LPT Requests: How to get over being left out?

Submitted by coffeeandlattee t3_11ee8ig in LifeProTips

One of my co-workers had a huge wedding and I was one of the few who wasn’t invited.

Basically, the people who weren’t invited were hired at a later time when invites were sent out.

I’ve been working with her for years.

Mind you, I wasn’t particularly close to the bride but we were all in the same social group. Some girls were closer to her some weren’t. But they all got invited.

I’ve been trying to rack my head around for a reason. I’m a very reasonable person. I alway try to be logical and I’m sure there’s a reason why I wasn’t invited but I just don’t understand…

She did do a lot of wedding talk, and I didn’t engage with it too much or ask her how her wedding planning was going. So that could be a reason? I could have been projecting without even knowing. (I’m having relationship issues so I didn’t want to talk about wedding stuff.)

I’m just crushed. It hurts a lot. & now I feel awkward.

20

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

sephiroth3650 t1_jadjgid wrote

If you're not particularly close, you shouldn't expect to get invited to her wedding. Whether somebody else was invited or not is irrelevant. It's her wedding. She's not obligated to invite anybody that she doesn't actively want there. Nor does a person need to justify why they didn't invite somebody to their wedding. It's entirely possible that she views you as a work acquaintance, and not a friend who she actively wants at her wedding. There is no justifiable reason for you to feel crushed by this. There is no reason for you to invest any emotional energy into trying to figure out why you weren't invited. The best thing you can do is move past it, and spend time being with people who are close friends with you.

28

coffeeandlattee OP t1_jadtz00 wrote

I know and you’re right. The rational and logical side of me tells me same thing.

The emotional side of me keeps wondering why she invited people who are equally just not as close. I don’t feel left out, I am being left out.

I know I don’t deserve an explanation. But have you ever been left? It hurts so much and I keep thinking negatively about myself.

6

sephiroth3650 t1_jadv334 wrote

I think most everybody has been "left out" at some point in their lives. I'd be willing to bet that most people get left out of things on a regular basis. That's just a part of life. At a certain point, everybody needs to accept that it's a part of everyday life. Very few of us are going to be included in everything for everybody around us. For me, I accept that it will happen, and I move on. I focus on the things I can control. I focus on the people that do want to spend time with me. It's self-destructive to do anything else with it.

15

MrKahnberg t1_jae3mmf wrote

This happens at every wedding. You were it this time. You'll be included in the future and some one else will be trying to figure out why they weren't invited.

Source. 53 years of experience.

10

unrealcyberfly t1_jadig10 wrote

Have your own party. With blackjack and hookers!

7

loomdog1 t1_jadgxw1 wrote

In fairness they may have not thought you were that close. I have had sweeping depression and done a lot of internalizing after such things happened and in the end realized it wasn't about me. I watched The Banshees of Inisherin last week and felt so sad about the main character being told he wasn't someones friend anymore without reasons being given. Depression happens and there are professionals to talk with in case it becomes crippling.

3

coffeeandlattee OP t1_jadu7ii wrote

Yep! I think that’s why I am so empathetic. I don’t ever want anyone to feel left out. I am hyper aware when some else is feeling out of the loop.

4

RiggyRigatoni t1_jaebxn9 wrote

Managing the pain is sometimes harder than the pain itself - you're already dealing with the sting of being left out, why internalize and negatively self evaluate? So you were left out, you can't surely say for a good, bad or what type of reason and so, I suggest being a bit nicer with yourself and entertain the multitude of reasons that aren't negative.

Imo, it's a workplace setting and should be treated professionally. I would carry on and direct that emotional investment into something that has growth potential.

Edit:formatting

3

BrainGiggles t1_jaekgte wrote

Gathering from the information that you had shared, it seems that the bride may have felt it would been insensitive to invite you to her wedding when you were going through some relationship issues. Or it could just be that she didn’t think you guys were close enough to warrant an invitation.

I don’t know where you’re located, or anything about your culture or the bride’s. But I’m Asian and I’m located in Southern CA. Growing up my family (and alot of our other Asian friends and family) viewed receiving a wedding invitation as a sign of a bill/debt to pay. Even if you weren’t close to the bride and groom, there was a social expectation to gift a certain amount in cash or check (non monetary gifts are frowned upon in the Asian culture). The standard amount was $100 per person attending (it may be $200 now due to raising prices). So imagine if you’re working in a company where 60% of the employees are Asian and you don’t all know each other but yet every few months you get a wedding invitation for you and your S.O. to attend. I have older siblings and I remember hearing them complain and bitch about attending another co worker’s wedding. Of course people could just always decline - but if you decline then when it’s YOUR turn to get marry people won’t attend your wedding and won’t return the monetary gifts. It’s a very tit for tat kind of arrangement and gross I know. I’m glad when I got married my husband and I opted to tell our guests not to bring gifts to remove the possible stressors. But anyway, what I’m saying is that my siblings and I guess my parents would have been thrilled not to have been invited to the wedding of a coworker whom they hardly knew.

You should check out some local comedy clubs in your area for that day and just go spend the evening at a comedy club and enjoy yourself with a friend or two!

3

RockemSockemRowboats t1_jadkcsm wrote

To answer your question op, find something else for that day. Keeping busy by engaging in something will not only distract you but widen your horizons outside of the workplace.

2

keepthetips t1_jadfwtw wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

1

Coconut_Waffles t1_jae17cy wrote

>the people who weren’t invited were hired at a later time when invites were sent out.

Going off of this line alone, you were hired after the bride sent out her invites. Which meant that the budget for the amount of people to invite to the wedding had been finalized, and possibly the seating arrangements if food was involved.

It would be too stressful to have to go back and find more money to budget for extra people that got hired on at work to enable them to come to the wedding. Not only would the bride need to spend more money on extra invites, they would need to spend extra money on food, seating, and all the little things that add up with inviting more people.

0

coffeeandlattee OP t1_jae24a3 wrote

No, I’ve been working with her for years.

Basically, she invited everyone except for me. The other people who didn’t get invited were hired on after the invites were send out.

2

Coconut_Waffles t1_jae2ot8 wrote

Ah, my mistake. My brain stopped processing after reading that line.

1

FoldableBrain t1_jaeagy5 wrote

I'm 99% sure this was just an oversight. I've had parties where I thought I invited everyone but then, when they weren't there, I called them and said, "Hey, man, where WERE you?" only to find out they had no idea there even was party.
Guest lists are made up in our heads. You were having relationship problems and never engaged regarding the wedding. She might have thought you were hoping NOT to have to go. Therefore, when the wedding guest list was made, her head made no connection to you.
Oversight. (Or she thinks you're the on that keeps eating her lunch out of the break room refrigerator.)Buy her a wedding gift. Give it to her, congratulate her, and tell her it's ok that you didn't get invited. She will either explain or you will be the better person of the situation, either way, you get closure.

1

Weird_City6772 t1_jaesdhv wrote

Show her what a person with good manners should do. Split up their marriage, marry her now ex husband, and then invite her to your guys wedding 💕

0

Crystalraf t1_jaecorw wrote

I've been there. Some people weren't raised right. If you are gonna invite coworkers you have to invite all of them. mom taught me better that's for sure!

−3

coffeeandlattee OP t1_jaedkeb wrote

100% I will never exclude anyone. I’m extremely empathic and can pick up when someone is feeling left out. I always want everyone to feel welcomed.

It’s surprising how unaware some people are… or they really just don’t care.

−2

sabraheart t1_jadgfhe wrote

Time.

What she did was terribly hurtful and insensitive. She isn’t your friend or a trusted coworker.

There are ways to not invite work colleagues that minimise the hurt, instead of amplify it.

She did neither.

−10

sephiroth3650 t1_jadzub8 wrote

What exactly did she do that was "terribly hurtful and insensitive?" What did she do to amplify the hurt? When I read the post, it just says OP wasn't invited. What did the bride do that was so wrong?

5

ChrisGeritol t1_jadxrbh wrote

The bride is getting married. It's HER day. She doesn't owe anyone an invitation. It's her day to plan how she wishes.

4