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cntdown t1_itfkngd wrote

That’s how I got to the three friends I have left. Now in better times the others contact me, I just can’t show interest anymore. It’s good.

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feetofire t1_itg6epq wrote

So true. An acquaintance of mine who I helped support emotionally when she was separated from her husband, kept insisting on how welcome I would be in her home as a guest when visiting her town etc etc etc - “you’ll always have a place with us” . So she stayed with said husband and I was between rentals and needed a place to stay for 2 nights…. Her : “I would love to have you over but husband isn’t comfortable.”

I’m sure.

I out here very firmly in the acquaintance box after that, and treat any other banal promises she makes as worth the grime on the bottom of my shoes.

Conversely — I found a gem in another friend who went above and beyond to help me when I was in a pretty bad place … and then found out that she was in a worse situation than me. This person will stay on my life for a very long time.

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redderper t1_itgk31h wrote

I don't necessarily see how that acquaintance is in the wrong there. She chose her husband over an acquaintance, which isn't really that strange. She probably wanted to help you, but couldn't because her husband wasn't comfortable. Unless you know for sure that she's lying about that, I don't think you can blame her.

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feetofire t1_itgl7uv wrote

Had she been somewhat less effusive, I would agree. And she wasn’t an acquaintance them - she has been someone who had been calling me long distance in tears as her marriage had been breaking up (btw - I’m a woman), so I had thought her a close friend at the time.

Anyway - it was a good in the end. Last minute Airbnb in a moment of desperation led to me making two new friends.

And the more I think of it … I have another dear friend who I will keep in my life forever who, hearing that I was in town, insisted that I stay with him and his GF in their flat. We were and have remained platonic friend fwiw … anyway what he didn’t tell me, was that his flat was the size of a shoebox, so I ended up spending the weekend, sleeping on their kitchen floor. I didn’t mind - and we are still (very platonic) friends.

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redderper t1_ithbv2b wrote

I do agree that it's shitty to make promises that you can't keep, especially if they were helped by that person before. However, my point is that you also don't know exactly why she couldn't go through with it. Maybe her husband is really controlling and that's why she couldn't keep her promise. Of course she should have talked to him about it before making that promise, but people make mistakes all the time.

Anyway, you know her better than me of course, so maybe the whole friendship was just you being there for her and not the other way around. Just from that one story I can't really make any conclusions basically.

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MJohnVan t1_ithjy8q wrote

If her husband is controlling why would she say that? Instead talking to him first ? People make mistakes. That’s normal. But people will forgive you and forget you. Not because you can’t keep the promise but you lead them on something you can’t keep.

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rexmaster2 t1_ith3qoe wrote

The true moral of the story is, if u have no intention of honoring what u say to someone, then don't say it.

I have a neighbor who is similar. Call me whenbahe needs me, but can't be bothered to keep her word with me. She'll say, let's go out to lunch, meet up, ill be over later, ill call u tonight, and I get nothing from her. In most cases, it's because her (60) husband (70) won't let her leave the house once he is home. He wants no one in the house. Well, except for his gf, of course.

In cases like this, it's all about control. Nothing more.

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redderper t1_ithctak wrote

I just feel sad for women who are being controlled/abused by their husbands. Not keeping your promise is definitely shitty, but she's a victim of the situation as well and she might not be able to escape that situation so easily.

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rexmaster2 t1_ithjfm4 wrote

Sadly, some don't want to escape but continue to complain about their situation. The number one reason why they stay...."but I love him".

−1

MJohnVan t1_ithjpa6 wrote

Why would she give that offer if she can’t even afford to follow with it? It shows how shallow a person can be, don’t do that. Because people will start to look down on you. Delivering promises you can’t keep. Not once twice but more than often.

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pbradley179 t1_itg6z4z wrote

You realise the way you've put all of this doesn't make you seem like a good friend to have though, right?

−23

feetofire t1_itg7qrp wrote

No.

I dont realise this otherwise I wouldn’t put it out.

I’m just not into people who say things that they don’t mean.

Also - when you are at your lowest, you see how people treat you when you have nothing to offer.

I supported “friend” 1 and meant all that I said. She didn’t in the end. Her words, were empty.

I had nothing at all to offer Friend 2 who likewise would have been very justified in explaining to me how she didn’t have time for me - or just not having time for me. Friend 2 didn’t - and I reached out when things were better and thanked her once I realised what she had also been going through.

Anyway - I’m just being honest - it’s the internet so I’ll take whatever comes with it.

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Bobbycanbackflip t1_itgh8qh wrote

I understand where you’re coming from. Personally, I can understand why a married woman’s husband may not be comfortable having you in the home despite your circumstances.

Unfortunately, while yes it deprives you of assistance, they have a more complicated and committed relationship and if you ask me as a guest you have to be respectful of that.

People are allowed to assist you as much as they seem fit.

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feetofire t1_itgj7oa wrote

To be clear - both her and her husband were once my friends and we had all known each other whilst working overseas. I’ve stayed with my best friend and her husband (who’s also my friend) without issues elsewhere so - eh - dunno.

Anyway - my way of getting by in life is to pretty much have no expectations from anyone other than myself. Anyone actually pulls for me - is a bonus - I’ve been blessed to have genuinely decent people cross my path, but not by design.

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Bobbycanbackflip t1_itgjf34 wrote

Yeah, man I know it’s hard. We all got problems. I find on average we find a way to get by, despite all the adversity.

−1

Slowcow7 t1_itgi6wv wrote

This happened to me yesterday but in a good way. I was in an unfamiliar city. Suddenly a horrible squeal started coming from my engine and smoke started coming out. I lost all power steering and the car was hard to control. I was able to get it safely to the side of the highway on ramp and shut it down. Called my insurance company for roadside assistance but got the run around. I took a chance at calling some random local towing company. They dude shows up and evaluated the situation. Serpentine belt had disintegrated. I asked if he know a mechanic that will work on short notice and he said he'd just tow it to his shop because he thinks its a simple fix. After some trial and error he had figured out my power steering pump had gone bad. So 2nd trip to the local auto parts shop and 2.5 hours later I was back on the road. The dude went above and beyond to help me out without overcharging me "highway robbery" prices. I added a nice tip onto the full bill and thanked him profusely. Just wanted to give an example of the good people still out in the world.

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tylamb19 t1_ith0nhs wrote

Good tow companies are so hard to find but when you do find one they are lifesavers.

There’s a tow company in the area a little bit away from me but I will call them every single time because they will always be fair and willing to help out versus most tow companies who will give the run around and nothing else.

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i_do_it_all t1_itg8q34 wrote

call me an asshole. I had a very difficult life. I hsve seen people's true colour too often to know most are bad.

even though, now I have financial and academic leverage, I continue to under play my cards. people show their true colours rather quickly when they confuse my humility for weakness.

example, I was at a commission based baby furniture store. I look rather shabby and not well dressed. small unkempt beard. this sales lady I asked for help, she was like wait 20 min , let me take care of something, I look over,she started helping someone who came after me. I waited a bit and asked an older gentleman for help. he wanted to help. bought my 4800$ furniture from him in 15 minutes. that lady was staring the whole time. eventually came and told the Jr salesman, they were my customer. I just said NO loudly.

so ya. hold your colors inside people. let them show theirs.

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the-practical_cat t1_itgbm95 wrote

I learned to do the same thing from my dad. Anyone who treated him as "less than" when he was filthy after work would never get his business again, but he'd make sure they knew their competition was getting his cash. And on the rare occasions when he was treated better than average because he looked awful, he'd go out of his way to make sure that business got as many new customers as possible.

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BackWaterBill t1_itgsxgb wrote

My dad did basically the exact thing buying a hoover vacuum back in 90's. He was a surfer kid, but making some decent money anyway he goes in and he gets snubbed by the first salesman before moving onto another and saying no to the payment plan, only to pull out a roll of cash.

2

SugerPlume t1_itgnxjr wrote

Seriously though, that saleswoman is trying to earn a living. How many times do you think someone came in and just wasted her time and cost her money?

−4

FudgeOfDarkness t1_itgoq5b wrote

I mean, sure, but you can't try to claim someone else's work for a commission when they stepped up to do your job

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Low-Paleontologist43 t1_itg1ub8 wrote

Now that's a life pro tip I wish I knew in high school. Now I can't help but gauge my new friendships based on if they'll last during those zero leverage moments. The good balance is to understand that most people you're acquainted with don't care that deeply about your issues, and keep the ones that do real close. Don't let shallow friendships of the past define how you perceive new ones, is what I'm saying.

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lemaquilleur t1_itgdncb wrote

I’ve come to the conclusion that if you’re a victim, you become victimized. People see weakness and take advantage of you. It’s disgusting. My life has been hell lately, and I have to try and keep on going, but… it’s like so bad I don’t even know how to not end up completely destitute, homeless, and medically unwell. And I see others getting help and it’s great, but I’m literally just absolutely drowning here, and so many people in my life have pulled me back down to get a breath of air. I don’t know how I’ll even get to the surface again at this point. I am just trying not to end up dead, and trying so hard to keep my child safe.

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Upper_Bar8325 t1_ithc3th wrote

It's obvious that you're going through a very rough time in your life right now but the fact that you've pulled through so far means you're very strong. Keep it up and don't give up. Life likes to put us through awful shit but theres light at the end of the tunnel. It gets better. Someone or something will help you when you least expect it. I'm so sorry that I can't be the person to help you but I genuinely believe that a person like that will appear in your life. You are no doubt a very persistent and strong-willed person. That is very admirable. Don't lose hope and keep going, I know you can! Sending you the best of luck, love and hugs. <3

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frankunderwood1992 t1_itgbegh wrote

I'm pretty sure this is a repost...like word for word.

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keepthetips t1_itfk5ze wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

1

Interesting-Run8176 t1_itgmwx5 wrote

Just keep being good no matter what "they" do. When you get to the end of your journey through life, you'll be glad you did. :D

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UsualAnybody1807 t1_itgqnrn wrote

Yes. And a related observation/LPT - always keep your phone charged because you never know whose civil rights you may have to help protect (maybe even your own) by videoing during encounters with police, Karens, crazy neighbors, etc. If they think there is no evidence showing what really happened, they can do what they want.

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Almost-Batman t1_itgn7mm wrote

Decent people dont even consider "leverage"...

This threads reads like a bad movie guys, you're overthinking and dramatizing.

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GetGoodOrGetRekt t1_itgncni wrote

Sometimes I feel my friends may jump into action ONLY when I'm in a tough spot. They're great people but it seems lately that everyone is content just staying home or doing nothing.

If I need something I'm sure they'd be there, but it'd be nice to have friends who would still like to actually be friends instead of just a help line

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