LPT REQUEST: How do you nicely decline to answer a question?

Submitted by letstradeshallwe t3_ycx3n9 in LifeProTips

How do you nicely decline answering to personal questions at work? I really am bad at these and I would love to learn how to nicely decline answering these without being rude while being professional.

My philosophy is the less people know about me at work, the better. There have been some people at work that want to get to know me (in a very strange way) and I can smell the rat. I think you know what I meant by that. Like suddenly being borderline friendly and welcoming. I have learnt the (very) hard way that I go to work to make money not friends.

So, how do I nicely decline it without being rude while keeping my work professionalism.

Much thanks in advance to this amazing community!

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Comments

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bananaleaftea t1_itovxam wrote

Keep it surface level, keep it vague and neutral, and redirect the conversation.

Eg:

Them: "It must be tough having [enter whatever they're trying to get more information about]!

Me: Eh, it has its ups and downs. What about you? What's it like having [enter thing]?

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TheGrimDweeber t1_itpvu53 wrote

Yup! Super vague, short answer, and immediately redirect.

As a secretive person (for good reasons), I have become crazy good at it.

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StrahdTracker t1_itqsl8q wrote

What are those reasons?

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Satonami7 t1_itqwdg1 wrote

Eh, trustworthiness. What about you?

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bronsoval1 t1_itu8z7j wrote

Super vague, short answer, immediate redirect. Nicely done!

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TheGrimDweeber t1_ittq934 wrote

Oh you know, just some personal stuff. Nothing exciting, really. What about you? Any interesting tales to tell? Mobster uncle, spy mother?

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MissyAgravation t1_itq32ml wrote

I definitely agree with this. A lot of people like talking about themselves and offering advice. Turn the questions back on them, show interest, just listen, smile, nod, and offer brief answers. I am a good listener and very private

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Ordinary-Database-40 t1_itpvu8x wrote

I am from Ukraine, now living in states. Since the beginning of war, many questions about my homeland, family, and current situation overall became very sensitive for me, to the point where I would start crying if asked something innocent like “how is your family?”. At the same time, many people at work became very curious or concerned, offered help or simply asked the exact type of questions that I didn’t feel like answering at all

I dealt with it by bluntly stating “if I discuss it I usually cry and I don’t feel that is appropriate in work setting” to the people I have good relationships with, something along the lines of “I am not ready to talk about it” to the people I don’t have a strong connection with, or just giving the look like “nope” to random “just curious” folks

I quickly learned, that declining to answer a question and being honest about it has no negative influence on relationships with people who respect boundaries. Don’t be afraid of drawing a red line which nobody is allowed to cross, and decline the access to private information whenever you feel like it (you don’t need a dramatic reason like I had in this situation), because THIS is normal and healthy, not the other way around. People have no moral right to be offended because you don’t want to open to them, and you’ll be better off having this thought settled in your brain for life

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Specialist_Hippo_404 t1_itpnisf wrote

If you want to be regarded as nice and not abrasive/terse, I’ve noticed the best way to respond is with something outlandishly untrue. Nicely declining and honestly declining are exhaustive to cook up especially in the moment. Especially in a professional setting where it kind of matters that you aren’t an asshole to your colleagues. Aim for laughable. The trick is riding the grey line of business casual sarcasm, without saying something inappropriate that makes others uncomfortable. If they believe your dishonesty, you’ve either got a great poker face or you’re talking to an idiot. Either way, it’s an easy fix with a quick “I’m just messing with you bud.” And then bam, conversation over or atleast an easy transition to something else. The smartest people respond with light hearted wit to divert from actually answering things.

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MissyAgravation t1_itq3cl3 wrote

This is tricky but fun.

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letstradeshallwe OP t1_itq5kx2 wrote

I am intrigued. Could you give an example for when someone asks what do my parents do for a living? Thanks!

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LolaEbolah t1_itrvw88 wrote

The only decent answer:

The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it

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Jace_Bror t1_itu7kc7 wrote

Would you hold your pinkie finger at the side of your mouth the whole time you were telling this or just at the end?

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Specialist_Hippo_404 t1_its1r9b wrote

If you were going for less verbose, it could be as easy as… “What do your parents do for a living?” “Parents? I was grown in a Petri dish.” go back to typing

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MissyAgravation t1_itq9efw wrote

Well, I could answer that… “My parents worked multiple jobs to keep us fed and clothed, and when we had a bit extra money they might buy a lottery ticket. We always talked about what we would do if we won and the places we would go. But we never dreamed we actually would. X years ago we did, my parents retired, shared some of the profit with me, and I work to keep my brain active.” There are states in which the winners can claim the prize anonymously. Or I could answer that “My mom is a trial lawyer, and my dad has a successful private investigation firm. As a child I grew up learning how to do a thorough background search through publicly available records, and within five minutes I can find out enough about you to write a detailed CV and tell you how much you’re worth in (your currency). Do you want to time me?”

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o-ater t1_itr3pqp wrote

"Do you want to time me?" chef's kiss

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Donohoed t1_itouwcp wrote

"Sorry, i try not to discuss personal business at work." Then casually change the subject to something work related.

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IWishIHavent t1_itpn3os wrote

This. Simple, direct, respectful, unmistakable. I would only change "personal business" to "personal life".

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JariCS t1_itov6r8 wrote

I read somewhere the best way to respond to intrusive questions is to smile and say, "Why do you want to know?"

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Bath_Amazing t1_itq07q7 wrote

Good one!👍🏿. I usually just say, “Why do you ask?” after answering the question (if I want to), but your answer has the same effect.

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--red t1_itp2tc9 wrote

That's rude tbh "why do you want to know"

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spoonfullofrage t1_itpjv47 wrote

Why do you think thats rude? 🙂

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work-a-day_schlub t1_itqkp3y wrote

It's a diversionary tactic which could make a person feel defensive since you are directly choosing not to answer their question.
It could also be interpreted as aggressive or implying the asker has nefarious intent.

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o-ater t1_itr3xt4 wrote

...and the great part about that is you don't have to own their emotions or reactions to your answers.

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work-a-day_schlub t1_itrat4g wrote

You don't have to own them, no. But, you do have to work with these people so the consequences of burning bridges is still very real.

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o-ater t1_itrrjq3 wrote

Not really. I was taught to ask the question "Why would you like to know?" in a friendly way with a smile and that would not burn a bridge but give visual and audio cues to the person that you are flattered by the question and it is now up to them to determine how to respond and engage in a conversation versus harvesting facts about me.

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work-a-day_schlub t1_itrvupg wrote

Think whatever you like. Delivery has a lot to do with it but it still won't make a person feel good and they probably won't tell you that. Nothing about that response would make a person feel you are flattered by their question. It will make them feel you are being cagy and intentionally withholding.

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o-ater t1_itsot2b wrote

And give them enough self awareness to ease off if they feel that way. You don't owe them anything. You don't need to sacrifice your privacy and emotions to satisfy their curiosity or their feelings.

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work-a-day_schlub t1_itsv5u1 wrote

Both of these things are true simultaneously. Yes, you can protect your privacy at all cost and treat people coldly. You can also cause yourself future difficulties because people don't trust or like you because you've treated them like NPCs and not people. We all have our priorities.

Edit: people don't develop "self awareness" when you treat their polite interest with hostility. They assume things about you because you've given them no other choice.

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o-ater t1_itt21hu wrote

Well, we all know what happens when you assume.

There is no "hostility" in asking a question to answer a question. Tone is important and as I've stated, when said with a smile and a friendly tone, the question fosters a conversation instead of a transaction for personal information.

It's important to establish your image or "brand" in your career and it's equally important to establish boundaries between professional and personal life. Using the question "Why would you like to know?" in a friendly and polite way is a good way to deal with the LPT request.

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EnriquesBabe t1_itq3tbo wrote

This is a tough one. I used to keep my private life very private, and, over time, I realized that I wasn’t building networks like other people. And some people found me cold, despite the fact that I was always kind... Now, I disclose, but I try to do it in a very positive way. For example, if asked if my parents are married, I’ll say they divorced, which was healthiest for everyone, and I have awesome stepparents. I don’t try to make my life sound perfect (people will hate you for that, too!), but I try to ensure that I sound healthy and never come across as someone overwhelmed by life. I think the key is to not give people ammunition. Hope that’s helpful in some way.

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rijo9972 t1_itowq8k wrote

Not answering your question but I don't know why more people aren't more like us: go to work, do your job, enjoy your life sway from work. I have a regular office job that's 95% work from home. I literally don't have to speak to anyone to complete my job.

Since the summer, the boss has been making us go into the office once a month for a 15 min meeting... the same meeting that has been held successfully via Teams throughout covid. After the meeting, we're forced to play a game with each other for the remaining 45 mins (two truths and a lie, trivia, etc).

Next time we go into the office, we have the pleasure of standing in front of each other to "talk for two minutes about anything because it will help improve our public speaking skills". Again, I work at a computer, where I do NOT have to talk. Why are we doing this?? I would just like to do the job I'm paid to do. I promise I don't NEED to have "fun" with my co-workers for 45 mins once a month or "practice" my public speaking skills.

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Spazmic t1_itpmv20 wrote

Networking is a powerful tool to advance your career.. And it's highly ineffective over teams.

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rijo9972 t1_itqt9uy wrote

Except it wasn't networking. We're literally all in the same department going over a new implementation of a procedure, reviewing what we did well and what could be improved.

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TuckerCarlsonsOhface t1_itoymx3 wrote

Jeez, I wanted to blow my brains own just reading what you have to do. Unnecessary meetings are the worst. Also forced office birthday stuff.

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rijo9972 t1_itqtrdh wrote

Trust me, so do I. I have to wake up an extra 1.5 hours earlier to drive an hour to the office and an hour back home because my boss wants us to "have fun" with each other. She calls it a "fun event". When that hour of fun is over, we all go to our computers in our cubicles and complete our work in dead silence... you know, just like at home, except we're not home

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Em_Adespoton t1_itov082 wrote

Redirect conversation towards work topics. If they get really pushy, mention it to HR.

Part of my company’s mandatory annual harassment training involves explaining to people that repeatedly digging for personal information about someone is harassment and not to be tolerated.

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PatrickPanda t1_itow6ta wrote

I’m not comfortable talking about that.

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WoodpeckerCertain859 t1_itq4ah2 wrote

Just say “If I told you I’d have to kill you” and then let out an evil laugh.

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PHOTOPHLYTE75 t1_itq5lhr wrote

“I’m not at liberty to say” Or go fuck your self is effective too

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Jankypox t1_itqi4so wrote

This is a great one!

When I immigrated I had financed my first vehicle through an institution that often helps expats, veterans, and active military secure financing. So when I went to the dealership the dealer, who was a veteran, seemed to think I was a vet too and started asking me about where and when I served.

Instead of trying to explain my entire situation and life history up to that point, I just said in my clearly foreign accent, “Sorry. I’m not at liberty to say.”

The dude’s eyes narrowed and then noticeably widened. Once he came to his own conclusion, he was like, “Oh! Yes. Of course! Forget I even asked!”

Hahahaha!

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FandomMenace t1_itovku9 wrote

Simply say "no comment" and repeat as many times as necessary. If that gets old, say "I plead the 5th". Another somewhat bitchy move is to ask them the question they asked you. How old am I? How old are YOU?

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Sea-Juice-8828 t1_itpadbf wrote

When I ask a personal question at work, I will say "hey can I ask you a personal question" the answer can be a simple "no" and I wouldn't get mad and I believe no one should either

So I believe just a simple calm voice of "no" because at the same time you don't have to explain yourself,

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Skyline952 t1_itqxcbb wrote

"That's crazy" works like a charm

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Playful_Melody t1_itozxo9 wrote

Just say that you are not comfortable discussing personal matters?

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vorpal8 t1_itppiag wrote

"So how about that local sports team?"

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GenuineSmirk t1_itpsbx3 wrote

Give nice and funny but ultimately irrelevant answers. They'll catch on, I hope.

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StaringOverACliff t1_itqj3gj wrote

Encourage them to talk about themselves..

Just answer questions vaguely but politely - eg.

"Are you coming to the work get-together?"

"I'm not sure, I'll have to check, I think I have plans already.. "

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pi--ip t1_itrq9vk wrote

Watch Ryan Reynolds doing interviews on YouTube.

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121853marty t1_itsdwp9 wrote

I worked for an internal government security agency and was not allowed to reveal details. Well in reality I worked in the county jail. ( internal government security) and did not want to talk about it. Not a lie in either case.

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GuamVetAdvocate t1_iuaye3n wrote

Let’s say a random coworker (or superior!) asks if you’re planning on having children. (So inappropriate, has happened to me.) Say “You’re so sympathetic, always looking out for others and interested in their lives. Where did you get that ability?”

Coworker: weirded out but stops asking

You: starts looking for WFH

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keepthetips t1_itoueh8 wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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petdance t1_itq68yr wrote

The answer to any personal question is “I’m sorry, that’s not something I discuss.” Repeat as often as necessary.

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dear_little_water t1_itqc8ko wrote

Is this person working on the same project as you are? Maybe give a non-commital answer and then ask something like, "So what do you think about [project topic]?" Or something similar. Just spit balling here.

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ConfidenceCalm4713 t1_itraj37 wrote

Basically just pretend the question was never ask and speak to someone else in the group or mention/ask something about them. People love talking about themselves

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ffenix1 t1_itsn7cf wrote

Asuming this is some kind of investigation.

  • <Personal question>?
  • Sorry, I don't talk about my personal life at work.
  • Why?...
  • It makes me uncomfortable.
  • why? (Again! )
  • It's unprofessional and makes me uncomfortable.

Now if they keep anoying you could go to more "profesional" answers that will cut the interview right there: - It's illegal (depends on your country's laws). - Asking 4 times the same question shows you don't trust my answers which defeat the porpouse of an interview. - I'm not here to be interrogated/harassed. After stating one of those you should bring up your time working there and show your discontent.

  • I've been working here for 18 months and done my job, this is no way to treat a good worker. (you can leave after that, just remember to contact HR a statement with your discontent, you can still contact HR if this was a job hiring interview, and don't worry; if they allow to harras employees before hiring them, it means you don't want to work there).

This is valid for anytime someone ask the same question more than 3 times, and depending on context only 2 times.

This was taught to me by an Enterprise Psicology professional. If they don't trust or respect your answers, then there is no reason for you to be there.

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mommadragon72 t1_itt6vod wrote

I have give away facts I'm willing to share at work. I share things that I don't really care about but people feel like they know me better. Examples are things like I baked cookies this weekend, we went to the balloon festival, I'm loving the cooler weather so the dog and I can walk after work. None of those things really tell you much about me other then I like to bake, I do things with other people and I have a dog. Those are things I'm fine with co workers knowing. If they pry for more info I change the subject and ask about them. Most folks love to talk about themselves and don't have great boundaries. Ask about pets, children, favorite restaurants. Give a tiny bit to lend credence to your question like I love trying new restaurants, which local restaurant is your favorite? Let them talk for a few and then politely state gotta finish up this report and walk off. Now you are friendly but a hard worker and if they think they know a bit about you they will leave you alone.

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[deleted] t1_iuaykoo wrote

[removed]

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GuamVetAdvocate t1_iuayuo1 wrote

Or alternatively make a list of innocuous facts about you to have handy. Favorite hobbies (I love walking in nature, I love exercise, I love reading self help books), or zodiac sign and the possible interpretations of the approximately a dozen associated celestial positions, or favorite Taylor Swift fan theories.

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GuamVetAdvocate t1_iuaz6sm wrote

“Are you married?” - To my job! [say it like it’s a joke so they can’t tell if you’re serious]

“Do you want kids?” - I don’t know, what do you think is best? [this is actually a good one if you can turn it to ask for advice from them and then just let them talk]

“Do you have kids?” - Omgosh let me show you a picture of my senior rescue dog! My baby!

“Are you interested in a blind date?” - I’m so busy with work now sorry

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yespmedas t1_itsgvi5 wrote

I say be straight forward with them. "I don't think that's a question I need to answer" If they ask why: "I don't owe you an explanation for keeping my personal life personal. But I'd be willing to discuss anything related to our business" or alternatively "you first". And then you still don't have to reply.

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phrogfixer46 t1_itt3w96 wrote

Just say, "I decline to answer". Don't be a pushover. If you stand your ground and be firm with it, you don't have to justify yourself. You lose respect when you have to justify everything. It gives the inquirer room to further question you. Make a decision to not answer and stick with it. If it's your boss or coworker prying into your private life, you definitely don't have to say anything. You can just change the topic or say, "my private life is none of your business" and hold your ground. If it's work related, they need to give you a legitimate justification for asking and they should articulate why they are asking. If it's not a solid reason, just say "I need a better reason".

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