Submitted by Lexafaye t3_zqvpql in LifeProTips
If your ex/friend/someone you’ve made the decision to cut off asks for a final conversation for “closure” ask yourself: when you expressed a grievance did they ask you for examples to “understand” but when you give examples, they’d spend the conversation telling you how those examples aren’t good examples/how you misunderstood?
It’s not closure they want, it’s one final chance to convince you not to cut them off. Don’t fall for it.
This is interesting to see people believe stuff like this. I think it's very situational
I love reading irrelevant blanket statements that cover a subset of the population
So, you're justifying ghosting someone? This is very cowardly. As another pointed out already, it is very situational. If another human being has invested themselves in you personally, it speaks volumes about your character how you treat them when it comes to end a relationship. This is not a pro life tip. It is the poor advice from a coward. Someone should have a word with your mother on how she failed to properly raise you.
What do you mean?
OP made a blanketing generalization. Not everyone’s intention is what OP claims.
Wow! Your mum taught you to be highly critical!
You mean "discerning." FIFY and edited
Being intentional, communicative and assertive about ending a relationship that was not good for you is by no means “ghosting.” Ghosting is thrown around too much by people upset that others are no longer tolerating their bs.
Not a blanket statement, title is for brevity: this post only applies if you answered “yes” to the question I asked in the post
Kinda amazed at the comments on this one--this /is/ situation-specific advice, and having been through & taken years to identify "this other person doesn't actually see me or have any respect for me as a person, they just want me to obey them" the example is good to keep in mind as a red flag behavior. It's often the "dealing with this person is rough, but idk why" factor.
For those that don't get it, this is specifically where the person asking for closure has never actually listened, and you've brought up the issues that ultimately caused the breakup before, multiple times. So you've told them, and their responses were "no, you're wrong" and "I'm disqualifying that example, so unless you have a pile, that's not a valid issue" (except /all/ the examples would be disqualified or "wrong")
Obviously if you're objectively wrong on something, that's another matter (like, google says you're wrong tier), but if you're bringing up a behavior/communication/etc issue, a good partner isn't going to go "that doesn't count, you're wrong and your feelings are wrong". They're going to try & work with you, listen to what you're saying, and have a discussion about how they/you can do something about it together.
That "actually, you're wrong" response is just a red flag that a "closure" meeting won't actually close anything. You'd tell them why--which you would have already brought up multiple times & probably also in the breakup message/speech--and they would say you're wrong, and Clearly you should get back together because you're just misunderstanding everything.
And then you're in the high-emotion/tension situation of trying to convince them that yes, you're still breaking up even though they think you're wrong about & misunderstanding & "they know better than you", and you could have avoided it all with "no, I told you why we're breaking up" or similar instead of agreeing to help with "closure".
This is not a one and done type of tip and is highly situational.
You're right in that you never owe someone something, but just because a relationship ends doesn't mean that the two people do not love/care for each other legitimately, they may have just outgrown each other, or may have found that they have different goals in life that they're not willing to give up.
I would not provide this opportunity in cases where a person is known for being emotionally manipulative, or potentially dangerous.
I would provide this opportunity in cases where the love is still there, there is no [or very little] chance of falling back into the relationship, but where I still wished for the best for that person and cared about them.
Of all my relationships over the years, there is only one ex that I am on bad terms with for being an emotionally manipulative and toxic person. She got only exactly what she deserved, which was absolutely nothing. Everyone else? I wish them all the best in life, and even early in the "breaking" would do what I could to make it easier.
Perhaps you mean discerning?
Yet, you offered your advice without any clarification regarding BS or toxic relationships. It was simply blanket advice.
People's motives will vary. What people ought to know instead is that closure is not something you can give someone else.
If you have respect for or still care about the person it’s a dick move to just ignore them…
Sometimes people you care about will continue to do emotional harm/manipulate and there is nothing wrong with cutting off contact in these cases
Yeah, but not until after you give them an opportunity to have a conversation with you. Show up and they don’t listen? Just leave. But just cause you’re scared it’ll be hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it
Depends on the situation. Closure is really necessary. I wouldn't expect a "done and ghost" unless there is physical abuse, infidelity or illegal activity. Closure is 100% expected and needed, imo.
I disagree. I'm old, it's late, and I'm tired. Closure is never necessary.
That just shows that you didn't care in the first place and can't make emotional connections.
People deserve a conversation, answers and an explanation when they’re being dumped. Closure can help both parties move on.
Make sure to align on the intention of the conversation beforehand though. The intention should indeed be closure and to have any open questions answered. There is nothing wrong with having that dialogue with an ex-partner.
Be sure though that the conversation remains objective and constructive. You are always able to set a boundary or end the conversation as soon as you notice it shifts from constructive closure towards blaming, guilt tripping or trying to win you back.
If an ex-partner already has the habit of doing the latter then sure, you can deny them the conversation as a way of protecting your own mental health. Though don’t deny through stonewalling and/or ghosting, but respectfully let the other person know you do not feel comfortable engaging in further conversation with them and explain to them why.
It’s really dependent on the situation I’d say.
First and foremost be kind whenever possible.
What a relief. For a moment there I thought you were going to accuse me of being an immature emotionally needy manchild who is clueless about why anyone would dump him.
Haha. Have a lovely festive period @constantamazement
Thank you! Take a bow.
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