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srfrosky t1_j6flzwz wrote

This is odd advice. The person from whom I learned to not be jealous in a relationship was the first person I truly loved and remain attached to despite no longer being a couple. I learned that possessiveness has zero to do with love. In fact it’s almost the opposite. Consider this: would you love a nice or nephew less if they didn’t care that much for you? If you answer yes, then you know your love is conditional. Then carry that over to other people/relations. There you will see if you can love without the condition of reciprocity. And if you can’t, there is your problem: you haven’t learned to love. That means your affection is transactional. Once love is not transactional, then you can still feel sad if you are not loved back, but still be able to love and care for someone all the same.

So almost the opposite of “detachment”. I’ve learned that the key is to destroy possessiveness, not the emotional attachment to someone. Let others be free to love and care freely. Then chose to either love them or not for who they are, not by how well they love you back. Destroy the requirement of reciprocity.
Destroy transactional affection.
That’s how you learn to love, and do so jealousy free!

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nutterbutters54321 t1_j6g6dv0 wrote

This is what cult weirdo keith raneire taught members of his harem to convince them that their objections to having sex with other people was their problem, and to convince them to take his abuse freely.

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srfrosky t1_j6g8k1r wrote

I think you took two words “love” & “freely” and made the connection. But nothing of what I said renders anyone incapable of choosing who to be with, or enables abuse or coercion. Read more carefully what I wrote. It merely describes relations free of possessiveness, and i question those that demand reciprocity to love. None of that should be controversial. Don’t we all always talk about love devoid of condition as love of the highest form?

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nutterbutters54321 t1_j6pfyrh wrote

That’s what abusers used to justify taking other people’s love and showing none in return. I would not advise anybody getting tangled up with anyone in that way outside of a parent-child relationship. If someone treats you like garbage or fails to show you love that becomes a data point in your decision about your regard for them.

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srfrosky t1_j6phgga wrote

Yikes. I think you got a very backwards understanding of love if you think it’s transactional and conditional. I’m happy to say that I love who I chose to love, and am happy to report that if someone is toxic or abusive towards me or others I’m free to distance myself from them on those grounds. You see, you don’t HAVE to love someone that is awful. The only distinction is that you can love independent to what you get in return. But it takes maturity to not insert power dynamics. You should give it a try. Cheers 🥂

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