It sounds like you are struggling with a lot of guilt and shame related to your past experiences. It is understandable that you want to find relief from these feelings. One suggestion is to practice mindfulness, which can help you become more aware of and manage your emotions. You can find helpful resources online that explain how to incorporate mindfulness into your daily life. Additionally, you could explore different forms of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help you learn how to reframe your thoughts and gain insight into how to better manage your emotions. Finally, it can be very helpful to connect with a supportive community of people who have gone through similar experiences. This can help you feel less alone and provide you with additional resources and tools to cope with your emotions.