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[deleted] t1_j19umd2 wrote

I'd like to add that if you continue spying on your SO, your friends who are mature with responsibilities of their own don't want to hear about it. Go to your gossipy friends and share every iota of what you're doing, speculating, etc. Leave your mature, balanced friends out of it.


ibeecrazy t1_j1a7fec wrote

This sounds personal


FabulouslyFrantic t1_j1abw76 wrote

I get it tho. The umpteenth time someone comes to me and just spews the same drama I'm going to tell them to politely f off.

If you're jealous but refuse to do anything about it, there's only so much sympathy I can offer before I tell you to either DO something to change your situation or leave me alone.

There's a difference between being a good friend and being an emotional dumping ground for someone who produces/invites drama.


__NOT__MY__ACCOUNT__ t1_j1adx6x wrote

I'm so thankful for my friends not doing this shit


suckmyeyegoo t1_j1aghfm wrote

I'm so thankful my friends can talk to me about whatever that want because I fucking love them.

I'm thankful I have real friends that let me talk about what's on my heart.


V4Vendota t1_j1aesx5 wrote

It most definitely is. Not everyone wants to be roped into negative stupid shit. Especially these days.


ibeecrazy t1_j1afwj1 wrote

100% and it takes way more effort to stay out of it, than should be required. Hope you survive the holidays! :)


tahqa t1_j1af5j1 wrote

I think we found the person they're cheating with.


5YOChemist OP t1_j19vy0f wrote

Yes this is a great point.


FabulouslyFrantic t1_j1ac49x wrote

Are 5 year-olds even allowed to be chemists? Do you have an adult with you that can help you get the fancy acids off of the top shelf? Do you have a step ladder to help you worknunder the fume hood?

So many questions!


RaspberryTechnical90 t1_j1ac08y wrote

Thissss. I very much want to be there for all my friends, but that shit gets draining once we’re grown.


fishling t1_j1a8x2g wrote

>If you are spying on your SO, confronting them and demanding they account for every minute of the day the relationship isn't healthy.

You're leaving a huge gap between "SO is doing/saying things that don't add up or seem suspicious or have lied for some reason" to "spying on them and demanding they account for every minute".

This is the gap where reasonable action and conversation lies, and your supposed LPT completely ignores it.

Your LPT seems to be written from the perspective of a cheater who doesn't want to be challenged or discovered on their cheating, and also wants to put the onus on the other person to break off the relationship. Win-win from the cheater's perspective: you either get to enjoy infidelity or the other person has to break it off, but without having proof so you don't have to face the accusation.

Terrible LPT.

Actual LPT: talk with SO before it escalates to demands or ultimatums. Also, don't cheat on your SO.


dpdxguy t1_j1aemyw wrote

Interesting take on OP's post. I took it to mean OP had been cheated on, was suspicious and spied to confirm their suspicions. Afterward they realized that the relationship was irrevocably broken at the point where they were suspicious. Suspicion, not confirmation, was the signal that they no longer trusted their partner.


fishling t1_j1aiapy wrote

I thought that on my initial read as well, but when I noticed the gap and read some of their other replies, I saw the original post differently.

It's possible to have "suspicions" without losing trust, and for those suspicions to have reasonable and true explanations due to miscommunications and differences in perception. Advising people to break up because of suspicions alone is terrible advice. Note that there is a lot of ambiguity here in how we all interpret "suspicions" as well, which means not everyone is necessarily talking about the same sort of thing.


dpdxguy t1_j1bq3v6 wrote

>It's possible to have "suspicions" without losing trust

Absolutely. But if your suspicions are leading you to investigate instead of ask, you've probably lost trust already.


fishling t1_j1bqudp wrote

That was my issue with OP's post: didn't suggest talking or anything, just skip that and go for breakup instead of investigate as the only alternatives.


jakedaboiii t1_j1ae2nz wrote

Terrible LPT.

Actual LPT: try to be the best person you can be


SlowRolla t1_j1afsx7 wrote

>wants to put the onus on the other person to break off the relationship

That's... ok? No one is under any obligation to stay with anyone else. Ever. Each person can say "not for me, thanks". There doesn't even have to be a reason that makes sense to the "breakee".


fishling t1_j1ah9a4 wrote

That's not what I said though.

Of course, no one is under any obligation to stay with anyone else, ever.

But, for a cheater to be the one that breaks the trust, and then say "if you don't trust me, you should break up with me instead of spying on me trying to discover the truth", then that's manipulative. The cheater, in that scenario, wants the best of everything: the benefits of infidelity, not getting challenged or being proved to be a cheater, and not having to initiate the breakup themselves, so they can reap the benefits of both relationships as long as possible.


hardingman t1_j1a4nd8 wrote

The theme of this advice is good and I agree if you don’t trust someone generally you shouldn’t be together! However, there’s a lot of grey area here and this may be based around 1 specific incident. Also in reality it can often be a lot easier for someone to face reality and up and leave when they have evidence and really see the truth.


brusiddit t1_j1a9p8z wrote

Finding the evidence can give you PTSD, man. But also... imagine staying with (or even breaking up on civil terms with) someone for years who deserves to be run over while crossing the street and eaten by crows.

It's healthier to not spy, but some people will just keep cheating on you forever and lying to your face.


talking_phallus t1_j1abg8e wrote

Not finding evidence can eat away at you just as much. You'll second guess yourself, believe their and probably some other people's gas lighting, blame yourself for being the real problem, etc.

You catch them in the act then at least you have closure.


lmbrjck t1_j1agc4i wrote

You don't need evidence to break up. Sometimes it's better to walk away. Cheaters are going to continue to cheat, and confronting them with evidence isn't going to change anything. If you still feel like you can't trust them after talking about it, maybe it's time to break up. Healthy relationships require trust.


brusiddit t1_j1f4xel wrote

Personally, the main reason i would want evidence is to convince myself to give up on communication and end a relationship with a liar, or to know whether to treat them like a cheater instead of a friend afterwards. Also, if their reasons for cheating were super malicious, telling others what they did seems justified, and i'd never make those kind of accusations without being certain.


lmbrjck t1_j1frua0 wrote

Seems like a lot of unnecessary stress to put yourself through, in my opinion. I say just move on. You don't trust the person so why try to remain friends? Seems like you're just providing them more opportunities to manipulate you. You don't need to warn the world of their malicious behavior. It's not really a good look to carry around that baggage, whether or not it is justified. A well adjusted adult will move on.


brusiddit t1_j1hla16 wrote

Dunno how many times you have been married and divorced... i'm guessing not many.


lmbrjck t1_j1hqpv1 wrote

Never married, but I'm not some naive kid either. Love it when people act like that's some sort of insult. People often get married in a rush only to get divorced 2 years later. Marriage is not the end goal in my relationships, and I'm currently in a 9 year one. I've been in a few where I've been suspicious but you know what I did? Had a conversation about my concerns and why I felt that way. If I was looking to end a marriage, I would seek my lawyers advice and probably see a therapist. Divorce can be a traumatic event and anyone can benefit from help processing it.

When the division of assets is at stake, I can agree that the rules change a little. I've witnessed first hand how the obsession of finding proof has ruined a friend with proving his wife was cheating. He got it, and he tells just about everyone he meets. Our friends don't really like being around him because he feels like he needs to tell people about how awful his ex-wife was. This was 12 years ago. The way he talks about it, you would swear the wounds are fresh. He really needs to see a therapist, but refuses. I've got a few more similar stories which help shape my view. Those who have come out of it without visible emotional damage are those who have sought help.

You do whatever you have to do, but my experience is that the obsession is very unflattering and depending on how it manifests may affect existing and future relationships.


hakkai999 t1_j1aa4dl wrote

I kinda get where that mindset is coming from. Someone trying to convince themselves to leave is understandable (I still believe it's not justified but I understand why you'd want to do this) if they spy on their SO to finally give themselves their own freedom from their own mind but if they find out the truth and still stay, now that's on them.


Cynical_Manatee t1_j1a9uev wrote

Agreed. The person who needs to hear this won't be the one who listens. Having to check your SO's phone or spying is really controlling behaviour. If you resort to that, you werent going to let them go easily in the first place.


Actually-Yo-Momma t1_j1a4unz wrote

I wouldn’t say break up. I would say sit down, talk with them, and address your issues/insecurities

In high school/college both me and my spouse were super insecure about each other but honestly we were just dumb kids who didn’t know any better. We talked through it and addressed our concerns and now we’ve been married for 15 years


TheQueenUndying t1_j1b6lm5 wrote

Yeah this is advice is for adults. I hope by the time you in your mid 20's you start to trust yourself.


ellem45678 t1_j1a23lk wrote

If you have to spy on your SO something is wrong and you should speak to them first. If the issue can’t be resolved you shouldn’t be with that person


Chocolatethrowaway19 t1_j1a93c3 wrote

Yup, thats what the LPT is.


ellem45678 t1_j1aa5vz wrote

Just adding in my opinion 🤷🏽‍♀️


sailorj0ey t1_j1aar0r wrote

But your opinion is the LPT, like you're just saying it again.


DoobieBrotherhood t1_j1awi9m wrote

Not really.

Maybe I’m old, but OP’s LPT was to break up on the spot. It’s a terrible LPT for younger people who are more insecure.


talking_phallus t1_j1ab42v wrote

I mean it don't hurt to have proof before breaking it off. I feel like long term it would be healthier to have that closure. Plus if you're married then do everything you can to catch them in the act before you divorce. "Just leave" is cute but it's very much not applicable to all situations.


ellem45678 t1_j1abiao wrote

True. Every relationship is different. No one truly knows besides the two people involved what to do and what not to do but once you add in emotions it’s pretty hard


GaugeWon t1_j1a2lyf wrote

This is sage advice, unless you are a married man, and want to keep your kids. In that case, getting proof will help you get an uncontested divorce and go a long way towards proving that you aren't the least trustworthy parent in the relationship.


greentangent t1_j1ab2l9 wrote

Exactly. I already knew she was cheating, I just wanted to have all my ducks in a row for the lawyer.


-GeneralDerp- t1_j1a1zqp wrote

this is awful advice


theanonymoussnowman t1_j1a3dx6 wrote

Care to elaborate?


Actually-Yo-Momma t1_j1a5784 wrote

It’s childish. Questioning your trust for your partner is a symptom, not the problem. Identify the root cause of your insecurity and talk to your partner. If you don’t get the reciprocation you’re looking for after having a mature conversation, then consider breaking up


rifain t1_j1aal8f wrote

Thank you. I couldn’t comprehend how OP’s post is so popular, this is just terrible, terrible advice.


Tyalou t1_j1abt62 wrote

It is a good advice when you're young and don't want to put the effort in learning what being in a relationship is - at least when you don't want to learn within a single relationship because you basically break up every 6 weeks/months. After a few years, you know what you like, you know who you are and this advice is not relevant.


hellobeau t1_j1aazcc wrote

Sounds like it’s written from the POV of a list of cheater who doesn’t want to put up with confrontation to me.


SuperSentient t1_j1a5r6v wrote

First off, agreed, but damn, OP what side of the coin are you on here? Genuinely curious.

Feels like maybe u got burnt once, then that carried over to paranoia. Which honestly is totally understandable.

Or burnt once then, so u understand the paranoia, but flipped next where u got blamed for something that never happened.

Either way it's a weird game but I get it. Been on both sides.


Chocolatethrowaway19 t1_j1a9dhx wrote

Not all wisdom is from personal experience. OP might have just observed this in others and reflected on it.


SuperSentient t1_j1ac7u0 wrote

Lol this is actually fair, thanks.

However, I would say though that OP says either way it means the relationship prob should end. If it's an observed view, you really can't make that call unless u know the intricacies of the relationship in question. I've been in a relationship like this that went to shit, and a relationship that was like this for a period and then we got through it and was basically fine. Seen plenty of other friends make it as well, ofcourse to varying degrees, but it's not an uncommon speed bump for a long-term relationship.

Edit: Just re-read my reply and think my argument is flawed lol. Originally I thought OP speaking from experience (while claim is that relationship should end) then argued that if speaking from observation, then wrong to think relationship should end (cause they don't understand relationship). These don't line up haha. I think regardless of if OP got burnt or if observation, every relationship is so insanely different that you just can't blanket say u should end it. Ok I sleep now.


Corgon t1_j1a64k9 wrote

It's way too nuanced to slap a label on it like that. There's also a huge difference between spying and gathering evidence, they are not mutually exclusive.


Sofarbeyondfucked t1_j1a1aic wrote

Aunt and Uncle were like this. She was forever accusing him of cheating, just wearing the poor man down. He reached his wit’s end and hooked up with someone.

“If I’m gonna have to put up with your shit I may as well at least get the pleasure.”


blizzardspider t1_j1a80qv wrote

This sounds like a hot take your uncle made up to make his cheating seem ok "I only started cheating after she accused me of it!". Even if it's true it still doesn't excuse cheating instead of just breaking up.


Sofarbeyondfucked t1_j1a9764 wrote

Yeah, I dunno. She was a bitch on wheels and he should have simply left her. But “family values.”


Cynical_Manatee t1_j1aa52w wrote

I was gonna say. Marriage in certain circles and cultures are view as more permanent than they really are. Divorce is not as easy as handing in a piece of paper to some people.


Grammophon t1_j1aaupq wrote

Someone who honestly cares for family values doesn't cheat on their partner because they are jealous. You really have to put down those rose tinted glasses.


Sofarbeyondfucked t1_j1aoq9j wrote

Yeah, no shit. Hence the quotes. Thanks for telling me what I know about my life.


FindTheRemnant t1_j1a69ic wrote

He cheated because he was tired of being accused of cheating? Yeah no.

The aunt was likely picking up on signs he was a cheat risk, and he eventually proved she was correct.


PhasmaFelis t1_j1a80zx wrote

> The aunt was likely picking up on signs he was a cheat risk

So she was punishing him for crimes he was going to commit, and that makes it okay?

I'm not saying he was right or justified to cheat, in the end. But the fact that he did doesn't retroactively excuse her abuse. Some bad situations don't have a good guy.


Let_you_down t1_j1ab2l7 wrote

Folks who accuse others of cheating come in three forms: Projection. Cheating or want to cheat themselves, accuse partner of it.

Paranoia: Insecurities, previous experiences, misogyny/misandry/misanthropy. These peeps will be controlling or abusive towards their partners. Neglectful, no love/romance, partner can't do anything right. Often done when a partner cannot easily leave the situation (marriage, living together, kids, etc).

Folks who just get it: Very empathetic people who pick up on cues and the emotional state of other people.

If it was the third, I imagine aunt would have approached it differently. Peeps with that level of empathy and intuition are going to avoid most of those problems before they become a problem, and they certainly address problems differently than that.


Due-World2907 t1_j19tnc8 wrote

Maybe get some actual proof?


5YOChemist OP t1_j19vp24 wrote

You know, if you're dealing with prenups or something. But what does having proof change? If you're just dating then "we don't trust each other" is a good reason to break to break up.


Avium t1_j1a3nhl wrote

It's not just about a prenup. Not everywhere has "no fault" divorces.

And, even if they do, other things like alimony, child support, and child custody can be changed based on proof of infidelity.


Ayjayz t1_j1adr1t wrote

Obviously if you have got the government involved then you need to treat things differently.


Traditional_Shoe6893 t1_j1a1k5a wrote

Kids … or if your with a narcissist. Trust me when I say it’s not that easy to just leave. People need proof especially in a situation like that.


Empire2k5 t1_j1a4yel wrote

This. It really isn't that easy. Had a girl keep manipulating me to stay after every time I tried breaking up, till I finally got hurt enough to just tell her to fuck off and lost all feelings for her.


wandrlusty t1_j1adcvp wrote

I disagree. The complete closure, confirmation that you were correct in your suspensions, and relief can actually be sheer joy. The definitive knowledge that they were cheating, and then not having to second-guess yourself, wonder if you’re judging them to harshly, and go mentally crazy from the gaslighting is TOTALLY WORTH IT.


bunnyphang t1_j19zxld wrote

I'd rather be betrayed by a friend than suspect a friend of treachery.

Either give them your absolute trust, or break it off. Otherwise you'll be looking over your shoulder for your entire life.


FindTheRemnant t1_j1a619k wrote

Curious to know if you've ever actually been seriously betrayed by a close friend?


Grammophon t1_j1aamhd wrote

I wonder if you have ever actually been betrayed. It's honestly one of the most painful things I've gone through in my life. And I'm quite old.


ASVPcurtis t1_j1ag8pd wrote

nah trust is earned just as much as it is expected. If you behave in an suspicious manner then don't expect people to trust you. but hey if you enjoy sharing your partner with another go for it.


FarttSuck3r t1_j19udzn wrote

Wow. Very good tip and easy for someone in that situation to do!


deeretech129 t1_j1a7bk0 wrote

This is the kind of tip that really is easy to understand and do when you're not in the situation, but at the heat of the moment and when you have strong feelings for someone it can be challenging to pull yourself back and look at things objectively.


ScenicPineapple t1_j1a2z6p wrote

So many people are in bad relationships and don't realize just how bad it is until they look at it from a 3rd perspective. I wish i knew these things years ago, but just gotta learn the hard way with relationships and how easily humans can lie and deceive others.


The_Reginald_ t1_j1a9bi8 wrote

Nothing about your first sentence is spying. Except the use of the word "spying".


SapperBomb t1_j1aahp2 wrote

Good advice, but there's something to be said for trust, but verify. A non-obtrusive peek every now and then. I only say that because I was bamboozled by a previous gf. A mixture of having my love blinders on and possibly psychopathy on her part. Either way gotta protect your neck


Alert-Fly9952 t1_j1aawps wrote

A lot easier said than done if you have kids, a mortage and a car payment. I personally think adultry is a good reason to divorce, but you don't make life change like that without some good evidence.


F2LSL8R7HFY6 t1_j1afg2r wrote

This is an overly generalized take. While I agree with the overall premise of the message you are conveying, there are many other unaccounted factors. "Just break up" is much easier when the person isn't someone you have been together with for 20 years, have 3 kids and built a life together with.

Yes, the healthy thing is to recognize when it's time to throw in the towel. But walking away from something like that is not that easy. Everyone's situation is different and I didn't want others in similiar situation to feel diminished and dismissed.


gunburns88 t1_j19wbha wrote

Doveryai, no proveryai


Fyrefawx t1_j1a8tht wrote

As someone who has been through this, trust me it’s not worth it. Either you try to trust them or it’s over. Living with that constant feeling of mistrust is terrible.

My suggestion is to find out why you think they would be trying to cheat in the first place and work on that. They might be lonely, or bored in the bed room. It’s never too late to turn things around.


atworkworking t1_j1a9qu7 wrote

It's not just paranoia, it could also be how the person grew up and the kind of stuff they dealt with from their parents or previous relationships.


ShoeLace1291 t1_j1aal6e wrote

Depends on how long you've been together. Building that much trust takes time.


keepthetips t1_j19tg3z wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.


RapedByPlushies t1_j1a6rcz wrote

> The other possibility is that you are a paranoid maniac.

Lol. The false dichotomy and palpable angst is strong here.

How about they may have a undiagnosed mental disorder, and should seek professional treatment to discover how others deal with this?

Anecdotally, children who had parents that cheated on each other and had terrible divorces are more likely to have trust issues because they think the other shoe will drop any moment.

Rather than lashing out at folks reading your post who might have had a terrible childhood, maybe be understanding and suggest that the behavior is abnormal and detrimental to their goal of having a happy life.


seejordan3 t1_j1a70gk wrote

This is true of anything surrounding jealousy. Trust or GTFO.


brusiddit t1_j1aa84p wrote

3rd option... don't constantly spy. If you are gonna spy, make sure it will result in concrete proof and never do it again.


Joskrilla t1_j1a7dbr wrote

but how will we get those hot cheating videos?


ExiledToTerminus t1_j1a831d wrote

Yeah, if you get to the point you are spying, things have already gone way wrong


IDontRentPigs t1_j1a8bba wrote

If you’re “spying”, “confronting”, and “demanding”, you’re the problem.


Quizdisco t1_j1a8rp1 wrote

...I had this friend who had serious trust issues. He totally trusted his wife, could never imagine her cheating(she's an angel really), but he was a serial womaniser and distrusted everyother person in his life, from his friends, brothers, to his staff, colleagues even to his girlfriends. ...............

Difficult to understand.....I think people who seem to have serious trust issues expect others to do what they would have done. .......Simply put, they expect to see their reflection in others


Tyalou t1_j1adca7 wrote

Nice try covering cheating on your friend's wife.


rtthc t1_j1abkw7 wrote

I'd like to chime in here since I went through this very issue recently. There's lots of back story, more than I care to mention here really but anyway, My girlfriend(now wife) at the time went out with friends one night and ended up getting a little drunk and made out with a girl at a bar. She didn't tell me about it and bragged about the girl to one of her friends through text. I checked her phone and found it. Sure a part of me felt bad about checking her phone when she didn't show any signs of infidelity beforehand that I shouldn't trust her. But nevertheless my intuition proved right and she was hiding something. After confronting her immediately and we discussed breaking up and her moving out I decided we can attempt to work through it. I still love her and a mistake is a mistake so I gave her options. In fact, I wasn't mean or hurtful about it but I gave her multiple options to leave me and go be with other people. She insisted I'm all she wants and it was a mistake. So still I gave her free reign to do whatever makes her happy and after many emotional nights and hard days I decided to forgive her and attempt to move past it. It's been three months now and I'm better about it but not over the betrayal and I'll never forget the blatant disrespect. But hey we're human. We've been married for awhile now and honestly we are both happy and healthy in our relationship. Yes yes I know the saying once a cheater always a cheater, sometimes you have to risk it and risk looking like a fool for someone you love. If she fucks me over again and I end up wasting time so be it. I'll still love her and support whatever makes her happy. So I've quit worrying about her phone, who she talks to, or where she goes. I have to let doubt go and just trust and accept what she tells me. Otherwise we would be doomed. I would expect her to be patient and give me a chance if I ever made a mistake.


poundsub88 t1_j1aclg5 wrote

But what if I end up breaking up with a good person who only wanted the best for me, and that I have to confront the reality that maybe I'm the problem?



rom197 t1_j1acs4d wrote

Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.


Tyalou t1_j1acwro wrote

Wear a fake mustache and see if you can still have sex with them so you can confront them!


KCBandWagon t1_j1ad4yz wrote

I forget the psychological term, but if you've done something or thinking about something you're more likely to suspect someone of doing that as well.

So if you suspect your SO of cheating or don't trust them then might wanna think about what you've done.

Of course if it's the case where you've been cheated on or they've already cheated then it's another issue to deal with.


i-like-bums t1_j1ada6z wrote

But what if I want to watch them fuck someone else?


NerdyDan t1_j1adaao wrote

I would agree except for if you are generally an anxious person


james-HIMself t1_j1aduuq wrote

I had a friend who caught his girlfriend cheating by reading her purchase receipts that were in her wallet to confirm she was in certain area. Suffice to say he was right, but at what cost?


DivvySUCKS t1_j1ae12o wrote

Uh-oh, someone caught the early flight home from Cleveland.


ASVPcurtis t1_j1aew7k wrote

You shouldn't have to spy on your SO. but you also shouldn't expect unconditional trust.

You should work to earn your partner's trust just as much as you should expect them to trust you


gbchrome t1_j1af9mg wrote

I think too though if it’s a legit misunderstanding by either party then both can come back from it. Adults talk shit out & if they can’t then it is really is doomed.

But yes it’ll be tiring if either is constantly suspecting things. I was sent on a spiral recently due to things my gf said w/o realizing contradictions & it even happened a 2nd time when I thought I would just clear it up & it made it murkier.

3rd time I brought it up though I had lost a bit of trust in them, but never questioned their intent still, even though I realized I also uncovered a thing that most people might have freaked out over & been accusatory over.

She was definitely defensive as she assumed I was implying accusations w/o actually making them fully. I think she’s either thought I wasn’t being direct enough or that I was thinking like her ex, either case was wrong though. I just wanted an honest conversation of the matter.

She then had her own blow up w/ me 2-3 weeks later over something I meant aaa joke & light heartedly as if I was being serious. Although even if I was serious I didn’t see it mattering much given what we were discussing & how I felt about the conversation, we were both being obviously silly I felt like.


devilsephiroth t1_j1afdav wrote

Treating me like i was guilty is what pushed me away. Shit was insufferable. He was literally in my phone, my fucking phone! I have fingerprint unlock how the fuck?


Trssty t1_j1afdis wrote

Especially at this time, don’t track locations.

(I’ve been driving all over town buying Christmas surprises for my husband. If he was tracking my location he’d think I had cheated 10 times in the last week.)


RandyAcorns t1_j1afp13 wrote

What about the people who do trust their spouse but their spouse is cheating on them?


BaileyBrown108 t1_j1ag27x wrote

Yes this . Same goes if you're innocent but under constant suspicion.


Audrin t1_j1agtus wrote

This tip really ignores the reality a lot of people are going through. I was with my wife for ten years before I got suspicious, and I caught her because I went into her social media. I couldn't 'just break up' and if I'd confronted her she would have gaslit me (she gaslit me when I confronted her with PROOF but without the proof the gaslighting would have worked.) We have a child and a home and a life I couldn't just walk away from because of suspicions. I really felt like I was being a paranoid creep when I finally dipped into her social media, but there it was in full color, a photo of her and her best friend naked together that they'd sent to my best friend. God, that was not a good day.


Anyway, five years later, that friend is out of her life, we're still together and I don't know if I'll ever fully trust anyone again. Yay. Your advice is bad.


bikegooroo t1_j1ah45x wrote

In my state, u have to prove a spouse is cheating with a PI in order to get a more favorable divorce status. I'll never know bc I am undesirable.


Effective_Pie1312 t1_j1ahcmm wrote

Spying on partner or demanding a second by second replay of the day is like putting spouse on a performance improvement plan (PIP). The trust is broken. Really the only purpose is for either is documentation to justify going your separate ways. It can happen but rarely does anyone improve under scrutiny of such actions and moral for all goes downhill.


CoffeyNut t1_j1aiw1r wrote

My ex husband was sneaky. I’d find hidden alcohol and drugs, online romances, etc. It made me nervous all the time. I couldn’t just walk into a room he was in, use a shared computer, or even put laundry away without finding the next cause to feel hurt. I still had those nervous habits when I first met my current husband. We talked about it and he encouraged me to make every effort to raid his privacy. In the 16 years we’ve been married, I’ve never once uncovered deception. If I ever walked in on him bumping uglies with someone else, I’d sooner believe that he tripped and fell in! My advice: when someone tells you who they are by words or actions, believe it.


diaretical t1_j1aix92 wrote

Story time! I got lucky and made a ton of money off the market a couple years ago. Decided to finally leave my abusive significant other. She started putting a tile tracker in my car to try to spy on my location to make a case that I was cheating on her to scare me into giving her as much money from my retirement/investment portfolio as possible (even though we were only together for 15 months, had no kids). Moral of the story - if your ex starts accusing you of being somewhere at a certain time and you have no idea how she might know, it’s time to shut your mouth, get a restraining order, and let the lawyers duke it out. Nothing good came from trying to convince her of anything other than the scenario she had already created in her head. Left her 2 years ago and I’ve never been happier.


midgethepuff t1_j1ajzu7 wrote

I’d like to encourage anyone who wants to put surveillance on their partner that they suspect of cheating to listen to the podcast Bad Bad Thing. It’s only 6 episodes.


GreyMediaGuy t1_j1am39k wrote

And stay off their phones. No one above 12 does that.


astockalypse_now t1_j1apsxl wrote

I'd say the only reason that justifies it is possibly if you were having unprotected sex and want to know for sure if you should go get tested... at least that was my justification for snooping which was also to confirm what I already knew. I was right and I got tested. I never did it with other partners after just her because I was like 99% sure I was getting cheated on.


RailRuler t1_j1ad02g wrote

You're assuming that the reason that someone is spying/confronting/stalking their SO is to determine if they're cheating, when usually the actual reason someone does this this is because they're an abuser, and harassing their partner, making them feel powerless and out of control, enables the abuser to maintain/extend their control.


bigedcactushead t1_j1an7n0 wrote

Lame. Are you seriously going to divorce your spouse on a hunch?