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louiseifyouplease t1_j6i2a49 wrote

A great way to get comfortable conversing with others is to ask good questions. After introductions, start with the usual such as where they grew up or what they do with their free time. Listen and take cues for follow up questions. That will let you know their own level of comfort level of sharing, and they will be more interested in the conversation because people do like to talk about themselves. Also, keep it positive. We each have enough negative BS thrown at us each day, and an upbeat conversation where we are listened to is a welcome event.

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purplepinksky t1_j6ijom3 wrote

Agreed. The key is to ask questions that reveal what the other person enjoys talking about, and then focus the conversation on that. Some people love talking about their work, some about their favorite tv shows, some about their vacations, some about their kids. One way to start is by asking for recommendations (“You see any good movies lately?”). Ideally, you find a topic that genuinely interests you as well. If you’re lucky, they’ll turn it around and start asking you questions as well.

Just be interested, not intrusive. They will like you more if it doesn’t feel like an interrogation, but rather an opportunity to share their thoughts with someone who actually sees them.

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Flaky-Wallaby5382 t1_j6ics4j wrote

FORD… ask others about their Family Occupation Recreation Dreams

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glassdoorknob75 t1_j6j4cjt wrote

Is the idea at these all being something they do to organize/manage/make better their life, focusing on these being about things they do and decisions they make? I kinda see this as both a readily flattering (also ordinary so that's safe) field of topic and somewhat dangerous to approach.

Edit: missed words

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Flaky-Wallaby5382 t1_j6j5c3i wrote

More simple… its easy to relate to and people like to talk about themselves.

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glassdoorknob75 t1_j6j863s wrote

Thanks for explaining! I've always felt anxious talking/having others talk about these, seeing them as either very long stories or very short ones and very specific to the person themself. I'm gonna try to listen in on some conversations keeping the idea in mind :D

(By either very long or very short I imagine things'd be like: "at work everything just.... happens the way it must" "my mother tries to find herself a second husband and i'm worried because she really isn't the people type, she's got empty ideas about how living with people should work. but then so have i so anyways not in a place to judge but still worried......")

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Flaky-Wallaby5382 t1_j6jbcia wrote

Thats why you go down the FORD progression. Eg Did you grow up around here? Are your kids nearby? They give a short answer move onto occupation. What do you do for work? Is that your passion? Get no engagement move onto recreation. What do you like to do for fun? Etc….

If its very one sided either you haven’t clicked on aomething they want to talk about or they dont want to talk to you. Knowing when to stop is just as imporntant. Exhaust the whole FORD then say it was great meeting you and immediately move on

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glassdoorknob75 t1_j6jebpu wrote

Used as a system to find out what the person is ok talking about! Ach, thank you so much I finally understand this.... I've mistakenly thought of it as a flatly structured(?) pool of green-light questions but this is organized quite differently! Must be easy on the other person's nerves too because at this level the asker wouldn't look nervous for them to feel like they must answer..

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Aunt_Anne t1_j6ioi5z wrote

Don't try to be interesting, try to be interested in them. Focus on asking good questions instead of telling good stories.

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jonhasglasses t1_j6i76x7 wrote

I don’t think you can be a good conversationalist without sharing personal information. I strongly feel that a good conversationalist show vulnerability which encourages other people to share more. The easiest way to show vulnerability in a conversation is to talk about personal things. If you don’t share you are just interviewing I hate feeling interviewed when having a conversation.

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obnoxiousab t1_j6icqfj wrote

I disagree. I have had many many long conversations without sharing much. People hear what they want to hear.

There are so, so many things to speak deeply about without sharing much about yourself. Travel, arts, pop culture, food, wine, music is just a start. And you still don’t know lick about me.

I am very good at making people think I’m sharing, when I’m not at all. And they don’t think I’m interviewing them. That, plus people LOVE to hear themselves share. All up it makes me a fantastic conversationalist.

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SPQC t1_j6j98n1 wrote

I read this in the voice of Patrick Bateman.

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o_-o_-o_- t1_j6jtcbk wrote

>There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.

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SPQC t1_j6ju7j2 wrote

>Travel, arts, pop culture, food, wine, music is just a start. And you still don’t know lick about me.
>
>I am very good at making people think I’m sharing, when I’m not at all. And they don’t think I’m interviewing them.

Especially this part.

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GermanRedditorAmA t1_j6isw03 wrote

Sounds like you're better at manipulating than at having a conversation and I'm not sure why anyone would be proud of that.

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obnoxiousab t1_j6j292h wrote

I have true conversations when they are worth it. The hundreds of other “conversations” I have over the course of a week or month aren’t.

But thanks for the compliment!

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ConstantAmazement t1_j6il2fj wrote

A good conversationist is well-read and educates themselves on a wide range of topics. Develop interests in recent world, national, and local news and cultural events, history, science and philosophy. In short, become the person you want to keep good company.

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SmackEh t1_j6i434r wrote

You can be a good conversationalist and also overshare personnal things. The two are not mutually exclusive.

That being said, just pick topics that are not personal, yet interesting to everyone. (sports is an easy one since it's less controversial than politics.. but not everyone loves sports so be careful).

Ask open ended questions (avoid questions with simple yes or no answers)

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Aiizimor t1_j6ivdoj wrote

You listen and geniunly care about what they have to say. You there to hear eatch other, not use then as a vent to tell your whole life

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glassdoorknob75 t1_j6j347z wrote

I'm not very good at this, but I've suspected it could be about showing kindness/being fair in any other way than offering the same weight(?) in information.

I think the other posters have it right that being a good listener (including asking good questions) alone can support the whole conversation. With me the over-sharing has mostly happened when it's about me worrying about the other person feeling somewhat unfair if I don't talk about some personal stuff too.

I think with questions I worry mainly about me asking the person anything putting them in a place where they're forced to answer about something they don't want to. Maybe it helps to get better at this, asking a question and making sure the other person feels at ease not answering it....I'm lurking here to find out more.

Edit: missed a word

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keepthetips t1_j6i1amf wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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ElephantFeeling1404 t1_j6lgqer wrote

If they say, my mother was a narcissist say , oh your mother was a narcissist? Let them talk. Add a few personal details yourself but mostly show your are listening to them and understand. Draw them out.

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ElephantFeeling1404 t1_j6lgshq wrote

If they say, my mother was a narcissist say , oh your mother was a narcissist? Let them talk. Add a few personal details yourself but mostly show your are listening to them and understand. Draw them out.

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12altoids34 t1_j6lq98g wrote

The biggest thing to being a good conversationalist is listening to other people. A lot of people just make the mistake of waiting their turn to talk and not actually paying attention to what others are saying. Also avoid trying to "one up "people

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jetpack324 t1_j6n2w24 wrote

Limit yourself to 1 personal story per 30 minutes. Then really focus on not over sharing for that 1 story. Make it manageable.

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raonaveen90 t1_j6ijutr wrote

Ask them to overshare their personal things. Not directly obviously. Then you can even manipulate them as a bonus.

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