragon t1_isw3gwb wrote

Did you not read the title? When someone you know casually loses someone. So your coworker who you know loses their aunt/uncle who you never knew what might you say about them?

Thanks for showing me how much of an ignorant edge lord you are.

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303elliott t1_isw4hwe wrote

You're so incessant on inconsequential semantics you can't pull your head out of your ass to see the whole picture. I'm done talking to you.

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wildadragon t1_isw4qhn wrote

Always funny how when people are clearly wrong they complain others are using semantics when semantics are literally the meanings of the words used.

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dbsgirl OP t1_isw1iyd wrote

Did you skip every other paragraph? I wrote in the post that if you have that knowledge then to use it and offered another option as well.

Being obtuse and clueless would be the option of not expressing any kind of empathy or condolences to someone you care about when they are experiencing grief - because you couldn't be bothered to take the 45 seconds it takes to read the obituary.

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phwe9774 t1_isvzyhx wrote

That would probably come across as extremely insincere or insensitive. If you have to read the obituary just to have something to say and you don't want to add to the "sorry for you loss" pile, just don't say anything

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Sir-Jawn t1_isxaof8 wrote

That’s what I was thinking. A friend of mine lost a parent (who I never met) and i just said a simple “I’m so sorry, I hope you’re hanging in there. A lot of people are thinking about you and here for you if you need anything.” Can’t imagine throwing in something like “I see they liked woodworking, they must have been talented”, having never met them before and never talking about woodworking with this friend before.

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russellvt t1_isxq6xx wrote

The REAL LPT: Don't say shit unless the person either asks, or you're in a tight enough circle to have been invited to the funeral.

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dbsgirl OP t1_isy3bsj wrote

So you agree with me then, since what the post said was to read the obit or write up about the deceased when the acquaintance posts it publicly as many do. For the exact reason of sharing info, asking for support and honoring the person they miss. Nice, glad we got all the way around the circle.

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russellvt t1_itbmntp wrote

>So you agree with me then,

No... What part of don't say shit did you misunderstand?

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dbsgirl OP t1_itc4vda wrote

You forgot this part: "unless the person asks"

The reason people post obituaries or bios on social media is asking for support and wanting to share with others all the wonderful things about the deceased they are going to miss.

Before you say it's for logistical reasons, it isn't. Family and other close friends who will attend services get the service info from texts, calls, emails, etc..

Ironically, one way often suggested to deal with social media posts you don't agree with is also "don't say shit" lol, if you're ok with ignoring that tenet why should I ignore my friends' grief?

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keepthetips t1_isvxra2 wrote

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If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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Unhappy_Guarantee_69 t1_it0fohw wrote

This is terrible advice. Talk about detached from reality.

Just say, I'm sorry, and move on. This isn't about you, or about making some wholesome and specific statement on the deceased. If you have to read the obituary to get material, why do you feel compelled to make some weirdly personal statement in the first place?

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dbsgirl OP t1_it0i9zy wrote

Because I care about people and their feelings, whoopsies.

I'm sorry.

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Unhappy_Guarantee_69 t1_it0jcle wrote

Lol What a hero and a martyr... Smh. Don't be sorry, just be genuine.

This whole post isn't about how to try to make someone who's experienced a death of a loved one feel better and get over their grief. It's about having an alternative phrase for "I'm sorry for your loss" bc that's too "underwhelming" by your own words. Who cares about any of that? That's like stressing out more over your outfit choice more than being there for your friend.

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303elliott t1_isw2mcz wrote

Good tip. I've been to enough funerals to know people want to speak up, but often don't know what to say

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dbsgirl OP t1_isw9yts wrote

Thank you, I hope for your sake you aren't friendly in any manner with the other folks who commented, they feel that you and your grief can fuck on off.

To me it's not just the words, grieving people appreciate someone taking the time to understand who the person was.

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303elliott t1_iswauut wrote

A lot of arm chair psychologists who clearly haven't experienced loss are in your comments. Sorry that your well intended and well spoken tip fell on narcissists.

As Rick Sanchez said, "Your boos mean nothing, I've seen what makes you cheer."

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dbsgirl OP t1_iswf1z6 wrote

I'm so sad for them, imagine never caring about anyone enough to notice their grief or try to understand it or learn about what they will be missing. Can't wait to hug my extended family asap and make sure they know how much I love them too

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