PoliteFly t1_iuc7iw8 wrote
Hard disagree. That's what my manipulative ex kept telling me. Had I talked to a friend they'd help me realise how much of an awful person she was way sooner than I did.
Obviously don't go around telling your problems to random people, but there's no reason not to talk about it with your friends
LeafsWinBeforeIDie t1_iuc92xi wrote
Your friends usually have your best interest at heart. If they warn you, know that they probably didn't take the decision lightly, and real friends become real friends by actually caring about you. If the friend is good, not only will they not lead you astray, but your words through conversation with them will show you the way without them even telling you.
Joubachi t1_iucb1wt wrote
Friends - and professionals like therapists, sometimes also parents. Some problems just simply need a third/outside view on things.
ptlimits t1_iucjmt2 wrote
Two sides to this coin. It can be bad as the friend usually only knows one side of the story, as most of the time their friend will only divulge an edited story. The person is usually venting, super upset, emotional, and most likely not explaining it 100% objectively. That's why it's important to have a non bias 3rd party, like a therapist. A good friend can suffice instead, and can be a good source of support, but only if they know both parties and the circumstances very well and of course are very sound minded. I agree with OP in general, it's better to not drag people through the mud everytime you're going through it. On the flip side, people do need an outlet. So its different case by case.
To me a fair solution would be to yes, use your friend as support and sounding board, (but not to excess as I think that's just inconsiderate at some point) AND let them have a candid convo with your partner. That way they can act as a mediator between the two, and get a better more fair scope of the situation. A true good friend will want to be objective, as people inside of a relationship can let their emotions cloud their judgment, and they wouldn't want their friend to make a mistake they will regret, due to their own fault, something they were failing to learn or grow on. A good friend will consider the possibility their friend might need a straight talk, that could actually help them in their future, not just providing confirmation bias. Example: my ex refused to do anything without being asked, but also got angry when reminded to do something. They would get angry and their ability to communicate maturely or talk rationally went out the window. Then after they would forget that's how it started even though i fought to maintain mature calm dialogue. They genuinely seemed to be addicted to the fury and the drama. They would run to their friends afterwards crying about being unhappy, but because they couldn't even see what they were doing, there was no chance of their friend being able to understand, and in affect help the actual problem. i always felt if I could have told my side they would have been shocked at some of the details that my ex withheld or rewrote, and would have been able to help instead of just telling him what he wanted to hear.
(With very few exceptions) If your friend isn't willing to talk with your partner and just says "screw them" they don't have your best interests at heart; it's easier for them to just tell u to cut the ties.
FluorscopicFuck t1_iucze98 wrote
My partner’s friend has to come talk to me? I can’t talk to my partner directly? That’s an issue. What kind of relationships are you people in??😬
popejubal t1_iudnevy wrote
Almost all of the time, the couple has talked to each other, but they’ve run into an issue that they can’t resolve themselves.
Sometimes, one of the people in the couple doesn’t want to resolve the issue because they’re benefiting from it. It could be a huge issue or it could be something small like “she always does the dishes because she hits her limits of how much mess she can tolerate faster than I do.”
ptlimits t1_iue1q66 wrote
Thank u. That's exactly it. At that point u have tried talking to each other. It's great to talk to ur friend for help but u can't take it 100% confidence til they know the whole story and I'm sorry but ur just not gonna get that from only one half the relationship.
ptlimits t1_iue1h9r wrote
Obviously u also talk to ur partner first. But once ur taking an outside opinion seriously it's only fair for them to get both sides. Or find someone who is nuetral.
joyfall t1_iud4f54 wrote
Same. "We talk out our issues and work on our problems together" sounded smart, but it really meant he could manipulate and coerce me in private. If I had shared with just one person what was going on then I would've had clarity that things weren't right.
Experiencing real gas lighting where you get to the point of not trusting your sense of reality anymore is traumatizing. The first step is isolating you from outside opinions.
PoliteFly t1_iudnrhc wrote
Pretty much what I was trying to say. I was such a fool to to accept that logic. Looking back to it whenever we'd talk about an issue she'd always shift the blame on me. Now, 2 years later, I can hardly believe how much stupidity I ended up putting up with and how much I tried to justify and rationalise her poor behaviour
The isolation and gaslight can be very real and I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar as well
joyfall t1_iue8j7q wrote
Sorry you went through it too. It's hard to look back in hindsight with what you know now.
There's a therapist on youtube Dr. Ramani that I suggest looking up. She actually has a video out today about gas lighting and blame shifting. Understanding the psychology of it all and that you weren't alone in the experience has been the most helpful for me.
ptlimits t1_iuech0n wrote
And sometimes the gaslighter even believes they're the ones being gaslit. It's gets super confusing and you really need outside opinion at that point. My ex would scream gaslight when I'm literally going off exactly what happened and they're just going off their clouded emotional memory. It's like I couldn't even disagree about what happened without them taking it as a huge personal insult and gaslight. I feel like I have every right to say "that's not how I saw it" and not be coerced into saying otherwise because they rage.
CyborgTiger t1_iudp9i9 wrote
That’s why they said in the post that if you do make sure it’s someone you truly trust. Read!
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