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All friends start carrying nerf guns. Any time he makes a negative comment, he gets shot.

Buy extra ammo.

When the situation could occur like before bowling or such you could tell a story that concludes with you saying: people who complain only are annoying.

And when your friend ultimately start with his complaining, you can tell him that he complains a lot.

If this does not work, you have to straight up tell him.

I wonder what would happen if you all cheered him on? Whenever he says he’s doing something poorly or wrong in response “Are you serious man? You got this! Keep going! You can do it!”

He is talking himself into it when he talks down to himself. It sounds like he thinks that way or he just wants to be uplifted?

I totally understand how it can be frustrating and exhausting. If you feel it inside you to talk to him then do what you feel is right. It might be what he needs. If he is really down about himself then I’d recommend doing it kindly. How would you want to be talked too?

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Be fucking honest and transparent.

I think the best way to handle this is to explain in a direct assertive manner how his complaining is bringing you down. Furthermore it is not healthy and in no way will help him win nor bowl better or ever be agreeable to anyone including him/her. Direct is best but all too often we're told things in an off hand way and given a riddle to solve. Pepple are so afraid of confronting issues these day,directly.

I like the nerf gun approach as well.

Just tell him straight out. You'll be doing him a favor saying it clearly or he's going to be wondering why no one wants him around anymore.

Overtaking him with love would be fun. I wish I could see the progress he would make if he was riddled with positivity. After laughing and being grossed out, he may break.

He might not get it. He might think it's self-deprecating humor--he might, honestly, think that he's being funny and humble and relatable. Seriously.

It's worth asking him in a gentle confrontation.

He might also just not know how to get POSITIVE attention.

I know something that rocked my mindset (though I'm not sure how to make it practicable here): we did an exercise in a workshop I was in where we wrote down all our negative self talk. Then the trainer asked us "would you talk like that to your closest and best friend? Would you tell them 'you suck, you're so terrible, you never do anything right'?"

Yeah, well, if you wouldn't talk to your best friend like that, why are you talking to yourself like that?

Another nugget: Cheri Huber, my favorite American Buddhist, said (and I'm paraphrasing) that if beating ourselves up actualy worked to make us improve, we'd all be perfect by now. Beating yourself up doesn't work as self improvement.

That’s a good POV, thank you for thinking about it that way. I’m not sure if my words will really have an impact on him, but there is only one way to find out. Thanks again

Thank you for giving direct advice. I think it might help to ease him into the “complainers are annoying” point of view before hitting him with that statement

I appreciate your concern for him, and I don’t want to sound like I’m blowing off your advice, but we have tried that with no success. I’ve offered to try and help with his technique/strategy, but he just blows me off and falls back into the same “I suck” mentality.

I guess I’m asking for more confrontational advice, because trying to change his outlook hasn’t worked. I think he really needs to hear how it affects others. Any thoughts on that question? Thanks again btw

What is the next gun approach?

I’m glad to see that you have such a positive outlook. Maybe I should’ve said this in the original post, but I really think this guy is a narcissist. If not that, then highly egotistical.

Record them and play it back like a week later.

"Hey man, I noticed that you're kind of a dick to yourself. You're always saying something bad about yourself and calling attention to it. Is everything ok? I hope you don't think I'm thinking those things about you, I enjoy having you around."

Sounds like insecurity to me. He's worried he's a fuck up and everyone else thinks it, too. If he calls the mistakes out first others can't expose him and humiliate him. As a friend it's good to know how your friends need to be reassured/shown love and acceptance. Sounds like some verbal reassurance could help him, point out things he does well, compliment something genuine - not something forced or fake sounding, show him some love. And if the group is talking about it, and the group cares for this friend, the group all bands together to build him up not make him feel worse. And then, when he's ready, you shit talk him as usual and harmony is once again achieved.

You're a good friend. Good luck.

Ask them if they’d be concerned if you were doing that constantly?

Other comment that suggested the nerf gun

I would approach it from a place of concern for him or a boundary. Ask him if he is doing ok, as you have noticed how negative he is seeing his achievements. Are you and your friends giving him high standards, is he afraid to miss out or does he have to be the best at everything? Either he will open up or be embarresed that you are concerned. Eiter way, you hopefully get him to stop.

Or you state a clear boundary: You really like him as a friend but his competitiveness makes competitive activies Hard for all of you, so he either changes or you will no longer invite him.

There will be no change without some pain

When a coworker of mine was going through it and sounding like he was depressed, I basically called him out on it but focused on giving tips for positive self talk.

1 is instead of saying something directly self-deprecating, say something positive but however sarcastic you want to be. Instead of "Why am I so stupid" for making a mistake, you should be saying "wOw, I aM sO sMaRt". It satisfies both the need to insult yourself and for compliments and is supposed to be a way to initially break that cycle of negative talk. I imagine that whole trend of slang being used ironically until it's used legitimately works similarly.

2 is to force him to give himself a specific, genuine compliment. When he's complaining about his bowling skill, go "Hey! Friend, give yourself a compliment. Say how good you are at this other task/sport." (Ideally he'll go "hell yeah I'm amazing at that!" But I don't know you or your friend)

Like I said, this worked to help pull a friend of mine out of it, and is something I try to keep in mind for myself as well, but everyone is different.

A more general universal truth is that it's a lot harder to break a bad habit if you don't have a good habit to replace it with. Encourage good habits and it will be easier to discourage bad ones.

The video game stuff is common and is a problem. First step is to make sure he knows you (and anyone within 100 meters) hears it clearly. Sometimes people don't realize how loud it is and we'll be embarrassed and that others don't like it. Next time he screams fully scream his name back, him: rage screaming, you: "KYLE FUCKING CHILL". Using the same volume can be important to remind him there's no emergency, everyone can hear, it's weird and interrupts, and there's no reason to be upset.

The general negativity part (especially during activities) you should just be very direct. Tell him to relax, chill, stop 'freaking out', etc..., and tell him what you said here, he's usually not a great bowler and ask why he's upset. Listen to the answer.

He might be complaining for attention, he might feel a weird sense of failure or competition you can help resolve.

A lot of the comments are very 'conflict avoidance' methods, or come of like a weirdly serious intervention. This isn't that serious but it's still annoying, handle it directly without it being a huge deal. None of this "Kyle we need to talk, come sit down, this is a safe space" but call it out when it happens or beforehand and don't treat it like a delicate and dangerous issue, relax and be casual and simply call it out.

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Not everybody have to be with everybody at all outings.

Call him(?) on it next time, right when he makes the comment. It's very hard to change this kind of behavior, so in case you need to hear this- that person is not your responsibility.

No no it’s okay! Being in the situation you know more about what’s going on. I have definitely met people like that. And it is a different rodeo. I appreciate you enlightening me!

I think you are right. He does need to know!

I have a parent who is a narcissist/egotistical. And sometimes it’s an endless battle. With my situation at least. Do what feels right and especially for your mental health. Just know when to choose your sanity.

I wish you luck and hope everything works out!

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I have a coworker like this. A catastrophist who’ll start the day off with “Man, today is gonna suck”

It’s like, well yea NOW it is, because you’ve decided it will suck.

You think, therefore you are. It requires a big mindset shift, nothing will improve while their attitude refuses to

"I don't like it when anyone talks sh*t about my friends, including themselves. Negative self-talk is not helping anyone, are you open to trying to reduce it?"