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S_A_R_K t1_iyc7jb3 wrote

When that happens to me I just assume they were a serial killer and instincts saved me yet again

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Kilr_Kowalski t1_iycgz71 wrote

I mean, why can't you just "not feel it"?

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AficionadoOfBoop OP t1_iychdi4 wrote

Because I'm not the most internally/mentally stable and consistent individual and there are certain factors that affect my reasoning and behavior. I guess.

For example, my attachment style is quite clearly avoidant. That means that I deeply crave intimacy, but at the same time distance myself from people when they get too close, like in romantic relationships. I find it very hard to commit, often fixate on the negatives (no matter how miniscule) and so on, if that makes sense.

Basically, I can't fully rely on my "gut feelings" about people because some of my defense mechanisms masquerade as gut feelings.

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Kilr_Kowalski t1_iychqnj wrote

but for this relationship it has either ended because you should have ended it or because you shouldn't have.

Either way means that you should not be the one to undo this.

The first because it is the wrong move and the second because your malfunction is not repaired enough to be a fair partner to the person that you ran from.

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AficionadoOfBoop OP t1_iychw7o wrote

Why would it not be up to me to undo my wrong move, if it was a wrong move?

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Kilr_Kowalski t1_iyci84p wrote

It is entitled and unfair because, as you admit, you are not emotionally mature enough for the relationship (If that is the case).

One last thing- I think of these things like crossing the Rubicon. Once a breakup occurs, things will always be different.

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AficionadoOfBoop OP t1_iycifxb wrote

Sure, but most things can be worked through. Breakups, divorces, infidelity, you name it.

But thank you anyway, I think I understand how you mean.

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CasualObservationist t1_iyd49v0 wrote

The statistics are not in favor of your opinion on partner relationship repair. Most people do not ultimately work it out and repair it. They may try but it just repeats and often times the drama is amplified eventually

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AficionadoOfBoop OP t1_iyd5lnh wrote

Most people aren't in relationships that are worth repairing anyway, it seems.

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ardrarian t1_iydqwnk wrote

I read your other comments and I share some of your qualities like avoidant attachment for one.

Even though I sometimes ignore this, I do truly believe it: if the relationship was meant to be, then you wouldn't have had any doubts.

I've been in relationships where I had no doubts at the beginning. It happens. Those are the good ones. One of mine lasted 9 years.

Then I've dated people where I had doubts but really wanted to make it work, and it never ends well.

You're likely to feel some questioning or regret whenever breaking up with someone over some vague doubts because it's not something obvious like being cheated on. It's tricky but important to realize the doubts will probably never go away and you'll end up wasting a lot of time.

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keepthetips t1_iyc7es9 wrote

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