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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j15pytd wrote

Address the behavior, not the person's character.

Say something like, "well, the constant farting does seem inappropriate for this venue."

Or, "when you scream like that, it kind of hurts my ears."

The point is to not make them feel attacked, even though they asked the question.

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the_original_Retro t1_j1706kv wrote

Going to add something to this excellent answer:

If you can't specifically figure out why they're annoying so you can tell them a reason, the problem just might be you.

I've been annoyed at people because I had a bad night's sleep, or I heard a story four times by other people in the past day and they're telling it for the fifth time, or out of silly displaced anger, or for other reasons that were more to do with me than with them.

Before responding to their question, a good question to ask yourself is "are they annoying just to me?".

If you're not confident that the answer to that question is "no", odds are actually pretty good that you're the one that needs to work on the situation, not them.

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k8t13 t1_j173hsh wrote

this is also great advice, sometimes i'm just peopled out and someone talking to me makes me feel annoyed. or sometimes i'm just hangry and thirsty lol

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wildflowerhonies t1_j15qlds wrote

This, a hundred times over. Avoid using the word "annoying" (even if they used it first) and politely describe the behavior that's causing you to feel annoyed.

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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j15tat4 wrote

It's a good rule for any discussion. Focus on the behavior and your feelings, not being critical of the other person.

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playswing t1_j16qbxj wrote

Something I've learned in therapy, we often use annoying as a filler to describe what actually bothers us. It's much more concise to explain what is bothering us!

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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j16qw67 wrote

Wow...that's annoying! 😜

Just kidding. Definitely better to talk about the specific things. Thanks for the backup.

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k8t13 t1_j173cst wrote

yup, i have sensory issues and i'd rather give someone a "the repetition of the tapping is making my head hurt sadly" over getting frustrated to the point of nobody enjoying our time

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jejunebanali t1_j17pmn6 wrote

This sounds like good advice but sometimes what is annoying could be hurtful when articulated, like “your voice is too shrill” or “ you are too self obsessed and are constantly badgering me like about whether you are annoying or not.”

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Austitch t1_j18rk0h wrote

You're missing the point- the approach is supposed to be about your feelings in response to a behaviour. Rephrasing both of those, it would be more along the lines of "I'm a little overloaded right now, and the volume you're talking at is contributing to that." and "It feels like you're not listening to me when you repeatedly ask if you're annoying, and it's frustrating to not feel listened to."

The point of the tip is avoiding accusatory language like "You are" and instead giving them something tangible that they might be able to adjust- someone genuinely might not be able to control the volume/pitch of their voice and making that their fault is just going to stoke insecurity without fixing anything, and saying something like "you're self obsessed and bothering me" comes across as an attack on them rather than anything constructive they can work on/with.

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EmeraldGlimmer t1_j18uvbf wrote

If a person is self-obsessed that is something that they could and probably should work on. I don't know how to phrase it gently though.

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Austitch t1_j18x5lz wrote

They probably are aware. Anxious people are often self-aware their thoughts aren't rational, but they still have them and will still reach out to get external affirmation that they're not as bad as their head is making them out to be. Pointing out how their behaviour is making you feel can help snap them out of that, i.e. its making you feel like they're not listening to you or trusting what you say, making you feel like you're talking in circles, etc; pointing out that they're "self-obsessed" isn't going to help anything. Either they're anxious and they now feel like they're just as bad as their thoughts are making them out to be and feel even worse/shut down and avoid speaking to you whatsoever, or they're anxious but get defensive because it feels like an attack and now you're in an argument that goes nowhere.

They might already be working on it and asking for affirmations is something their therapist suggested to try and get them out of their own head but they're taking it too far, they may be in therapy but still working on their anxiety and not yet at a point where they're good at catching these things. Unless you know for a fact what they're doing outside of your interactions with them, you probably don't know if that's something they know and are working on.

The tip's centered on things they can change in the moment, aka lowering their voice, etc, not who they are as a person. Its like how you don't point out a physical issue or change on someone if they can't fix it in the moment- having something in their teeth yes, gaining a few pounds since the last you saw them absolutely no. If they're asking if they're annoying, point out what they can fix in the moment and focus on how its making you feel, not what you think they feel/think that's causing the behaviour.

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