Submitted by AcroAmo t3_yexsk6 in LifeProTips
After my moms death, I’m going through her stuff and find her chest which is filled with mementos. A lot of this stuff is completely meaningless to me. I wish I knew why these things were important to her.
This is exactly what I meant! The items look so random to me, but hearing/knowing the story would make it so much more meaningful.
Speaking of going through a lost loved one's things, if there's any one thing I can recommend, it's to open up all the picture frames and look behind the picture on display. Both my parents used to just add pictures without taking any out. There was one of my framed yearbook photos that my mom kept, and when I opened it up I found ALL my yearbook photos from previous years behind it.
Also be sure to check the pockets of EVERYTHING that has them. I found a 32GB SD card in one of my mom's purses that had over 400 photos on it.
Sidenote about the pockets thing. When my grandfather passed we were going through his stuff and each of his coats/jackets had 2 advil and a tums in the pocket (he had a lot of outwear because he was a coach). We always knew he had some on him, but we didn't realize that he stored them like that at the ready.
So many times, knowing the story is what makes the worth keeping.
Knowing my parents...
That's a pile of shit... I don't know why I kept that... I left that in the attic years ago, forgot it was there...
Oh hey! That's your year three exercise books. You should have all of those. And this random jacket!
"try this jacket on! Man, they just don't make quality jackets like this anymore. You like it? It looks good on you. You should keep it for a winter jacket" grandpa's parka, circa 1945. Smells like cigarettes and moth balls.
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Seinfeld jazz intro
My mum kept my report cards from high school, I always figured she should throw them, I was glad she didn't when I spoke to my doctor about an adult ADHD diagnosis. Turns out those report cards are now vital in proving that as a child I had undiagnosed adhd
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's a crushingly sad feeling trying to navigate what you're going through right now.
Something to bear in mind is that sometimes, an object is just an object. People collect plenty of those throughout their lifetime. When my grandmother died, my family found all of these little "Precious Moments" statues and we'd assumed they were something really meaningful to her... luckily, my grandfather was around to share that she just got in the habit of ordering them on QVC but they weren't that special to her. I think that really speaks to your point more than anything, but they were something that we really wrestled with getting rid of but ultimately felt "freed" somehow after acknowledging that one way we could honor her memory is by donating them and allowing someone else to get enjoyment from them.
I went through a similar experience several years back when I finally started really going through the things I'd gotten which had belonged to my mother.
It was only when I found price tags still on the bottoms of some items that I realized she'd been shopping at Pier One a lot more than I thought.
Wish this had been the case with my folks.
I lost them both recently. They were hoarders. Most of the 'precious' stuff they left behind was crap that we had to pay to have hauled away.
The only notes they left was a letter from my father telling us not to sell two shitty, Army-surplus rifles.
Edit: hit post too soon.
So my father's last words to us weren't to share good memories or to tell us how much he loved us; it was to tell us about stuff.
I gotta tell you, stuff doesn't help with grief.
Let's take it a step further:
Interview your parents while they're still here. You don't even have to tell them. There are audio recording apps that you can put on your phone, and just sit with them and talk. Ask them things you've always wanted to know.
This. I have a few voicemails that I just won’t delete because I want to remember her voice. They aren’t special emails - hell it’s just her nagging me to call. An intentional audio interview would be gold. I’m so glad you have that.
Isn’t that illegal? Recording someone without consent ?
You worried your mom's going to sue you? I mean if that's the kind of mom you have, then I guess don't do it.
Idk I know that recording them under that context isn’t inherently wrong but personally it just feels weird to me
I would rather just have that genuine conversation. A real, private heart to heart that isn’t being mined for future playback.
I interviewed my mother about 3 weeks before she passed away in 2017. Not only did I get some gems from her, I managed to capture my 3 yr old son spontaneously singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to her. I had no intention on telling her that I recorded her, and that's because ultimately it wasn't FOR her, and I knew she wouldn't be around very long and I wanted something more substantial to have other than short, meaningless voicemails saying "Call me back".
If it's anything like my mom, it's because she is a hoarder of sentimental items. We tell her to throw them away multiple times, but they mean so much to her, she keeps them. I'm not going to deny her happiness and she brought me into this world. That being said, we wont be keeping 90% of the stuff she kept, cause it just doesn't have that same meaning to us.
I know of cases where the 75 year old footlocker from the attic was opened and the family found a .45, a Luger in leather holster embossed with the SS symbol, and a flag that you can't put on display without getting the cops called on you.
"What should we do with this?"
"uh...close the lid and put it back in the attic..."
War trophies?
I would assume so, their Grandfather was originally from the US.
We did a Google photos album with my mom. We took the pics and she commented the stories. It's nice to have it all in one place and shareable
That is a really simple way to go about it. I like that it’s shareable - it can be hard to get everyone together to go through stuff.
Sigh. This is bang on. My mother has had so much time to tell me why things are important or who the heck is in photos. But she always had other stuff to do and now she’s too weak to deal with anything.
Wish I knew more about my grans glass doll collection. I don't have them, I believe my aunt got them when she passed. But I remember those things vivdly at times and how much my Gran loved to bring them out to show us. I know they were from Scotland where she lived. But that's it. Wish they shared the stories with me
Once you're dead your shit doesn't matter anymore. Sell off all your belongings, give the money to your favored grand kid who was the least waste of time.
Dear kids, I got this magic card, Nether Void, to lock the board and make my playgroup cry tears of frustration. May you use it wisely -gramps
Good tip. My parent and I had discussions about the origins of some items which came from the grandparents of my parents (or that adventurous brother of my grand-grandparents), and I feel that I tend to forget some of those stories. My mother agreed that it should be written down somewhere.
Maybe we can make this an activity for the Christmas holidays. It is a nice way to spend time together.
Magic is a quality only conferred by storytelling
I have reread this comment several times. I think you’ve managed to say what I was thinking and wanting to express on a spiritual level in such a concise/thought provoking way. I would have written an essay to get to that point and we’d all be bored in tears by the end.
Well, go make some stories.
So I'm here at the moment: my mother died last week (94, fifth stroke, was never going to end well). Her written notes of "stuff" are from around 2003: my brother and I are going through this and going " do you remember this thing?" "Who is "Cat" and why would he/she be getting some ancient ornaments which neither of us can identify? " "Neither of us have seen this object in decades and it was seriously ugly when we saw it last".
There is a whole lot of stuff that we think (hope) she distributed a couple of decades back - it certainly isn't here. What we do have is a monumental pile of greeting/birthday/sympathy/ post cards, all of which are getting recycled, together with enough photos to choke a large quadruped (many of them slightly out of focus).
If you are trying to pass things on to posterity, for the love of all good keep accurate records with pictures and for the love of all holy please weed things out so that your executors stand a chance of executing your wishes.
I’m sorry for your loss - it sounds as though it was time. The same was true for my mom. Death brought peace.
I relate so much to your last paragraph. The stress of being an executor is huge… add on a crap tone of potentially precious items with more organization/notes whatsoever and it can feel insurmountable.
We went through my moms stuff in a series over months. It is truly incredible how much stuff can fit in a 700 sq ft apartment.
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I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️ I hope you’re able to find info from fam members or photos to give insight into some of them! I do love this tip. Was diagnosed with cancer last year (I’m in my 30s) and have two young kids…even though I am done with treatment and there’s no evidence of disease, I still spiral thinking about how and what I want to leave for my girls to help keep my memory alive for them especially since they’re still so young now. But it’s overwhelming trying to figure out what to do and just finishing active treatment has made me spiral a bit, but hearing your perspective - which I hate you even have to have 😢 - helped me.
Thank you for your thoughts.
It sounds as though you are in remission? That must have been some hard shit to work through. Truly, I’m happy to hear the treatment worked and I hope it continues to be enough.
You could create email addresses for your children and send them notes. Or it could just be handwritten notes to be opened later. As an adult now, the story behind the stuff is more meaningful because I can see my mom as both a mom and as a woman. That was much murkier when I was young and before I had my own child. Your littles might like to enjoy notes of you expressing your love and hopes for them. Perhaps some memories that are ‘big’ (big means different things to different people). And pictures together.
Wishing you well.
Yes currently in remission and hoping to stay that way! 🙏🏻 Thanks for that insight…I know that may have been hard to write and ponder but I appreciate the thoughtful response because those are wonderful ideas. Sending hugs and strength your way ♥️
My stories would be comparable to the famous kusikivi (the piss stone) https://fi.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kusikivi
in english: after the crowning ceremony in 1751, the new king of Sweden, Adolf Frederick, visited eastern side of his kingdom (nowadays Finland). At Kurikka, near Turku, the expedition stopped to rest. The king used this stone for a cover to take a leak.
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fat_over_lean t1_iu0uhth wrote
When my grandmother passed away we found sticky notes on lots of things - behind picture frames, inside boxes, under laps, backside of furniture, back of photographs etc - detailing everything she knew about them. Random box with flag on it? Note said the school presented it to my grandfather when he retired from teaching. Mirror? Built by her own grandfather in the 1800s. Definitely led to us keeping things that would have normally been tossed.